Disclaimer: I own no characters in Mai Hime or Mai Otome. Any references to manga, anime, novels whatsoever do not belong to me. Everything else that I created does. Do not attempt to sue me.
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It was a few weeks after the carnival ended. I was ready to leave this place, ready to tuck this part of my life away under a lock and key for eternity. All that will be left in the end would just be faded memories that you had of me. Eventually, everything will be reduced to a mere collection of dust as I stepped silently out of your life. Much as I wanted it to be, I knew that it wouldn't be possible between us. You don't feel in that way for me and all I can do is to resign to fate; it will be just like what I've done before I met you… before you made me feel again. Before you reminded me how to love. Everything must reset. I can't afford to hurt you anymore, but hurt will be all we get if this continues on.
But that night… right before I decided to leave… you appeared before me again… even though I made sure to not tell you where I moved to, made sure that I didn't see you again.
You came.
The sight of you marked the defeat of whatever defense and determination I had before this.
I invited you in silently, and between all the screams of 'No!' that were deeply echoing in my head and the 'Why?' that needed answering, I prepared tea for both of us. I didn't dare to speak, fearing that my voice would betray me, that my voice would sound like anything else but the perfectly trained tone it has. I was afraid, very afraid that you've come to rob me of my resignation to fate.
We sat there in silence. But after some time… you began to speak. You told me that you love me, that you finally realized what it is to love.
Your voice cracks slightly at this point, as though you really meant what you were saying, making me believe that there was still hope, that perhaps, I shouldn't leave after all. You made me believe that I had a future with you.
But when I looked into your eyes, they tell me no. Your emeralds dimmed despite the reflection of the moonlight. Your gaze turned away in the slightest motion as you confessed. The hollowness of your eyes… it was wrong. So very wrong.
Even so, you leant into my embrace and gave me a hug so tight, so warm, that I thought I was wrong, and that you really felt this way. You made me feel that all the waiting I did was all worthwhile, that it's all okay now. Within your embrace I found solace and peace, as if nothing else in this world matters except having your arms around me. I was prepared to face the worst that the cold and cruel world throws at me in your arms. Perhaps everything else was a lie and this was the only truth you offered; I felt like risking everything and placing my stake on the moment. Win, lose, draw… I'll never know. You are the dealer in this game of ours.
But yet, this nagging feeling at the back of my mind wouldn't leave me. Was this real? Or was it just another of those dreams that I had of you?
Such questions I asked to myself, as you proceeded to kiss me full on the lips. Your hands were busy wandering about, slowly gaining access to places that I only dreamt of letting you touch, making my nerves tingle all over with pleasure and letting me experience what it was like to have my dream come true. You fulfilled all that I wanted from the beginning in that instant, as if proving how much I meant to you by your very actions itself.
Just forget about all those fears, Shizuru.
It was probably just this one time - a goodbye ritual - but I could care less for anything right now.
Somewhere through the haze of pleasure, I felt your hands undoing the restrains, exposing myself to you; and you to me. The only sounds made were my ragged breaths of your name as you continued your merciless assault on me. You never gave me any chance to beg for more, your movements swift and decisive once you knew where my most sensitive areas were. Your fingers head nearer and nearer to forbidden fruit, twirling around in the curls, but almost never touching. I felt myself shivering with anticipation and need, but at the same time, I wished that I was the one doing this to you. I wanted to show you how much I really loved you; no restraints, no masks… just the Shizuru that allowed herself to be hurt by only you.
I thrashed around on the bed as you slipped into me, leading me nearer and nearer to the edge. I clutched at everything I could – blankets, pillows, the discarded clothing - you – as I leapt over and plunged down.
It felt like I was jumping down into a never ending darkness…
But if this was doom, I was willing to jump in for as long as you allowed me to.
Not one word was uttered from you during the whole lovemaking..
I lost the game.
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I woke up to an empty bed.
Gone… just like I'd thought.
Going through the procedures rather than the instincts, I searched the house for a sign that Natsuki hadn't left yet. I could find none, save for a little note stuck to the refrigerator.
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Shizuru, I'm sorry that I had disrupted any plans which you made before I appeared at your doorstep. Truly, I am. I went out to grab breakfast for both of us. Perhaps you would let me give you one last ride to the airport? I took the liberty of packing your suitcase for you during the night while you were asleep. Do look through it to see if I've missed anything out.
Yours truly,
- Natsuki
P.S – I took your keys.
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She packed my travel bags for me… did she wanted me to go away that desperately?
Then again, you had been a distraction to her, I guess. At least she did offer to send you to the airport and did fulfill your long- deprived desires…
Natsuki… what did you really mean?
I heard the front door creak as it was being pushed opened. I whirled around preparing to give a cheery greeting to her and expecting to see Natsuki with the usual stoic expression on her face. However, I wasn't prepared with the sight that she greeted me.
"Why are you looking at me like that, Shizuru? Is there something on my face?"
A dress… she never wore a dress in my presence before… nor on any other occasions. I had expected her to be wearing that form-fitting biker suit with the helmet clutched against her side and possibly holding on to some plastic bags.
"A dress, Natsuki? Did the sun come up from the west today while I was still asleep?"
"No. I wanted to be different for once, I guess."
She must have gotten out from the wrong side of bed today. Nothing else would have triggered off such a big change in her. Not even my constant pressure and teases had changed how Natsuki looked and did things.
Something was different today. But it still didn't change the fact that I was leaving.
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I still did not ask her the meaning of her little note.
We had been silent during the ride; I hugged her body as tightly as I dared, wanting to keep her warmth to myself for prolonged period of time. This was probably the last time I could hug her again.
We reached the terminal gate and I had to finally give her my goodbyes… forever…
I won't come back to Japan anymore.
"Alright Natsuki, I'll be fine from here on. You should go back to your apartment and start catching up with the syllabus if you don't want to be retained in first grade next year."
Inwardly, I gave a sigh of defeat. I had lost the game, but I wasn't going to be a sore loser – outward appearances could fool that much - deep down, I still felt raw and anguished; but her actions last night had taken most of the fight out of me.
Natsuki… you will always remain as my only love. This is a reluctant acceptance that I had made for both of us. I hope that you would forget me and seek for another person for suits you more.
"Natsuki… Goodbye…"
I headed out for the checkpoint.
"Oi, Shizuru. What do you think you're doing? Didn't you hear me say just last night that I was going away with you?"
Suddenly, the world brightened around me as I absorbed the meaning of her words.
I don't want to care about anymore details.
Just you. Natsuki.
The risks I took were not in vain… in the end, you'd let me win the game.
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A/N: This had been hanging around many weeks before I took the time off today and finished it. Hope that you enjoyed it as much as I do!
P.S – Shizuru will prepare tea if you review!