Oh god ive done it, not that great, but it was still done and may the comedic gods forgive me for what Ive done. cheers to whoever gets this before hitting the end...And yes i was bored, and this writer's block is killing me. Hint: If you don't like monty python, you probably shouldn't read this.
Footsteps, and arduous breaths of a long hike echoed through the hallowed expanses of an alien cavern - discovered upon an alien world dubbed Pythonis II, by the local crew of an frigate named the Normandy SR-1. A planet whose location was only revealed through the retrieving of a strange probe that had drifted its way into their path, playing for them a garbled distress call that led them to coordinates several leagues outside of legally charted council space. Towering, and rigidly carved stone-like walls shimmered as reflected lights of varying colors emanated from the protective, luminescent hard suits that the living, and differing types of bodies seven armed explorers adorned. Slick and moistened curtains of an unidentified slime dominantly coated the claustrophobic narrowing confines, it's viscous-like texture oozing and pooling upon rigid stone floors and into various puddles carpeting the ground, with an echoing 'gloop' while steam seemed to seep through minute racks located at random intervals through the ongoing cave.
The head of the group proceeded cautiously, fingers delicately tracing the outlines each wall as one foot carefully treaded before the other, trying to maintain a sense of discretion and secrecy in case there were any unknown threats lurking within this labyrinth of underground tunnels. Suddenly something caught her amber gaze, instinctively causing her to lash out her left arm and spark to life her omni-tool and built in suit flashlight.
"Guys, Look! Over there!"
She exclaimed, eyes fixated and secrecy all but forgotten as she raced to subject of her interest - her crew-members barely managing to keep up without stumbling over themselves or each other.
"Ow! Hey! God dammit watch it, Wrex!"
Ashley hissed as she stumbled into Shepard's back, grasping her shoulders and barely managing to remain on her own two feet.
"You were in my way!"
He grunted as, he too, nearly slipped, regaining his balance at the last second by ramming his crimson armored shoulder into a nearby wall whilst his free hand grasped the shoulder of a nearby Quarian.
"Who isn't? Get off me, you brute!"
Tali grunted in dismay, trying to shrug the Krogan off while her own arms had wrapped around the hips of a certain Asari scientist.
"Tali'Zorah, could you please loosen your grip, I can barely maintain my footing."
She gasped, grasping tightly to whosoever nearby body would support her, in this case being both Shepard's arm and Garrus's plated armor upon his back.
"And whose hand is that on my posterior?", The Asari groaned in a languid tone of undesirable curiosity.
"Sorry!"
The Commander grinned impishly, instantly raising her hand's innocently over her head.
"But seriously, look at those carvings! They seem to react with our lights, anyone recognize 'em?"
"What does it say?"
Tali queried curiously, sliding her footing a little closer to the wall in hopes she could get a more examined look.
"That isn't a language I recognize..."
Garrus frowned, his plated forehead falling down into what looks like a studious frown.
"Professor T'soni! You're a scholar! Take a crack at this."
Shepard ordered, straightening her posture as she assisted the Asari in establishing her footing and placing her out front and center to get the best look at the alien texts.
"It's... it's... Commander, this is almost an exact likeness to an ancient Aramitheon dialect! This hasn't been seen in centuries!"
"Of course! Yosef of Aramithios! From the beacon! No wonder it looked so old, didn't that race pack up and disappear into dark space after their planet was conquered?"
The voice of the nearby ex C-Sec confirmed and questioned rhetorically.
"Of course!" a chiming of voices muttered and heads nodded throughout the group, as well as the booming tone of Wrex's, "Oh well obviously..." and Tali's almost mechanical warbled voice exclaiming, "Right! Of course!"
Shepard simply shrugged, nodding her head as if she understood everything completely before urging Liara to continue.
"Well, go on! What does it say?"
Liara nodded once to the order, narrowing her stunning blue eyed and analytical gaze upon the text whilst slowly deciphering the text within her head, her lips slowly following and her voice giving word to the translation.
"It reads ... 'Here may be found the last words of Yosef of Aramithios.'" She paused, instantly hearing the excited buzz of whispers erupt behind her and awaited for them to subside before continuing her focus on the words.
"The person who is valorous and pure of heart may find the hallowed orb in the..." Liara once again paused as her delicate brow furrowed, tilting her head curiously to the left as she dragged out the final word? from her throat, "Aaaarrrrrggghhh..."
"What's was that?"
Tali couldn't help but chuckle in disbelief.
"He, um, must have died while carving it."
Liara shrugged bowing her head, feeling heat travel to her cheeks as embarrassment flooded throughout her feminine body.
"Oh, come on! All this way to transcribe 'Aaaaarrrrrghhhh'?"
Ashley shouted in an agitated tone, equally set in disbelief as her Quarian crew-mate was.
"Well, That is what it translates to! And I am unsure as to its meaning, so do not ask!"
Shepard shook her head, shaking her head and scowling in frustration before speaking her mind, "But if he was dying, he wouldn't bother to carve 'Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh'. He'd just say it. It's a sound you make! Why would someone write that!"
"Well, It is down there carved in stone! I am just the one relaying the information!"
The scientist huffed defensively, turning around and folding her arms to face away from the Commander.
"Perhaps he was dictating?"
Garrus interrupted with his own thought.
"Oh Shut up. Is that all it says?"
Shepard growled in annoyance, flinging an arm towards Garrus to push him back behind Wrex who merely smirked in response to the action.
"That is all it says, just... 'Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh'."
She repeated, this time more determined.
"And if you do not like it, feel free to find another translator, I see there are many to choose from within our little gathering."
Shepard simply sighed, shaking her head as she approached the stone carved runes and symbols, mimicking the noise off her tongue with hushed undertones... 'Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh'.
"Do you think he meant the Caamaarguon?"
Tali pondered aloud, raising an eyebrow beneath her visor as she looked on, judging the commander's facial looks and low volume noises with uncertainty.
"Where's that?"
Ashley asked, frowning.
"Horse Head Nebulae, I think"
Tali shrugged softly.
"Isn't there a St. Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh's colony near the Bel'Ghass Theta Relay?"
The Gunnery Chief suddenly questioned.
Shepard slowly shook her head, still squinting at the text while rubbing her forefinger up and down the wall and wiping away some slime with a disgruntled growl etched upon her features, "No, that's Saint Ives, Chief - where did you learn to..."
A low rumble slowly thundered, resounding from somewhere deep within the caves behind them that was instantly accompanied heavy footsteps and the fast approaching sound of heavy breathing from something big...
All of which went unnoticed as the Normandy crew continued bickering and bantering over the meaning and definitions of Aaaaaaarrrgggghhh, that Liara couldn't stand it anymore. She turned to leave when...
"Yaahg!"
Liara's gentle voice suddenly howled in panicked surprise, instinctively stumbling backwards into Garrus and Shepard again.
"No 'Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh ...' you gotta get it out from the back of the throat."
Ashley corrected, clearing her own throat and bending over alongside Shepard as she too began copying the word with her own voice.
Liara quickly shook her head, stuttering for words as her gaze failed to fall from the giant standing threateningly before her, "No! 'Yahg!' as in big, tall, and a carnivorous brute in nature banished by the council almost twenty years ago!" She squeaked.
"Oh, so you mean in like.. AHHG!"
SHepard jumped as she turned around, her back hitting the wall of text with a forceful thud and slamming Ashley's body head first into the stone.
"No, Yahg!"
The Asari maiden shakily corrected, not exactly sure what motivated her to do so - maybe to distract from the sudden fear that had glued her feet to the floor.
"My God! What the hell, Skipper! That's not what I meant at all!"
Instantly her attention was turned from the pain throbbing within the side of her skull to the twelve foot tall giant baring three rows of razor sharp teeth, with a pair of large onyx horns protruding from it's over-sized skull. A beast that would give even Wrex a run for his money.
"Permission to run and gun freely, Commander."
"Granted!"
The wide eyed commander agreed without hesitation while brandishing an assault rifle.
"Everyone, RUN!"
It took only moments for the crew to get around and begin retreating from the scene, before a scream instantly halted Shepard in her tracks, "Who was that!", she panted.
"Lt. Alenko."
Wrex boomed, halting in his stride alongside Shepard to glance back with her, raising his shotgun to take a couple of shots into the shadows at the sounds of the beast.
"I didn't know we had an Alenko..."
Shepard frowned in confusion, glancing around only to get shrugs in response from the rest of the crew that had stopped to catch their breath next to her.
"He was feeding it bread."
Wrex shrugged.
"Isn't that what human's do to pests on their home planet instead of killing them?"
"Well, that was a very silly thing to do."
Shepard shook her head, arming herself once more before turning to continue the retreat.
"C'mon people, Away from the..."
"Aaaaaarrrrrrgggghhhh!"
Another bone chilling, spine tingling scream echoed from down the corridors as another roar of the Yahg's fearsome voice pervaded through the tunnels.
"Yes, that. Back to the Normandy people, double time! Let's move!"
Yes. Monty Python's holy grail and the black beast of aaarrrrrggghh... only spoofed with MASS EFFECT characters and a Yahg. I know, i butchered it, you can burn me at the stake for it later. ANyways, Don't know if something like this had been done yet so here's my rendition of it anyways. I do not own anything btw, mass effect or the comedic genius of the monty python skits...