"We can't pick who we love. And even though we know we shouldn't love them, sometimes we do & always will."

I bit my lip as I read the erotic love scene in my newest novel that I purchased just the other day. The paper back book that contained adult theme content laid against my bent legs. My toes were the only body part hanging from the lounge chair.

Even alone I felt so naughty as I let myself be consumed by this imaginative porn. My lower tummy began to tingle and below I felt that familiar throbbing twitch. I wrapped my fingers tighter around the wine class that I was holding in my right hand.

I sighed deeply, dropping the thin page that I was getting ready to turn. Ahead, I stared out of the mist covered window. It was pouring rain. A bang of thunder caused me to jump. He should be here by now. I pursed my lips and craned my neck to get a glance of the time. The clock on the wall told me he was about and hour and a half late. That's no big deal, he'll be here any minute. Until then I'm going to get back to my book.

I honestly don't know if I could get by without my collection of erotic novels. As a single mother of an 18 year old boy, who hasn't had a date or a serious relationship in forever, I deserve to get off any way I please. Me being 35 you are probably thinking I'm some old and fat unattractive woman. Well, I may be in my thirties and had a child at 16 but I have the body and looks of a hot twenty year old. Or I like to believe that anyway since I take very good care of myself. Now, onto the boyfriend situation, I just haven't found the "one."

And I'm ok with that.

But right now, in my hormonal and needy time, I wish I had a man to take me every which way I please. I want to be touched and loved, is that so wrong? And maybe get rough at times and dare I say….kinky?

If you are thinking, "Man these novels are getting to her," then you are right.

It has just been so long that I haven't really had sex or any type of intercourse other than the helping hand of myself.

I soon dismiss those thoughts a little after I start to think of them. I'm to busy with work and making sure my son makes it through college to go out and better myself for some man.

Once I had my son at such a young age I made the decision that I would finish high school and go to college and graduate and provide for my son. With all that on my mind I pushed relationships right out of my list of priorities. And damn it, I did a good job. But get the thought that I had been single all of those years out of your head right now. I had boyfriends from time to time, nothing serious and the relationships were always very brief.

But like everything else, I had to put my son first during those relationships. I didn't want to end up like those stereotypical teen mothers and I like to say that I haven't

Now, you probably have been wondering, "Where the hell is the guy that knocked you up at 16?" He's not important. We were dating in high school, a condom broke one night, he wanted me to abort the baby but I didn't and he left me. So that's that. Haven't heard from him since and I really don't care.

A few moments passed and my son still wasn't here. So I shut the book and began to get up. When I set my half full glass on the coffee table, I saw headlights flash from the window and briefly light up the dark living room. Two dark figures were running to the front door so I began jogging as well. I almost forgot it was raining.

As soon as I swung the front door open the two figures rushed into my house soaking wet. Their deep laughs echoed through my home.

"Hey, mama," my son Lucas greeted and hugged me. My smile was wide, I missed my boy. As we pulled away from each other, he motioned to the other guy, I'd say about his age, "This is Nick, my room mate."

I smiled friendly and nodded my head at Nick, "It's very nice to meet you."

"Is it ok for Nick to stay here while we are on our break?"

My smile never left as I stared at the dripping wet boy. His hair was cut short but you could see the hint of curls in places. And he had a little scruff for facial hair. When I landed on his eyes—which were my favorite color, brown—I noticed he was staring right back at me. Well probably because my son had just asked me a question and I still hadn't answered him yet. I was to concentrated on checking out his barely legal friend.

"Ma?" I heard Lucas chuckle and I saw a slight smirk on Nick's lips.

"Oh, y-yeah," damn it, why was it so hard to look away from this guy? "We have plenty of room."

Intently, I watched as Lucas and Nick—mainly Nick—walked up the stairs. When Lucas was out of sight, Nick leaned over the railing and called out, "Thanks Miss, Cyrus," then he winked.

The heat on my face was evident, I'm sure. Now I definitely know it's been way to long since I've been with a man. I'll just shake off the feeling. I'm probably just tired and it doesn't mean anything. Of course it doesn't mean anything, I'm in sweats for crying out loud. Plus, I have no make up on, my hair is tied in a messy bun with loose strands hanging and I'm wearing my reading classes. Purely innocent is exactly what this is. With that as a last thought, I headed up to bed myself.

But the actual last thought I had of him that night wasn't innocent. Really it was the exact opposite.

After a long and arduous day I had finally found the few minutes of privacy I craved. My hormones were jumping and I intended to make the most of my time while I could. I needed a release. Emotionally. Physically. Sexually. To the take my mind off of the stress from my work week.

I slipped my hands inside my black panties and I spread my legs.

Thoughts of him filled my mind making me moist. Only his image made me come these days. Someone I couldn't have. Or rather shouldn't have. Maybe that was the attraction, though deep down I expected there was more to it than that. Much more.

If it were only the body of this man I desired, my feelings probably wouldn't be bothering me quite as much. But I craved more than his body. I longed for his smile , his company, to be surrounded by his joy of life. Damn. I was thinking like some moody-eyed teenager…..OVER A TEENAGER!

But the man was indeed a major hunk . Pure sex appeal. With a dimpled grin. Much to young for me, even though he was technically over the legal age. I probably should forget about him, stay far away and commit to someone most would consider better suited for me. But damn it, I didn't want to. I lightly fingered my clit.

"Mmm." I slid down against the couch cushions. My pussy throbbed. I needed his cock inside me but sadly, I had to settle for my own fingers. Certainly not better physically or sexually but better emotionally. I suffered from hopeless relationships for to long. And logically, I realized that I didn't need another complication in my life right now. But I did need an orgasm. Badly.

I slid my other hand underneath my top and circled my nipples with my finger. "Ah." I squirmed, wishing for so much more. I pulled my hand from my breast, sucked on my fingers, wetting them, then played with my nipple again, pinching and tugging on the bud, spreading moisture over the flesh and creating more erotic images in my mind.

His gorgeous mouth filled my thoughts as I silently spoke to him. Lick me. Everywhere. Oh how I longed to say those words aloud. If only once. To feel his tongue on me, his full lips sucking my nipples, my clit. Yes! I knew it would be an incredible experience.

I relaxed against the arm of the couch, exhausted but satisfied….for now. My chest was slowly going up and down with big breaths. Hell, that was nice. It had just been days since I've had any privacy and I haven't be able to….you know…release all of my frustrations and desires without the fear of being caught.

Lucas and Nick have been at home 24/7 and I've been dealing with work and just all that. But there has been one bright side to this whole dilemma—besides the fact of seeing my son—watching Nick. Observing him and studying him. Most importantly, admiring all of his best assets. He's been the cause of my sexual frustration ever since he'd arrived. And let me tell you, his little 'hints' haven't been all to helpful either.

For instant, whenever I made breakfast, lunch, or dinner and I would call the boys downstairs, he would always touch me right above my but and linger there for a moment while breathing in my ear. Of course that was when I handed him his plate, if it wasn't then that would be weird. Well, you know I wouldn't mind at all. I want him to just fuck me right there on the kitchen counter.

Ok so, I really don't know where the boys are right now but I probably should straighten myself up, just in case. So I fix my panties and skirt and pull down my blouse. When I stand up, I start heading for the kitchen while running my fingers through my hair, trying to fix it the best I could. I haven't even taken a few steps when Nick struts out of the kitchen, shirtless and sweaty.

I think I just had another orgasm.

I stumble to a stop. My eyes are glued to him and I don't even care that I'm staring at his chiseled body. Or his smirk. Is he smirking? Why is he smirking? Then I push my self to smile, realizing I most likely look like a sex craved animal who has just set sight on the most delicious piece of meat they've seen in ages. Well, that's because I am, but he doesn't need to know that.

Oh gosh, he's glistening. That sweat is defining the cuts of his muscles, I just want to lick them. Damn, I need to get a hold of myself. I am walking down dangerous territory and I need to get out.

"Hello Nicholas," could my smile be anymore cheesier. And full name? That's classy and doesn't scream, "I just masturbated on my couch thinking about you," at all. Is that a real quote? I don't know, but for me it is.

Then I nod with my lips folded together and try walking past him, when he stops me. My face is just above his shoulder and I can feel him breathing in my ear.

When he spoke, I think I almost died.

"Do you need any help?" Dear God, save me please. I had to close my eyes because that intense feeling was coming back.

Once I registered what he just said, my heart slowly began to accelerate, "W-what?" I managed.

Then I felt him. His finger grazed the skin just below my bra. I looked down, seeing the scene and noticed that I didn't button my blouse all the way up. I gulped as to what I thought sounded loudly but maybe that was just my heart getting ready to explode. Suddenly his finger started to move upward. Further and further it came to my barely covered breasts that had just been fondled.

And gosh, the hook was in the front!

I held my breath, watching in anticipation as he slowly, oh so painfully slowly, hooked his finger beneath the hook and tugged at it.

Once.

Twice.

It was open and I was revealed to an 18 year old. Damn, I don't care about the age right now. It doesn't matter.

"I was watching you," he said. Then he began undoing the last few buttons on my shirt, "You have to be the sexiest woman I've ever seen."

I felt a lump type substance forming in my throat. I've never felt that before but I've always come across it in my novels so this is a good thing, I'm hoping. Basically, I've been rendered speechless. I was shocked since I expected to be very talkative when this happened not that I was expecting it to but…

The cotton fabric was being pushed from my shoulders and his hands massaged my under my arms. Christ, it felt good. Mix in his touch with his breath hovering over my ear, equals…..I don't even know but it felt like heaven.

"Would you like any help with…" his voice lingered as my bra came completely off, "I would be a willing participant."

Damn, I could here the smirk that was on his lips. But it was sexy as hell. Would you be surprised to hear that I was nervous? I'm sure as hell am. In my imagination this was a lot easier but whenever I was around him I would become nervous. But hearing that he was actually wanting to be with me the way I was him, made me feel….sexy.

But I just couldn't help my self, I had to challenge him, "And what makes you think I want you as much as you think I do?"

He chuckled. Was he mocking me?

"Darling," he started with a 'you can't fool me,' tone, "If you didn't then you would have pulled away by now. Wouldn't you?"

Damn it, curse him for being right. But why did he have to sound so body chilling sexy?

I didn't answer. I was sort of embarrassed now, perhaps even shy so I hung my head far enough that it landed on his shoulder. He chuckled once again then relinquished his hold on my arms and smoothly guided his hands up to my face. I didn't want to look at him but he was cupping my cheeks and pulling my head up.

But I was surprised to say the least. His expression and eyes were different then his tone from before. He stroked the pads of his thumbs across my cheeks and started leaning in. My eyes flickered like a light switch being played with. I looked at his eyes then down to his lips. Oh my gosh, he was getting closer every time I looked. My heart was beating widely. Like an animal banging against its cage.

You know that little voice in the back of your head that tells you this is wrong or right, well mainly wrong? Yeah, mine was annoying as hell. Now, I'm not going to say that my heart was telling me this was right since it was beating really fast. I couldn't think, speak, or move. I was frozen.

And you know that other voice, a particularly loud voice that just screams in your ear from the kitchen and says, "Hey man! Where you at?". Well I heard that to and I was immediately unthawed.

I quickly realized that didn't have to time to put my clothing back on so Nick just ushered me up the stairs, "Go go!" he patted my but like I was child but hey, I liked it.

I ran up all the stairs topless. Gosh, I sort of felt….dirty.

I dashed into my bedroom and slammed the door, leaning against it with heavy quickened breaths, "Gosh, Miley, you are so stupid. Stupid, stupid," I repeated, hitting my forehead. Really I was, if you haven't thought so by now.

"AH!" I screamed, hitting my bed. My teeth were grinding together and hot tears were flooding my eyes.

The satin sheets crumbled underneath my vice grip. My body was shaking due to the screaming chaos in my mind. I couldn't breath nor think causing my heart to beat really loudly. God, I felt pathetic.

I crawled into my bed, curling up into my pillow. Then, the sobs broke free. Body shaking cries. I was whimpering harder than I ever had in my entire life. Hell, I wasn't even mad at Nick, I was ashamed of myself. A grown woman my age stupid enough to put herself out their to a teenager and having these fantasies about him. God, I'm such a loser. He's probably pitying me anyway. I don't have a man, I'm just going to turn into an old lady with a million cats and die all alone!

Smothering my face into the pillow wrapped in my arms, I screamed. I probably sounded like I was choking. Crying violently and screaming isn't a good mix. I'd lost control of everything it felt like. Where'd I go wrong with my life?

Sometime amidst my "mid life crisis" I fell asleep.

Have you ever experienced the feeling of waking up in the middle of the night after you cried yourself to sleep? It is not fun. My eyes felt swelled shut and my muscles were aching. It just made me want to cry some more. I had managed to open my eyes in just a squint to see the time. The read numbers caused a groan to erupt from my dry throat. I rubbed my forehead with my hands then I froze for the second time that night. What felt like an arm was laying over my hip and a hand was softly rubbing my tummy.

I knew it was him. His hands were the best that had ever touched me. They were what I craved for the longest time. The one's in my dreams.

Then his face was nuzzled in the crook of my neck and his breath was hitting just the right spot. The anticipation of his lips being there made my stomach do flips. But then I started to relive the state I was in a few hours ago and I just wanted him off of me.

"Leave me alone," I croak in a whisper, "Please," my voice quivers.

"What do you mean? What's wrong?" He starts rolling me over to face him so I quickly shut my eyes so I don't have to look at him.

"Hey," his voice is gentle and full of concern, making me feel dumber, "Look at me."

I shake my head, trying to push at his broad chest with my small hands. The hot tears are fueling up again and they slip down my burning cheeks. His hands wrap around my wrists and he pulls me toward him. I'm reluctantly brought to his chest and held there. He begins petting my hair and shushing me. God, I feel like such a child. That's not a good feeling when the tables have turned between a 35 and 18 year old.

After a few moments—comfortable ones, surprisingly—the tears finally stopped and he's just holding me. I don't want to more, ever. This is the moment when I want everything to pause. I've never been held like this. Not by any boyfriend or lover.

"Talk to me," he whispers like he is the one in distress.

"I don't know what to say."

"Why were you crying?"

"I just wanted to be left alone," I said, "I told you that."

I felt him shake his head, "No, I heard you tonight. Screaming and crying. Why?"

Without a choice, I snuggle deeper into him. God, he heard me. That's just great.

"Please tell me," he pleads.

I sit up, pulling away from him. For the first time since I woke up, I looked into his eyes. His eyes held pain and concern.

"Why do you care?" Right, why did he care? He's just pitying me. I bet all he wants is experience so he can brag to his friends.

I couldn't look at him anymore. My words seem to hurt him. I stared straight ahead at basically nothing.

Then, what he said next made me break; "I care about you."

I shake my head, my eyes shut, arms crossed over my chest, with my head down, "That's a lie," then my lip does that quiver thing which is embarrassing but right now I don't care, "No one's ever cared enough to love me. No one wants me."

"Now that's a lie," his tone was strong and sounded convincing. His arms circled around my waist, bringing me back toward him, "When I said you were the sexiest woman I'd ever seen, I meant it," he pressed his lips against my jaw, "You're also the most beautiful."

"This is impossible," I huff.

"How so?" He pulls me closer, resting my forehead against his.

"Age," I state simply, in a hushed whisper.

"Is but a number," his eyes show he's ready to defeat the odds.

I smile softy, and genuinely for the first time in ages. We stare into each others eyes, just enjoying the others company. Then I feel his strong hands traveling up my bare back. Then it hits me. I'm still topless.

I immediately blush a fiery red and look down. He chuckles that damned chuckle again.

"Don't" he places his finger under my chin and makes me look back up, "You're perfect."

Then it hit me. I was perfect for him. I didn't need hot passionate sex like in the novels. All I needed was someone who excepted all of me and just wanted to be with me. My age or not.

This could have been better but... -shrugs- I was going to include a huge sex scene and make it a big deal but then I wouldn't have gotten my point across, I don't think. You can follow me on twitter at xRadiatingLovex