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A Matter of Trust
"I don't think I can do it."
"Because you think you're not strong enough?"
"No, that's not why."
"Then why? Because you're afraid you won't be able to control your phasing ability? You don't trust yourself enough to…"
"No, I know what I can do. I'm aware of the capabilities of my powers. I just think that trying to isolate the miniature brain wave emitter in Brennan's brain stem will be almost impossible to distinguish, especially as it has already started to attach itself to his system. "
"Well, that's where I come in. With me riding shotgun when you're using your powers I should be able to help you 'read' Brennan and…"
"Yeah, that's the part I'm worried about.
"What? I've scanned Brennan. I'm sure I'll be able to recognize the emitter. And I'll essentially be in your head when you phase, so…"
"Emma, to be honest, I'm not sure I want you in my head."
Silence.
'Wha…?"
"I remember what you did in Kovakhstan. How you broadcast that pulse of fear. And how you erased my memory afterwards."
Silence. Then…
"When…?"
"I had a nightmare a couple of days after we returned. I've been waiting for you to come talk to me. To admit what you'd done. And you never did."
Tense moments slipped by as Jesse stared at Emma, who had turned away and was watching the water cascade into the pool. Finally…
"I… you were… I didn't want…"
"What? What didn't you want? For me to compromise the mission because I was literally paralyzed with fear? Or maybe you didn't want me to remember that you're that powerful, that you can broadcast whatever you want to whomever you want, at full strength? Cause I haven't seen you owning up to your new skills to Adam or to any of us."
At that, Emma looked up, studied Jesse's face, searched his cool, icy eyes. His eyes said he was angry, said he was disappointed, said he was distrustful. But he wasn't frightened, he didn't seem scared. And he was waiting for an explanation.
Emma took a deep breath. Held it. Let it out. And began.
"There wasn't enough time. You were on the ground from the fear pulse, and you… you looked up at me afraid. And I … and we needed to get out of there a.s.a.p. so I erased your memory and you got up and into the Helix as if nothing had happened."
"Try again. The real reason this time."
Emma was momentarily taken aback. She was the one who could read people, who knew when someone was not telling the whole truth. Jesse was looking at her steadily, still waiting.
She started again.
"You were on the ground, knocked down from the pulse, and you were staring up at me, afraid. And you looked afraid, not of what I'd sent, but afraid of me, afraid of what I'd done, of what I was capable of doing. And I couldn't stand it. I didn't want you to look at me in fear. I didn't want to see that look in your eyes. And there wasn't any time to deal with it... we needed to be outta there… so I… I erased that memory. I couldn't bear seeing you look at me like that, and it was the easiest way. And when we were back…"
"Why didn't you tell me what you'd done? I would have understood. I…"
"Would you have? Really? Do you understand now? I don't think you do. I had a very short time in which to act. I made a split-second decision to erase a memory to move us both past the moment. I did it to protect you from the memory and to protect myself. And I would probably do it again if the situation arose. I don't regret doing it. What I do regret is not coming to you afterwards to tell you, but I was afraid. Afraid of what you'd think, afraid you'd blame me, afraid you'd look at me with that fear in your eyes again." Emma paused. "And I didn't think you remembered, so I was off the hook."
Jesse was silent, digesting what he'd heard.
"First you, now Brennan." Jesse sighed and turned away.
"What?"
"Brennan doesn't trust me either. You don't trust me to believe in you, to help you with you new powers or to keep them a secret if need be. Brennan doesn't trust me to watch his back. He'd rather work with that kid we took underground last week, the one who has impenetrable skin, than me."
"Jesse, it's not that I don't trust you…"
"No, that's exactly what it is. But I don't understand why. I mean I know that skill-wise, I'm the only one that has defensive powers, that has powers with limits. I know I can't fully use my powers to fight someone else without fear of killing them, and that I can only provide a human shield until I run out of air, but I thought that I had proven myself to you and Bren, I thought that I added something to this team, but Shalimar is the only one who trusts me…"
"I do trust you, Jesse, I do. I didn't trust myself. And because I couldn't believe in myself, because I knew I'd done the wrong thing by not telling you, I couldn't bring myself to believe that you'd understand. But I do trust you. I mean you saved us all by phasing us and the Helix. I mean we trusted you to phase us and the Helix and put us all back together. And Brennan does trust you."
"No, he doesn't. He doesn't remember saying it, but it had to come from somewhere. And he only pointed out what I've always known. My power does have built-in weaknesses, it does leave me vulnerable, and I wouldn't want to be standing behind me in minute five when I finally need to take a breath. But I've found ways to work around my limits. I've worked to expand my lung capacity, to hold my breath longer. I've practiced my fighting skills, so even if I can't mass or phase I can still help even the odds in a fight. And I think I hold my own. That I contribute. If I didn't think I was adding anything to the team, I'd leave, for all of our sakes, but I do. I know I do, and I don't know where this comes from or why you don't trust me."
"I can't speak for Brennan, but I do trust you. I …"
"Since Brennan can't speak for himself at the moment, why don't you hold this discussion until he can join in, hmmm?" Shalimar had come up behind them quietly, as only a feral can. "And we will have this discussion, but first we need to save Brennan. And to do that you two need to move past this and work together. And you need to do it now. Brennan doesn't have a lot of time. Adam says the longer that thing is in his head, the harder it will be to remove."
"I know that Shal, but Emma doesn't trust me, and to be honest, I'm not sure if I can trust her. I…"
"Look, Jess, I know she did something underhanded, but she had her reasons, and I trust her. And you can trust her too…"
"But how can I…"
"You can trust her the way I trusted you in the beginning, the way we trusted Adam. One moment at time. Trust her on this. She wants to save Brennan as much as you do. And when you're done, you trust her on the next mission, and when that's done you keep going. And we'll corner Brennan and make him talk and we'll see what he has to say. But right now we need to do this. So trust me, if you can't trust her. It will work. You two can do this. Please?"
Jesse stared into his best friend's eyes, looked deeply into the soul of the one person he could trust unconditionally. And nodded.
"Ok. Let's do this."
Shalimar breathed a sigh of relief and motioned for Jesse to precede her to the Med Lab. She stopped Emma as she was about to follow.
"I'm trusting you not to hurt him, and not to screw this up. Don't make me regret it."
Emma's sarcastic rejoinder died on her lips when she saw that Shalimar was deadly serious.
"I won't. I wouldn't. Not for anything."
Shalimar nodded and followed Emma up the stairs.
Jesse was standing beside the diagnostic chair as the women walked in. Adam was hovering anxiously on the other side. He looked up from where he was monitoring Brennan's condition. Brennan was lying motionless in the chair. The brain wave emitter that he had been infected with had caused him so much pain that Adam had had to sedate him. Which was fortunate as it would make this next phase of his treatment easier on all involved.
"Ok, Emma, I suggest you stand behind Jesse so that Jesse can concentrate on phasing Brennan away from the implant. You shouldn't touch Jesse unless you need to, to establish contact, because if you do he'll have to phase you along with himself and Brennan."
Emma moved to stand behind Jesse. Shalimar took up a stance on the other side of the chair directly across from Jesse. She made sure not to touch Brennan although she wanted desperately to touch his hand, his face, to reassure herself that he would be ok. He had to be ok.
"Ok, Emma scan Brennan for the emitter, and then show it to Jesse."
Emma closed her eyes and concentrated on Brennan, looking with her mind for the intrusion that didn't belong. She quickly homed in on it and then mentally turned to Jesse to show him what she's seen.
She ran smack dab into the thickest mental walls she'd ever seen.
"Jesse, you have to let me in. I promise I won't take any memories, read you mind or do anything but show you how to help Brennan. Please you have to let me in. We have to do this. For Brennan."
Jesse didn't look at Emma. He looked across Brennan to Shalimar, standing there gazing back at him. Solid and dependable as always. And he knew that he could trust her, and through her, Emma, and he deliberately relaxed his mental guard and let Emma in.
He stiffened initially at the contact, but Emma didn't send any soothing waves or try to calm him down she just showed him her mental picture of Brennan and the 'wrongness' that was the emitter.
Jesse studied the mental picture and held onto the image as he took a deep breath and phased. He concentrated on phasing himself, Brennan and the diagnostic chair, but not the emitter. A second later he heard a clank of metal hitting the floor as the emitter lost its hold on Brennan.
Jesse released his breath and let go of both his phased state and Brennan.
"It worked. It worked." Shalimar was exuberant. She looked joyfully into Jesse's eyes. "You did it! It worked!"
"No, Shal, we did it."
The tremulous smile he gave Emma, who was still at his back, was the best thing Shalimar had seen all day.
FIN