Leaving the Past, Onto a Future
Disclaimers: "Sons of Anarchy" the show as well as all the creators within belong to the insane/genius man Kurt Sutter and the actors and writers that portray and create them.
Special thanks: First to Ellechillin, whose story "To Lose My Life or Lose My Love" inspired me to also try my hand at the younger Jax and Tara we all would love to have seen. Also to the ladies at the Jax/Tara thread at FanForum for all of their help in figuring out time lines and making sense of proper motorcycle club terms.
Prologue
As her hands were handcuffed behind her back once again, Tara sighed. She glanced towards the crowd of onlookers, her eyes immediately meeting the blue stare of her boyfriend, Jax. Jax shot her a cocky, proud smirk and nodded. Tara's gaze continued down and fell on the cut that he wore with pride. She looked away from him without responding, her eyes darkening, before her gaze fell on the crow-eater that sat on the curb at the edge of the crowd holding a towel to her cut lip. Even in her present state, Tara couldn't help the small smile that spread across her face as the crow eater looked up and saw her. The other woman quickly scrambled to her feet, getting the hell out of there as if Tara was in a position to inflict more damage. Tara's smile fell, her face closing off as she watched the other woman hurry away.
Tara sat down on the curb just vacated by the crow-eater and looked up as the loud sigh in front of her caught her attention. Chief Unser stared at the young woman with a resigned air.
"Fighting again Tara?" He asked in a sober voice.
"Bitch needed to be reminded of her place." Tara replied, loud enough for the guys to hear. Clay, Otto, Tig, and Opie laughed, Bobby carried a reserved air and Jax watched his girlfriend with pride. He loved when she showed her true colors, showed how much of an old lady she was. Her shirt rode up her back as she sat on the curb, the crow that rode along her lower back, exposed. Jax grinned to see his mark, visible proof of her connection to him, out there for anyone to see. His grin fell, his eyes showing his concern, as he continued to watch Tara, finally noting the slump in her shoulders, the dark look in her eyes.
Unser shot a look at the men, obviously telling them to stay out of it, then turned back to Tara.
"Can't keep meeting this way honey." He said quietly, leaning down to help Tara to her feet. "One day it isn't going to be some crow-eater who knows to keep her mouth shut, that you're up against."
Tara remained silent as Unser's words sunk in. She knew he was right. In high school, Jax and the club held such sway that anytime she got into it with one of the girls, no charges were ever brought up because everyone and their families feared the Sons. Now a year beyond high school, the crow-eaters were the enemy, and they knew better than to say anything against a member of the club or their old ladies, at least as long as they wanted to continue to pretend they had a place in the club's circle. Tara thought back to how many times she had been in this position over the years. Hands cuffed behind her back, the bright lights of a police cruiser growing brighter as she was brought closer. She knew things had escalated over the last year or so, it felt like she'd been spending more time in jail than out of it. She could count at least three arrests that were put on her record, public drunkenness or disorderly conduct, always with Jax at her side, but she had lost count of how many times she had been cuffed and brought in for fighting. Since charges were never filed, and the fights happened so frequently, she didn't even bother trying to keep track.
Unser led Tara over to his squad car and gently helped her inside. He had Tara lean forward so he could move the cuffs from behind her back to the front. Tara gave him a small smile in thanks and saw the look of sympathy that crossed Unser's face. She knew what he was thinking, he didn't have to say a word; his thoughts were clearly written on his face, that he thought she was better than this. Tara sat alone in the back, her head resting against the top of the seat, her eyes closed, grateful for the quiet. As the car rolled forward, Tara opened her eyes and caught sight of Gemma walking over to her car, purse thrown over her shoulder, keys in hand and Jax climbing onto his bike, with Opie right behind. The motorcycles' engines roar were a constant companion as Unser drove slowly through the streets of Charming.
As Unser pulled up outside of Charming PD, Tara leaned forward in her seat to talk quietly to Unser.
"Don't let him in." She said softly, before leaning back. Unser's eyes shot to the rearview mirror in question and saw the resolve that crossed Tara's face. He nodded without a word and pulled the car to a stop. He ignored the two bikes and car that pulled in behind him as he shut the engine down
Unser held the door open for Tara, reaching out to steady her as she got out of the car. Tara didn't look back as Unser led her inside the station. Unser bypassed the registration desk and led Tara straight back to the cage. There was no need to waste time, booking her; nothing would go into a report anyway.
Tara remained silent as Unser removed her cuffs and then sat down heavily on the cot. She kept her hands clenched in front of her, head down, her mind miles away.
Unser watched the young woman for a moment, before returning to the front of the station.
Jax and Opie leaned against the main desk, Gemma waiting impatiently behind them. When Jax saw Unser he shot a cocky grin and moved towards the back. Unser held out a hand, stopping the younger man.
"Not tonight Jax." He said sternly, his gaze meeting Jax's. Jax continued to stare at him, not sure what to make of the change to the routine. Whenever he or Tara were brought in separately, the other would head back to keep them company in the cage while Clay or Gemma filled out the paperwork and shit.
Jax turned his questioning gaze to Gemma, who shrugged, then to Opie who looked back towards him with the same confused expression. Jax backed away from Unser, his gaze turning and staying on the doorway that led to the back, to Tara.
"Well let's get this over with." Gemma said briskly, her gaze darting to her son before pulling her wallet out of the bag and picking up the sheets of paper one of the deputies smartly already had ready and waiting.
Opie moved to stand next to Jax whose gaze hadn't left the doorway while Gemma moved quickly through the release papers, having been through this often enough that she practically had them memorized.
"She's probably just pissed about getting brought in again." Opie said quietly. "I wouldn't worry about it brother." He continued noting the concerned look on Jax's face.
Jax tried to hold on to Opie's words, tried to believe that something as simple as annoyance of being taken away from the party over some crow-eater would make Tara want to take it out on him and keep him from seeing her. But he couldn't shake the feeling of unease that settled over him when Tara was cuffed and led to the cruiser without barley a glance towards him. Usually she'd toss him a sarcastic grin or blow a kiss as one of them were led away. The shadow that had crossed over her face was new, and it worried him.
Gemma finished up the paperwork behind them and turned to speak with Unser in low tones. As the deputy moved towards the back of the station, disappearing into the cage, Jax's eyes didn't leave the doorway, waiting for his first glimpse of Tara.
The deputy preceded Tara out of the back, who followed slowly; she was subdued, her gaze down at her feet. Tara felt Jax's concerned gaze on her, but couldn't bring herself to look up and meet the blue eyes that she knew so well, the eyes that would be full of questions.
Jax moved to stand in front of Tara, stopping her from moving forward. When she still refused to meet his gaze, he reached out with a finger to tip her chin up so her eyes could meet his.
"Babe?" He asked in a low voice, so quiet only Tara could hear him. "What is it?" He continued.
"Nothing." Tara said, her gaze already dropping. "Just tired." She leaned up to kiss Jax on the cheek, and ducked away before he could turn and deepen the kiss.
Jax watched as she walked passed Opie without a word and stopped before Gemma and Unser.
"Can I catch a ride with you?" Tara asked Gemma.
"Sure baby." Gemma replied, the question obvious in her tone. She looked back towards Jax, hesitating a moment before following Tara towards the car.
Tara waited impatiently by the passenger side door while Gemma unlocked the car and climbed silently inside.
"Where we going baby?" Gemma asked.
"Home." Tara replied, pulling the seatbelt around her and clicking it into place. "To dad's." She clarified.
Gemma kept her silence, an action that was unusual in itself, but given the unusual course the night had taken she knew she wouldn't get a straight answer out of the young woman.
Jax tried not to let Tara's decision to catch a ride with his mother to get to him. He waved Opie off as he watched the car turn out of the lot. Instead of turning and heading back to the clubhouse like they normally would, Gemma's car headed in the opposite direction. Jax frowned as he put the bike in motion and followed behind the car. He didn't stray too close, still unsure of what to make of the nights events.
He parked the bike in the street in front of Tara's dad's house and watched Tara climb out of the car. He stood next to the bike, his gaze catching his mother's look as she drove past. Jax followed Tara to the front porch as she fumbled with the keys in her pocket. Jax reached over to steady her hands.
"Let me." He said quietly, before reaching in and extracting the tangled keys. He quickly selected the house key and silently inserted it into the lock. As the door swung open, Tara stepped through the doorway, turned and stopped, preventing Jax from following her in.
"What's going on with you?" Jax asked, his voice a mixture of hurt, confusion, and a bit of anger.
"Nothing." Tara replied quietly. "I'm off tonight, just tired I guess. I just want to be alone."
Jax's eyes searched her face for any sign of the thoughts that he knew were churning inside her head.
"Okay." He replied slowly, surprising Tara that he didn't have more to say. Jax studied her face for a moment, surprised by what he saw there. Instead of the usual triumph that would gleam in her eyes after winning a fight, he saw defeat and it scared him. Jax stepped closer, so only inches separated him from Tara. He leaned forward, cupping her face, pulling them closer so her lips met his. He kept the kiss light, his tongue tangling slowly with hers. He kept his hands cupped around her face, keeping them from straying. That restraint, in of itself was a huge sign of his discomfort with Tara's mood. Usually when the two of them were alone, they ended up naked with him inside her within minutes.
Jax felt Tara respond to his kiss, her tongue meeting his lightly, but without any of the fire that would normally consume them both. They slowly pulled apart, eyes meeting, dozens of words and questions remaining unspoken.
"I'll see you in the morning." Jax stated, but the question was evident in his tone.
"Yea." Tara replied quietly, before stepping inside the house and shutting the door behind her. Jax flinched at the click of the lock being slid into place. He leaned against the door, listening as Tara moved to the back of the house. He decided against sneaking around back and climbing through her window. Whatever mood she was in, it wasn't one he was familiar with; it shocked him to realize that even after years together and sharing so much there were still parts of Tara hidden from him. Jax leaned against the door until he couldn't hear her footsteps any longer, before moving down the driveway. As was his habit, his gaze moved across the empty driveway, making note of the fact that her father's Cutlass wasn't in its spot, before returning to the street.
Tara heard the roar of the motorcycle's engine as she leaned forward against the sink in the hall bathroom. She flicked on the light and flinched at the sudden brightness that filled the small room. Tara looked up and cringed at the sight of herself in the mirror. Her face was covered in scratches from the crow-eaters nails as she tried to fight the younger woman off of her. The scratches continued down Tara's neck and arms. Between the adrenaline wearing off and seeing the damage left behind, Tara finally became aware of the throbbing sensation emanating from the scratches and bruising. Tara noted the cut in the left hand corner of her lower lip, and the bruise that was just beginning to form across her cheekbone.
She turned on the water and splashed her face, hiss at the sting as the water moved across the cuts. She patted her face dry with a nearby towel, and brought her eyes up to the mirror. For the first time in a long time, she had trouble meeting her own gaze, didn't like the person she saw standing before her.
Tara threw the towel down onto the edge of the sink and flipped the light off before making her way down the hall to her bedroom. She moved easily through the dark house, having years of practice moving silently through the shadows in her father's house, her steps were steady and sure as she continued towards the small desk in her bedroom. She rummaged among the papers that littered the top, the moonlight streaming through her window giving her just enough light to see by. She stopped and stared when she finally came across what she was looking for, a plain white envelope. Tara picked up the envelope and moved back out of her bedroom. She continued down the hall to the kitchen, flipped on the light and sat down at the table. She took a deep breath, her hands trembling slightly as she pulled out the letter.
It had arrived a few days before. At the time Tara just brushed it off, deciding she didn't need anyone butting in her business. Let alone her drunk of a father and some cousin she barely knew. Now, as her eyes moved along the page rereading each line, she saw the fear in each sentence. The worry of what her life would become if she continued on this path. She reread her cousin's words as she explained the phone call she received from Tara's father. How in one of his few sober moments, he called the only family he had left, looking for someway to help his only daughter. Tara was surprised to hear about her father's concern. Surprised that he had even noticed what had been going on. His moments of being sober had become fewer and farther between over the years since her mother's death. Now reading the words, Tara saw not a stranger trying to butt in where they weren't wanted, but one of her few remaining family members, concerned about her, about her life, her future. Tara reread the sentences inviting her to move in with their family, mentioning the room they would have made up for her, how she could decorate it anyway she wanted. She read over the promises for a different future, the application to the University of California with its strong biology program.
Tara sat back in her chair, her mind moving a mile a minute. She remembered her science classes in school, classes she always enjoyed and did well in. She was surprised her father cared enough to notice, let alone mention her class preference when he spoke to his cousin. Tara tried to imagine what leaving Charming would feel like, what it would do to her. She'd never left the small town she grew up in. Had little idea of the world outside of it. The idea of leaving, on her own, to live with family members she barely knew was daunting. On the other hand, she looked down at her arms, where the scratches from the crow-eater's fake nails dug into her skin. She understood the chief's words. If she continued on the path she was on, she would end up in jail or worse. Her father's cousin was offering a solution, a better one; one that included an education and a future, one that she would never have imagined for herself.
Tara shook her head at her last thought. She had once imagined a different future for herself. One that included becoming a doctor, marrying a good man and having children who were loved. But that all changed when Jax became a part of her life, hell if she was honest with herself he practically became her whole life. Instead of focusing on school and her studies, she lost herself in him. And Tara couldn't blame Jax. She knew that more than once he'd gotten into trouble with the club while prospecting because he was as wrapped up in her as she was in him.
Tara's memories of Jax suddenly turned her heart cold as the reality of leaving sunk in. If she agreed to her cousin's offer, left home and moved in with her family, she wouldn't just be leaving the town and her father, she'd be leaving Jax. Tara knew without question that Jax wouldn't, couldn't leave Charming, even if he wanted to. Too much of his past, present, and future was tied to the town and its motorcycle club. She knew there was no way Clay or Gemma would let Jax leave. Tara wouldn't even consider asking Jax for a long-distance relationship. She had enough trust issues regarding him and other girls already; she couldn't imagine what would happen if the crow-eaters knew she wasn't around. She'd never be able to handle it if Jax cheated and she knew that eventually Jax would give in to baser instincts. She knew he wouldn't think of it as cheating, he would say it was just sex and didn't mean anything, but to her, it would mean everything. She would never be able to focus if she was constantly worried about what he was doing or who he was with.
Tara's thoughts came to a halt as she heard the motorcycle moving towards her street. Her eyes shot to the window and noted the lightening sky. She heard the engine cut off down the street and couldn't help the small smile that crossed her face. It was his way of trying to protect her. Years before she'd told him not to worry about coming down the street, her father would never notice the noise, but Jax still parked the bike a few blocks over, not wanting to tempt fate.
Tara snatched up the letter and carefully folded it before putting it into her pocket. She moved quickly through the house, stripping down to her bra and underwear, placing her jeans and shirt carefully on her desk chair before crawling into bed. Only moments passed before the light scrape of the window sliding open and the soft thud of sneakers landing on her floor announced Jax's arrival.
Author's Note: I'll try not to leave these every chapter (I'm a big fan of the notes) and will instead try to respond to reviews as I always love to discuss the story, the show it's about or just give insight to what I was trying to accomplish and hints to future chapters. As I'm sure is common with anyone willing to publish their story for others to read, I love to get reviews and feedback from readers, it keeps me going and helps inspire me to continue on. So thank you everyone who's followed me all the way down here to this note and I hope you've enjoyed this taste of the story to come.