Disclaimer – I don't own them, their creators do
Summary – Rodney knows that it isn't this man he wants but it's John's taste in his mouth and John's moans in his ears and this might be the only chance he ever gets at this
Rating – PG
Last Chances
The first time Sheppard leans in, oh-so-awkwardly, and kisses him Rodney thinks about pulling away. Because he shouldn't be doing this, he only met him an hour ago. This isn't the man he wants and it obviously isn't him that Sheppard wants but it's John's taste in his mouth and John's moans in his ears and this might be the only chance he ever gets.
Sheppard apologises after, murmuring softly as Rodney rubs his shoulders. Whispering how he shouldn't have done it.
"I'm sorry, I just miss him so much-" Sheppard's voice cracks as Rodney strokes nimble fingers over his scalp and through his hair.
"He used to do this for you," Rodney says quietly. It isn't a question but Sheppard nods anyway.
But it has to end and it had to end quickly. They've got a limited period of time before Sheppard starts to suffer from Entropic Cascade failure, after all.
Rodney looks between the two of them, sitting next to each other awkwardly looking completely identical and totally different at the same time.
John looks uneasy but Sheppard looks about an inch from death. His face is drawn and he obviously hasn't slept. He looks as though his world was torn apart but under everything is the unmistakable regret and Rodney realises.
He confronts him about it later but maybe he's more of a coward than he thought because he waits until Sheppard's set to leave and they're standing alone near the Quantum Mirror. "You weren't together, were you?"
Sheppard smiles tiredly and doesn't even try to argue. "I should have known better than to lie to a genius."
Rodney shakes his head. "You never slept together." Sheppard bows his head. "He never stroked your hair." Sheppard freezes and then smiles bitterly.
"No. But I used to imagine that he would."
Rodney sees the obvious love on his face and can't understand it. "Why didn't you go for it?"
Sheppard's expression is that of a broken man and when he laughs it's with a kind of cold hysteria. "Because I told myself it would hurt too much if something happened to him. A leader isn't supposed to get emotionally involved with his men. Too bad I was already emotionally involved. I came to give you military information yes but also to tell you to tell him. Please, tell him.
"All I was going to do was say it, the rest… I couldn't help myself. I'm sorry Rodney." There's a look of pleading on his face and Rodney knows what it means without even asking, reading Sheppard clearly for the first time.
Sheppard apparently can read him too though because he replies with a look of pure gratitude and whispers something he's obviously wanted to say for longer than forever. "I love you."
Rodney smiles and tries to put everything he feels for John in the expression. "I love you too."
Sheppard's expression is bittersweet but it has relaxed slightly, it doesn't last long. Both of their heads shoot up as John and a marine guard enter the room. John's eyes dart between the two of them and he feels the insane sensation that he's done something wrong.
But there's something else he needs to know, even as Sheppard turns to walk through the mirror.
"Why me?"
Sheppard turns, eyes shining with a dark light, the words echoing back through the mirror even as he walks through it. "Because I trust you and you were always braver than me Rodney… even if I didn't tell you… even if I never told you."