A/N: So I heard you guys like Percico? I'm not quite sure if I like it or not, but I totally love Nico and I totally love Percy, and I also love feels, so here is a little one shot about Nico's impossible love towards Percy and so on ;) Be warned that English is not my first language and that it is my very first story in English. It'd be great to get any feedback ;) ...Enjoy? ^^
The gods are cruel. They are cruel and expecting them to play fair would never be wise. I was used to perceive myself for a wise person, and yet they still would have their way with me. Still they would play me just as they pleased.
The worst thing is that it is all just an assumption. I like to believe that it was not enough for the god I fear the most to have me confessed my twisted feelings. I like to imagine that I was being tortured by him every night, when visions that filled my dreams were setting my body on fire and making my focus disappear. It just feels better to think that someone, even if it was only a god playing his game, payed so much attention to me, than to accept the fact that I was the very person at fault.
Since I was very young, I tried so hard not to feel anything, because I remembered my sister telling me that for a child of Hades it is dangerous to feel hater. I tried, and trying to do this I came to a bitter realisation that for someone like me it was just equally dangerous to feel love. The only love I can feel leads to hater.
Knowing all of this, how can I not see myself as a gods' joke? I got the power that could lead me to destroy everything if I felt too much. I got the feelings that prevent me from using my powers and getting what I want as it would end up destroying the very person I had feelings for.
People usually say that time can heal pain. Maybe it is just the fact that I am by any meaning a normal person, but it would not work at all in my case. Years have passed since I have said out loud what I felt for the first, and the last, time and the very fact that I grow older made me suffer even more. For my now maturing body it was not enough to be able to look at him, I started to long for the touch. Then the dreams begun to interrupt my sleep and as I tried to go without sleep at all, I became even more conscious of his presence. Not as if he ever knew that he was observed, but I was always somewhere near, in the darkness, watching and letting my hunger consume me.
The very sight of him was taking my breath away, the fact that I saw him every night in a way that he would find disgusting if I have ever let him know, was not helping at all. Then there was the moment when he was announced to be engaged, and too soon after this he came to meet me by himself, so that he could invite me to his wedding. I wonder how I even managed to assure him that I'll come in a polite way, without forcing myself on him or killing both of us, when the only thing I could think of was the blood rushing in my body and the longing to have him.
When he left, I realised that up to that day I lived with a good-for-nothing hope that everything can still be good. It was devastating to know, as I wanted to believe that even if I was not able to change who I am, I had everything under control. I believed that I accepted the fact that my love will never be fulfilled and when it was proved differently I was shocked and panicked.
I had almost no time left and it made me go crazy. If I only was thinking soberly it could have never happened, but I lost my mind completely back then. There was a certain goddess that I accused of cursing me with that suffering and when I imprecated her name loudly in the darkness of wherever I was hiding, she came to me, her beauty and joy making me even more mad, her smile like the worst insult. Even though I was always quiet person, I shouted at her and I cried like a child I no longer remember being. The more I abused her, only verbally though, the more she smiled, and when I finally pleaded her to make my abominable love possible, she laughed.
"I was waiting for this moment very long, Nico di Angelo." She said, her voice strong and radiating with happiness.
I looked at her in disbelief, foolish enough to get tricked.
"I have something just for you, my child." With those words, she offered me with a little bottle. "Have him drink it and he will be yours for one night."
How come I did not realised that her smile was traitorous, I do not know. I took what she gave me, the truth is that even if she told me to drink poison in order to get a few moments with Percy, I would happily obliged. And then the goddess of love, the last one I should trust, disappeared, the last words she said to me letting me know that I was going to regret what I was planning to do.
I could not care less. I wanted to be as bad and dark as I could for this one time, the unfairness of the situation almost killing me. It was nothing easier than to come and join one of those stupid feasts the heroes were having, when everybody pretended to be happy to see me, but actually letting they fear of me be visible when they thought I was not looking. It was also easy to sneak some of the potion I was given into Percy's drink.
There was also nothing hard with having him follow me to the beach when he had already drunk it, but it was the last easy thing in my life. Somehow it had to be the beach, he fitted there just fine. It was almost impossible to recognise him, when he acted all affectionate towards me, but it did not bother me at all. At first I let my anger make me think that I was going all the way with him that night for it was the only night I was ever be able to have him, but with the first kiss I knew that I could not rape him. It was just impossible.
I let myself enjoy kissing and hugging him, so unused to human touch that it almost felt like dying. Percy was absolutely brain-washed by that damn goddess, and I used it almost to the fullest. It was the saddest joy I have ever felt, but it was also the only one. He smelled of the ocean, he tasted of the morning breeze, he kissed me with passion and caressed me like a lover, when I was only a thief, taking something that was never mine. But even if I knew how disgusting I became, there was no way for me to stop myself.
There was even a moment when I started to cry, though I did not know whether it was from my twisted happiness or from pain. The brain-washed Percy seemed to find nothing strange about it. He casually raised his hand to my face, wiping away my tears.
"I love you, Nico. It will be fine." He said it with such confidence, smiling just like he always smiled, that for a brief moment I almost believed. It was so tempting, so easy to believe. But then, I saw the first signs of the rising sun, and I knew it was all over.
I left Percy sleeping on the sand, somehow knowing that he was not going to remember a thing. And then I started to regret.
I have broken myself without knowing what I was doing. Before that night I have never touched another person, and I have never been touched like that. It was too late when I realised that before that damned night I have not been even close to realise how it feels to love or to suffer. If I was to tell the difference, I would say that before I was attracted to Percy and I longed to be by his side, but it was all coming from me. Ever after it happened I fallen in love not only with personality or, well, him, I also started to love his body. I know now that it would be times better to never know how it feels to kiss him, for it is no way to get enough of his lips.
And even though I could just go to Lethe, jump into the water and forget everything, I know I would never do this. Cause the very worst part is that even if I know it would only be logical to get rid of something that painful, I would never want to let go of the memory of Percy's lips on mine, of his gentle touch when he did not want me to cry and of the fake words of love that I have stolen.