Don once told me that if you burn yourself badly enough, it doesn't hurt because it destroys the nerves, rendering the burnt area numb. Basically, if it hurts badly enough, it won't hurt anymore. I guess that's why I'm numb now.
Even with a gaping hole in my chest, I feel nothing. Even with my life-giving blood pulsing out of my body with every heartbeat and pouring down my plastron, coating the rooftop on which I sit, I feel nothing. But this is not what concerns me. I care not for my physical well-being.
I let them down. I failed my family. I had only one purpose in life, and it was to protect my brothers and sensei from harm. I could not even fulfill my one simple task.
Raphael went first. After I was stabbed shielding him from the Shredder's blow, he went after our enemy. Saki killed him, right before my eyes. In that moment, I wished my wound had been instantly fatal. In saving Raphael, I had caused his death.
Master Splinter was next. Because of my weakness, because I could no longer fight, he was forced to protect my two remaining brothers from the Foot. He was too old; he didn't stand a chance against the Foot Elite. But he took them on anyway. Because I was too weak. He never stood a chance….
Michelangelo was reeling from Raphael's and Master Splinter's deaths and did not see the fatal blow that all but severed his head from his shoulders. His face will never again hold the innocent grin that was Mikey….
Finally, Donatello fell. He looked into my eyes as the last of his life spilled onto the gravel of the roof; his gaze never wavering from my face, eyes conveying his message of forgiveness. And that hurt worse than any glare of pure hatred, or anger, or bitterness…. I let him down, and he forgave me anyway.
When the life faded out of Donny's eyes, all feeling left me. His death was the added heat that seared through my already burning nerves and made them numb. I know I should be in pain—I should be suffering for what I did to my family—but I feel nothing. I was hurt badly enough that I no longer hurt. Funny how Don never meant it this way….
It is a blessing and a curse. I do not feel the wounds that the Shredder inflicted on me in destroying my family, but I still know that they are there. I can see my brothers' bodies and my father's body, strewn across the battle scene before me. I can see their sightless eyes, their still chests, and their spilled blood. I can see their deaths playing over and over before my eyes, and yet I do not fell the pain I should be feeling. It is not fair to them that I do not suffer….
I have paid the ultimate price for my weakness. I have lost my family—my world. I abandoned them in their time of need. And yet, mercifully, I know that I am dying as well. My blood flows down to mingle with that of my brothers and sensei, staining the roof further. My vision blurs, and I fall to the ground. Yet still I do not feel. I do not feel as I stop breathing. I do not feel as my heart stops in my chest. I do not feel as my blood rushes up my throat and pours out of my mouth and nose. I do not feel as I grasp Donatello's hand in my own, a final and futile effort to deserve his forgiveness.
And now I join them, to be forever numb.
TMNTTMNTTMNTTMNTTMNTTMNT
Um… yeah. I was in a really bad mood when I wrote this, so it's kind of depressing. I thought I'd go ahead and post it, though, and see what you guys think. Thanks for reading.