I don't own "The Outsiders". All characters are used and borrowed with much respect to S.E. Hinton.
Is Your Love Strong Enough?
I felt the pinch in my neck as I started to come to. My hands found and started rubbing my eyes and face; three days' growth of beard scratching the palms of my hands before my eyes slowly opened to the brightness of the room. I looked over to the hospital bed and found Soda still asleep; his chair pushed up against it. He was bent over, head resting on his arms as his hand clutched tightly over our baby brother's. There was no change; the rhythmic beeping sound of the vitals monitor continued as did the whooshing of the respirator that was breathing for Ponyboy and keeping him alive.
I felt the tension in my neck spread upwards, my head started a subtle pounding. Empty and exhausted, I could only squeeze my eyes closed as I rubbed my temples; the pounding intensifying.
"Are you alright?" Pony's bedside nurse asked softly as she must have noticed that I'd finally woken. There was nothing I could say. I nodded slightly, and looked back over to the two most important people in my life and felt my stomach turn.
I wanted to scream; I wanted to yell. I wanted to punch a hole in the world and pull my two brothers through it to the other side and keep them safe beside me, but it was too late. The deed was done and here we were waiting; clawing onto some shred of hope, helpless to whatever fate had in store.
"There was no change overnight. He's still hanging in there," the nurse commented as she walked over to the bedside and checked various tubing and lines that were hanging in, out, and around my youngest brother.
It was like a horror movie; IV lines pumping medications, blood and fluids into various veins in both of his arms and one in his neck. Drain tubes draining blood and fluid from his lungs and his brain. Cords measuring temperatures, blood pressures, heart rate, oxygen content. That tube running into his lungs, pumping air in him to keep him alive. I could only stare blankly at the small body that belonged to my baby brother, barely recognizing his face from the swelling and bruising and bandages.
"You sure I can't do anything for you?" The nurse asked again.
'Save my brother' is what I wanted to scream at her, but I knew it wouldn't change things. I stared at her, emotionally drained and shook my head. It was a matter of time, I knew it in my heart and I knew in my heart that it was my fault. I was Pony's big brother; I was delegated his guardian and I was supposed to look out for and protect him and here he was lying in a hospital bed ready to die.
I felt my hands start to shake and my throat swell as I stood up from the chair I'd been sleeping in. I rubbed at my face roughly to try and hide the tears I could feel that were starting to burn my eyes. I walked over to Sodapop, leaned over and kissed the back of his head while I rubbed his shoulder with one hand, and covered his and Pony's hand with my other.
"Soda," I whispered and shook his shoulder gently. I heard him take a deep breath; turning his head towards me but not opening his eyes.
"Soda," I tried again, shaking his shoulder a bit harder until his eyes drooped open. He suddenly bolted upright, turning frantically to look at our little brother.
"No!" He yelled, and I gently placed my hands on his shoulders and rubbed as I lent down again to kiss his hair.
"Shhhh…" I urged as we both looked on at Pony; pale and lifeless on the bed in front of us.
"I'm sorry, little buddy. I didn't mean to startle you like that. He's okay; hanging on. I gotta step out and I didn't want you to freak out if you woke up before I got back."
"Don't go, Darry," Sodapop started to panic as he turned his head towards me and reached out to grab my shirt.
"Shhhh…" I soothed, taking his hand and holding it tight. "Gettin' a coffee, maybe some aspirin. You should eat; I'll get you some food."
"Darry, you need to eat too. You gotta stay strong." His words slurred as he looked up at me worriedly. He was exhausted.
I smiled as best as I could and nodded. Soda's face relaxed as he nodded back before turning his attention back to Ponyboy. Sodapop grabbed his hand in both of his before kissing it and laid his head back down on the bed beside him. I rubbed Soda's shoulder again while I maneuvered around him and the respirator, being careful not to disrupt anything.
Leaning over, I kissed Pony on his ear. "It's gonna be alright, little buddy. We're gonna take care of you now; just rest and get better okay? I'll be right back, I swear. I love you, baby."
I stood up slowly, and suddenly felt like I couldn't catch my breath. I looked over at the nurse who was sitting by the door charting and she gave me a sad smile. I nodded slightly to her as I looked back down at my brothers. I could feel myself slipping, but I knew I didn't have that luxury. I had to stay strong for both Soda and Ponyboy. I quickly left the room knowing that I couldn't risk breaking down; not in front of Soda and especially not in front of Ponyboy while he was fighting to stay alive. I had to be strong. I had to be.
My legs were shaking and my head felt light when I exited the paediatric intensive care unit. When my eyes started burning and my vision blurred is when I B-lined it for the men's washroom. Thankfully empty, I stumbled to the sink and turned the faucet on full, trying to silence the sound of my sobbing with the sound of the rushing water.
'Get it together,' I scolded myself internally, but the more I tried to gain control of my emotions the more they gained control over me. I slammed my fists onto the counter surrounding the sink in a last-ditch effort to get a hold of myself.
"Darry? Darry, man..."
I looked up into the mirror to see the faces of Two-Bit and Steve, looking at me like I'd grown a third eye since the last day I'd seen them. Two-Bit approached me apprehensively, resting a hand on my shoulder.
"Jesus Christ," Steve muttered when he saw me and Two-Bit whipped around.
"Shut the fuckin' door," he threatened before turning back to me. "Darry, whoa man. Is he…did something happen? Is the kid…?"
I shook my head, knowing what he was asking.
"No, he's…there's no change. Soda's with him," I looked at Steve, knowing where he'd be headed. He nodded back at me and slowly slid out the door leaving me alone with Two-Bit.
"You alright, man?"
Two-Bit watched me carefully as I looked at him feeling numb. I know none of the gang had ever seen me like this before, but on the verge of losing all that was important to me I found that I didn't care.
"No…no I'm not okay," I gasped as I stared at the water stained ceiling and let myself finally break.
My knees hit the tiled floor before Two-Bit had the chance to help break the fall. I could hear my voice echo off the walls of the small bathroom and tears I thought I'd already shed made their descent.
"It's gonna be okay, Darry. He's a tough little shit; been through hell and came back strong."
Two-Bit meant well, but he had no idea the extent of what had been done to Ponyboy; nobody had except me and Child Protective Services. Pony was strong; he was tough. He was small for his age and despite that he was always a good fighter, but Pony was so young. I thought about how small and frail he looked lying on the hospital bed; dead except for the machines keeping him alive.
"God, help us," I prayed out loud as my face hit Two-Bit's shoulder and I clung on to him desperately.
"It's okay, man. It's okay," Two-Bit lulled and wrapped his arms around my shoulders.
"It's okay," he repeated, but nothing was okay and I wasn't sure it ever would be again.