Title: A Not-So-Typical Day or A Deliberately Bad Fanfic
By: Sadie
Category: Parody/Humour
Pairing: Sam/Jack
Rating: PG13 (for references to death, violence, and sex.)
Season: 7 (After Chimera, before Heroes)
Spoilers: Meridian and Chimera are the big ones.
Disclaimer: I write not because I hate this show. Instead it's because I absolutely adore it! Showtime/Viacom, Sci-Fi Channel US, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions and Gekko Productions this is a product of love (between the parts where Daniel dies).
Summary: "Daniel had only died once (mistranslating an alien device), but was feeling remarkably better. There was still hope that he would manage to die again –it was only lunchtime, after all."
Author Note: There has always been a list floating in my head of things I promised myself I would never do when writing a fanfic. And then during a lecture (instead of paying attention to Physics… can you blame me?) I thought to myself, "What if for one fanfic, I decided that I would do some of those unspeakable things!" Only some, because there are things on the list that would be sacrilegious to put in a fanfic –awful spelling and grammar for example. This parodies the quirks of the Stargate Universe and is what I call a "deliberately bad fanfic". Hopefully you'll enjoy this silly piece of fan fiction. -S
Original Summary: "Pete's dead! Sam and Jack have sex in the armory! Sam n' Jack 4ever!" A strange little parody.
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It was a typical day at the SGC.
So far, Sam had saved the world twice, figured out the Grand Unified Theory of Physics, and managed to set the clock on the common room VCR.
Daniel had only died once (mistranslating an alien device), but was feeling remarkably better. There was still hope that he would manage to die again –it was only lunchtime, after all.
(Teal'c, although an integral part of the team, was suspiciously absent. No reason for his disappearing act was given, but his friends weren't too concerned. Teal'c was often forgotten about.)
The Colonel was practicing his sarcastic comebacks and the appropriate facial expressions –not everyone was a professional actor. Jack had learned a long time ago that Goa'ulds wouldn't allow for second attempts on these sorts of things. Because, lets face it, when the team wasn't off-world facing a life and death situation, Jack's job description was plan and simple: either make a nuisance of himself or follow Sam Carter around like a lovesick puppy. Sometimes he managed to do both at the same time.
Jack looked hard at the mirror, nostrils flaring: "Oh for crying out loud!"
Not entirely satisfied with his performance, he tried again, this time rolling his eyes: "Oh for cryyying out loud!" Much better.
Unfortunately his practice was interrupted from shouting out in the corridor. (Impressive. He was pretty sure these steel doors were supposed to be soundproof.) It sounded like Daniel and… Pete? With a hatred that he really didn't understand, the Colonel bolted out the door. A gunshot marked his exit.
Daniel had decided to go to Sam's lab. She always had the really dangerous alien devices, and Daniel wanted to try and make it two for two.
Sam was hunched over her desk, muttering to herself. Not for the first time, Daniel was overwhelmed with the brotherly love he had for Sam, and how her and Jack would be perfect for each other, if it weren't for those pesky regulations! Pete, some other guy that Daniel didn't really know but was already bias against, was another obstacle. Somehow, Pete needed to get out of the picture so that Jack could slip in.
With that thought in mind, Daniel walked into Sam's office, and promptly electrocuted himself.
Sam, hearing Daniel's body fall to the ground, finished the Rubik's cube and walked over the intercom.
"Janet, you better come down here. Daniel's killed himself again."
Doctor Janet Fraiser and a nurse appeared in the doorway less then twenty seconds later.
"I was just around the corner," Janet said, explaining her speedy entrance. "I've been following Daniel for the last half an hour or so. I figured he was going to drop any second."
Janet had just finished checking his pulse (or lack thereof), when Daniel's body was enveloped in a golden light. Angels sang. It was quite the spiritual experience. Janet started her stopwatch. Five minutes, twenty three seconds and forty seven milliseconds later, Daniel Jackson was back on the ground, very much alive. He was getting better and better at ascending and descending himself everyday.
"No tests, Janet," groaned Daniel, taking the hand Sam offered to help him up.
Janet moped and stuck her tongue out at him. Grabbing her first aid kit, she nodded to her nurse, and left in a huff. The nurse stayed for an extra few minutes, and starred at the archeologist, lust plain on her features. Daniel sighed (and the nurse sighed love-sickly). Daniel glared at the blushing nurse; he really hated it when they did that.
"What's up, Daniel?" asked Sam.
Daniel didn't know what to say –his main reason for coming was already taken care of.
Second item on the list then. "I don't think Pete's right for you."
"I know."
"You know?"
"Yeah."
"And I think Jack's in love with you."
"Anything else?"
"No, that's it."
"I'll see you in an hour for lunch?"
"Sure." And then Daniel left her to go back to his own lab.
In the hallway, Daniel found himself face to face with Pete, who was holding a beautiful bouquet of flowers and a gun. (Not both in the same hand, different hands. Holding both in the same hand would require skill and precision that Pete really didn't have.) Daniel also happened to notice that the killing end of the gun was pointing his way. (Damn it! Hadn't he died enough for one typical morning?!)
"I break into a top secret facility, which happens to have the tightest security possibly on Earth to ask Samantha to marry me," he sobbed, "And I find out that she doesn't think I'm right for her!" (The last part was wailed, with a cracking of his voice that Daniel particularly admired.)
"I'm sorry. It's just that her and Jack belong together. The ending can't be 'Sam and Pete lived happily ever after'. It just doesn't work that way." He really felt sort of bad for this recent love interest of Sam's. Usually they were put out of their misery long before they got to this point.
However, Pete was inconsolable and shot Daniel for his evil words. Sam, with her perfect timing, walked out into the corridor to witness the terrible act.
"DANIELLLL!" she screamed. He would come back to life, but that wasn't the point!
The Colonel also chose that particular moment to make his entrance (Sam and him tended to work in sync like that).
Pete looked at the two Air Force officers with eyes filled with madness. "You never loved me, did you Sam." He shouted, waving the gun around half-hazardly. The flowers were also thrust around for extra effect. "It was always Jack O'Neill. Wasn't it?"
Sam looked away from the burning glaze of the lunatic that was once her boyfriend. It was really quite terrible that things wouldn't work out between them. But as it always was in life or death situations, she looked at her commanding officer and knew that she could never imagine herself with anyone other ----
((I find it necessary as the author of this work to disrupt the entire flow of this story by inserting my own personal remarks in these parentheses, because I know you never read the author notes at the beginning of the fanfic. Ship, ship, ship, ship, squee, ship, squee. Sam 'n Jack 4ever!))
"What were we talking about, sir?" asked Carter, casually wiping her hands of Pete's blood onto her pants.
Jack's forehead creased in thought –he really couldn't remember! It seemed ages ago. He dropped the gun he was holding. (There were no more bullets in the clip. How had that happened?) Oh well. "Wanna have sex in the armory?" he suggested, wagging his eyebrows.
Sam looked absolutely mortified at the idea. "But sir! What about the regulations? I know you love me, and I love you, but consummating our love is an entirely different matter!"
While they argued about whether or not to have sex, the SFs arrived and took away Pete's lifeless body. Daniel also ascended and descended successfully for the third time that day, and soon found himself dragged away from the entertaining sex talk by the nurse earlier mentioned.
It was Hammond that eventually broke up the argument.
The Colonel was still defending his point of view when the General arrived. "Nobody would have to know we were having sex---sir!"
"Colonel, Major," he interrupted the star-crossed pair. "I just got off the phone with the President."
"Of the United States?" asked Jack.
"No," Hammond deadpanned, "The President of Canada."
"Oh, so the person who's really in charge," Jack said knowingly.
"I thought that Canada had a Prime Minister?" asked Carter. Hammond and the Colonel looked at each other, looked at Carter, and laughed. It just goes to show that Carter really didn't know everything!
"Anyway," said Hammond between chuckles, "The President rewrote all the fraternization regulations. They now all say 'excluding Colonel Jack O'Neill and Major Samantha Carter'."
"So we can get married?" "So we can have sex!" said Sam and Jack respectively.
"So long as neither of you ever gets promoted," remarked Hammond. And then after giving the union his own personal blessing, went to go call his grandchildren in his office.
"Like I'm ever going to be promoted to General," snorted Colonel O'Neill.
Then the wonderful "Sam and Jack Shipper theme" played over the loud speakers in the abandoned hallway. Sam and Jack had sex in the armory and then in many different places (Sam's lab, the briefing room table, and on the gate ramp –no place was safe). And then (wait for it!)… Sam and Jack lived happily ever after.
(Until they were both promoted and then court-martialed for breaking the fraternization regulations. Their situation only worsened when the cover up of Pete Shanahan's murder was exposed. But that's another fanfic.)
End
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Hopefully I made someone smile out there. Please Review. -S