Author ramblings:

This is the first fic I wrote for Tales of the Abyss. What surprised me most was how fast the idea came to me, and how easy it was to write this.

There isn't much to this fic. Just some crack humor, Peony being... Peony, and me making fun of mpreg. No, there is no actual mpreg in this (ewww... that's just... no). Well, you'll find out for yourself when you read.

Spoilers for post Absorption Gate, by the way.

Disclaimer: Tales of the Abyss belongs to Namco Bandai.

Rating: PG

Summary: Peony gets a new rappig, and antics inevitably ensue. Really, you've gotta feel sorry for Guy in this one.

Pairings: Luke/Gailardia...?!

The Birds and the... Buusagi?

Rappigs.

So many damn rappigs.

Or so went Guy's current train of thought as he sat in one of Grand Chokmah's parks in the midst of a pack of rappigs. All of which belonged to a certain oh-so beloved emperor. Today was yet another day when it was his duty to walk them. As for how His Majesty expected one person to be able to hold onto six rappig leashes at once was beyond Guy. They almost always got away from him eventually, and then he'd have to spend a good twenty minutes chasing after them. Today he'd just given up and stopped in the park by the harbor. So far, none of them seemed to be straying too far from the pack, and Guy was at least grateful for that.

The rappig closest to him stopped sniffing at the dirt, instead deciding to approach Guy and nudge his side.

"Eh?" Guy didn't need to look at its collar to know which one it was. "Oh, it's you, Luke."

Luke, Peony's newest rappig. The only rappig that ever listened to Guy's commands. And the only one that didn't seem to take so much joy in rebelling against him.

"You hungry?" Guy scratched behind the rappig's ears, an action which only made the animal nudge his side more. He smiled a bit before reaching into his pocket for a carrot. "If only your companions were as cooperative as you…"

The irony of the fact that this Luke was so much more docile than a certain other Luke was not lost on Guy at all. But still, he couldn't help being reminded of his friend, whether it was just through name or whatever else.

…And then Nephry made a mad dash for the other side of the park, causing Guy to immediately leap up and run after her.

3 Hours Later

Guy returned to the palace with all six rappigs in tow, his clothes considerably dirtied and his face showing similar signs of wear. After handing them all safely to Peony's personal maid, he sluggishly dragged himself up to the audience chamber to give his "report."

"Yo," Emperor Peony called as Guy entered the room.

Guy raised his head, only to stop dead, gaping in horror at the emperor. He was holding yet another rappig — one Guy had never seen — in his lap.

"…Is that… is that another of your rappigs…" Guy asked wearily, afraid to hear the answer.

"Of course! What else would it be? He just came in from the breeder today…" Peony fondly stroked the rappig's fur. "Isn't he cute?! And I've already picked a name out for him. Guess what it is!"

Guy shuddered, somehow already knowing what name the emperor had chosen for his new pet.

"Gailardia! Isn't it so appropriate? He looks just like you."

Guy failed to see any similarities whatsoever. "Your Majesty… I don't think…"

Peony let the rappig back on the ground and watched as it started scurrying around the throne room, sniffing at various things. "Anyway, I'll be leaving tomorrow for business purposes. So make sure the others don't pick on him too much, understand?"

Guy nodded. "Understood." Seemed like he had many, many fun days ahead of him.

The Next Day

Guy sat in the same park, this time in the middle of a herd of seven rappigs. All of them shuffling and sniffing around as usual. Noticeably different, however, was the absence of a certain rappig that was usually at his side… He looked over to his right to see Luke grazing next to the new rappig.

Sighing, he reached into his pocket and grabbed a few treats. "Well, I suppose animals don't really feel anything like loyalty." He tossed the treats randomly in front of him and watched with a detached expression as some of the rappigs came forth to eat.

As he rested his chin on one hand and stared out into the distance, he couldn't help but wonder just what Peony loved so much about these creatures. They were smelly, messy, and far too energetic. Although… he had to admit that they had grown on him a bit. He reached down to pet Jade lightly. Not too surprisingly, Jade scurried a few feet away afterwards.

Four Days Later

"Sooooo… you're still on rappig duty, huh?" Luke grinned as he strolled towards Peony's room with Guy.

"Uh huh. His Majesty's going to be on a business trip all week. So I pretty much have to take care of them the whole time. He insists that if someone doesn't, they'll be all 'skin and bones' when he gets back."

"So this is your official duty as one of the House of Lords, right? Sure isn't easy being a noble in Malkuth…"

Guy shot Luke a rather annoyed look before answering, "Well, unlike SOME people, I have certain important responsibilities as a noble."

Luke ignored the jab. "Like babysitting rappigs."

"It's surprisingly rather similar to babysitting you…"

"Hey! I wasn't THAT bad!" Luke tossed a spare rappig treat at Guy's head, which he dodged easily. "Anyway, where are they?"

"In His Majesty's room." Guy opened the door to the anteroom and immediately headed for the table by the wall. He grabbed the crystal dish sitting on it. "Hand me that box of food, will ya?"

Luke looked around for a few seconds before locating a box of "rappig feed" sitting on a chair. He handed it to Guy.

Guy poured the feed into the dish. "A few of them are out for veterinary exams, but Luke and his newest one are still here."

"You need my help with anything?"

"Nah, not until the rest come back." Guy headed for the door to Peony's room. He opened the door slowly, making sure not to spill any of the food in the dish. "I've come with your…" He stopped dead.

"Huh, what's wrong?" Luke noticed Guy freeze. He glanced over Guy's shoulder into the emperor's room. "HOLY SHIT. W-what the hell are they doing?!" He pointed somewhat shakily at what was taking place before them in the emperor's room.

The crystal dish fell to the floor and shattered.

The Next Day

"Well, who'd have thought that two of my very own rappigs were in love?" Peony sighed happily. "To think that I didn't even notice that love was blooming right under my nose…"

"I wouldn't exactly put it that way, Your Majesty…" Guy looked like he was about to throw up. "Applying that term to animals is rather…"

Jade, who had conveniently just finished a military assignment earlier in the day, adjusted his glasses before adding, "On the contrary, Guy. Scientists have yet to prove whether or not animals and monsters are capable of emotions; including love. So for all we know, such a term would be applicable in this situation."

"I didn't ask you…"

"So… wait, I don't get it." Luke scratched his head in confusion. "I thought your new rappig was male?"

"Nope. Turns out the breeder made a mistake when he sent her to me. Unfortunately, I didn't notice since I left for that trip right after receiving her."

"So Gailardia is definitely a…" Guy looked really pale now.

"A girl? Yup." Peony raised the rappig sitting in his lap into the air in order to get a better look at it. "Definitely a girl."

"…" Both Guy and Luke looked like they were about to throw up now.

"I thought that you had all of your rappigs neutered, Your Majesty?" Jade seemed to be in a very good mood today.

"Well… I did neuter all the males, but since Luke is relatively new, he had yet to get it done. I was planning to have the vet do the procedure for him and Gailardia later on. Oh well, looks like I'll only have to neuter one now…"

Hearing his name in the same sentence as the word "neuter" REALLY didn't sit well with Guy. "So… since it's a girl… you should obviously give it a more fitting name, right?"

Peony waved a hand dismissively at Guy. "Nah… I think it works just as well for a girl, even."

Guy couldn't help noticing that Jade was snickering.

"So um… when they were, uh…" Luke couldn't quite find the right words.

Jade cut in. "I take it you never gave poor Luke the 'talk,' Guy?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about…" Guy shot Jade a warning look.

Luke blinked. He glanced at Guy's reluctant expression and then at Jade's barely concealed amusement. "Wait, what?"

"Oh, you know. The 'birds and the bees,' the 'adult talk.' How about you explain, Guy?"

"No thanks. This is neither the time or place, and you know it. And I mean… no. It… didn't really come up… since he didn't leave the manor… And I don't think his mother would've approved of me telling him something like that anyway…"

"Wait… what're you guys talking about…" Luke suddenly found himself the subject of a stare shared by the three other occupants of the room.

Jade's glasses glinted mischievously. "We'll tell you when you're older."

Peony burst out laughing, meanwhile Guy looked away, a blush obviously slowly creeping is way up his neck.

"…What the hell! Why do you guys always have to make fun of me!"

"Chill out, Luke, it's… no big deal… I mean… You DO have a general idea of what those two rappigs were doing, right?" Guy REALLY didn't feel like explaining the process right now.

"Er… I think so…"

"Good enough, then, I suppose." Jade shrugged before adding, "Anyway, what do you plan to do, Your Majesty? What if Luke has gotten poor Gailardia pregnant?"

Both Luke and Guy shifted uncomfortably.

"I'll have the vet take a look when he comes tomorrow. And if that's the case… I guess that mean's I'm a grandfather!"

This time Peony was the one that was met with stares.

"Rappig babies! Ooooh, they'd be so cute! Hmm… we'd better make sure that Gailardia is taken care of as much as possible, then. Don't want to endanger her children…" He turned his gaze to Guy.

"I'm already taking care of the other six."

"Hmmm… you're right…" Peony looked at Luke instead. "Then how about you help?"

"Er…" Luke backed away a little. "I've got to be heading back to Baticul soon…"

Peony threw up his hands and sighed. "No help at all! Well, whatever. I'll find someone else, then. And who knows, maybe there won't be any kids anyway. But still, I'm so proud of my cute little Luke! Who knew he had it in him?"

"I can't believe we're in the throne room having a conversation about rappig mating habits…" Guy muttered under his breath.

Luke tilted his head a little. "You say something, Guy?"

"Nevermind…"

Reviews are always welcome. Thanks for reading!