A beautiful red-head elven woman with long golden locks strode confidently and powerfully with small dainty pretty steps in to the room. Her vivaciously sparklingly vivid emerald green eyes scanned the room, showing off her air of powerfulness. Her beautiful flowing white robes and fantastically long pole with a glowing end marked her status as Head Wizard while her crown revealed her status as King of the White City.

Everyone in the Hobbit hole craned their necks up to her petite, feminine and extraordinary height as she fluttered her black as midnight eyelashes in a way that only a Lady more ravishing and magical than Lady Galadriel could do.

Aragorn walked in and took one look at this angel of beauty, cast away his sloppy and trampesque was-once-his-one-true-love-who-gave-up-her-immortality-for-him half elf wench knelt done before this vision of Arian beauty with deep ocean blue eyes and blushing red lips and said "I want to have your baby".

"Are you not going to ask who I am?" the siren with the body of a waxed goddess enquired with a voice sweeter than sugar coated, syrup flavoured toffee and honey ice-cream with a gooey fudge centre "No matter. One as important as I really should be announced at entry, but what the hell, now I can truly say that I have done, said and seen everything." She paused for dramatic effect and opened her voluptuous peachy pink lips and revealed her name in a husky, sexy and seductive tone.

(Taking a deep breath) "My name is Ellesain Etheldoor Honeyblossom Gabbana Sony Agatha (shortened to Aggie) Dolce Donna Karen Kalvin (named after my uncle you know… he was a dwarven war priest and wizard as well as King I'm still better than him though) Bella Paris Jordan Hilton Simpson Lois Grumpy Dopey Doc Sleepy Bullfrog (My father was a hippy… and an avid computer gamer) Spears Posh Baby Scary Sporty Ginger (It matches my hair don't you think?) Gandalfa Bilbus Kleenex Souronette Cinnamon Frodoca Tiger Lily Pocahontas Snow Aurora White Brown Blair."

After looking around at the dumbstruck villagers around her Ellesain Etheldoor Honeyblossom Gabbana Sony Agatha Dolce Donna Karen Kalvin Bella Paris Jordan Hilton Simpson Lois Grumpy Dopey Doc Sleepy Bullfrog Spears Posh Baby Scary Sporty Ginger Gandalfa Bilbus Kleenex Souronette Cinnamon Frodoca Tiger Lily Pocahontas Snow Aurora White Brown Blair said:

"You can call me Janet." With a look in her eyes which said "If you do I will summon uncle Sauron to kill you and you family"

After this breath taking, oxygen stealing, life wasting display Legolas wandered in dressed in the green armour of an elven prince, "Well who are you then?" he said in a smitten lovestruck kicked puppy whimpering and simpering voice.

"I am Ellesain... "

Please not now! I have just got back from the pub and I have heard your name two

times too many.

"How dare you!"

How dare I do what?

"Interrupt a lady while she is introducing herself!"

I'm the narrator! I will do what I bloody well please (hic!)

"Right that is it. You and me outside now!"

Minutes pass and the silence is broken finally by the sound of 47 gunshots, the repeated "thwack" of a wooden staff, the blast of an H-bomb and a very nasty kick in the balls.

The door swings open and (hushed tones) "Janet" ( pastel tones…nope… skin tones…don't think so…Baritone? Definitely not…screw it…loud voice again) and wipes bloody, but still incredibly feminine and well manicured, hands on Legolas's sweaty, muscular washboard stomach and walks over to Eowyn, pulls out a knitting needle and pops the silicon implants underneath her leather armour making them deflate like cheap helium balloons. As the princess whizzes around the room with a high pitched screeching sound Gandalf walks in and says

"Saruman has betrayed the council! We are at war!"

Janet (Oi! I heard that!!!) flicks her blonde hair in the general direction of Gandalf

and giggles girlishly. "Come here big boy" she mouths in a pseudo-erotic way.

Gandalf takes one look at Janet (this is really getting annoying, having to whisper our protagonist's real name) and sighs. "Haven't we done this before?" the wizened old wizard shakes his beard. (Arthritis has prevented neck movement.)

"Yeah but a girl as fantastically powerful and beautiful and wonderful and intelligent and amazing and … (1 hour later) … and ravishing and spellbinding … (another hour passes) and literate and well read and ginormasly attractive and … (zzzzzzz) … the defeater of Smaug and … ( sorry I zoned out) … rode through waterfalls and elven fortresses in a barrel of mouldy apples … (losing the will to live) … crossing the bridge of Kazar Dum and… (loading ammo into shotgun) … defeating the Balrog of Morgoth …"

Bang!

"Well I think that has got to be the first time a Mary Sue has ever been killed by a narrator." Gandalf pondered as he wiped the golden blood of a unicorn off of his robe after the justified, yet sad (giggle), murder of a protagonist.

Aragorn took one look at the wizard and asked a question which he had wanted to ask for nearly four hours of babbling.

"Why weren't you attracted to her as we were? What mighty magicks were you using for such resistance? Was it that mighty Flame of Arnor again?"

"Hell no" the wizard replied. "It's the same reason Harry Potter wouldn't have fallen for her wily charms."

"Oh. So she was really Voldemort and you have a lightning scar underneath you beard."

Gandalf nods and ends the conversation with this last comment. "Well yes… partly. But … well mainly because I'm Gay."

Legolas takes one look at Gandalf and smiles a warm smile and edges towards the white robed man. "Wait a moment. Are you also saying that our childhood Upper Earth saviour is a Gay?"

Gandalf sighs and says, "He wears a set of Dress Robes! What can you expect?"

Aragorn nods one his all too few knowing looks and mutters.

"Fair enough. Cant ague that point."