A/N: Sister, this one is for you! Hope you like it.
I haven't written anything in too long. I ask my beautiful soul sister to give me a challenge. That's what came out. So please bear it with me, and forgive me any mistakes. English is not my first language.
Alive
Hearing her say her marriage wasn't working anymore made me think of all the things that didn't work between us. I couldn't be blame for this, not this time. And no matter how many looks and moments there was, my relationship with Rachel was truly over. She was simply the mother of my children, I would be there for her, as a friend at best, nothing more, never again. I was done with that can of worms. Besides, my head was a little too busy this days to be worried too much about her relationship problems. I only worried about my kids, how they would handle this situation. And what exactly I was feeling for my partner.
Telling Steve was the easiest and the hardest part, I knew how the SEAL would react, and I didn't know how to deal with it. Steve was very adamant about me talking to Stan, convince him to give the marriage another try, why exactly I wasn't sure. In the back of my mind, the part that I been refusing to listen, I wanted to believe that Steve's reaction was because he didn't want me and Rachel getting together again.
Everything was very confusing for me, has been for a long time. My feelings for Steve had always been brotherly, as far as I could tell. (Once I stopped hating him that is.)
Lately though, lately every time I was with Steve, I caught myself reaching for the man even more than before, I was always a very tactile person, but the SEAL had a magnetism that drew me in, even when I tried to control myself.
And when I was with Melissa I couldn't stop thinking about him, it was a constant in my head. Which just let me more confused.
What was I feeling? Have I ever had that inclination before? Or was it something about Steve?
I couldn't figure it out. Or maybe I just didn't want to, because once I opened that door that was it, I couldn't close it anymore,
A few days later, on a rare occasion that was nothing to do but paperwork, I was openly watching him, every move, every frustrated sigh, every time a hand passed through his hair, made me wonder what it would be like to ran my hand through it. And there it was again, those thoughts, those feelings I have been trying so hard to forget, the door was opening and I couldn't control it anymore, maybe I didn't want to. I knew I needed to do something or I was going to go insane.
Later that day, after the others left me alone with Steve, I decided to act, and for that I needed to drink.
Walking into the SEAL's office, I waited to be acknowledged.
- Yes Danny? - He asked without looking up from his computer.
- I thought we could leave, go grab something to eat, a couple beers. - I hoped I wasn't sounding too out of character, it was almost like I was asking him out on a date, without saying those exact words.
- Yeah man, good idea, I'm starving. - Saving the document he was working on, Steve turned off the computer and got up, collecting his phone and his wallet on the way out. - Where do you want to go?
- Home, order take out, maybe from that Chinese place we like. - I answered, following Steve out of the HQ, into the parking lot.
- Sounds good. - He responded, opening the driver's door and getting into the Camaro.
I sighed before entering the car as well. This was going to be a long night.
After ordering the food, we sat outside Steve's house, looking at the ocean, drinking slowly from our bottles, without saying anything. And even though I loved to fill the silence, I was content just sitting there, listening to the sea, Steve's breathing and the occasional gulp of our throats.
The food arrived after the second beer was finished, and I was nowhere to being at least buzzed. I needed something stronger to give me courage. What I was going to do had the potential to destroy everything, and if I was drunk enough, I could always blame the booze.
While Steve got the food and headed to the dining room, I went to the kitchen to look for a stronger drink. I found a half open bottle of whiskey, grabbed the nearest glass and poured myself a generous amount of the amber liquid. I downed and refilled the glass before going back.
- What are you drinking? - Steve asked as soon as I came into view.
- Uhmmm... I found some whiskey in your kitchen. - I replied.
- Why? - He inquired.
I simply shrugged and sat down to start eating, promptly ignoring Steve's wondering gaze.
We and talked about nothing really important, at times I would forget what we were talking about, getting lost in Steve's eyes, and a moment later I would be blushing like a school girl, realizing he had stopped talking and was looking at me, waiting for an answer to a question a I didn't hear.
When we were cleaning out the mess, I knew it was time, it was now or never. It wasn't possible to drink anymore without raising serious questions, the slight buzz I currently had would have to do. In the kitchen, I stopped a few inches away from Steve's back and waited for him to turn around, as he turned he took a step back, surprised to find me so close.
- Danny, what...- Steve started, but I interrupted him before he could complete his question.
- Please don't hate me for what I'm about to do. - I uttered. Clutching the front of his shirt with shaking hands, I pulled him down enough to plant an hesitant kiss on his lips. It was nothing more than a touch of lips, but enough for me to realize my feelings were indeed way more complicated then I wanted to admit.
Sensing Steve's hesitation, I let go of his shirt, taking a step back, and regarding him, waiting for the obvious punch. When after a few seconds nothing happened, and he just stood there looking at me with wide-eyes, I apologized and turned to leave. I needed to be alone and think of what I just did, things would not be easy in the days to come.
Before I reached the kitchen's door, however, Steve caught my arm, pulling me back around so we could be face to face again.
We didn't say anything, but Steve wasn't letting go of my arm either. He probably knew I would leave as soon as I could.
- Steve... - I didn't know what I should say, if I should say anything at all.
- Why? - Was all he asked. One simple question with a very complicated explanation, one he didn't understood completely himself.
- I don't know. - I replied. Begging for him to let it go.
- Try again. - He insisted. - And don't say you're drunk, because I know you're not.
Damn him for knowing me so well.
- Ok. - I began and paused to take a breath, this was going to be brutal. - For a while now, I've been kind of confused about my feelings for you. I... I don't really know what I'm feeling to be honest.
- So you decided it was a good idea to surprise kiss me? Again I ask, why?
- Because if I kissed you and felt nothing I was just trying to avoid something in my life I don't want to think about.
- Like Rachel getting divorced?
- Something like that.
- And if you felt something? Then what?
- Then I would need a therapist, possibly, to understand what's going on.
- Or you just don't want to admit it. - He declared, getting closer, his hand in my arm slowly making it's way up.
- Admit what? - I pondered, swallowing hard when I could feel his body heat so close to mine.
- That you want more. That you can't deny anymore what's between us. That I'm not alone in this ship.
- Steve... - My voice was barely audible, he was so close I could feel his breath on my lips, waiting.
I closed the distance between us, and this time he answered in kind, pressing me against the counter. This kiss was nothing I was expecting, it was so much better.
For the first time in a long time I felt myself relaxing completely, my whole body was thrumming with kiss. I was feeling alive, all around me faded and all I could feel was Steve. His hands, his lips, his body rubbing on mine. I don't think I ever felt like this before, as if my entire being was on fire, and I wanted more, I needed more.
We stopped kissing long enough to take a breath, before going back for more, small kisses, long kisses, deeper and more meaningful.
- We need to talk about this. - Steve breathed against my cheek, his breath labored.
- I know. - I responded equally affected. - Not today though.
- I'm okay with that.
We smiled softly at each other, sharing another kiss before I dragged him to the living room, throwing myself on the couch and pulling him to my lap, resuming what we started in the kitchen. We didn't need to talk to know we were in the same page.
I could finally breath, no more confused about my feelings for Steve. Now everything would be okay, without a doubt I could face anything with him by my side.