A/N: First fanfic of the now-ending summer! Enjoy my attempt at Valenwind and please find it somewhere in your heart to review.
A/N2: Have you guys checked out this Reader Traffic thingy? It is way cool. My self-esteem has skyrocketed with all the hits I've gotten just this month! Thanks, guys!
Bittersweet Memories
Part One
By crazykitsune17
I remember the day Shinra No. 26 failed to destroy Meteor. I had a feeling in my heart that it wouldn't work, but everyone just attributed my lack of enthusiasm to my usual pessimistic demeanor. I was more disappointed that Cid didn't really get to pilot his spaceship than the fact that the world was ending sooner than we thought. At the time, I still would have welcomed death with open arms; the destruction of the planet didn't mean as much to me as it does now.
Anyway, we arrived back on the planet in a dismal state. I'll never forget the hopeless looks on everyone's faces as they looked toward the sky as it spelled imminent doom for all of us. I'll also never forget that tiny shiver of fear I felt shoot down my spine for the first time in a long while. My hand twitched and I searched frantically for a hand to hold – an impulse I once thought to be absurd. Who would want to touch the hand of a monster? My eyes had lingered on Cid, but I thought better of it and kept to myself.
That evening, none of the members of Avalanche talked much. Of course, I was no exception. I remember sitting in the tent I shared with the pilot, I was just staring at my shoes, not thinking about anything, but still feeling odd from that twinge of fear and frantic impulse. Then Cid came in, a rush of smoky stench following close behind. He crushed the burned-out cigarette he had just finished and sat down next to me.
"Some motherfuckin' day, huh?" he grumbled, more sorrowful than angry. Looking back, I wished I would have said something, but I stayed silent, not taking my eyes off my shoes. I feel bad for being so cold to Cid – and everybody for that matter, but mostly Cid – but I just couldn't find it in my hollow heart to voice my feelings.
"Goddammit," said Cid. He looked at me. "Ain't you scared?"
With a sick feeling in my stomach, I remembered my fear from earlier and swallowed hard. I didn't say anything, but my face must have said something because I felt Cid relax beside me, and he didn't say another word.
Truth was, I was scared. Not deathly frightened, but worried enough about what was to become of all of us if we didn't succeed in destroying Meteor and Sephiroth. There was a time when I would have welcomed death, but now was not that time. I still believed that I was still on the planet as punishment and that my sorry excuse for a life was destined to be nothing but misery, and yet I still feared death – or whatever was to happen to us had we failed our objective.
I was more worried about Cid than myself. Just as I once worried about Lucrecia and felt sorrow for her miserable fate, I worried about our Highwind pilot. My life may have meant nothing for the planet, but his… he had dreams. He had a home to go back to, things he so badly wanted to do. It wouldn't be fair for his life and his dreams to just be cut short all because of Sephiroth and this horrible mess we were thrown into. So I worried for Cid. I was scared for Cid. Did he know that? I don't know. I don't want him to know how much I worried for him, how many hours I had spent awake that night and the ones that followed cursing his fate – and mine – and the injustices we had both suffered due to the hands of the Shinra.
That night, I didn't sleep at all. All I could feel was fear. Fear and my inability to control it. If I could feel proud of anything in my life, it was my ability to mask my emotions. I remember feeling very glad that it was nighttime and that the tent was dark and Cid could not see my face.
Now, however, I would give anything to have Cid see my face, no matter what I looked like, and see how I really feel. He was always good at that – reading people. He kept his distance from me during our journey, yet at the same time, we managed to get quite close. I wish we could be that close again. Sharing the same quarters, the same emotions, possibly the same feelings for each other. Though it felt like Cid and I had a sort of connection, it always felt that there was something missing. Maybe it was me. A truer, cleaner, me. Was that all that Cid needed? I admit I was never the most expressive person; I much prefer locking myself and my thoughts inside, but when it becomes too much for me to bear…
I wish I could see him again. Maybe this time I would tell him how scared I was, how angry I was, and how sad I was. Maybe I would tell him that I admired him, wished I could share his vibrancy and zest for life.
I practice what I would say to him sometimes. It's difficult to voice my opinions, even when no one's listening, and I stumble a lot on my words. They sound beautiful in my head, and I feel full of emotion when I picture him in my mind, but I never get the point across. I say angry things about my past and hurt myself with my own words. It's hard to be happy.
"Sometimes I think… I can only be… happy with… you."
A rush of relief washes over me as I finally voice these words out loud. Then I sigh and a palpable cloud of sorrow enshrines me as I realize I am only talking to a tree.
"What is the use? I will never see him again. It's… better that way. I don't… I don't deserve him. Maybe I should just… go back to sleep…" I stare at my golden arm and remember just exactly why I should just stay quiet. I clench my fist. No! Enough of this! At least find out if… if Cid is happy now.
Because even now I find myself worrying about him. I feel sick if I think that he is as miserable as I am – a fate I would never wish upon anyone that I care about. But it is late now, and I have nothing to satisfy myself with but bittersweet memories.
I lay down to sleep, and I pray. "Cid Highwind… I hope you are safe… and happy. Good night, pilot."
I don't fall asleep for hours, and finally, when the sky is almost dawn, my exhaustion and melancholy catch up with me and my eyes close.
- crazykitsune17