Author's note: This is based on the Napoleon TV mini-series Starring John Malkovich as Tallyrand and Christian Clavier as Napoleon. It's an insane crack fic.
Tallyrando
A thick fog spread over the southern shores below grey skies that are filled with clouds, billowing with the brisk, moist winds of late spring. Hesitantly, a small man ventured into the veil of brume with a worrisome yet fanciful expression. The thin layer of water spatters like a thousand tears with every footfall. From the distance, a dark figure is seen, floating as if it was a ghost in his delirious vision. He could swear that he heard breath.
"Talleyrando, Talleyrando... Talley-Talleyrando, Talley-Talleyrando " The little man sung, imagining himself as a siren, drawing a sailor to his fearsome bosom. And slowly, the dark figure drifted closer.
"Talleyrando, Talleyrando...Talley-Talleyrando, Talley-Talleyrando "
"Don't call my name," Came a reply, soft and melodic with a hint of irritation.
With every next step, the approaching figure thrust his chest up and out, in and down. Chest popping is all the small man thought, staring in awe and arousal.
"Une scène d'amour...Sacre bleu."
The figure, now obviously a tall, chunky individual, emitted a haunting tune. His hair blowing hypnotically by the wind. Talleyrand. The beautiful, magnificent Talleyrando. And his pursuer, la patite empereur, Napoleon Bonaparte. "You know that I love you, boy. Come closer so that I may kiss your lips that are, to me, like that of petals."
"Don't wanna kiss. Weh."
"Mon grand loup, come with me to the country. Flee from Bonaparte no longer!"
Talleyrand had just turned about to be on his way when he felt the icy grip of his dank and moldy lover. "Won't you look at me?"
I've got him around my little finger Talleyrand told himself, smirking all the while.
"Here, look. I've brought you a present," Napoleon said gingerly as he stroked his darling's challis coat, fluttering in the breeze. With haste, he retrieved a dewy potato from within his waistcoat. "Here? See?"
Talleyrand stared in bemusement before his emperor shoved it closer to his face, saying "Smell it!"
"I refuse!"
"DAMN YOU! You seek to drive me mad with the itching of lust in my loins."
"No, you are mistaken. That is the crab louse. You told me about it, once."
"Non. You are wrong. I lit a match and burned them away, long ago."
"Along with the seeds to sow a new heir," Tallyrand chortled and swayed his round hips.
"Va te faire foutre!"
"Neheehheeh." Talleyrand taunted him and recoiled when Napoleon struck him to the wet sand. A thin wail emitted from his gaping mouth as chalky water seeped into his drawers. He immediately sat upon by the emperor, who drew forth one webbed finger and wagged it. "Défonce moi. Je veux te sucer la bite."
"Shut yo' mouth."
"Like this?" Napoleon said and kissed Talley's pursed lips. "No. Not at all," Talley answered, adenoidally. Solemnly, Bonapoot withdrew a vial of sickly yellow fluid and poured it all over his unsuspecting paramour's chest and neck, finally, rubbing it into the hairline. "What the hell have you done?!" Tallyrando asked, beside himself.
"Nothing. I am but making an attempt to create a more delectable bouquet for my sensitive nose."
"Holy mother of god, it smells like the bowels of earth have spat forth sulfur all over my body."
One by one, a kiss was laid upon his victim's repulsed face "Il m'aime un peu, beaucoup, passionnément, à la folie, pas du tout."
"Stop... Please, Just let me go," whined tally, but he couldn't help kissing him back, even as he nearly gagged on the fumes. A lonely crawfish emerged from the mud beside his shoulder and began to rhythmically twitch. Soon, a tiny crowd encircled their love-supine bodies and began to waltz, unnoticed.
"Charles, touch me."
"I don't want to," Tally said in dreamy disapproval with closed eyes.
"Salope! Here, in place of warm and soft, have some cold and hard," Bonaparte said and squeezed the potato through Tally's partially unbuttoned fly. This act of ire was not met kindly. As soon as Bonaparte was bucked off, Tallyrand stood up and wrung out his coat. The crawfish had long since departed before the second appearance of the inedible potato. Three or four golden buttons had been lost in the skirmish. It would take forever to get the grit out of his locks, Tallyrando realised.
"Gimme Tally tushy, now!" Bonapoot demanded playfully
"Don't bother me."