A/N: Some Ethan/Naomi for you, because I love them in a Peyton/Nathan kind of way. Now, while I firmly believe Naomi belongs with Liam and Ethan belongs with Silver, you can never forget your first love. Am I right? Well, that and the fact that I re-watched 'The Bubble' (one of the few best of the season, don't you think?) Read, review and enjoy. This takes place post-finale and is written in the second person narrative from Naomi's POV. Most of the quotes are from 1x04 but there's other random ones from Naomi and Ethan.
Your Voice was the Soundtrack to my Summer
--
Is it true? Are you cheating on me? Don't lie to me.
--
You didn't need to ask, because you knew. You knew him better than anyone ever could or ever will. Ethan Ward, to most is a pretty face, a tan, almost god-like body with a lacrosse stick in his hand. He's the typical high school sportsman who hasn't even attempted to grow a brain in his life, because when you had the amount of girls thrown at you that Ethan had, you tend to blank your mind and just search for that feeling that fills your heart instead.
Which one would you choose? If you had to; would you fill your mind which all the intellect and knowledge the world has to offer? Or would you just fill your heart with love? After all; they say the more you know, the more you'll see the world as a darker place. And don't they say ignorance is bliss?
You're no better than Ethan. Perhaps that's why you both made each other so happy, so stupidly happy for such a lustful, short period of time. It didn't matter how many years, months, weeks or days it spanned. You were happy with him.
And you're no A-average student, but you do know you'd swap a perfect transcript for Liam. For Liam to finally give his heart to you fully, unconditionally.
Looking back, you would have swapped anything for Ethan to give you his heart fully too.
It was something he could never do. When as many people want you, you have to give yourself in pieces, not hand yourself over as a whole. You know that's what you did. You gave yourself away to Ethan from the moment I love you escaped his lips last summer. You gave yourself conditionally to Adrianna, because she knew you better than anyone. She was your best friend, your sister. And to this day, she is the only one who has loved you back with the same fierce loyalty. You would have given yourself unreservedly to her child, had she made the decision to raise her daughter. You just began giving yourself to Liam and he threw it back in your face, not unlike Ethan himself by sleeping with the first girl who made a move.
But it's just like you said. The harder the slap, the harder they rub back.
And you hate that you eat your own words everyday, but happiness is worth anything, right? And there's a chance, a flicker of hope that Liam is your happiness.
The only thing true about your relationship with Ethan is somewhere in between love, lust and friendship. All you really know is that you can never let go of him completely. You are Naomi Clark and you'll face any new challenge and win, but there's a corner of your heart that's reserved for familiarity. And that corner belongs to one golden haired, brown eyed boy.
--
Are you breaking up with me?
I'm breaking up with us.
--
Like the other ninety percent of phrases that exited your ex-boyfriends mouth, you didn't take that very literally. Ethan's mouth was only good for one activity, you decided.
Ethan was the epitome of indecisiveness – you're the opposite. You know what you want at all the stages in your life. You knew you wanted to wear the orange and yellow dress at Adrianna's twelfth birthday party, you knew you wanted to be the first girl in the grade to kiss; you knew you wanted Ethan Ward on your arm the minute your stare locked with his. You knew and felt that part of you had been taken away by him when he ended it for the last time with you and you know now you want Liam, despite anything he does.
You know you want Annie Wilson out of your life just as swiftly as she interrupted the party.
You realise this and its three thirty in the morning when the call comes through.
"Hey Ade." You mumble out tiredly as a greeting, "Listen I'll be over first thing tomorrow to catch up okay? It's just...tonight has been one of those nights, you know?" You then sigh utterly exasperated.
"Naomi...I didn't...listen, something really terrible has happened..." she trails off; because it's not like she's fully energised herself.
"What's up? Is the baby okay? Is Navid okay?" You ask, concern lining your tone. This night was never going to end, was it?
"Naomi, I just saw Annie Wilson in tears, she was a complete mess –
"Good." You remark, more than bitter. Why would she be at a hospital though? You hated the girl more than anything right now, but still. You didn't want any more drama after tonight.
Yeah, because everything always runs so smoothly in this town. Perfect and pristine. Completely functional.
"And she was behind Ethan, I talked to her and she says she ran over Ethan –
"What?" You ask in sheer despair. You almost don't believe her for the first few seconds.
"Naomi, Ethan's barely alive...and Annie is completely drunk and in tears and I don't really know why but Silver's here and –
"I'm coming, right now." You hang up, search for the keys to your Mercedes and drive, leaving Jen to deal with the cops you see about to turn into your driveway.
The whole journey there, you can't remember the last time you and Ethan kissed. It feels like someone else's life.
By the time you and your green gown gush through the hospital doors, he really has broken up with you. He's broken up with everyone else.
He's gone. And you feel your heart pull, and you feel part of you leave with him.
--
Hey, it's alright. I'm here, okay? I'll help.
--
You want to slap Annie Wilson all the way back to Kansas.
After everything she has done over the course of the year. This is what tops it all off. First she enters your world.
The scene is frenzy. In the corridor where everyone is waiting, Annie is sobbing manically as she slurs out drunken apologies. Silver tells you she's just ended her relationship with Dixon (this night is just full of surprises and keeps them coming, like when the effect of one has just sunken in another one is ready to wreck havoc once more) and Adrianna is implying (you know better with Ade though, you always know better) that she regrets letting her daughter be adopted.
And Ethan Ward is dead.
Dead.
No longer alive, deceased.
He'll never breathe again. Never feel again.
Silence ensues for what seems like a whole day before you end this terror, once and for all. Annie Wilson isn't just the new girl, or the principal's daughter or the girl who has had the nerve to set her eyes on both of your boyfriends; she killed someone, intentionally or not. Life has been taken away.
"I'm so sorry." Annie slurs out for the hundredth time. The girl reeks of vodka and this when you can't even tolerate her presence anymore. "I didn't mean...this is your fault."
Now she has to nerve to blame you.
You're going to rip her apart.
You approach where she's sitting, you're silently livid now, but you're about to make the confrontation at you party look like you were paying her a fucking compliment.
You seize her by the dress and drag her up so that you both face each other. Everyone is silent except Silver, who's begging you to just stop, "You think he'd want this?" She asks. You blatantly ignore her.
"You killed Ethan," You begin, as calmly as possible, "you had to audacity to move here, play around here without thinking you could deal with any consequences. That's not how it works. How dare you. How dare you even remain in our presence, after everything you have done?" Annie's eyes look like they might fall out of there sockets and she remains silent and trembling, "I'm not going to shout at you Annie. Earlier I told you to get out of my house. Now I'm telling you to get out of our world. For our benefit and yours." The words are spoken almost softly as you come to the realization that she's not worth anything of you anymore.
"I didn't sleep with him, Naomi." She implores your forgiveness once more.
It's just not going to happen.
You look at her with such intense disgust. You didn't think this level of hatred was possible.
"In that moment...why do you I jumped to conclusion, Annie?" You question intently.
Ethan remains the unspoken reply. The obvious answer. It just doesn't feel right saying it this soon.
"Even if it wasn't you...you probably wanted to, right?" You say as if this whole evening was oh-so casual, "because he's sensational in bed, and our little innocent principal's daughter doesn't seem so much like a blushing virgin anymore, does she?"
You've never seen anyone look this dismantled.
And you hate you're getting a thrill from it. But you are, because in all honestly, hasn't she had this coming?
"Get out. Nobody wants you here." You reiterate calmly, eye's brimming with fury.
"What are you doing to my sister, bitch?"
Oh look, it's the supposedly sweet one.
"You can join her. In fact the best thing for your family is to go back to wherever the hell you came from." You command them.
"It's not her fault –
"But isn't it?"
"Dixon," Silver interrupts, "just go."
The last time you were that grateful for Silver's presence was when you were thirteen.
With that, Dixon puts an arm around his still-sobbing, estranged sister and they tumble away from you all.
You sit in the chair beside Silver. You tell Ade to get some rest and fetch some coffee for yourself and Silver.
"What are we still doing here?" You ask aimlessly.
"I can't let go." She replies, her voice cracked.
"Me too." You reply.
Because it's true. You couldn't let go then and you can't let go now.
--
I need your help. Will you please go with me?
Yeah, I'll go.
Do you want me to go in with you?
No, just wait here.
I'll be here.
--
Dawn breaks and you're misty eyed as you and Silver walk out of the hospital. You both kissed his forehead and bid goodbyes, but there was something about Silver that was incredibly moving. The way she looked at him. You know there was a time when you looked at him like that, once upon a time.
"Hey, you can stay over at my place...if you want." It feels like a bad idea, but seeing Silver like this touched the thirteen year old inside of you. No-one should have to grieve alone.
She just nods and enters your car.
You remember once – God you must have both been fifteen and the both of and Ethan were at some random party. Needless to say the alcohol was flowing and the music blaring and your heart was pumping so fast it felt unhealthy. It was your first kiss with Ethan and afterwards you re-joined Silver. Anyway, this slow, almost depressing yet not song came on – Silver said it was Hear You Me by Jew Eat World or something like that, you can't remember. It was slow and sad. But the three of you sang it like the most blissful, most joyful song in existence. Nothing could tear you down.
Nothing except Annie Wilson.
When you arrive home and search frantically for that song online, like it's the most important treasure in existence you discover it's by a band called Jimmy Eat World.
And that's what you feel you need to do from this day onwards, as Silver is in slumber on your bed. You need to search for these little things that keep happiness alive. There's been too much sadness this year, so much so that it feels like everything might all crash down. Between your family, your boyfriends and now this.
But the good aspect of everything falling apart is that it's begging to be rebuilt again.
You think that might begin with your friendship with Silver.
--
Now that I know who you are it's probably gonna sting a lot harder when I never talk to you again.
--
His funeral is the most torturous experience you've ever had to endure.
Practically the whole high school has attended to talk about how great his career in lacrosse would have been, how he hadn't had the time to fulfil his academic potential just yet (you and Silver just chuckled at that part of the Eulogy).
You don't know why anyone here pretends to be religious. Everyone here cheats. Everyone here lies and covets the material things.
And yet in this town full of hypocrites and shallowness, there's such raw sadness at this event.
"I know something happened between you and Ethan. So firstly, don't deny it. And secondly, I won't eat your head off." You say assuring as you and Silver accompany each other to the closest bar you could both find.
"But why?" She replies with dismay, "Why? I mean I saw you with Annie. You're Naomi Clark, you show no mercy."
"But I also forgave Annie. I thought maybe, there was something we could salvage." You end the statement bitterly, as if you're the most tactless person you know.
Silver nods thoughtfully and sips her drink.
"True...but you've been so...and I can't believe I'm saying it, good to me." She expresses with shock.
"I think we needed... (And you can't believe you're about to say this) need each other. That night. Because it was us three, you know? Back in the day, when everything was so simple." You respond earnestly. "And for the record, I am sorry for what I did. I was young and stupid and insensitive. I show no mercy."
A smile plays on Silver's lips before she remembers that the boy she was falling in love with is gone. Ended before it ever had a chance to start.
"I do care about you, Erin Silver," you remind her with optimism, "it's just sometimes we can forget who we are. One day you're happy, in love with a stable family. Next it all falls apart."
Silver gulps her martini.
"I kissed Ethan. No – he kissed me and anyway I kissed back and I broke up with Dixon because I want to be with Ethan. Or wanted."
The ramble is almost too truthful.
"Oh."
"Oh." She repeats.
"Hey! Another two here, please!" You demand.
It's the first time Silver grins in what feels like years.
--
Doesn't everyone want what Ethan and I have?
--
It's been a long, long year. Senior year is supposedly carefree, but that doesn't fit into anyone's vocabulary here.
You're supposed to be happy.
You're supposed to be partying at every opportunity.
You're supposed to be a lot of things, but you're just not and it's because you miss him.
Senior Prom is approaching rapidly. You know it's your excuse for a sister that caused the first wave of devastation on that night that would determine a lot of your fragile life.
Liam confessed everything. He took you out; looking like the most gorgeous guy you had ever laid eyes on. You think you're falling in love with him and it's obvious now that's he so utterly besotted with you, sometimes you wonder if this is the same person who slammed you against a locker to make out.
But then he reminds you it's not. Because now he's love with you.
Still though, there's a part of your heart he just cannot occupy.
Annie Wilson is the dark loner one now. People are almost afraid to approach her.
Once, you looked at her eating alone and considered letting her all the way back in again.
No-one should have to grieve alone, you thought. It sounded familiar.
But then reality seeped in again. Yes, you could give Annie Wilson a third, fourth chance. You could let her in. But no matter how much you might want to, you could never fully forgive her.
You hope that one day you'll be lucky enough to forget, but that day seems distant.
And Annie suddenly doesn't seem important with Adrianna and Silver by your side.
And when Liam kisses you and tells you how great you are and holds your hand you always remember to embrace him fully, because it could be gone tomorrow.
Tonight, you and Liam are both just cruising. You were bored and avoiding school work and dinner sounded good, when you make a strange request.
"Mind if you drop me off for a while to visit a friend?" You ask as sweetly as you can.
Liam drops you off at the cemetery and he was clearly confused before he actually remembered.
You approach the tombstone and lay the singular red rose on.
Sometimes, you'll come here and just think. Sometimes you'll talk to him. At least – you need to believe it's him that's hearing what you say.
"You know," you begin, not caring if people start staring, "If your heart was still beating, I'd say 'Hey' and you'd 'Hey' me back and we'd probably talk about our oh-so dramatic lives." You ramble, grinning like a fool. "Just for your comfort, Silver seems intent on being just friends with Dixon so...you're girl's not gone just yet. But you've lost me." You chuckle and feel a tear slid down your right cheek. "I'm kidding. You still have me."
There's such a space in your life, the place where he's missing. It used to be by your side, it used to be by Annie's and if he were here now, it would most likely be by Silver's. Still though, you want this boy here with you more than anything. You both went through too much, spanning social circles, parties, years and broken hearts to just have this emptiness.
"I miss you, E. We miss you everyday." You just smile and walk away before you breakdown.
Liam's red mustang rolls up and you enter.
"I love you." You say.
He takes your hand and kisses it. "I love you too. And it's okay to miss him."
"I know...it's just I can't see myself getting used to it."
"I'm with you. Whatever you need, you know that. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me." He says earnestly, his blue eyes seeing right through your soul.
You wish you could say you were completely with him too. But you never have and never will be, because a part of you is with a certain Ethan Ward.
--
I remember that hat. LA zoo, still cute. How you doing?
Alright. I realised I can't always get what I want. No matter how bad I want it. I can't fix my parents marriage. I can't make my dad love my mom.
I'm sorry.
You've been wonderful throughout all this craziness. Thank you. Do you think we could start over?
What do you mean?
All I know is that I miss those two people who went to the zoo and ate cotton candy and were silly and happy together.
So you're saying you want to get back together?
I'm saying take it day by day. See what happens.
I could do that.
Come here.
Still cute?
Still cute.
A/N: Review! Review! Review! (LOL.)