My Reason to Live

No one would understand why he would do this.

They would think they could have saved him somehow, but they couldn't. Nothing they did would ease the soul-wrenching, devastating ache he felt in his heart. Pain tore through his bones, anguishing his soul, shattered into a thousand pieces. He couldn't stand one more second of his most miserable existence. When his Muertita was alive, his life was warm and tranquil; she was always in his thoughts. Every moment with her was an eternity of happiness and comfort. Wherever she came to visit him, she would always make him happy and make living down here less depressing. Every moment with her was heaven on hell.

But even with those memories, he had nothing to live for anymore.

With La Muerte no longer among them, his existence was empty… meaningless.

Xibalba took another gulp of wine from the bottle, hoping that the effects of the alcoholic beverage would somehow relieve the pain of his aching heart in some way, but it was like the damn universe was set on seeing him suffer. He had locked away in his private quarters, isolating himself from everything and everyone, refusing to set a foot outside. He didn't want to see anyone. The dark god refused to eat, hoping he would starve himself to death, but Gods couldn't die of hunger, and he knew it.

Xibalba remembered when they first met, as children, under that tree in the Land of the Living. She became his best friend, though he knew he had fallen for her long before he even realized it, he wanted to make her happy and spend as much time with her as possible. He never understood what he did to deserve her love, and yet he had thanked every single moment that she did. He remembered the day they became husband and wife, and then the night she became his, and his alone. They expressed their love that night.

Sure, there were a few setbacks in their marriage since none was perfect. First was their first baby having being born dead, then the misunderstanding in which La Muerte thought her husband cheated on her, their estrangement. But their love was always stronger in the end, and they always reconciled. They always pulled it through as husband and wife.

Two years after their wager involving a love triangle with mortals, La Muerte told him the exciting news… she was pregnant again, the state of the bliss they knew, had been rekindled. Xibalba made sure that her every need was attended to. He was the happiest man in the whole universe. They'd discuss potential names, and wager on who would be a better parent. They laughed about it then, he wished he could laugh about it now. But bow every single moment of joy, every minute of laughter, had been replaced with years of bittersweet memories that would remind him that there would be no more of those moments.

Letting out a scream of pain and sorrow, Xibalba threw the bottle against the wall, and watched as it shattered into pieces, spilling the remainders of the wine unto his wall and floor, but he didn't care anymore. He collapsed unto his knees, and unto his hands, his claws digging unto his carpet, his crow wings collapsing. Cold tears fell unto the carpet like rain.

He didn't understand what went wrong. He was supposed to be a father that day, his wife was supposed to have a beautiful baby. Never shall he forget her screams of pain nor the look on her face as she slowly died. The Gods were supposed to be immortal, but there were very few things that could actually take their life away. Never shall he forget what the physician said. Never shall he forget that his child, his daughter, was born dead. Again. His very being was broken that day. This time not only had he lost his baby, but now also his wife. He screamed, cried, denied it. "She's not dead!" he would yell, but his screams and tears could do nothing to bring his beloved La Muerte back. He couldn't even say goodbye to her, when she was still amongst them, and now he'd have to carry on in her absence in this cruel, merciless world, this life, this hell of an existence. The bitter taste of alcohol seemed to be the only thing that dulled his senses, his pain and anguish. His downward spiral into torture, his sentencing to hell, made it even harder.

She could have, and should have lived. She should have remained with him, and they would have raised their daughter together. They could have watched the world change together. Watched as their daughter had children as well. But that is folly. That is a lie. He had to linger, he had been sentenced to his hell, never to be reunited with his beloved La Muerte, and the daughter he never had the chance to love, embrace.

Xibalba felt like he had died, just like his wife and child. No one could ease his pain through this difficult time, this overwhelming pain that gnawed at his heart and soul, overcame all barriers and left him a broken shadow of what he once was. There was nothing he could do.

He couldn't bear it anymore.

Xibalba shakily stood up, and scanned the room for his snake. "Ponzoña?"

At the sound of his master's voice, the two-headed snake slithered from underneath the bed and close to him; if he was not so broken, Xibalba would have smiled at his beloved pet. He remembered they had been together since birth, he was his first and best friend before meeting his wife, he could even say he was part of him.

And only Xibalba knew that his snake's venom was strong enough to kill even a God.

"My old friend…" Xibalba whispered in a broken voice, stroking one of Ponzoña's heads with great affection.

He heard the Candlemaker, Zipacna, the others gods screaming at him to open the door. Their pleads and yells, but they meant nothing to him. The door was barricaded, only the strongest dark magic could be enough to break it down.

He would leave this world of broken dreams and hopes. He hoped that in the next life(if there was one for Gods), was a better world. A new world where there was no pain, no death, and one with his Muertita.

His duty was to be with his wife.

Two bites. He only needed two bites to silence his pain one and for all.

"Ponzoña… Would you do one last thing for me, old friend?" Xibalba spoke gently, removing one of his gloves, exposing his wrist.

When Ponzoña realized what his master wanted him to do, both heads looked up at him in horror. But as the snake tried to slither away, Xibalba grabbed him with his other hand.

"Por favor…" he begged. "Do this for me. End with my pain, I beg you." Tears streamed down his cheeks as he spoke. "Help me reunite with my Muertita."

The snake hesitated, but his master seemed so sad… he was truly suffering.

Xibalba winced when Ponzoña's two pairs of fangs dug into his wrist, and he felt the cold poison run through his veins. It didn't take long for the venom to start taking effect. The dark god felt his whole body weakening, his blood becoming cold, as he collapsed unto the floor. The yells and screams from his fellow deities outside became lower and lower, until they were nothing more than a whisper. His heartbeat became slower and slower every minute, but in his final moments, Xibalba managed to smile a bit.

"Here I come, mi amor…"

He closed his eyes for the last time.

In the real world, Xibalba snapped his eyes open and he nearly jumped out of bed, his eyes teary, his forehead covered in cold sweat. Alarmed, he quickly flew to his daughter's bassinet in an act of fatherly instinct to make sure she was alive and well; the sound of his wings and his heavy breathing startled Marigold awake from her dreams, causing her to sob and wiggle under her covers.

Letting out a sigh of relief, Xibalba gently took his daughter in his arms and held her close. "Mi niña…" he sobbed, touching her forehead with his, not wanting to let her go. "Mi bebita…"

Marigold felt her father's fear and sorrow, and started to cry, wiggling violently in her covers. Realizing he had awakened his baby for no reason at all, Xibalba bounced her in his arms.

"Shhh… It's okay, mi florecita. I'm papi." Recognizing his voice, Marigold's crying subsided and lowered into sobs, snuggling her face into his chest. "I didn't mean to scare you. I just wanted to see if you were alright…" he chuckled when she started hiccupping and suckled on her pacifier. However, as he was about to lay her down in the cradle, Marigold grabbed unto his bathrobe and sobbed. He tried again, but with the same results. "You're feeling lonely, aren't you?"

Marigold cooed and snuggled deeply into his embrace, which he took as a positive reply. Xibalba sighed and walked around his chambers, cooing at his baby and rocking her back and forth in his arms, his fingers playing with her locks of hair. Marigold happily snuggled into her father's embrace. He stroked her cheek with his thumb lovingly, to make sure she was still there.

He couldn't get the nightmare he just had out of his head. Just thinking about it made him tremble and nearly made his eyes well up with tears once more; he dreamt he had lost both La Muerte and his baby, remaining all alone to stew in his own grief and pain. But what scared him the most was not only that, but the action he had committed.

He had committed suicide in his nightmare.

Before his wife's death, he had never even thought about that word. Those humans who 'off' themselves would end up going to Zipacna's realm to be punished for taking something their lives when they had no right to do so; the Ancient Rules stated, even though the mortals didn't know it, that the Gods gave them life, and only they could take it away. Xibalba wasn't proud to say that after La Muerte died, he actually considered the idea.

In fact, a few times during the two weeks before his bonding with Marigold he did try to 'off' himself, but all his attempts failed; after all, Gods were not like humans, they couldn't simply slice their wrists and bleed to death, or grab a rope and hand themselves from the ceiling. Some even thought it was impossible for a God to take his own life.

Xibalba's snake, however, knew otherwise. He was conscious that his venom was strong enough to kill a God.

However, upon first holding his Marigold in his arms, he realized he just could not do it. Marigold would be all alone in the world, he couldn't do that to her. He had made a promise to his wife that he would always take good care of their child, and he would fulfill that promise. When he was certain Marigold was asleep, Xibalba silently walked towards her bassinet, but as he was about to lay her down she grabbed unto the collar of his bathrobe once more and crunched up her little face.

Xibalba realized she didn't want to be left alone. Letting out a heavy sigh, he went back to bed and shifted so that his daughter was resting on top of his chest, her head resting just over his heart, his back resting against the pillows. Marigold shifted on top of her father's chest, soothed by the sound of his heartbeat.

"I'm glad you were born healthy and normal, mi pequeñita." The dark god whispered, placing his hands on top of his daughter's little body. "I don't know what I would have done if you had been gone too…"

Marigold gurgled in her sleep and flapped her little wings lightly.

"If your mami had taken you with her to heaven, right now I wouldn't have any idea of what to do, or in which direction to go…Your mamá was my reason to live since we were very young. I was always the lonely type when I was a child, in part because the other children feared me. But she didn't…" Xibalba smiled lightly. "She never feared me, she was the only friend I ever had…" he thought for a moment. "Well, actually I had Ponzoña too, and your uncle Zipacna before he left, but you know what I mean… Then we grew up and the whole hormonal process spiced things up, we realized we had feelings for each other, and when we grew up I proposed to her… She made me the happiest man in the world when she said yes. Even during the time we grew estranged, she still meant the world to me." His eyes swelled up with tears. "When she died, it was one of the most painful moments in my life…"

Marigold started to wiggle in his hold and sobbed.

"sh-sh-sh. Hush, mi pedacito de cielo." Xibalba cooed, patting Marigold's back gently. "What happened wasn't your fault, papi was just angry and sad that time and he wouldn't listen to reason. But what they said was true, mi florecita, you're all I have now. We have to stick together no matter what, we only have each other." Marigold calmed down and relaxed atop her father's chest, his heartbeat lulling her back to sleep. Xibalba smiled and pulled her closer to him, his wings wrapping over them like a blanket as he planted a kiss on Marigold's little head. "Que sueñes con los angelitos, mi florecita.

He watched his little one sleep on top of his chest, her back rising and lowering from her breathing, her wings hanging form her back; she'd shift in his embrace every now and the, nuzzling against him; soon, his eyelids were heavy, and his breathing synchronized with hers. Soon, Xibalba joined his child in the world of dreams.

They were in a beautiful meadow.

Sitting under the shade of a Yule tree surrounded by endless, blossoming flowers beneath a sunny blue sky, Xibalba played with his baby, shaking her rattle just above her little head, smiling as she giggled and reached out her little hands for it. He didn't think she'd actually like the rattle he crafted for her, but he was glad she did. The chirping and singing of the birds, the gentle breeze and the grasshoppers doing their summer chorus had a relaxing effect on the both of them. After a while, Marigold finally caught the 'head' of the rattle, and nibbled on it. Xibalba chuckled, allowing his daughter to take the rattle and watched in amusement as she nibbled on it. The dark god gently plucked a red beautiful red flower from the grass and adorned Marigold's hair with it; the bright color caught her attention, and she tried to grab one of its petals, letting out coos and gurgles.

"It's a beautiful flower, just like you, mi florecita." Xibalba whispered to her, stroking her cheek softly.

A butterfly fluttered towards them from the flowers in the meadow, attracted by the flower on Marigold's hair; the young goddess stared at the critter fluttering over her head curiously, and grew intrigued when it landed on top of her nose to 'lick' at her sugary skin. Xibalba couldn't help but laugh softly at the sight, and watched amusingly as Marigold smiled and tried to catch the butterfly, causing it to flutter away from her grasp.

He could not be happier than this.

In the real world, both Xibalba and Marigold were smiling in their sleep.