BEGINNINGS
Author: originally written as Selket who also writes as Lysis
Original copyright 2005 - Revised December 2011
Category: romance/humor
Pairing: Alexander/Hephaistion
Summary: A very young Alexander and Hephaistion explore the changes they are experiening in their lives and in themselves not long after they arrive at Mieza to study with Aristotle. This is based on and a revision of a shorter story I wrote long ago.
Warnings: None
The surface of the pond shivered and shifted, its water rippling as the wind moved across its face. The youth pulled back abruptly with a cry and looked about in fear. His mother had lately chided him on vanity when she had caught him studying his image in her mirror. A red blush crept into his face recalling her warning about Narcissus, a beloved of the god Apollo, who so caught up in the perfection of his own features as he lay gazing in admiration at them in the water that he became obsessed with his own beauty and lost in that admiration had been pulled down by the water nymphs to his death.
"Nay, I am no Narcissus. There is nothing fair in my appearance. I hate my nose, it is much too big. My eyes are too close together. My hair is too red. I am ugly, hideous, more like Kalaban than Narcissus. Alexander will never love me." Hephaistion, the thirteen year old son of Amyntor, agent to Athens and other Attic states to Philip, high king of the Macedoni, who was Alexander's father moaned staring at his image in the watery mirror.
He had been three months now at the Gardens of the Nymphs, in Mieza studying with the sophist Aristotle along with Alexander and several other youths and young men - all Alexander's companions. It was an exciting time, but also very frustrating. So much in his life was changing and he was enthusiastic as each new challenge presented itself. He loved the studies with Aristotle, a Greek in his early forties originally from Stagira, who had come up from the Academy in Athens to teach them.
Hephaistion had been enthralled to learn the teachings of Plato and Socrates with one who had actually studied under them or their immediate predecessors. His thirst for all such things surprised him, although it did not seem to surprise their teacher at all, who had lately praised Hephaistion for his quick mind with mathematics and philosophy.
The daily practices in warfare that had begun so young at seven years that ran alongside their other studies he excelled at, especially in the palestra, and with the long lance and even the sarissa, which due to his growing height he had been encouraged to learn. Oh, he would never wield one in battle as he was trained for cavalry, and had already begun to serve with his king as such in a few battles alongside with Alexander when they had turned twelve. Alexander was of the belief a good officer should be proficient in those weapons all the men he might serve over would use. In this he had agreed, so eagerly he studied the sarissa and even the building of war machines and other functions of engineering. However, there were other changes taking place, and those he was not so sure of or comfortable with.
When faced with the physical growth and increasing strength in his muscles he was proud of himself, knowing he was growing into a strong youth and warrior who would bring honor to his family and his king and Alexander. However, at other times, such as the present he was unsure of the changes he was undergoing. Those changes that caused him to look upon his companions and himself in a manner he never had before. He had begun to know Eros and the gifts and delights that god offered, but from day to day was not sure whether he was comfortable with them. Just now, he was not and had been fighting with himself. It had all come about, had been growing into what it was now because of his roommate. One he had known from a much younger age, but for the last few months or so it seemed he found himself looking upon Alexander in a new way and it disturbed him a good deal.
His long fingers yanked on his long silky, burnished locks pulling hard. "I hate my hair. It curls so and is too soft like a girl's. I hate it, hate it."
He glared at his image not seeing the perfect proportions and stunning masculine beauty in his youthful insecurity. "Perhaps it would be just as well if Tethys' daughters took me with them into these depths. I am too ugly to be seen."
Drawing his long legs up under him, Hephaistion threw himself face down on the scrubby grass with a dramatic moan. His fingers tugged at a rock and he pressed it into his palm welcoming the sting of its sharp edges against his skin until red blood welled upon his unblemished skin. "I wish I were dead!"
He opened his eyes at the sound of nearing footsteps and looked over to see a pair of bare feet before him. The toenails were filthy and the right foot bore fresh scratches some were still bleeding. A voice spoke, it was high, breaking a bit, but sharp and clear, "What are you doing lying on the ground like that?"
Hephaistion rolled his eyes, shut them, opened them again and sighed rolling over. "Oh, it is you."
A pair of startling sky blue eyes surrounded by a wavy rough, cut mane of fair hair met his darker blue gaze. They left his face and roamed along his long body, lingering along it.
"Gods, Hephaistion you have such beautiful legs, and you are so much bigger than I am, everywhere."
Hephaistion moaned again, well, actually it was more like a scream as he buried his face in the moist grass. "Nay, I am not beautiful! I am hideous! Go away, Alexander, do not look upon me."
Alexander crouched down next to him. His chiton was filthy; he looked as though he had been rooting around in a muddy pit. Something Hephaistion knew he probably had in fact been doing. Most likely he had been digging trenches.
Hephaistion scratched his nose; it was peeling from sunburn when Alexander spoke. "You are so beautiful, do not say that. I wish I had long legs like yours. Well, mine are not so bad, I think." He flexed one and studied it but sounded doubtful. "Think you I will ever grow as tall as you?" He sighed deeply in envy. "Hephaistion, you are even bigger than Philotas and he is a man grown."
Hephaistion's eyes widened and he could feel the heat rise in his face as his hands frantically pulled down his light brown chiton that had ridden up past his thighs. "Do not say that!" he shrieked. "By the dog, Alexander." he rolled back onto his stomach and refused to open his eyes.
Moments later he opened one eye, Alexander's face was aflame and he'd clamped a hand to his mouth. "Oh, I did not think."
Hephaistion muttered something and sat up. "Did you follow me? Why? I am ugly, I hate myself, you cannot possibly like me. Go away."
Alexander chewed his lips, frowned, scratched his ear and tried to look everywhere but at his friend. "But I do like you." His voice cracked and he turned red. "You are not ugly, stop saying that! Why you are the best looking boy in all of Macedon, do you know that?"
"Aye! Gods, aye!" Hephaistion shouted, "And I hate it. I do not like all the men staring at me in the gymnasium, and in the street it is the girls. They smile at me, cooing little noises like birds when they pass me. I hate it. My father has even spoken to me about an estes, and being his eromenos. I know it is normal, he says especially as pages when we are a bit older it is to our advantage especially when it comes to rank and such things. I think that I would, well, I… Nearkhos keeps asking me if I've had woman yet. He has, you know that?"
"Nay, I'd not. Did he tell you about it?" Alexander was all attention, eyes wide curious.
"I did not want to know. I... I do not think I care for women, yet. Although, Ptolemy says they are a lot of fun in the bed of …, Hephaistion gulped and filled with an embarrassment he could not quite understand muttered out the last word in a bare whisper "love. "I think I do not like them. I mean, I…I do not hate them." He added hastily, looking up at his friend. "Your sisters are quite nice girls, but I, I…" His hands shook, he knew whom he cared for, cared too much. He looked up into Alexander's seeking eyes.
"Me either, not yet anyway," Alexander answered. "As for an estes, I think I know I would do that, too, when the time comes. Both Phoenix and even my father have spoken of this. Even Aristotle, has he not spoken to you as well?"
Hephaistion grimaced and shook his head. All too recently Aristotle had had to speak to him about it. One of the older officers attached to the cavalry unit he had been training with had been begun paying him attention. Haltingly, he began to tell Alexander what had happened.
"He did nothing inappropriate did he?" Alexander's eyes where bright with anxiety and he was biting his lower lip a sure sign of nerves and concern as Hephaistion told him what had occurred. "Your father did not press this situation upon you; I cannot think he would do that."
"No, he did not. He and Aristotle have both spoken to the man and he has been told to leave me be." Anxious now Hephaistion looked up at his friend. What would he think of him now? Would he think him disgusting, perhaps too much like the Athenians youths who they had both heard seemed to be concerned with such things more than they were since they had no military to keep them training and too busy to notice the interest and advances of those older.
Alexander sighed and slumped down beside Hephaistion. "I am not sure I like growing up sometimes. Yet, sometimes I cannot wait to be old enough to ride out with a unit of my under my own command. I, I think I would do well if all I had to be concerned with was war and my studies. But, now…." He moaned softly and turned to his friend his face suddenly serious. "Hephaistion, my mother has even begun speaking to me of girls." He shook his blond curls as he smiled ruefully. "I am not ready for all this. As to an estes Aristotle has said I must consider this sooner than the rest of you, because of my rank, but I, I…" he stopped and looked at the ground, digging into the soft dirt beneath the grass with a stick. Then he leaned over toward Hephaistion and whispered in his ear. "You know what he has counseled me?" He did not wait for Hephaistion's response and continued. "He has counseled that I ought to choose someone to my own liking and perhaps the sooner the better." He shook his head and their eyes met for a moment and it seemed something was exchanged between them without either of them really understanding it but knowing it would affect them together.
For a bit neither of them spoke each lost in the new confidences they had revealed and their own thoughts.
"Do you have ah, dreams?" Alexander finally broke the silence and asked this while intent on the ditch he was making at his feet.
Hephaistion bit his lip, oh aye, he had dreams, dreams where he ended up touching himself, urged on by some desire he could not yet understand. The dreams were all about Alexander, but he would not tell him that. "Aye, sometimes," he answered shyly hating himself because he could feel the hot blush rise under his skin.
"Do you think they are normal?"
Hephaistion shook his head, "Aye, of course. My father told me about it. They are part of our becoming men."
Alexander's face relaxed and he smiled. "Oh, good." The ditch turned into a small series of trenches. "What do you dream about?"
"I cannot tell you that!" Hephaistion all but shouted at him.
Alexander was quiet for a moment, set down his stick and smeared the blood around on his foot with his finger. "I dream about..." he swallowed, and looked into Hephaistion's face. "I dream about you." There was the promise of hope in the air, in his eyes, Hephaistion saw it. He reached out a hand toward Alexander, but let it fall.
"I dream about you, too." Hephaistion admitted softly. Alexander stared at him for a minute and then turned away. He hummed a little tune, and wandered over to the water throwing stones into it.
"Do you ever touch yourself when you, ah, dream?" Alexander immediately clamped his hand over his mouth and knew he was turning red as the blood on his foot. He felt like dying. Why had he said that?
Hephaistion was quiet somehow this talk didn't bother him as much as he thought it might. He rose and strode to Alexander's side to join him in his stone tossing. "Aye, sometimes…" he stopped and cleared his throat it was becoming much too tight. "My father told me that is normal, too."
Taking a deep breath Hephaistion brushed a finger along Alexander's hand and closed his eyes he opened one and said quickly. "When I think about you it does things to my body, there." He threw himself on the ground. Oh, gods he was seven kinds of an idiot. Alexander would be disgusted with him, now. "Please, Zeus, swallow me into the earth, now. Now would be a good time." He muttered under his breath.
He jerked up when he felt a hand moving along his back. "Hephaistion," Alexander spoke softly crouched down next to him. "I, I think I like you better than I'll ever like girls. The same thing happens to me, it does not happen when I think about girls. I have tried. I, I uh, I asked Lea, one of the kitchen slaves if I could kiss her." He stopped feeling he needed to explain why and what he had done to Hephaistion. He felt it was important that he not misunderstand, though he could not quite comprehend why this was so important to him. "It was an experiment; I felt if I could experience it I might understand the interest others have in this." He made a face as he recalled his "experiment". "She giggled a lot. I did not care for it at all. Yet when I, I…" He said nothing but gazed at his friend hopefully and finally sank back down on the ground feeling his stomach fluttering.
He had never felt so unsettled or stupid. Could he not just keep his mouth closed? He studied Hephaistion under his lashes. He knew he would die if his beautiful friend were to fall in love with someone else, but he could not tell him how he felt, he really could not. After some serious and desperate thinking he had finally spoken to Aristotle who had counseled that he tell Hephaistion of his feelings. He shook his head thinking on their conversation now. No, he could not speak of it to Hephaistion, would hate him.
Hephaistion rose up on his elbows, "Really? Do you think we are normal or is there something wrong with us?"
Alexander frowned studying the scratches on his feet, "I think we are normal. What do you think?"
"I think we are normal, too."
"Oh, good," Alexander breathed a great sigh of relief. "Umm, I was wondering, well, um, you know, I…"
Hephaistion sat up taller watching the blush grow on Alexander's beautiful face. He was entranced by it. He always had been. No other face had eyes like his, or a mouth like his, he dreamed of kissing it, touching his lips to the soft, firm mouth that was parting now to speak again.
"Why are you looking at me like that?" Alexander frowned and his voice grew sharp.
Hephaistion's hand skittered in the dirt he glanced around wildly, his fingers tearing into Alexander's earthworks. "Like what?" he said.
"Like you want to eat me whole."
"I did not look at you like that!"
"You did!" Alexander nearly shouted.
"If I did, I, I, I am sorry, alright! Do not shout at me!" Hephaistion roared back.
"Alright!" Alexander yelled in answer.
"Fine!"
"I hate you."
"Well, I hate you, too." Hephaistion rose to his full height towering over Alexander. He tried to look angry, but could not. He began to laugh.
Alexander growled low in his throat and before Hephaistion could move an inch leapt on him. They both fell inches from the edge of the pond.
"Why did you do that?" Hephaistion shouted trying to push the smaller boy off him.
Alexander's face was white, his lips open as he panted and his eyes spitting fire, he grabbed Hephaistion's hands and
pulled them apart over his head. Hephaistion began to push up with his legs to buck Alexander off him, and then stopped. He laid still watching Alexander's face. A battle was being fought behind those eyes.
Alexander looked down into his face, his eyes hot and fierce, "I think I care for you, very much"
Hephaistion's entire body relaxed and he closed his eyes and sighed deeply as a smile rose on his lips. When he opened his eyes Alexander was watching expectantly, anxiously, almost fearfully. Hephaistion licked his lips and smiled. "I too – care for you. I really do like you, Alexander. I like you quite a lot. I was afraid you did not."
Alexander slumped against him, quiet and Hephaistion's arm wrapped around his back, comforting him. He noted he liked the way it felt holding the compact, muscular body next to his.
"Gods, Hephaistion sometimes I just wish I could grow up faster. It seems so awful."
Hephaistion who knew the feeling well shook his head in agreement. "I know."
"I'm glad we are both normal, it would be awful if we were not."
Hephaistion shook his head wildly in agreement. Suddenly Alexander bolted upright and sprang to his feet. Hephaistion rolled over and sat up. Both eyed the other expectantly.
"So, um, you like me?" Hephaistion began anxiously. Alexander shook his head vigorously, his blond hair flying about his face. His fingers raked through it, pulling out a leaf here, a twig there.
"You've a bit of dirt right there," Hephaistion brushed his hand across Alexander's cheek. Then he froze realizing what he was doing. Neither boy moved then Alexander pulled the long, slender hand into his own. Hephaistion watched him, open mouthed, his heart racing, head spinning as Alexander brought it up to his lips. Hephaistion blinked his eyes shut as the fire seared his skin. Alexander smiled hesitantly and let his hand go.
"I, I..." Hephaistion began staring at his hand and then Alexander's full lips. Without thinking too much he reached up pulling the face above his down toward him. Alexander's mouth was slightly open, his long lashes fluttered over his eyes, a flush stained his cheek bones. Hephaistion felt he'd swallowed his heart. Slowly eyes wide open, they kissed.
Alexander ran his tongue along his lips tasting Hephaistion's kiss. "You are sure we are normal?" He whispered.
"Oh, aye." Hephaistion murmured back mesmerized by the blue eyes boring into his.
Finis