Operation: R.A.Y.G.U.N.
Raygun
Antagonizes
Youthful
Greatly
Underhanded
Neighbors
A Codename: Kids Next Door Fanfic By James a.k.a. Numbuh 8-BS
Written June 5th, 2003
Codename: Kids Next Door and all characters and related dingybobs are
owned by that Mr. Warburton guy. Why? Because he's god (well, maybe not... but as long
as he doesn't
pull a Kazuki Takahashi on us, he's A-1 in my book).
It just so happened one morning that Hoagie (Numbuh Two, the inventor) and Nigel (Numbuh One, the leader) were in Hoagie's workshop as Hoagie held aloft a strange, futuristic-looking raygun that shone against the backdrop of his rather plain though technology-laden room in a wooden treehouse.
"This thing was to be my greatest achievement, the invention to end all inventions, the miracle of aerodynamics! This, my friend, was the anti-gravity raygun!" Numbuh Two dramatically began.
"But there's a problem." Nigel finished without emotion.
Numbuh One's coldness brought Hoagie back to reality. With a sigh, he said "Yea. Thing is, it... doesn't seem to work quite like I planned it would."
"Explain."
"Better yet, I'll show you." After saying this, he pointed the raygun at a crumpled ball of styrofoam which had once been a model airplane. He pulled the trigger, and fired out a greenish-hued beam of light. When he let up, the styrofoam was no more. In it's place, was shaving cream.
"So... you've invented a Shaving Cream Ray." Numbuh One said, maintaining his total lack of emotion.
"Yea! I mean, isn't it great? It's wonderful, isn't it?... except that it runs on D batteries... and eats them up in a matter of minutes..." Hoagie slumped to the floor, "Oh forget it. I'll be honest Numbuh One, I think I'm losing it."
"Oh come now, Numbuh Two..." emotion began showing in his voice.
"I'm serious! A week ago, if I had set out to build an Anti-Gravity ray, it would've been an anti-gravity ray, not a shaving cream dispenser! And it doesn't even work on organic matter."
"Nonsense. We all have bad weeks. I'm willing to bet anything that next week you'll invent a perfect Anti-Gravity Ray! And who knows... this Shaving Cream device may come in handy one day."
"Like when we hit puberty." Numbuh Two said sulkingly.
As it was, Numbuh One had taken ahold of the raygun, and begun playfully pointing it at things while making "Bam!" sounds. At one point, he accidentally fired it at the wooden floor, and noticed that it produced no cream.
"What the... it didn't work!"
"Of course not. Wood is organic. For it to work it needs prolonged exposure, meaning you can't let up until it drains the battery."
"Oh great. That would take hours!"
"More like ten minutes."
"Oh." He twirled it, and then set it on a table. "Still, it may have it's purpose. Come on, let's go see what Three and Five are up to."
Three and Five were, it seemed, locked in fierce competition with regards to some game they were playing on devices oddly remniscient of old-style gameboys, linked together with one of those cables. Numbuh Three, Kuki (the cute one) was very much into the game, seeming to take the competition very seriously. Abigail (Numbuh Five), as usual, seemed to barely react to the game at all save for the occasional snarling expression, but you had to be quick to catch it. Meanwhile Wallabee (Numbuh Four) tried to watch the game from over their shoulders. Sometimes he would stop and make pointless commentary, such as "Yea! Wham 'em! Sock 'em!" and other such meaningless drivel.
It was during one such commentary that sour notes erupted from the gameboy device Kuki was holding, and her and Wallabee's faces both reflected the obvious results. He patted her on the shoulder, saying "It was a nice try, Numbuh Three."
"I told ya," Numbuh Five said, "The thing is, you're thinkin' ya'll can win simply ba mashin' the buttons down. I playin' with skill. Wanna try again?"
"I demand a rematch!" Kuki exclaimed, a bit irritated (five straight losses will do that to ya).
"All right. I'll even help ya this time. Now, see this angle I'm at? You never attack the other person when they're down there--oops, first mistake. Now you'll see why."
Nigel and Hoagie had entered the room during all this. Hoagie said nothing but "hey guys, whatcha playin'?" Nigel went to check the Kids Next Door Global Satellite Uplink to see if there were any missions he and his team could handle. While plenty of potential operations appeared as spots on the three-dimensional holographic globe, only a fraction of them were within his team's jurisdiction. Nonetheless, a few was enough for Nigel, and he was already picking out which locations he would investigate and when, scheduling them all.
Suddenly there was a knock at the front door. Nigel decided he was the closest, so he went and got it. Opening the door, he said "Hello--OH!" the outburst came as he hastily jumped to the left, narrowly avoiding an incoming dart. The dart flew, until...
"YEEOOOWCH!" screamed Numbuh Five, who, regaining her cool, pulled the dart from her hand. Numbuh One quickly shut the door, and ran asking "Numbuh Five, are you okay?" He looked at the dart, which resembled a syringe filled with some mysterious green liquid. Numbuh One feared the worst. "Numbuh Two, take her to your lab and see if you can extract the poison that entered her body."
"Aye-aye sir!" He saluted, then he took the dart from Nigel and he and Numbuh Five went into his lab post-haste. As the door shut, Numbuhs Three and Four listened in, not out of curiosity but out of concern for her safety.
Nigel, too, was concerned, but his feet ran the other way, towards the front door. He stepped out, quickly and at an angle as to avoid any further darts, and looked over the banister at the ground below, where he saw a figure making a run for it, but it was so fast that all Nigel could tell was that it was a kid like himself. He did a quick scan, and realised two things, one that if he jumped down he would likely just break his legs from this height, and two that by the time he got down the ladder, the perpitrator would be long gone. In a "Hmph" of resignation, he sulked back into the treehouse.
Numbuh Four immediately asked "Didja get 'im?"
"No, he--or she--was already almost gone. I could only make out one thing. Our suspect is a kid."
"I knew it!" Numbuh Four exclaimed, "The Delightful Children From Down the Lane! They've gone too far this time!" As usual when he's mad, Wallabee looked like he was ready to kill someone, and he probably was.
"Patience, Numbuh Four, we don't know that for certain yet."
"WHADDYA MEAN WE DON'T KNOW FOR CERTAIN?! What other enemies do we even have who happen to be kids?"
"For all we know, our perpitrator could've been some innocent bystander who was forced into this by a vile adult!"
"Do adults actually... do things like that?" Numbuh Three asked, quivering.
"Of course. Forcing kids to do things they don't want to do is a trademark of their existence! In any case, I've never known the Delightful Children From Down the Lane to resort to outright assassination routines. They'd attack us with a big robot or something."
Finally Wallabee simmered down. "I guess you're right. Maybe I should learn to control myself. But it so infuriates me that someone would actually do something like this..."
Kuki playfully hid behind Wallabee, and innocently asked "If someone tried to poison me, you'd protect me, wouldn't you?"
The sudden situation was kind of awkward, and he managed to blabber out "Yea... I guess so..."
"You guess so?! Is protecting me not high on your list of priorities?!"
"No! I mean, that's not what I...!"
"GOTCHA!" She said, poking his nose and giggling.
"Very funny," he mumbled.
Suddenly the door behind them opened, and out stepped the doctor and patient, only now she had a bandage around her hand.
"Good news, Numbuh One. I managed to extract most of it," Hoagie said, "And also, I ran some tests, and believe it or not, it's not poison."
"Then what is it?"
"I don't know," he shrugged, "but I'm going to hold on to this dart for further testing."
"Fine, please do so. How's your hand Numbuh Five?"
"Numbuh Five's just glad she got so lucky--it could have hit a vein." She answered.
"Yes. Fortunately this seems like it's a best-case scenario. But I want everyone to remain on constant vigil. I'm going to go check the security systems and see if any of our cameras caught something."
Silence... then Numbuh Three asked "Can we continue our game now?"
At night, all were asleep. Trusting in their security system, no one noticed a small spider creep along the floor, under the door and across the front room, creeping ever so swiftly to Numbuh Five's private chambers. Again just managing to squeeze under the heavy door thanks to cracks in the wood, it made it's way around Numbuh Five's rather plain, pleasant room. It crawled on her bed, up her shoulders, and to her ear.
And then, it bit.
When it did so, it's legs fell off, an a round spot started strobing a red light. As it did so, the voice of five children talking in unison was heard. At this moment, Abigail awoke, but she was not the same person. Her eyes reflected this, as they were now swirling green whirlpools, not the eyes of a ten-year-old girl.
"Find the dart," the voices on her ear said. And Numbuh Five got up and walked, not like a zombie or puppet, but normally enough as to not arouse suspicion. She left her room, which was only a hop, skip, and a jump away from Numbuh Two's lab (which was also his room). She had no problems entering it, for the security never suspects those it's trying to protect. The door slid open, and she walked in. There, in a secure encasing next to his analyzer machine, was the dart that had struck her hand earlier. She grabbed a nearby table which had been holding the Shaving Cream Ray (ignoring it since she did not know what it was) and broke the encasing. Then she retrieved the dart, and walked to the construct of a fighter jet's cockpick, which served as Numbuh Two's bed.
The sound of his cockpit's opening startled him to wakefulness. "Wha? Oh, hey Numbuh Five. Why up so late at ni--AHHHHHHHHHH!!!"
Numbuh Three woke up with a start, as did Numbuh Four and, of course, Nigel. That scream was enough to wake the dead. It wasn't long 'til the three of them were making a run for it. Numbuh Three, still having visions of poisoned darts, waited until Wallabee arrived, then proceeded to hide behind him. He didn't care. As for as he was concerned, it meant she wouldn't get in the way if he had to hit anyone with the wooden plank he was carrying.
It only took all three of them the space of a few seconds to arrive, what with their rooms being practically right next to each other and all. They were wondering why Numbuh Two's door was open... and why Two and Five were standing there so calmly, almost like statues.
"What happened, Numbuh Two?" Nigel asked, with some suspicion in his voice. He perked an eyebrow when he noticed the total lack of emotion in Numbuh Two's response.
"Someone stole that syringe we found earlier. Come look and see."
"Aw right," Numbuh Four started, but Nigel stopped him, whispering "Something's not right here."
Suddenly Kuki screamed "ZOOOOOOOMBIES!" The two remaining male members looked. While Nigel didn't agree, it was easy to see what she was talking about-- even through Hoagie's pilot cap, it was easy to see the swirling green whirlpools that had once been his eyes.
"So, that's the secret, eh?" He assumed a defensive stance. Following his lead, the other two did the same. "Now, my plan is--"
"CHAAAAAAARGE!" Numbuh Four yelled, running into close combat quarters. Just as Wallabee was flipping Hoagie over his shoulder, the zombie Abigail was running towards some switch on the wall. This action was all they saw before the door closed.
Both the remaining kids just stood there, listening. Kuki lost her defensive stance, and began to look more worried than anything.
After a few moments, there was silence. Then, the door re-opened. Numbuh Four stood there, triumphant. Behind him, the unconscious forms of his teammates.
Kuki was still a bit shaken, but Nigel stood calmly. "So, how did it go?"
"Cleanup's a breeze," he answered.
Kuki giggled happily, and (despite Nigel trying to stop her) ran to hug him, saying "Oh Numbuh Four, I was so wo--"
She didn't get to finish her sentence before she felt a syringe jabbed in her arm.
"So that's how it is," Nigel said, more to himself than anybody. He knew he could scarcely hope to render them all unconscious on his own, not without a weapon.
However, they seemed to act just as quickly as he could think, and already they had surrounded him. There was only one thing he could do. He jumped and backflipped out of their circle, and ran accross the room to where a clobbering device was mounted on the wall. But just before he got there, Numbuh Three jumped out in front of him. Fighting with her, he realized, would be pointless, since the battle would be joined in no time. He saw only one other option.
Quickly he jumped then cartwheeled his way towards the window which Numbuh Two had built a giant slingshot right next to. Arming himself in the rubber band, and aiming carefully, he fired himself out the window and through the sky, over one house, and right into the branches of another tree. He was virtually unharmed.
He climbed down, only to realize that this tree also had a treehouse-- a time-forsaken treeborn shack of rotten wood and nostalgic relics which had once been the headquarters of another Adult-fighting organization, the Cowboy Kids Club. The KND had met it's last member (an old woman who failed to realize her own age) some time ago, but after that particular mission, her fate and that of that of those she had been pursuing remained unknown. It looked like the place was abandoned--but then, to Nigel, it had always looked abandoned, so it's not like that fact was signifigant.
Nigel looked around. Despite this all being mostly dated junk to him, he decided that any weapon (even one he was sure would break the minute he used it) was better than no weapon at all. Nevertheless, looking around he could not find anything he thought would be any use, save for a length of rope (old but still sturdy) one of those sticks with a horse head on the end (could make a decent quarterstaff), and some firecrackers. He looked around, hoping to find a piece of paper so he could leave a note, but finding none, he hoped she simply wouldn't notice, or mind, when and if she returned. This was no time to worry about morality.
"He got away," the four zombified KND agents said in eerie unison.
"It doesn't matter," said a voice from Numbuh Five's ear-planted device. "Return to base."
"But we are in base!"
"Our base!"
"Oh." With that, the agents mosied on out the front door.
Numbuh One made his way back to his headquarters, quickly at first, but when he was within sight of it, he approached more slowly, having no way of knowing the others had left nearly half an hour ago. When he finally arrived, around one thirty in the morning, he made it a priority to scan the base first, then, verifying it being clear, decided to do what he had done at the headquarters of the Cowboy Kids Club--scavenge some weaponry.
There's only so much one person can carry. Of equipment he was sure to keep on him he was certain of the rope and stick, as well as a jet pack he had used once to defeat the Delightful Children From Down the Lane in a surprise attack. However, of a secondary weapon (one he could rely on if his stick broke) he had many to choose from. But then his eyes fell upon Numbuh Two's "mistake"... the Shaving Cream Ray.
"Hmmm," he picked it up, "Wait, this is brilliant! Yes, very brilliant... now all I need is D batteries."
Unfortunately, a check of the house did not reveal any, and there was no way he was heading back to his parents house while carrying all this gear. Heaven only knows what his parents would think. He needed rest, to store up stamina for tomorrow's mission--to find out the fate of his teammates. And he needed D batteries. Slowly, he climbed up to the higher reaches of the tree, and decided to rest in the one place they would not look--the "Crow's nest" which contained the controls for the laser defense system.
If you were a dollar store manager and a kid with a jetpack and a rope came in the place, what would you think? This dollar store manager didn't have time to think, for a kid with shades and, again, a rope and a jetpack came in, and grabbed about five packs of D batteries. He had just enough to pay for it before he left. A Dollar Store manager was left with a head to scratch and about five bucks and a few cents richer.
Numbuh One did some quick measurements while he was taking the batteries out of their wrappers and putting them into a pouch on his side. A count revealed he had sixty minutes worth of battery time. More than enough, he thought. Now it was time to find his friends, and he decided to start with the most obvious suspects: The Delightful Children From Down the Lane. They weren't really the most obvious, but at least Numbuh One knew where they lived.
Two in the afternoon, and they were still zombies. Around a swimming pool, the Delightful's were laying under sun umbrellas. The zombified KND operatives were there also. At this moment one of them, the blonde girl (note: I'm going to pointedly forego making up my own names for the Delightful Children, instead hoping that Mr. Warburton will one day name them himself), was delighting herself by doing up Kuki's hair as if she were just a my-size barbie doll. The rest were just watching her and laughing evilly, seeing as to how they didn't have enough personality to really do anything independently but they couldn't very well all be playing barber shop.
After awhile though, they got bored, especially since Kuki couldn't very well react to it, and said "I think I'm ready for a swim. Oh Abigail, would you be so kind as to put sunblock on us?"
And that's exactly what Numbuh Five did, giving them all a thorough scrubdown in sunscreen. Had she remembered this later, the thought would probably have sickened her for days (I should know... I'm losing my appetite just writing this). Fortunately, she was spared that particular torture. Afterwards, the Delightful's asked "Wally, would you like to play beach ball with us?"
Wallabee, of course, couldn't really answer that question.
"Give him some sunscreen too, Abigail." With that, they jumped into the water, soon followed by Wallabee. "Now, all we need is a ball..." an evil thought formed in their mind, for they already knew what, or rather who, they were going to use as a ball. A splash came from the left, and Hoagie P. Gilligan, trapped in an inflatable ball (not that he was able to mind), was floating near them.
When he was near enough, the Delightfuls, altogether as usual, tried their best to hit him really hard, right towards Wallabee, and off he went, speeding. "Your turn, Wallace!" they called, yet again accidentally calling him "Wallace" (the first time was in the TV Episode "Operation: C.A.K.E.D") and, in reply, Wallabee hit the Hoagie ball back at them even harder than they had hit towards him.
Nigel watched with binoculars from the safety of the Delightful's concrete fence. Inside him was a mix of resentment and amusement regarding the events he witnessed, but he didn't let his emotions get to him. He continued scanning the area, and looked through the window of the house. After moments of deliberation, he finally had a plan. Checking one last time only to see if any of the Delightful's had noticed him, he jumped down and ran towards their house.
After awhile, they got bored with ball, and stepped out of the water. "Come, follow me," they commanded, and the KND did so (to the best of their abilities, in Hoagie's case). "It's getting late. Father always warned us to never stay out too late. In any case, we've got big plans for the lot of you..."
And they walked, graceful and somehow sinister as only these kids can, followed by the occasionally bumbling zombies who were once KND operatives with personalities (notice a theme here?). Finally they reached the front door of their not-so-humble abode, and walked in... only to gasp in perfectly synched shock.
"Well well, I wondered when you goody-goodies would finally come in. I've been waiting here practically all afternoon!" Nigel falsely complained. Next to him was a fallen and open refridgerator... and below the refridgerator were the non-moving limbs of a shadowy figure. The refridgerator was still plugged in (thus giving off cold air).
"Father!" The Delightfuls cried in unison. Their father had traits similar to some fire-inclined elemental. He could manipulate fire and burst flames from his body that would make The Human Torch look like a microwave, but he had a severe weakness to coldness, which the Kids Next Door found out on the same day they met the chap in the first place. "You didn't," they continued, "you couldn't have...!"
"Oh hodgepodge. I could've easily done away with him if I wanted to. I've got a simple proposition for you. Tell me how to cure that mind control juice of yours, and I will gladly let your father out from under that refridgerator. Otherwise, prepare to have the biggest popsicle in the world."
At this, the Delightfuls hardened their resolve. "Pish-posh. It's not like we can't lift a refridgerator." At this point, they proceeded to move towards it to do so. Nigel just let them, and proceeded to jump out of the sofa while they were otherwise occupied. As they were lifting the fridge, they suddenly felt the heavy metal be replaced by something soft and squishy that barely weighed anything at all. After spitting out some that accidentally got in their mouths, they asked "What was that?"
Nigel turned to them after setting the air conditioner to zero, and said "That, children, is the new secret weapon of the Kids Next Door." He aimed, "Now either you cough up the antidote or share the fate of that refridgerator!" he hoped they'd buy his bluff.
The Delightful Children looked at each other and shook their heads. "We won't give in."
"There's only three options. One, you give me the antidote. Two, you try to escape and I turn you into shaving cream. Finally, we can all stand here and die of hypothermia."
"At least then we'll take the Kids Next Door down with us."
"All right, then I have only one other choice." Quickly he whipped out the rope, and lassoed one of the Delightful's, the blonde one. Before the others could catch her, he had yanked her over to his vicinity, and then said "the minute anyone moves, the lot of you becomes cream, understood?" With that, he began backing away. "Now, we're going to play a little game," he said as he was double-double securing the rope, "every time I say 'Marco' you must respond with 'Polo' is that clear?"
"Yes." The five said at once.
He put ten feet between them. "Marco!"
"Polo!"
Fifteen feet. "Marco!"
"Polo!"
Eighteen feet. "Marco!"
"Polo!"
His feet were to the stairs. He was halfway up them. The blonde girl began to get fidgety. "Marco!"
"Polo!"
Top of the stairs. The blonde girl was sweating. Nigel smiled. "Marco!"
"Polo!" talking at their normal voices, they almost couldn't be heard.
"I didn't hear you, say it louder!"
"POLO!"
"Much better!"
He moved down an upstairs hallway. "MARCO!"
"POLO!" They were becoming hard to hear again. The blonde girl was really getting uptight.
At the end of an upstairs hallway. "MARCO!"
"POLO!" They sounded like a whisper now.
"Please, no" she pleaded, "Anything but this."
A bend in the hall, he passed a door, and asked "What's in there?"
"M-m-my father's study."
He entered, dragging her in. After shutting the door, he yelled "MARCO!" one last time.
There was no Polo.
"UWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" The blonde girl cried. "Please, no, not this, anything but this! Let me go, LET ME GO!!!"
"Just as I thought. As usual, a bit of mental anguish always pays off. Remind me to write this on a school report, 'The Effects of Cutting Off a Sheep From the Flock'."
"I can't stand this... I'm... losing my mind..."
"I bet. You're probably not even synchronized anymore. I bet someone like you must feel terrible."
"Everything's... weird... all logical thought is becoming null and void."
"Yes, but you know, if you would just tell me where the antidote is..."
"No... I can't... father would..."
"Look here. If I wanted to, I could drag you all the way to Minnesota, and then you'll never be in perfect synch with your brothers and sisters again, ever, and your entire family unity will be ruined. Who knows, it might actually do you some good." He felt the air in the room start to warm up. "Guess they fixed the temperature."
"Father will save me. And he'll fix me if I'm damaged."
"Ha. By the time your father gets here, anything I've done will be irreversible." He leaned on the office desk present in this room, "Who knows. They'll probably think your sanity has been shot and put you in a mental ward."
"Why are you doing this?" She whined, her eyes gone wide.
"WHAT?!" This was the last thing he had expected to hear. "I could very well ask you the same thing. Why do you stick up for grownups? Why are you such bullying chumps? Why do you attack us in our own base on a rather consistent basis? What did we ever do to you (that you didn't deserve)? My reasons are very clear. I've got four of them and for some reason they're in your house, obeying your orders, even though they hate your guts... except Numbuh Three, I don't think she's capable of hating anyone."
The blonde girl was starting to sound a little hysterical now. "Yes... Kuki is rather cute, isn't she? Are you and her... you know... a couple?"
Nigel actually wasn't shocked at this one, mostly because his mind was occupied with coming up with ways of getting this girl to fess up the antidote a bit quicker. His mouth kept talking, saying "Hah. I've got someone else."
"Abby?"
"Numbuh Five? No. It's someone you wouldn't know. A girl named Lizzie." Suddenly Nigel's brain decided to do a bit of multitasking and pointed out the obvious to him. "Wait, why am I telling you this?"
"It's too late... I've lost my mind. I'm carrying on conversations with my enemy. I've lost it. Curse you, Nigel... Father will be so disappointed."
Nigel, however, had another idea. "Are you afraid of your father?"
"Yes, very."
"Have you ever thought of... escaping?"
"It's impossible. There' no way. And why would I want to, I have a nice, happy family..."
"You don't have a family! You have a sister and three brothers who are nothing but mindless drones who can't even think unless the rest of the collective is thinking the same thing! Never mind... the point is..."
Before he could finish the thought, he saw the doorknob turning. Pulling the girl into a corner, he pushed the desk to the door. "...Never mind! Tell me the antidote!"
"ALL RIGHT! I WILL! But on one condition."
"Name it."
"Kill me! If you don't, my father will."
"Sorry, but with my equipment I couldn't do that and still have enough time to make my escape. Why would you want me to do a thing like that anyway?"
"Because... if father finds out I'm a traitor..." A tear fell from her eye.
Nigel became somewhat sympathetic, and said "How about I knock you out instead? I could do that quite easily, it would have the same results. Heck, you might forget this entire ordeal ever occured."
"Right, okay. The antidote is..."
He listened silently.
"...lip-to-lip contact between a male and female."
"Wait... you mean kissing?"
"Yes. It has to be between male and female though, otherwise it won't work."
"So all I have to do is kiss Numbuh Three and Five and have them kiss Two and Four..."
"Yea, basically. I think Lizzie will understand, don't you?"
He only glanced back in answer before concentrating on the door. "What are the walls of this place made of?"
"Mostly wood. Why?"
"That's my secret." He said just before karate chopping her in the neck. She passed out soundlessly. "Now... wood is organic... But I think that desk can hold for ten minutes." With that, he put his back to the desk, holding it against the door, and shot at the wall he was now facing. A lead statue that was in the way got shaving creamed, as did a collection of plates, but it mattered not to Nigel Uno. After all, they were someone else's statues and plates. After ten minutes, he had exactly what he was hoping for--an exit. He bolted for it (popping a new battery in, and holding on to the spent one for something else), jumping through the cream that used to be a wall and right onto a bed, which he bounced off of landing right in front of a door which he opened and quickly ran through.
Funny thing is, while someone had been beating at his friend's father's chamber door, the rest of the Delightfuls had, in fact, not moved, and he came out at a room near the top of the stairway. He was spotted as he ran towards the stairs, and just as he got on the banister (looking down a hallway to see who was right behind him) he heard the four shout "He's here!"
He leaped off the banister and pulled out the horse-head-on-a-stick thing. Landing in the midst of the remaining Delightful Children, he quickly knocked out the short, fat girl with a knockout jab to the neck, thrust it foreward into the chin of the boy with the long thin head, again used the pointy end (as in the one without the horse head) and jabbed it up the one kid's helmet, and finally swung at the rather plain boy, knocking him out cold. Beating a bunch of Delightfuls had never been this easy.
From the stairs he heard a ruckus, and none too soon, for his own operatives were now coming at him. Hoagie was the closest, with Abigail close behind, and Nigel already had his plan worked out. Standing over the fallen form of the short, fat girl, Nigel called "Have at me, Numbuh Two!" This worked, and Hoagie charged at him like a raging bull, but just in time, Nigel managed to pick up the girl's face to the needed height, and the two, by calculation, connected lips.
Hoagie's eyes lost the swirl, his senses returned. When he was finally able to grasp the situation, he backed off, and coughed, and fell to the floor as if he was getting sick. "Ewww, yuck!" He stated, "You made me kiss a Delightful kid! What is the matter with you, Nigel?!"
"I'm sorry, but it was the only way to free you from their mind- control--I'll explain later. Right now, I need you to kiss Numbuh Five."
"What?!?!" He was no longer feeling sick. "No way! You're the one that likes her, you kiss her!"
"What do you mean by--oh, never mind. At the same time then!"
"Yea, whatever. Let's just get this overwith."
"All right... one, two, three, go!"
And... both connected at the same time. Numbuh Five's senses returned, and when she was aware of the situation, she pushed them both back, made a defensive stance, and said "You have five seconds to explain yo'selves!"
"Mindcontrolpotion.Kissingcuresit.Mustbemaletofemale!" Nigel explained in less than five seconds.
She lost her defensive stance, assuming more of a stern look and tapping her foot. "You serious?"
"Want proof? There's Numbuh Four, see for yourself."
Abigail shook her head in dismay, but said "Fine, fine, but if any of you get weird on me again..." she let her sentence die as she grabbed an approaching Numbuh Four and layed a smack to him. His senses returned, his orientation followed a second or so afterward. "Aww man... did Numbuh Five just kiss me? Man, I 'ate kissin!"
"If these jokers are fo' real, then ya'll ain't got no choice, luvah boy." Abigail informed him. "Now, someone jus' need to kiss Numbuh Three and we'll be home free."
"It's not gonna be me!" Numbuh Four stated.
"When I'm done," said a voice, "You four won't have enough life in you to kiss the dirt!"
They looked up, and who should they see but the Delightful Father of the Delightful Children! Behind him, Numbuh One heard the bars and security doors close tight... not that he felt it mattered.
"Kids Next Door... Battle stations!"
"But we haven't freed Numbuh Three yet!" Hoagie protested.
"That can wait 'til we get home yo," Five pointed out. "Right now it's time to clear the perimeter."
"Numbuh Two," said Nigel, "What does your expert opinion on aerodynamics tell you about this battery?" He handed him the spent battery.
"Ummm.... I dunno, what are you looking for Numbuh One?"
"If he were just a bit closer, could you throw it and hit his forehead? Near the top, so he looks up."
Being "just a bit closer" would not be a hard task for long, with how fast he was coming.
"At this distance, yea. You want me to?"
"Yes, now!" Nigel aimed.
The battery flew, a thunk was heard, a man looked up and saw a Rayovac Alkaline, but just before he could ask what was going on, a beam of light whizzed past, and in place of the battery was now a glop of shaving cream, which fell and burned his eyes.
"Whoa! That was cool Numbuh One! Hey, what was that anyway?"
"That, Numbuh Two, was your supposed 'failure' in action."
"My Shaving Cream Ray? Cool!"
"Shaving Cream Ray?!" Numbuh Five asked, disbelieving.
The villain with the burned eyes (and everything else for that matter) stumbled down the stairs, and Numbuh One debated something within himself. Finally he said "Well, I did want to see if he had one of those huge storage freezers, so I could lock him in it, but it's hard to think about that while she is trying to kill me." Behind him, Kuki was repeatedly pounding on his back. "Someone hold onto her." With that, he turned, and blasted the metal security door. Being non- organic, it became creamilicious in seconds. The wooden door beyond that wasn't a problem, since it was unlocked, they simply opened it and walked on out.
"You know... she's kinda cute when she's trying to kill us," said Numbuh Four, who was trying his darndest to keep the still zombified Numbuh Three from pounding ever so viciously on Numbuh One. "Did we ever decide who was gonna lay the smacker on her?"
"I was thinking we'd all three do it at the same time just to avoid that very question."
"But..."
"At least you won't be alone."
Numbuh Four shrugged with resignation. "Oh all right..."
Abigail held Kuki still, and did the countdown. At the count of one, smooch. Kuki regained her senses, blinked her eyes, and her mind took a moment to register the situation. When it did, she shivered and a shy, somewhat frightened look appeared on her face (part of which she covered with those sleeves), followed by her hiding behind Numbuh Five. "What are they doing?" She asked silently.
Numbuh Five, however, answered by getting behind her and pushing her foreward, saying "You the girl of the moment, baby! Now les' see that again."
"Numbuh Five!" They all exclaimed. All was silent, as Kuki fidgetted nervously. She looked at the boys, and said "Ummm... uhhhh.... ummmm.... that is.... uhhhh..... I'll be in my room!" She resolved. "Numbuh Five, let go!" Numbuh Five did, and Kuki, looking at the guys one last time (almost smiling from embarrassment) dashed off without another word.
"Awwwwww. Told ya'll her reaction would be a classic," commented Numbuh Five, watching a tape labeled "Kuki's first (and second, and third) kiss" which contained the moments from when Numbuh Four said "She's cute when she's trying to kill us" to where Kuki dashed off in embarrassment. It was late at night now, and Kuki had since rejoined them, though she was still nervous, hugging herself.
"I still can't believe ya taped this." Numbuh Four said. "Girls are so strange."
"So, Nigel... how many batteries did you use?"
"Just two for that mission."
"Only two? Wow... I've got to think of another name then. I was going to call it C.R.E.A.M., for 'Crazy Raygun Eats Alkaline Meals' but if you used only two batteries..."
"Actually, I think that name still fits. Yes, we'll call it the C.R.E.A.M." Silence, then he asked "Are you all right Numbuh Three?"
"Yea... we're sorry. We really kind of scared you. And thanks to Abigail, I thought you were gonna have a nervous breakdown."
No answer.
"Numbuh Three?"
"Aww, would ya look at that," Wallabee pointed out, "She went to sleep."
"A lead I think we should follow." Nigel pointed out. "We've still got children to rescue, and tomorrow is going to be a very busy day." Mutually it was agreed. Intending not to wake her up, they left Kuki where she was, though were nice enough to get a blanket and pillow for her. Afterwards, they filtered out of the room.
The next day was, in fact, very busy... but that's for another story.
Thanks for reading. Be sure also to check out my KND Web site which is full of detailed character summaries and even more fanfics by me, and is soon to feature detailed episode reviews and fan-art. The link is in my FF.net info page, found by clicking my name.
Afterword
Well, it's been months since I wrote a fanfic. Some will remember that I used to write some for Chip 'n Dale Rescue Rangers, but stopped. This was because, frankly, I not only got bored of it, but no one, not even me, was appreciating my work. One person pretty much told me it was "too different," but I myself arrived at a different conclusion--it all just, quite frankly, sucked. I had ideas for new fanfics, but the Rangers were starting to bore me at that time, so all drops got planned... I mean, all plans got dropped.
Frankly though, now that I think about it, my initial lack of popularity is not so bad... I mean, no one liked Evil Dead at first, either. Good authors usually take years to be recognised, while people who jump to instant popularity are usually forgotten the minute the next big hit comes around. And if my stuff really does suck, then... hey, I'm right for once!
But anyway... Kids Next Door was a fresh of breath air to me. The show was basically everything I (and some other authors) had tried to accomplish with Rescue Rangers. Sorry to plug some of my own works here, but it was like a strange mix of Mind Media, Channels of Time, and my worst childhood memories all rolled into one, and I really enjoy that.
Raygun
Antagonizes
Youthful
Greatly
Underhanded
Neighbors
A Codename: Kids Next Door Fanfic By James a.k.a. Numbuh 8-BS
Written June 5th, 2003
Codename: Kids Next Door and all characters and related dingybobs are
owned by that Mr. Warburton guy. Why? Because he's god (well, maybe not... but as long
as he doesn't
pull a Kazuki Takahashi on us, he's A-1 in my book).
It just so happened one morning that Hoagie (Numbuh Two, the inventor) and Nigel (Numbuh One, the leader) were in Hoagie's workshop as Hoagie held aloft a strange, futuristic-looking raygun that shone against the backdrop of his rather plain though technology-laden room in a wooden treehouse.
"This thing was to be my greatest achievement, the invention to end all inventions, the miracle of aerodynamics! This, my friend, was the anti-gravity raygun!" Numbuh Two dramatically began.
"But there's a problem." Nigel finished without emotion.
Numbuh One's coldness brought Hoagie back to reality. With a sigh, he said "Yea. Thing is, it... doesn't seem to work quite like I planned it would."
"Explain."
"Better yet, I'll show you." After saying this, he pointed the raygun at a crumpled ball of styrofoam which had once been a model airplane. He pulled the trigger, and fired out a greenish-hued beam of light. When he let up, the styrofoam was no more. In it's place, was shaving cream.
"So... you've invented a Shaving Cream Ray." Numbuh One said, maintaining his total lack of emotion.
"Yea! I mean, isn't it great? It's wonderful, isn't it?... except that it runs on D batteries... and eats them up in a matter of minutes..." Hoagie slumped to the floor, "Oh forget it. I'll be honest Numbuh One, I think I'm losing it."
"Oh come now, Numbuh Two..." emotion began showing in his voice.
"I'm serious! A week ago, if I had set out to build an Anti-Gravity ray, it would've been an anti-gravity ray, not a shaving cream dispenser! And it doesn't even work on organic matter."
"Nonsense. We all have bad weeks. I'm willing to bet anything that next week you'll invent a perfect Anti-Gravity Ray! And who knows... this Shaving Cream device may come in handy one day."
"Like when we hit puberty." Numbuh Two said sulkingly.
As it was, Numbuh One had taken ahold of the raygun, and begun playfully pointing it at things while making "Bam!" sounds. At one point, he accidentally fired it at the wooden floor, and noticed that it produced no cream.
"What the... it didn't work!"
"Of course not. Wood is organic. For it to work it needs prolonged exposure, meaning you can't let up until it drains the battery."
"Oh great. That would take hours!"
"More like ten minutes."
"Oh." He twirled it, and then set it on a table. "Still, it may have it's purpose. Come on, let's go see what Three and Five are up to."
Three and Five were, it seemed, locked in fierce competition with regards to some game they were playing on devices oddly remniscient of old-style gameboys, linked together with one of those cables. Numbuh Three, Kuki (the cute one) was very much into the game, seeming to take the competition very seriously. Abigail (Numbuh Five), as usual, seemed to barely react to the game at all save for the occasional snarling expression, but you had to be quick to catch it. Meanwhile Wallabee (Numbuh Four) tried to watch the game from over their shoulders. Sometimes he would stop and make pointless commentary, such as "Yea! Wham 'em! Sock 'em!" and other such meaningless drivel.
It was during one such commentary that sour notes erupted from the gameboy device Kuki was holding, and her and Wallabee's faces both reflected the obvious results. He patted her on the shoulder, saying "It was a nice try, Numbuh Three."
"I told ya," Numbuh Five said, "The thing is, you're thinkin' ya'll can win simply ba mashin' the buttons down. I playin' with skill. Wanna try again?"
"I demand a rematch!" Kuki exclaimed, a bit irritated (five straight losses will do that to ya).
"All right. I'll even help ya this time. Now, see this angle I'm at? You never attack the other person when they're down there--oops, first mistake. Now you'll see why."
Nigel and Hoagie had entered the room during all this. Hoagie said nothing but "hey guys, whatcha playin'?" Nigel went to check the Kids Next Door Global Satellite Uplink to see if there were any missions he and his team could handle. While plenty of potential operations appeared as spots on the three-dimensional holographic globe, only a fraction of them were within his team's jurisdiction. Nonetheless, a few was enough for Nigel, and he was already picking out which locations he would investigate and when, scheduling them all.
Suddenly there was a knock at the front door. Nigel decided he was the closest, so he went and got it. Opening the door, he said "Hello--OH!" the outburst came as he hastily jumped to the left, narrowly avoiding an incoming dart. The dart flew, until...
"YEEOOOWCH!" screamed Numbuh Five, who, regaining her cool, pulled the dart from her hand. Numbuh One quickly shut the door, and ran asking "Numbuh Five, are you okay?" He looked at the dart, which resembled a syringe filled with some mysterious green liquid. Numbuh One feared the worst. "Numbuh Two, take her to your lab and see if you can extract the poison that entered her body."
"Aye-aye sir!" He saluted, then he took the dart from Nigel and he and Numbuh Five went into his lab post-haste. As the door shut, Numbuhs Three and Four listened in, not out of curiosity but out of concern for her safety.
Nigel, too, was concerned, but his feet ran the other way, towards the front door. He stepped out, quickly and at an angle as to avoid any further darts, and looked over the banister at the ground below, where he saw a figure making a run for it, but it was so fast that all Nigel could tell was that it was a kid like himself. He did a quick scan, and realised two things, one that if he jumped down he would likely just break his legs from this height, and two that by the time he got down the ladder, the perpitrator would be long gone. In a "Hmph" of resignation, he sulked back into the treehouse.
Numbuh Four immediately asked "Didja get 'im?"
"No, he--or she--was already almost gone. I could only make out one thing. Our suspect is a kid."
"I knew it!" Numbuh Four exclaimed, "The Delightful Children From Down the Lane! They've gone too far this time!" As usual when he's mad, Wallabee looked like he was ready to kill someone, and he probably was.
"Patience, Numbuh Four, we don't know that for certain yet."
"WHADDYA MEAN WE DON'T KNOW FOR CERTAIN?! What other enemies do we even have who happen to be kids?"
"For all we know, our perpitrator could've been some innocent bystander who was forced into this by a vile adult!"
"Do adults actually... do things like that?" Numbuh Three asked, quivering.
"Of course. Forcing kids to do things they don't want to do is a trademark of their existence! In any case, I've never known the Delightful Children From Down the Lane to resort to outright assassination routines. They'd attack us with a big robot or something."
Finally Wallabee simmered down. "I guess you're right. Maybe I should learn to control myself. But it so infuriates me that someone would actually do something like this..."
Kuki playfully hid behind Wallabee, and innocently asked "If someone tried to poison me, you'd protect me, wouldn't you?"
The sudden situation was kind of awkward, and he managed to blabber out "Yea... I guess so..."
"You guess so?! Is protecting me not high on your list of priorities?!"
"No! I mean, that's not what I...!"
"GOTCHA!" She said, poking his nose and giggling.
"Very funny," he mumbled.
Suddenly the door behind them opened, and out stepped the doctor and patient, only now she had a bandage around her hand.
"Good news, Numbuh One. I managed to extract most of it," Hoagie said, "And also, I ran some tests, and believe it or not, it's not poison."
"Then what is it?"
"I don't know," he shrugged, "but I'm going to hold on to this dart for further testing."
"Fine, please do so. How's your hand Numbuh Five?"
"Numbuh Five's just glad she got so lucky--it could have hit a vein." She answered.
"Yes. Fortunately this seems like it's a best-case scenario. But I want everyone to remain on constant vigil. I'm going to go check the security systems and see if any of our cameras caught something."
Silence... then Numbuh Three asked "Can we continue our game now?"
At night, all were asleep. Trusting in their security system, no one noticed a small spider creep along the floor, under the door and across the front room, creeping ever so swiftly to Numbuh Five's private chambers. Again just managing to squeeze under the heavy door thanks to cracks in the wood, it made it's way around Numbuh Five's rather plain, pleasant room. It crawled on her bed, up her shoulders, and to her ear.
And then, it bit.
When it did so, it's legs fell off, an a round spot started strobing a red light. As it did so, the voice of five children talking in unison was heard. At this moment, Abigail awoke, but she was not the same person. Her eyes reflected this, as they were now swirling green whirlpools, not the eyes of a ten-year-old girl.
"Find the dart," the voices on her ear said. And Numbuh Five got up and walked, not like a zombie or puppet, but normally enough as to not arouse suspicion. She left her room, which was only a hop, skip, and a jump away from Numbuh Two's lab (which was also his room). She had no problems entering it, for the security never suspects those it's trying to protect. The door slid open, and she walked in. There, in a secure encasing next to his analyzer machine, was the dart that had struck her hand earlier. She grabbed a nearby table which had been holding the Shaving Cream Ray (ignoring it since she did not know what it was) and broke the encasing. Then she retrieved the dart, and walked to the construct of a fighter jet's cockpick, which served as Numbuh Two's bed.
The sound of his cockpit's opening startled him to wakefulness. "Wha? Oh, hey Numbuh Five. Why up so late at ni--AHHHHHHHHHH!!!"
Numbuh Three woke up with a start, as did Numbuh Four and, of course, Nigel. That scream was enough to wake the dead. It wasn't long 'til the three of them were making a run for it. Numbuh Three, still having visions of poisoned darts, waited until Wallabee arrived, then proceeded to hide behind him. He didn't care. As for as he was concerned, it meant she wouldn't get in the way if he had to hit anyone with the wooden plank he was carrying.
It only took all three of them the space of a few seconds to arrive, what with their rooms being practically right next to each other and all. They were wondering why Numbuh Two's door was open... and why Two and Five were standing there so calmly, almost like statues.
"What happened, Numbuh Two?" Nigel asked, with some suspicion in his voice. He perked an eyebrow when he noticed the total lack of emotion in Numbuh Two's response.
"Someone stole that syringe we found earlier. Come look and see."
"Aw right," Numbuh Four started, but Nigel stopped him, whispering "Something's not right here."
Suddenly Kuki screamed "ZOOOOOOOMBIES!" The two remaining male members looked. While Nigel didn't agree, it was easy to see what she was talking about-- even through Hoagie's pilot cap, it was easy to see the swirling green whirlpools that had once been his eyes.
"So, that's the secret, eh?" He assumed a defensive stance. Following his lead, the other two did the same. "Now, my plan is--"
"CHAAAAAAARGE!" Numbuh Four yelled, running into close combat quarters. Just as Wallabee was flipping Hoagie over his shoulder, the zombie Abigail was running towards some switch on the wall. This action was all they saw before the door closed.
Both the remaining kids just stood there, listening. Kuki lost her defensive stance, and began to look more worried than anything.
After a few moments, there was silence. Then, the door re-opened. Numbuh Four stood there, triumphant. Behind him, the unconscious forms of his teammates.
Kuki was still a bit shaken, but Nigel stood calmly. "So, how did it go?"
"Cleanup's a breeze," he answered.
Kuki giggled happily, and (despite Nigel trying to stop her) ran to hug him, saying "Oh Numbuh Four, I was so wo--"
She didn't get to finish her sentence before she felt a syringe jabbed in her arm.
"So that's how it is," Nigel said, more to himself than anybody. He knew he could scarcely hope to render them all unconscious on his own, not without a weapon.
However, they seemed to act just as quickly as he could think, and already they had surrounded him. There was only one thing he could do. He jumped and backflipped out of their circle, and ran accross the room to where a clobbering device was mounted on the wall. But just before he got there, Numbuh Three jumped out in front of him. Fighting with her, he realized, would be pointless, since the battle would be joined in no time. He saw only one other option.
Quickly he jumped then cartwheeled his way towards the window which Numbuh Two had built a giant slingshot right next to. Arming himself in the rubber band, and aiming carefully, he fired himself out the window and through the sky, over one house, and right into the branches of another tree. He was virtually unharmed.
He climbed down, only to realize that this tree also had a treehouse-- a time-forsaken treeborn shack of rotten wood and nostalgic relics which had once been the headquarters of another Adult-fighting organization, the Cowboy Kids Club. The KND had met it's last member (an old woman who failed to realize her own age) some time ago, but after that particular mission, her fate and that of that of those she had been pursuing remained unknown. It looked like the place was abandoned--but then, to Nigel, it had always looked abandoned, so it's not like that fact was signifigant.
Nigel looked around. Despite this all being mostly dated junk to him, he decided that any weapon (even one he was sure would break the minute he used it) was better than no weapon at all. Nevertheless, looking around he could not find anything he thought would be any use, save for a length of rope (old but still sturdy) one of those sticks with a horse head on the end (could make a decent quarterstaff), and some firecrackers. He looked around, hoping to find a piece of paper so he could leave a note, but finding none, he hoped she simply wouldn't notice, or mind, when and if she returned. This was no time to worry about morality.
"He got away," the four zombified KND agents said in eerie unison.
"It doesn't matter," said a voice from Numbuh Five's ear-planted device. "Return to base."
"But we are in base!"
"Our base!"
"Oh." With that, the agents mosied on out the front door.
Numbuh One made his way back to his headquarters, quickly at first, but when he was within sight of it, he approached more slowly, having no way of knowing the others had left nearly half an hour ago. When he finally arrived, around one thirty in the morning, he made it a priority to scan the base first, then, verifying it being clear, decided to do what he had done at the headquarters of the Cowboy Kids Club--scavenge some weaponry.
There's only so much one person can carry. Of equipment he was sure to keep on him he was certain of the rope and stick, as well as a jet pack he had used once to defeat the Delightful Children From Down the Lane in a surprise attack. However, of a secondary weapon (one he could rely on if his stick broke) he had many to choose from. But then his eyes fell upon Numbuh Two's "mistake"... the Shaving Cream Ray.
"Hmmm," he picked it up, "Wait, this is brilliant! Yes, very brilliant... now all I need is D batteries."
Unfortunately, a check of the house did not reveal any, and there was no way he was heading back to his parents house while carrying all this gear. Heaven only knows what his parents would think. He needed rest, to store up stamina for tomorrow's mission--to find out the fate of his teammates. And he needed D batteries. Slowly, he climbed up to the higher reaches of the tree, and decided to rest in the one place they would not look--the "Crow's nest" which contained the controls for the laser defense system.
If you were a dollar store manager and a kid with a jetpack and a rope came in the place, what would you think? This dollar store manager didn't have time to think, for a kid with shades and, again, a rope and a jetpack came in, and grabbed about five packs of D batteries. He had just enough to pay for it before he left. A Dollar Store manager was left with a head to scratch and about five bucks and a few cents richer.
Numbuh One did some quick measurements while he was taking the batteries out of their wrappers and putting them into a pouch on his side. A count revealed he had sixty minutes worth of battery time. More than enough, he thought. Now it was time to find his friends, and he decided to start with the most obvious suspects: The Delightful Children From Down the Lane. They weren't really the most obvious, but at least Numbuh One knew where they lived.
Two in the afternoon, and they were still zombies. Around a swimming pool, the Delightful's were laying under sun umbrellas. The zombified KND operatives were there also. At this moment one of them, the blonde girl (note: I'm going to pointedly forego making up my own names for the Delightful Children, instead hoping that Mr. Warburton will one day name them himself), was delighting herself by doing up Kuki's hair as if she were just a my-size barbie doll. The rest were just watching her and laughing evilly, seeing as to how they didn't have enough personality to really do anything independently but they couldn't very well all be playing barber shop.
After awhile though, they got bored, especially since Kuki couldn't very well react to it, and said "I think I'm ready for a swim. Oh Abigail, would you be so kind as to put sunblock on us?"
And that's exactly what Numbuh Five did, giving them all a thorough scrubdown in sunscreen. Had she remembered this later, the thought would probably have sickened her for days (I should know... I'm losing my appetite just writing this). Fortunately, she was spared that particular torture. Afterwards, the Delightful's asked "Wally, would you like to play beach ball with us?"
Wallabee, of course, couldn't really answer that question.
"Give him some sunscreen too, Abigail." With that, they jumped into the water, soon followed by Wallabee. "Now, all we need is a ball..." an evil thought formed in their mind, for they already knew what, or rather who, they were going to use as a ball. A splash came from the left, and Hoagie P. Gilligan, trapped in an inflatable ball (not that he was able to mind), was floating near them.
When he was near enough, the Delightfuls, altogether as usual, tried their best to hit him really hard, right towards Wallabee, and off he went, speeding. "Your turn, Wallace!" they called, yet again accidentally calling him "Wallace" (the first time was in the TV Episode "Operation: C.A.K.E.D") and, in reply, Wallabee hit the Hoagie ball back at them even harder than they had hit towards him.
Nigel watched with binoculars from the safety of the Delightful's concrete fence. Inside him was a mix of resentment and amusement regarding the events he witnessed, but he didn't let his emotions get to him. He continued scanning the area, and looked through the window of the house. After moments of deliberation, he finally had a plan. Checking one last time only to see if any of the Delightful's had noticed him, he jumped down and ran towards their house.
After awhile, they got bored with ball, and stepped out of the water. "Come, follow me," they commanded, and the KND did so (to the best of their abilities, in Hoagie's case). "It's getting late. Father always warned us to never stay out too late. In any case, we've got big plans for the lot of you..."
And they walked, graceful and somehow sinister as only these kids can, followed by the occasionally bumbling zombies who were once KND operatives with personalities (notice a theme here?). Finally they reached the front door of their not-so-humble abode, and walked in... only to gasp in perfectly synched shock.
"Well well, I wondered when you goody-goodies would finally come in. I've been waiting here practically all afternoon!" Nigel falsely complained. Next to him was a fallen and open refridgerator... and below the refridgerator were the non-moving limbs of a shadowy figure. The refridgerator was still plugged in (thus giving off cold air).
"Father!" The Delightfuls cried in unison. Their father had traits similar to some fire-inclined elemental. He could manipulate fire and burst flames from his body that would make The Human Torch look like a microwave, but he had a severe weakness to coldness, which the Kids Next Door found out on the same day they met the chap in the first place. "You didn't," they continued, "you couldn't have...!"
"Oh hodgepodge. I could've easily done away with him if I wanted to. I've got a simple proposition for you. Tell me how to cure that mind control juice of yours, and I will gladly let your father out from under that refridgerator. Otherwise, prepare to have the biggest popsicle in the world."
At this, the Delightfuls hardened their resolve. "Pish-posh. It's not like we can't lift a refridgerator." At this point, they proceeded to move towards it to do so. Nigel just let them, and proceeded to jump out of the sofa while they were otherwise occupied. As they were lifting the fridge, they suddenly felt the heavy metal be replaced by something soft and squishy that barely weighed anything at all. After spitting out some that accidentally got in their mouths, they asked "What was that?"
Nigel turned to them after setting the air conditioner to zero, and said "That, children, is the new secret weapon of the Kids Next Door." He aimed, "Now either you cough up the antidote or share the fate of that refridgerator!" he hoped they'd buy his bluff.
The Delightful Children looked at each other and shook their heads. "We won't give in."
"There's only three options. One, you give me the antidote. Two, you try to escape and I turn you into shaving cream. Finally, we can all stand here and die of hypothermia."
"At least then we'll take the Kids Next Door down with us."
"All right, then I have only one other choice." Quickly he whipped out the rope, and lassoed one of the Delightful's, the blonde one. Before the others could catch her, he had yanked her over to his vicinity, and then said "the minute anyone moves, the lot of you becomes cream, understood?" With that, he began backing away. "Now, we're going to play a little game," he said as he was double-double securing the rope, "every time I say 'Marco' you must respond with 'Polo' is that clear?"
"Yes." The five said at once.
He put ten feet between them. "Marco!"
"Polo!"
Fifteen feet. "Marco!"
"Polo!"
Eighteen feet. "Marco!"
"Polo!"
His feet were to the stairs. He was halfway up them. The blonde girl began to get fidgety. "Marco!"
"Polo!"
Top of the stairs. The blonde girl was sweating. Nigel smiled. "Marco!"
"Polo!" talking at their normal voices, they almost couldn't be heard.
"I didn't hear you, say it louder!"
"POLO!"
"Much better!"
He moved down an upstairs hallway. "MARCO!"
"POLO!" They were becoming hard to hear again. The blonde girl was really getting uptight.
At the end of an upstairs hallway. "MARCO!"
"POLO!" They sounded like a whisper now.
"Please, no" she pleaded, "Anything but this."
A bend in the hall, he passed a door, and asked "What's in there?"
"M-m-my father's study."
He entered, dragging her in. After shutting the door, he yelled "MARCO!" one last time.
There was no Polo.
"UWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" The blonde girl cried. "Please, no, not this, anything but this! Let me go, LET ME GO!!!"
"Just as I thought. As usual, a bit of mental anguish always pays off. Remind me to write this on a school report, 'The Effects of Cutting Off a Sheep From the Flock'."
"I can't stand this... I'm... losing my mind..."
"I bet. You're probably not even synchronized anymore. I bet someone like you must feel terrible."
"Everything's... weird... all logical thought is becoming null and void."
"Yes, but you know, if you would just tell me where the antidote is..."
"No... I can't... father would..."
"Look here. If I wanted to, I could drag you all the way to Minnesota, and then you'll never be in perfect synch with your brothers and sisters again, ever, and your entire family unity will be ruined. Who knows, it might actually do you some good." He felt the air in the room start to warm up. "Guess they fixed the temperature."
"Father will save me. And he'll fix me if I'm damaged."
"Ha. By the time your father gets here, anything I've done will be irreversible." He leaned on the office desk present in this room, "Who knows. They'll probably think your sanity has been shot and put you in a mental ward."
"Why are you doing this?" She whined, her eyes gone wide.
"WHAT?!" This was the last thing he had expected to hear. "I could very well ask you the same thing. Why do you stick up for grownups? Why are you such bullying chumps? Why do you attack us in our own base on a rather consistent basis? What did we ever do to you (that you didn't deserve)? My reasons are very clear. I've got four of them and for some reason they're in your house, obeying your orders, even though they hate your guts... except Numbuh Three, I don't think she's capable of hating anyone."
The blonde girl was starting to sound a little hysterical now. "Yes... Kuki is rather cute, isn't she? Are you and her... you know... a couple?"
Nigel actually wasn't shocked at this one, mostly because his mind was occupied with coming up with ways of getting this girl to fess up the antidote a bit quicker. His mouth kept talking, saying "Hah. I've got someone else."
"Abby?"
"Numbuh Five? No. It's someone you wouldn't know. A girl named Lizzie." Suddenly Nigel's brain decided to do a bit of multitasking and pointed out the obvious to him. "Wait, why am I telling you this?"
"It's too late... I've lost my mind. I'm carrying on conversations with my enemy. I've lost it. Curse you, Nigel... Father will be so disappointed."
Nigel, however, had another idea. "Are you afraid of your father?"
"Yes, very."
"Have you ever thought of... escaping?"
"It's impossible. There' no way. And why would I want to, I have a nice, happy family..."
"You don't have a family! You have a sister and three brothers who are nothing but mindless drones who can't even think unless the rest of the collective is thinking the same thing! Never mind... the point is..."
Before he could finish the thought, he saw the doorknob turning. Pulling the girl into a corner, he pushed the desk to the door. "...Never mind! Tell me the antidote!"
"ALL RIGHT! I WILL! But on one condition."
"Name it."
"Kill me! If you don't, my father will."
"Sorry, but with my equipment I couldn't do that and still have enough time to make my escape. Why would you want me to do a thing like that anyway?"
"Because... if father finds out I'm a traitor..." A tear fell from her eye.
Nigel became somewhat sympathetic, and said "How about I knock you out instead? I could do that quite easily, it would have the same results. Heck, you might forget this entire ordeal ever occured."
"Right, okay. The antidote is..."
He listened silently.
"...lip-to-lip contact between a male and female."
"Wait... you mean kissing?"
"Yes. It has to be between male and female though, otherwise it won't work."
"So all I have to do is kiss Numbuh Three and Five and have them kiss Two and Four..."
"Yea, basically. I think Lizzie will understand, don't you?"
He only glanced back in answer before concentrating on the door. "What are the walls of this place made of?"
"Mostly wood. Why?"
"That's my secret." He said just before karate chopping her in the neck. She passed out soundlessly. "Now... wood is organic... But I think that desk can hold for ten minutes." With that, he put his back to the desk, holding it against the door, and shot at the wall he was now facing. A lead statue that was in the way got shaving creamed, as did a collection of plates, but it mattered not to Nigel Uno. After all, they were someone else's statues and plates. After ten minutes, he had exactly what he was hoping for--an exit. He bolted for it (popping a new battery in, and holding on to the spent one for something else), jumping through the cream that used to be a wall and right onto a bed, which he bounced off of landing right in front of a door which he opened and quickly ran through.
Funny thing is, while someone had been beating at his friend's father's chamber door, the rest of the Delightfuls had, in fact, not moved, and he came out at a room near the top of the stairway. He was spotted as he ran towards the stairs, and just as he got on the banister (looking down a hallway to see who was right behind him) he heard the four shout "He's here!"
He leaped off the banister and pulled out the horse-head-on-a-stick thing. Landing in the midst of the remaining Delightful Children, he quickly knocked out the short, fat girl with a knockout jab to the neck, thrust it foreward into the chin of the boy with the long thin head, again used the pointy end (as in the one without the horse head) and jabbed it up the one kid's helmet, and finally swung at the rather plain boy, knocking him out cold. Beating a bunch of Delightfuls had never been this easy.
From the stairs he heard a ruckus, and none too soon, for his own operatives were now coming at him. Hoagie was the closest, with Abigail close behind, and Nigel already had his plan worked out. Standing over the fallen form of the short, fat girl, Nigel called "Have at me, Numbuh Two!" This worked, and Hoagie charged at him like a raging bull, but just in time, Nigel managed to pick up the girl's face to the needed height, and the two, by calculation, connected lips.
Hoagie's eyes lost the swirl, his senses returned. When he was finally able to grasp the situation, he backed off, and coughed, and fell to the floor as if he was getting sick. "Ewww, yuck!" He stated, "You made me kiss a Delightful kid! What is the matter with you, Nigel?!"
"I'm sorry, but it was the only way to free you from their mind- control--I'll explain later. Right now, I need you to kiss Numbuh Five."
"What?!?!" He was no longer feeling sick. "No way! You're the one that likes her, you kiss her!"
"What do you mean by--oh, never mind. At the same time then!"
"Yea, whatever. Let's just get this overwith."
"All right... one, two, three, go!"
And... both connected at the same time. Numbuh Five's senses returned, and when she was aware of the situation, she pushed them both back, made a defensive stance, and said "You have five seconds to explain yo'selves!"
"Mindcontrolpotion.Kissingcuresit.Mustbemaletofemale!" Nigel explained in less than five seconds.
She lost her defensive stance, assuming more of a stern look and tapping her foot. "You serious?"
"Want proof? There's Numbuh Four, see for yourself."
Abigail shook her head in dismay, but said "Fine, fine, but if any of you get weird on me again..." she let her sentence die as she grabbed an approaching Numbuh Four and layed a smack to him. His senses returned, his orientation followed a second or so afterward. "Aww man... did Numbuh Five just kiss me? Man, I 'ate kissin!"
"If these jokers are fo' real, then ya'll ain't got no choice, luvah boy." Abigail informed him. "Now, someone jus' need to kiss Numbuh Three and we'll be home free."
"It's not gonna be me!" Numbuh Four stated.
"When I'm done," said a voice, "You four won't have enough life in you to kiss the dirt!"
They looked up, and who should they see but the Delightful Father of the Delightful Children! Behind him, Numbuh One heard the bars and security doors close tight... not that he felt it mattered.
"Kids Next Door... Battle stations!"
"But we haven't freed Numbuh Three yet!" Hoagie protested.
"That can wait 'til we get home yo," Five pointed out. "Right now it's time to clear the perimeter."
"Numbuh Two," said Nigel, "What does your expert opinion on aerodynamics tell you about this battery?" He handed him the spent battery.
"Ummm.... I dunno, what are you looking for Numbuh One?"
"If he were just a bit closer, could you throw it and hit his forehead? Near the top, so he looks up."
Being "just a bit closer" would not be a hard task for long, with how fast he was coming.
"At this distance, yea. You want me to?"
"Yes, now!" Nigel aimed.
The battery flew, a thunk was heard, a man looked up and saw a Rayovac Alkaline, but just before he could ask what was going on, a beam of light whizzed past, and in place of the battery was now a glop of shaving cream, which fell and burned his eyes.
"Whoa! That was cool Numbuh One! Hey, what was that anyway?"
"That, Numbuh Two, was your supposed 'failure' in action."
"My Shaving Cream Ray? Cool!"
"Shaving Cream Ray?!" Numbuh Five asked, disbelieving.
The villain with the burned eyes (and everything else for that matter) stumbled down the stairs, and Numbuh One debated something within himself. Finally he said "Well, I did want to see if he had one of those huge storage freezers, so I could lock him in it, but it's hard to think about that while she is trying to kill me." Behind him, Kuki was repeatedly pounding on his back. "Someone hold onto her." With that, he turned, and blasted the metal security door. Being non- organic, it became creamilicious in seconds. The wooden door beyond that wasn't a problem, since it was unlocked, they simply opened it and walked on out.
"You know... she's kinda cute when she's trying to kill us," said Numbuh Four, who was trying his darndest to keep the still zombified Numbuh Three from pounding ever so viciously on Numbuh One. "Did we ever decide who was gonna lay the smacker on her?"
"I was thinking we'd all three do it at the same time just to avoid that very question."
"But..."
"At least you won't be alone."
Numbuh Four shrugged with resignation. "Oh all right..."
Abigail held Kuki still, and did the countdown. At the count of one, smooch. Kuki regained her senses, blinked her eyes, and her mind took a moment to register the situation. When it did, she shivered and a shy, somewhat frightened look appeared on her face (part of which she covered with those sleeves), followed by her hiding behind Numbuh Five. "What are they doing?" She asked silently.
Numbuh Five, however, answered by getting behind her and pushing her foreward, saying "You the girl of the moment, baby! Now les' see that again."
"Numbuh Five!" They all exclaimed. All was silent, as Kuki fidgetted nervously. She looked at the boys, and said "Ummm... uhhhh.... ummmm.... that is.... uhhhh..... I'll be in my room!" She resolved. "Numbuh Five, let go!" Numbuh Five did, and Kuki, looking at the guys one last time (almost smiling from embarrassment) dashed off without another word.
"Awwwwww. Told ya'll her reaction would be a classic," commented Numbuh Five, watching a tape labeled "Kuki's first (and second, and third) kiss" which contained the moments from when Numbuh Four said "She's cute when she's trying to kill us" to where Kuki dashed off in embarrassment. It was late at night now, and Kuki had since rejoined them, though she was still nervous, hugging herself.
"I still can't believe ya taped this." Numbuh Four said. "Girls are so strange."
"So, Nigel... how many batteries did you use?"
"Just two for that mission."
"Only two? Wow... I've got to think of another name then. I was going to call it C.R.E.A.M., for 'Crazy Raygun Eats Alkaline Meals' but if you used only two batteries..."
"Actually, I think that name still fits. Yes, we'll call it the C.R.E.A.M." Silence, then he asked "Are you all right Numbuh Three?"
"Yea... we're sorry. We really kind of scared you. And thanks to Abigail, I thought you were gonna have a nervous breakdown."
No answer.
"Numbuh Three?"
"Aww, would ya look at that," Wallabee pointed out, "She went to sleep."
"A lead I think we should follow." Nigel pointed out. "We've still got children to rescue, and tomorrow is going to be a very busy day." Mutually it was agreed. Intending not to wake her up, they left Kuki where she was, though were nice enough to get a blanket and pillow for her. Afterwards, they filtered out of the room.
The next day was, in fact, very busy... but that's for another story.
Thanks for reading. Be sure also to check out my KND Web site which is full of detailed character summaries and even more fanfics by me, and is soon to feature detailed episode reviews and fan-art. The link is in my FF.net info page, found by clicking my name.
Afterword
Well, it's been months since I wrote a fanfic. Some will remember that I used to write some for Chip 'n Dale Rescue Rangers, but stopped. This was because, frankly, I not only got bored of it, but no one, not even me, was appreciating my work. One person pretty much told me it was "too different," but I myself arrived at a different conclusion--it all just, quite frankly, sucked. I had ideas for new fanfics, but the Rangers were starting to bore me at that time, so all drops got planned... I mean, all plans got dropped.
Frankly though, now that I think about it, my initial lack of popularity is not so bad... I mean, no one liked Evil Dead at first, either. Good authors usually take years to be recognised, while people who jump to instant popularity are usually forgotten the minute the next big hit comes around. And if my stuff really does suck, then... hey, I'm right for once!
But anyway... Kids Next Door was a fresh of breath air to me. The show was basically everything I (and some other authors) had tried to accomplish with Rescue Rangers. Sorry to plug some of my own works here, but it was like a strange mix of Mind Media, Channels of Time, and my worst childhood memories all rolled into one, and I really enjoy that.