"She was very beautiful. Kind, but sad." – Leia's Force impression of her mother just before her death (Return of the Jedi)

Shards of Faith

From a single glance at Obi-Wan's face, she knew he hadn't done it. Deep within her heart she had always known him incapable of murdering the man he loved like a brother. It is a weakness they share: they cannot betray those they care about, even after those they care about have betrayed them.

In Obi-Wan's sea-colored eyes she can see a reflection of her own sorrow. He has witnessed the destruction of the Order that was his entire life. But he still has the Force. He remains a Jedi – perhaps the last of them, but still a Jedi. No one can take that from him. Unlike her, he still has an identity and something to believe in. Something to live for, to fight for.

She never had an identity outside of duty – to her people, to the Republic, to her husband.

Now she has no more causes to defend, no more ideals to honor. The illusion has shattered, revealing the flaws in the institutions to which she dedicated her life. She watched the members of the democratic Senate, who all swore to safeguard the Republic's Constitution and founding principles, applaud the death of liberty and the enslavement of the people whose interests they were elected to represent. In that terrible moment, she was forced to accept that democracy could be as defective a system as dictatorship. That they were sides of the same coin, easily flipped.

She has seen that war is an evil, yet sometimes so is peace. Perhaps she was wrong to espouse peace at all cost, for peace without liberty is nothing less than tyranny. Yet, having seen the horrors of war early in her life, how could she have done differently?

It was almost easy to let her anger overcome her aversion to war and violence when the enemy was the Trade Federation and its inhuman greedy allies. But Anakin, now a Sith, is her husband; the Empire was once the Republic she served, and the Emperor was once her mentor and friend. To fight against all she has fought for is more than she can do.

What Obi-Wan told her...

She wishes she had died not knowing. She wishes she had died on Geonosis, or on Cato Neimoidia, or on any other of her high-risk diplomatic missions during the war, when she still believed there was a cause to die for.

Bail Organa and Master Yoda are watching her. She knows Bail still hopes she will help the rebellion he is planning. Has he forgotten who she is?

She is, still, always, Amidala of Naboo. Palpatine helped her become Queen of their home planet, and she helped him become Chancellor of the Republic. She wouldn't have chosen politics as a career if he hadn't encouraged and guided her in that direction. Over more than a decade, they were in turns each other's advisor, diplomat, friend. Everything he has done is her fault.

Anakin's decision to side with Palpatine against the Jedi was no great surprise to her. The Chancellor was Anakin's friend and mentor for several years – as he was hers for more than a decade.

She had whispered to Bail, in her Senate pod surrounded by thunderous applause, to continue doing those things. Things she cannot do, cannot know about. She warned him not to tell her, not to trust her. Because she does not trust herself. How can she, after the role she has played in the murder of liberty?

To Bail, she knows, it is a clear matter of right and wrong. He was already planning a resistance while she sat numbly next to him in her Senate pod, not knowing what to think. (She still doesn't know.)

She came after Anakin to Mustafar still believing in one last ideal – love – and prepared to leave politics behind for it. If I can live in peace on Naboo with my husband and my child, she thought, it will be enough. Love was the only thing she had left – before her husband attacked her in crazed, murderous rage.

She still loves the man he once was, but she does not know the monster he has become. Like the Republic, he has transformed into something she cannot follow, and she has not the strength to wait for him to transform back as she knows he eventually will.

I'm doing it for you, to protect you, he said on Mustafar. Is it her fault? Did she lead him down this dark path? Loving her damned him. If he had never met her... If she hadn't allowed him to give in to his feelings for her...

If I am gone, he will have no reason to add to the blood on his hands, to further blacken his soul. If I am gone, he will not do what he plans to do.

"They need you," Obi-Wan says, clutching her hand, urging her to hold on for the twins' sake. He sees hope in her children who can become powerful Jedi. Bail hasn't given up either; his faith in democracy remains strong. But she cannot share their optimism. She can no longer see the light of hope. All she feels is sadness.

Obi-Wan is wrong. The children do not need her. They will be better off without her. Perhaps then they will do what she cannot.

She is Padmé Amidala of Naboo, and she is a curse upon that which she cares about. Her love turned Anakin into a monster. Her actions helped turn the Republic into a dictatorship. When they elected her to be their Queen, the Naboo called her the precursor of a new era. And so she has been: in her blind passion for imperfect ideals, she has brought an era of evil to the galaxy.

She and Obi-Wan might be reflections of each other in their grief for the Republic and for Anakin. But the mirror is warped. He still has a reason to live. She only has reasons to die.

end

Disclaimer: I don't own the Star Wars franchise. This is a work of fan fiction. No profit is being made and no copyright infringement is intended.