Someone told you it would hurt this much but you figured they were just lying. And he's staring at you like he's expecting you to say something, but the words in your head aren't forming in to words that he'd understand so you smile and pull him in to a hug, maybe hoping that you could eventually say what he's hoping you'd say.
But you can't, because he's leaving and you're happy for him. He pulls back, whispering he loves you and you pull him back and hold on tighter because this is what you guys do. You hang on because letting go sucks and it hurts worse.
He's moving to the east coast and you're a little jealous, but you've opted to stay with your dad, at least for a year you say. He understands, and gives you a sad smile. You kind of wish you hadn't agreed to stay, but now you are and you're a little bit happy.
He's going to be a teacher he says, and you think he's perfect for the job. He doesn't know yet how good he'll be, that insecurity still hovering around. But you disagree because he's taught you so much more than you think you deserve. He runs a hand down the back of your head, pleading with you to come with, but you decline the offer again and he understands.
You tease him and say there's no surfing in New York, he laughs because he thinks it's funny that you would care about that. But it's not the surfing that you'll miss, it's the boy with the brown hair and the sad smile that you'll miss the most.
He looks wonderful and happy and you're happy for him. He tells you that you'll be happy someday too, but you can't know that for sure. He doesn't tell you he waits for you because he doesn't anymore. You thought you'd be more surprised, but you realize that maybe you've stopped waiting for him too.
Maybe on some level this is an actual goodbye, he makes you promise to visit and you agree, this promise doesn't scare you. This promise isn't meant to keep you together. This promise is for friendship and you haven't appreciated nearly enough how great a friend he really is.
He pulls away first because he's trying to make this easier for you and you think you just fell in love with him a little bit more. You smile and wave, tears in your eyes because you don't want to let go, and you don't want to say goodbye. Because you don't want to be over, not yet, not in this way. You think if your love was really epic it wouldn't be fading away slowly like it has been.
Epic wasn't what you guys were now, you two love each other, the only way either one of you know how. You trust him, you learned how to years ago and he's never loved you more. Maybe some day you think, maybe some day you'll surprise him on a Wednesday night, with your bags and your tired smile.
You take a deep breath, watching as he turns away, watching as he's walking towards security. You feel the tears sliding down your cheeks as your dad catches a glimpse of you, wrapping an arm around your shoulder. Sometimes, you wish he wasn't leaving, or maybe you weren't staying. Your dad speaks softly, "he'll call when he lands."
You look up at your dad and you tell him you love him and he rolls his eyes because he's heard it a million times before. He turns you around to walk back towards the entrance. You look over his shoulder, trying to catch one more glimpse of the boy you've cared about since you want to remember.
With a sigh, he stops and lets you say a little goodbye; you lift your head, wrapping an arm around his waist and whisper softly your 'thanks for understanding.' He nods, because some how, in a way that he really hadn't expected he's gonna miss him just as much as you are.
"I just love him, y'know," you say quietly, he nods because he feels that way too. The paper slips in to your hand and before you actually look at it, you know what it is. A ticket, for the east coast. "What's this?"
He shrugs, saying that it was a gift. For when you're ready, he says.
Days have turned and months have passed, and every Wednesday you look at the ticket, and you miss your sad boy, but you imagine he's happy and you know he's thinking the same about you. You spend your time with friends, with Mac, sometimes you have lunch with Dick, which is funny because you still think he hasn't changed much, but he misses your boy and that's what you've still got in common. Wallace calls you every Thursday, it's your thing and you like it this way.
Sitting in the restaurant, you listen while your friends laugh and smile around the circular table. You laugh when they laugh, you grin when they grin and you frown when they frown, but you're not listening and you're pretty sure your friends aren't buying it. When one shares a story you allow your thoughts to wander off topic, you can't help but wonder what he's doing now, if he's at home at sleep, or maybe he went for a walk. Later that night, as you slip in your bed, you find yourself dialing a familiar number.
His voice is husky as if he'd just woken up, "hey," you close your eyes at his whisper. You talk until the sun comes up the next morning.
It's been a month since you last spoke, the ache in your heart, the one that you were sure would fade hasn't. Yawning you get up early because you're tired of lying in your bed, pulling on your shirt you notice the ticket lying underneath your mail. A smile slides across your lips as you touch it lightly. You laugh because you think you're finally ready. You call your dad on the way and he laughs too because he never thought you'd last as long as you have.
You knock on the door and you're nervous and a little scared, but you're ready and it's time. He opens the door and smiles, pulling you in to his small apartment with a laugh. Kissing you until you're not sure you can breathe. Marry me, he whispers, you laugh and you can't help the tear that slips down your cheek. You nod, there's no hesitance, no fear. This time, you're ready for everything that life could have handed you. You say yes, kissing him fiercely. In the end, it was always him and you were always his. You're finally truly happy; you can see it in his eyes that he feels it too. You're ready and it's time.