"I, I thought" His voice broke. He crouched in front of her and framed her face with both his hands, running his thumbs along her cheekbones. He lent his forehead against hers.
"I thought I'd lost you." He whispered.
Tears were streaming down her face and he pulled back slightly to wipe them away.
"Are you ok? Did he hurt you?" Felicity chuckled slightly.
"No Oliver, I'm fine. I'm just a little tired, dirty and bruised and I feel like hell and…"
He smiled. "It doesn't really sound like you're fine to me." She smiled weakly.
"Would you maybe let me get up now?" He looked down, realizing for the first time he was half lying on top of her. "Why?" He asked, leaning closer so that they were nearly breathing in the same air.
"Is this in any way, uncomfortable for you?" Her eyes widened slightly and he felt his own breath hitch and his heart beating faster being this close to her, but he had started this, better deal with it as well. He saw her eyes flicker down to his mouth once, and she nervously rearranged her glasses.
"Oliver," she said forcefully, even though he noticed-much to his delight, that her voice was slightly higher than usual. "Let. Me. Up."
He leaned in closer once more, heard her breath hitch and saw her eyes widen slightly, then he pulled back to let her get up. She did so, and once she was standing he immediately engulfed her in a tight hug. She squeaked a little and froze, but then she hugged him back. He stroked her hair and buried his face in her neck.
He knew he shouldn't be doing this, but he needed to feel her, needed the comfort this hug offered. Because, for a horrible hour he had thought he'd lost her. So he just stood there for some time-he had no idea for how long-and was engulfed by her warmth and her nice smell and the feel of her body against his and was just content.
For a moment he just let go, stopped thinking about what he was doing, just enjoyed doing it. For a moment he let himself do what Oliver Queen desperately wanted to do. For a moment he let himself be happy.
He felt her sob against him, and ran his hands down her back, feeling her shiver slightly at the touch.
"Hey." He whispered into her ear. "You're safe. He's not gonna hurt you again. I'm not gonna let him hurt you again, ok?"
She shook her head. "That's not it. It was just that, for a moment I thought I was going to die." His heart twisted at her words. They were barely audible through her sobs.
"And I thought I was going to die without ever seeing you again and with us fighting and I…"
The words failed her, and he gripped her tighter. There were tears in his eyes as well.
"I'm so sorry, Felicity." He whispered. "I should have been there."
"Who should have been there? Oliver Queen or the Arrow?" She asked. "Who's here right now?" She added quietly. He shook his head. "Now is not the time." He said gruffly. She pulled away, and out of the hug, stepping back a few feet.
"So whens the time, Oliver?" He didn't answer, just gathered up his bow.
"We should get back to the lair, Digg'll wanna see you. He was pretty worried."
She hurried after him. "So you're just gonna ignore my question?" She asked. "I'm not going to let you ignore this again, Oliver!"
He whirled around so he stood facing her. He leaned in closer. Her eyes were still red and shone even more than usual. "What do you want me to say, Felicity?" He yelled. She flinched, but didn't back away. She was angry now too, and answered with almost as much conviction: "How about you start with the truth?"
He clenched his jaw, and for a moment it looked like he was going to lean in and kiss her, but than he turned away from her. His voice sounded decades older when he said: "I don't lie to you, Felicity. I cant lie to you! You should know that by now."
Hearing him like that, so sad, almost like he had just given up, like all the light had left him softened her a bit. She stepped closer and put her hand on his arm.
"I'm not talking about that. What I think is that you should stop lying to yourself. It might make things a lot easier." A wave of sadness and fatigue washed over her, and she saw the world spin around and her head start to pound, the adrenaline obviously fading. She staggered, and gripped Oliver's arm tighter to prevent falling down. He caught her, just like he always did. "Felicity!" There was panic in his voice. "Hey!" With one arm around her to hold her up, his other hand came up to angle her face so he could look at her. "Stay with me." He whispered. She stared into his eyes, transfixed, and wondered not for the first time how it was possible that they were so blue. "Are you ok?" He asked. The worry in his voice was evident, and for some reason it made her heart swell to think about how worried he had been and still was. She nodded. "Just a concussion, I think." She answered. His eyes looked her over once, and his eyes searched hers while he considered. Then, without warning he scooped her up, carrying her bridal style.
"Lets get you home." He said. She wanted to answer, say something stupid, but her brain was a mess, and she was hardly conscious anyway.
When they arrived at the lair she was fast asleep. With Diggle's help Oliver got her cleaned up, before sending him home to spend time with Lyla and Sara. He had ignored Diggle's attempts to talk about what had happened just as much as he ignored his worried and quizzical looks.
When Digg had left he breathed freely again. For a moment he just enjoyed the calm and quiet of the lair, taking deep and calm breaths for the first time since Felicity had disappeared. He took a quick shower, hoping it would help him clear his mind. It didn't. When he was finally convinced that he was clean, he got dressed, putting on a simple blue shirt and some sweatpants. Even though both his head and his heart were still a mess, at least he felt better physically. He carried Felicity over to his bed where he put her down and tucked her in. He knew he shouldn't, but he couldn't help brushing some of her hair out of her face and tucking it in safely behind her hair. She stirred when he did so and he froze, afraid she'd woken up.
But she just muttered something unintelligible and leaned into his touch. He brushed his thumb along her cheek before he could help himself and she hummed appreciatively. He smiled and felt his heart swell. When he pulled his hand back she turned towards him, curling herself in a tight ball. He pulled a chair up next to the bed and sat down, just watching her. She looked so peaceful and happy asleep, like a little kid that had never been hurt and didn't know anything about how bad the world was, and how hard life could be.
This innocence shook him and, for a moment he wished she had never met him, and that he had never brought her into this. But, in his selfish, stupid brain he knew that he didn't really want that because then he never would have met her. And he needed her.
He didn't even notice the tears streaming down his face until he saw them drip down onto the bed, right next to his hand, tightly gripping hers. Because once again it became clear to him how close he had come to losing her. And he knew, in his heart he would have lost the most important part of himself, would've lost himself had that happened.
And one of the last things he'd done was push her away. Repeatedly.
So he just sat there, at her bedside, crying for her and for himself and for them and the mess he had made hating himself and not knowing what to do, until he finally fell asleep, his head leaning on their still intertwined hands.