There Are No Old Action Heroes
Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.
The steady rhythm of the heartbeat on the monitor was the loudest sound in the room. The labored breathing and occasional cough of the patient was the next sound a visitor would hear, if in fact anyone had bothered to come by that day. But Jack Slater hadn't seen anyone that day, or for several days before and resigned himself to the fact. This is how it is going to end, he thought to himself. He didn't blame his daughter Whitney; she had gotten married and was on the east coast with her gun modeling career and could only come out every few weeks.
A cop on the Los Angeles police force, he had seen it happen before from the other side. A brother in blue would get badly injured and it seemed the whole force was there to support him and get the bad guy that had committed the deed. As time went on, the visitors diminished until at last there was just the occasional appearance of a family member, as much out of compassion as it was curiosity how much longer the injured was going to hang on to life. Jack remembered when Sam Quiroz was ambushed while checking out a warehouse burglary. For the first few days it was standing room only in the ICU, as a parade of well-wishers came by including Jack himself. Over the period of a month the parade dwindled until it was only Sam's beat partner, wife and children. Then it was just the wife and kids, and by the time Sam passed away he hadn't been visited for three days by anyone.
The day nurse came in and checked his vitals on the monitor, and listened to his lungs as he breathed. "How are we today Mr. Slater?" she asked, as they invariably did.
"Still here" Jack managed to get out weekly. His once muscular body was showing signs of neglect as age and his hospitalization were sapping it slowly. "Not quite time yet."
"Not time for a visitor yet? Who's coming to see you today?" the nurse asked out of ignorance, being new to the unit. She didn't understand that Jack wasn't talking about a visitor, but his time left. "No one today" he answered, not wanting to give an explanation that wouldn't be understood anyway. The nurse accepted his answer and moved on to her other patients in the ever revolving cycle in ICU.
Due to an odd set of circumstances involving a magic movie ticket and a fan who crossed over from the real world, Jack Slater knew that he was an action hero. The star of a series of seven movies, his whole life was the stuff of celluloid. As long as his movies made good money, he would continue to get into and survive one extraordinary case after another, defying incredible odds. But he also knew that at some point the movies would stop being made, and the residuals from the old movies would only keep him alive by momentum for so long before he finally reached the final end credits. He imagined he could already hear the music swelling before the first words started scrolling across the screen. He was worse than old; he was just so much red ink now.
That last case must have been the death knell for his character. It seemed that his normal puns were falling flat, the bad guy was absolutely unbelievable, and apart from his regular captain Jack didn't recognize anybody in the department anymore. There were even the same personnel with the same name but different faces; the original actors must have bailed before the movies bottomed out and the writers couldn't be bothered to introduce any new characters.
The nurse returned. "I thought you said you didn't have any visitors coming today!" she said. "You've got two people gowning up right now. They'll be here in a moment." She left and shortly after two people walked in, a man and a woman. Jack didn't recognize the woman at all, but the man looked familiar. He stared at the face and made a guess. "Danny? Is that you?"
Danny Madigan broke into a wide grin and came over to Jack's bedside. "I'm here Jack, it's been a few years, but I kept that magic Houdini ticket stub just in case." Danny was the fan who had joined Jack on his adventure with Benedict.
Jack smiled for the first time in quite a while. "You're not a kid anymore."
"No, while you've been keeping the bad guys down I've been growing up. That's my girlfriend Nicole."
Nicole stepped forward. "Hello Mr. Schwar…Slater. Danny told me about you and I've seen your…er…adventures."
"Nice to meet you Nicole, and you can call them films if you want. I know the truth. Take my advice, never marry a cop." Jack got a worried look on his face. "Don't tell me you're a cop now Danny, please don't tell me."
Danny shook his head. "Never in a million years; that one case with Benedict was enough for me. I'm actually a journalist now. Well, just starting really. I've only been with a Hollywood trade magazine a little over a month."
"That's good. Nice and safe. You have my blessing to marry" Jack told them both.
"He almost had a burning building fall on him on set while covering a fire scene in a movie" Nicole offered.
"Still safer than being a cop" Jack insisted. "Tell me straight Danny; the grosses finally went down too far on my movies, didn't they."
"They did Jack. Jack Slater VII didn't break even at the box office. Even though you got the bad guy, it put you in the hospital at the end of the movie."
"I know, I was there…remember?"
"Oh yeah, right. They've been trying to make VIII, but no studio wants to touch it. They don't want heroes, they want superheroes now."
"I wouldn't look good in a cape anyway" Jack observed. "But I'm really glad you came by Danny. It's nice to know that someone out there in the audience still cares. He's a good man Nicole, don't let him go without a fight."
"There's a fight alright, Jack, but one that you don't know about. There may be a Jack Slater reboot. I've been talking it up on some movie forums, and it seems as though a lot of the new outlets are looking for proven material. With so many internet companies looking for content, I've gotten a few interested in a new look at Jack Slater. I know a few writers, and we've been working on a proposal to push for the next season."
"Thanks Danny, that means an awful lot. But I'm getting too old for that shi…ft changing, stakeout and long chase routine. Better I should just go quietly in here."
"Don't say that Jack! I told you before, me and others out there need you." Danny was becoming more passionate as he spoke. "We need heroes to catch the bad guys, people to look up to as role models. We may not want to be cops that jump off of bridges or rappel into a tiger's exhibit, but we aspire to be courageous, resourceful, honest and justice-loving just like you."
Jack winced at the memory of the tiger stunt. "I don't know if I can do that anymore Danny."
"Leave that to me, Jack. Hang on for a couple of months. I'll write some fan fiction to keep you going, and before long you'll be back on the force again" Danny enthused.
"I don't know what fan fiction is, but you do what you need to do; I trust you Danny, like no one else before."
"Thanks Jack, I won't let you down."
…
Three months later Danny eagerly went online to a streaming service not named after the Nile or Mississippi rivers. He went to the Coming Soon category, and saw a trailer for a new series. He clicked on the watch button and sat back as his dream came true:
In a world of confusion and evil, he was America's greatest action hero keeping the streets of Los Angeles free of villainy. They thought they had taken him out for good, but now he's back…teaching a whole new generation of young and sexy cops how to do things 'Old School'. Now he's the Captain, with a new wife and family; mess with him and it will be your last big mistake. Arnold Schwarzenegger in the new series…Jack's Squad Room. Coming soon.
You missed having a family, Danny thought, so I gave you one; be careful or I'll write you in some grandchildren too. The trick is just caring about the character and watching out for them like you would a real person. And you are to me, Jack.
The End
A/N: This movie was actually a very good send-up of the whole action movie genre, and points out some of the craziness of that world without quite breaking the fourth wall. But in that world, at some point the actors become too old for the traditional role such that even audiences aren't willing to buy it any more. At this point characters only have so many options; I present one here.