A/N: this is for Misura, who asked so nicely. One day I swear I'll get round to writing a Dido songfic with a positive ending!
I'm not entirely sure what I think of this pairing, but it 'felt' right for the song. Omi's torn between staying in a bad relationship and risking a broken heart. He's in love, but he's also in pain, and he doesn't know how to tell Yohji that.
Every time I see the word 'queen' I cringe, but there's nothing else that fits. If you want to think of Omi as a drag queen, go ahead, it'll lighten the fic up a bit ^_^
Disclaimers: The song 'hunter' belongs to Dido and the characters to Weiss Kreuz. I've run out of creative ways to say neither is mine and I'm making no money, so this is a rather dull disclaimer, I'm afraid.
Warnings: angst, Yohji/Omi, OOCness that's (hopefully) vaguely justifiable…
With one light on in one room, I know you're up when I get home
With one small step upon the stair, I know your look when I get there
Omi's feet were heavy as he stumbled up the stairs. His back hurt were he'd been caught a glancing blow and a bullet had left a scorched trail on one shoulder after a frighteningly near miss. Maybe he ought to give in, tell Yohji 'you win' and let himself be cared for and coddled. At times like this quitting was particularly tempting.
But part of him denied that so vehemently Omi was almost convinced he enjoyed his work. He'd groaned aloud when he saw the light in his apartment, something he felt certain wasn't a sign of a healthy relationship. He… well, he loved Yohji, didn't he? But some of these feelings didn't seem like they fit with that, the resentment and anger. Was he really only clinging to Kritiker because Yohji wanted him to quit? Was he that spiteful?If you were a king up there on your throne, would you be wise enough to let me go
For this queen you think you own
Omi leant on the wall next to the door of his apartment. He did love Yohji. Honest. And he knew Yohji loved him back. The older man wouldn't be nearly so protective otherwise. But sometimes… sometimes he felt more like a son than a lover. A child to be cared for and kept safe. He was an assassin, dammit, and an adult. If Yohji couldn't accept that…
Wants to be a hunter again, wants to see the world alone again
Omi swallowed. Here he was, standing outside the door of his apartment, knowing his worried boyfriend was waiting for him inside, and he was thinking of ending it. It was turning into an increasingly common situation, and that was what bothered Omi most.
To take a chance on life again, so let me go
Yohji was killing Omi, smothering him to death. Yohji loved him was such a burning passion that the flames were blinding him to Omi's plight. When it had started it had been so good, felt so wonderful. No one had loved Omi like that, no one had been so caring and so concerned. Yohji would never have left him to kidnappers. Yohji would have come blazing in and swept Omi off his feet like some Japanese Indiana Jones.
It wasn't that Omi had ceased to want that. Each day he woke, overjoyed in the knowledge that he was loved. And he loved Yohji back. Really.
Why was it the more times he thought that the more it sounded like a lie?
The unread book and painful look, the TV's on, the sound is down
Omi pushed open the door and surveyed the room. Yohji was sitting on the couch, trashy magazine dangling limply in one hand, television muted, sofa turned towards the door. Omi wondered how long he'd been waiting. He knew that if Manx hadn't specified a singe person mission Yohji would have gone with him, and he knew that if it hadn't involved so much computer work Yohji would never have let him go in the first place. It had been touch and go as it was, but Omi had had a quiet word to Manx before hand, begging her not to let Yohji get his way again. Guilt coiled in his gut at the idea of going behind his boyfriend's back like that.
One long pause, then you begin, "oh look what the cat's brought in," snarled Yohji. "A Bombay kitten. It's probably got fleas, perhaps we ought to put it back out."
"Ouch," Omi protested.
"You should have been back over an hour ago!" Yohji snapped at him, standing sharply. "Where have you been? Who have you been with?"
Omi's large eyes widened. "I… was injured," he admitted reluctantly. The speed with which Yohji went from irrational jealousy to overblown concern justified that reluctance, at least in Omi's mind. "I took me a little longer to get back."
Yohji grabbed him and pulled his shirt off none too gently, as desperate to confirm Omi's story as he was to start treating the wounds. A huge bruise in Omi's back was the result of being hit by a chair and the burn on his shoulder throbbed angrily. Yohji snatched up a first aid kit and started applying, making soothing noises and kissing less tender skin to comfort a boy who didn't need it. Omi closed his eyes.
~~~
He jerks away. "Enough," he snaps. "I can do this on my own, Yohji. I don't need you or anyone else fussing over me like one of Ken's soccer kids when they scrape their knee!" He regrets his outburst immediately, but a small shard of triumph shoots guilty pains through his heart. He had wanted, no, needed, to say that for so long.
"I love you, Omi," Yohji protests, falling back, stunned. "I just want you to be safe."
"I know," Omi sighs. "I know you do, but sometimes I don't want to be safe, Yohji. Sometimes I just want to be free."
If you were a king up there on your throne, would you be wise enough to let me go
For this queen you think you own
Wants to be a hunter again, wants to see the world alone again
"Free?" Yohji voice is laced with hurt and suspicion. "Of… me?"
Omi swallows, unable to meet Yohji's eyes. "Sometimes."
"Is there someone else?" Yohji asks quietly.
"No, Yohji. There's barely even me," Omi says bitterly.
To take a chance on life again, so let me go, let me leave
"I don't understand," Yohji protests. "What do you mean, there's barely even you?"
"You're smothering me, Yohji. I'm not some innocent happy little boy. I'm a mature, adult assassin. I'm going to get in danger, Yohji, and it hurts that you don't trust me to get myself out again."
"I do trust you," Yohji objects.
"You immediately assumed I'd been cheating on you," Omi retorts angrily. His rejoinder stings an already ashamed Yohji. "I can't be this person you want me to be. You can't look after me all the time, you can't watch me every second. You have to trust me and you have to accept me for who I am, not who you think I am."
For the crown you've placed upon my head feels too heavy now
"I'm sorry, Omi. It's just, of all of us, you're the most innocent. You know you are. I just want to keep you from getting 'spoilt'. The world's a miserable place." Yohji stares at his hands. "If you say it's over…" he begins miserably.
"No," Omi yelps. "No, it's not over. I love you, Yohji. I just need you to understand that I'm already 'spoilt'. I just need you to trust me."
"I just need you," Yohji tells him candidly. "I don't know what I'd do without you. I'm sorry if I stuck you on some pedestal, I'm sorry if I put you in a gilded cage, I'm sorry if I haven't been as trusting as you like. It's just, when I imagine life without you something in me goes cold and hard and dies."
"I need you too, Yohji. Just, try and give me a little breathing space, okay?" Omi sits down again and lets Yohji finish his ministrations.
"Of course," Yohji tells him.
And I don't know what to say to you but I'll smile anyhow
And all the time I'm thinking, thinking
~~~
Omi sat and patiently let Yohji apply cream and bandages, lost in his macabre fantasy. He smiled distantly at his boyfriend as the older man fussed and fretted over him. Inside he felt sick.
It wouldn't end like that, Omi knew. It would merely end. If he said what he thought he'd push the only person who ever loved him out of his life. He squashed his resentment and pain into the same place he had squashed his regret at killing his brothers and his anguish at his father's rejection. Yohji loved him. He loved Yohji. That ought to be enough. It wasn't, and never would be.
He could be loved and trapped, or lonely and free. It didn't seem fair, he was miserable either way. When had love ceased to be enough?
I want to be a hunter again, want to see the world alone again
To take a chance on life again, so "let me go" Omi murmured as he slept that night.
Yohji wept.
Okay, random daydream sequence in the middle in the present tense. Does that work or is it just annoying? Sorry if Yohji seems a bit OOC in it, it's supposed to be Omi's idealised Yohji. They're as bad as each other.
Sorry if it confused anyone when I randomly incorporate the lyrics into speech. I just didn't want to repeat what had already been said. This turned out to be a bit more awkward to write around than I had originally thought, since the song hints that nothing ever actually gets said about how trapped the singer is feeling, but taking the lyrics singly it sounds like it ought to. Hence random 'what if' sequence.
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