Author's Note: Please note, this isn't from one character's perspective, exactly; it's every guardian that's made it to Zanarkand thinking about what's to come. Also, this is the second time I've come up with a fanfic while watching a campfire. Lovely, eh?
hesitation
Fires are never the same when you're remembering them; the feeling you had when you were actually there, when you felt alive and passionate but at the same time so, so sad, that feeling is gone the next morning. And when you look at a dead campfire, there's always a surprising emptiness you find.
No one's glad to be here. You all used to feel so proud of yourselves for being chosen as guardians, didn't you? What about now? No more smiling? Maybe you could drink a little, take the edge off. Have the healer cast 'cura' so much you feel giddy instead of guilty. But hey, this isn't your fault, right?
They asked you. They chose you to bring them here. They wanted you to lead them on this death march and so you obliged. It's not your fault that they're heading toward their suicide, damn it, it's not your fault at all!
Sleep is impossible on nights like these, when the end is so close, so close! You can almost see how they will fall, how their broken body will look, strewn beside the carcass of Sin.
You don't know how to get rid of their body – and the way that's phrased, like they'll be yesterday's trash, makes you angry. Will people only think about the Calm or will they remember that someone died? Will anyone know about how they died?
You wonder how it happens. Yunalesca will give them the Final Aeon and then what? Why has every summoner died fighting Sin and how many guardians died fighting too and should you weaken Sin first or call the aeon as soon as possible? Strategy and plans or spontaneous attacks?
What part of Sin do you attack first?
Did the other guardians ask these questions? You wonder if they knew they were guarding the future High Summoner of their time… probably not. You can't imagine anyone being confident at this point.
Perhaps it'll be better if you just sleep – or should you stay awake and tell stories to each other? Surely there's something that hasn't already been said, you can't give in, can't let them do this, do this, no no no! but if they give the order you'll do anything. You're a guardian. It's your job.
The sun comes up much too fast and you watch it rise. It looks like it's dancing, almost as if it's mocking you. Could a sun mock you for this? You don't even know what you feel anymore.
You all look at each other and nod grimly – yes, let's move onward, farther into Zanarkand. But you sneak a glance at the fire that you'll leave behind; the one that you stared at all night long, the one burning everything you brought with you.
Because once you get inside the dome, once you meet Yunalesca and beat Sin and once they've finished their suicide mission – you won't want it anyway.