CHAP ONE

He'd led his friends to their deaths, even if it was just an illusion in a training simulation. He went in knowing that no one would get out, but he did what he had to do. He couldn't think of any other options, and he tried, God did he try, but he wasn't Batman. He did his best to think of everything, but so many people Dick loved were dead. Maybe somewhere deep down he knew that if he didn't go along with the plan he would lose everyone else. Maybe his plan had been just a selfish act to spare himself and his team from more pain. Besides, how can sacrificing your friends not break "rule number one"?

No. They volunteered. But he had lied to get them to…

The thoughts built up in his head and before long there were too many of them; fighting for dominance, all swearing they were the truth. Filling his head to the point of tears and closing his throat and he could taste blood seeping into his mouth from where his teeth bit into his lip. The pressure was too much and he needed a release.

He decided to think about something simpler, like the pack of cigarettes in his shirt pocket. They weren't his, of course, but that didn't mean he'd never smoked before; once when he was seven and curious, and Mr. Hailey had set his down to deal with something. Dick then mimicked what he had seen countless people do a hundred times and regretted it immediately. He burst into tears and nearly caught a tent on fire when he dropped the cigarette. Then he smoked again, just a few months ago, to try and get Roy's attention.

Roy had been avoiding all of them for the most part since the team was formed. He was still mad that he was the only one who walked out of the Hall of Justice on the 4th of July. Dick had tried to hang out several times since then but he kept being blown off. It was certainly a new experience and not one he actually knew how to deal with. Which was strange because he always assumed he could deal with anything and everything. It stung like Hell but Roy just wasn't cooperating, so Dick decided to scare Roy into paying attention. He bought a pack from some kids behind the school and suffered through one full cigarette, but Roy hadn't seemed to notice. Dick figured he must not smell enough like tobacco to notice, and he sat through the entire pack to no avail. Bruce on the other hand had noticed, and Dick clamored to give a shoddy explanation about being in a room full of smoke. It worked (somehow), but Dick decided to up his cologne none the less.

Once he made it through the pack though, his fake addiction became a real one. Maybe deep down he knew it would happen, but he was just trying to get his friend back, and he convinced himself it was worth it. Well it was too late now even if it wasn't. He liked to think could quit if he wanted to, but then again if that were the case, he wouldn't be reaching into his shirt pocket for Chey's pack.

Is it theft if you bought them, and it's already illegal to own them? He couldn't help but wonder. Probably not, giving a slight unconscious shrug and placed the cigarette between his teeth.

"You taking my cigs, boy wonder?"

Cheyenne's sweet, yet hard voice bounced off the Pines that surrounded them. Cheyenne Freemont had almost all the students at school lusting after her. Her blood red hair, nothing like Barbra's or Wally's whose hair was closer to orange, framed her slim face in a bob-like cut. The left side of her hair was slightly longer than the right, with a blue streak running down it. The blue in her hair, oddly enough, brought out the opaque green in her eyes. Her lips were full and often covered in red, or pink lipstick. She was tall with most of her height extending from her legs, for most though the deal was sealed with her full chest.

In all honesty, Dick didn't really care about her overall attractiveness, or at least not like others did. Sure he thought she was beautiful, and he had told her that, though he hadn't expected her to kiss him for it when he said so (not that he complained). He was just being nice. And when they ran into each other later in the week, during one of the worst storms of the season he hadn't expected her to invite him in after walking her home. And he certainly didn't have any plan on spending the night, it was just raining too hard to go home.

"I did buy them." He smirked up at her. He honestly wasn't sure what to call her. Girlfriend? Lover? A really good friend who he just so happened to have sex with? It probably didn't matter much as whatever their current arrangement was it seemed to work for them both. She fell gracefully in the grass next to him and in one fluid movement pulled a cigarette from the box.

"Yes, but you bought them for me."

A smirk played on his lips. "Got a light?"

Less than a second later, her middle finger was alight with a blue flame. Chey lit hers first before lighting his, and they sat in silence. Neither thinking happy thoughts, both just glad to be sharing each other's company with someone who understood. They must understand each other, at least on a basic level. Otherwise why hang around with someone who knew so much, too much, about you?

"Little orphan children need to stick together."

That's what Chey had whispered into his ear, as he walked her home, after sharing how his parents fell to their deaths. Her breath was warm and sent shivers down his spine in the icy rain. When he looked into her eyes his breathing got shallow and mouth became dry. The rain was coming down hard at this point and they ran the rest of the way to her place, crazed laughter echoing thorough out when as they dashed through the larger puddles. She invited him in and for a while they just laid on the couch together. At some point, in between bad Sci-Fi Channel movies, she had mentioned her aunt wouldn't be home until morning. A few minutes after that her lips were on his. He'd never felt the way he did in that moment before. The only word he could use to describe the sensation was desperate. Desperate for her touch, for her taste, for little gasps and giggles. And even though the T.V. was still whining on and storm was damn near busting the windows, what they were feeling was all that mattered. Every unexpressed emotion, good and bad, suddenly had a release for both of them.

The next morning both were covered with beautiful bruises, and Dick even had a few small burns.

He thought about telling her about the training simulation gone wrong, telling her about how he led everyone to their deaths. She would probably understand, or she would be horrified and run off, never to speak to him again.

He glanced over at her profile, wondering what she was thinking. He pondered if she would share, and if he would react the way she wanted him to. He honestly didn't know.

He didn't notice but somewhere while they were each lost in thought they had found each other's hand. He decided not to say anything about the simulation. He would talk to Canary about it more during one those mandated therapy sessions Bat's had the whole team going to. Right now he was just fine with the silence. He was just fine with the burning in his throat and lungs, He was just fine with the heavy smoke mixing with the smell of Evergreens and creek water. He was fine not saying anything to Chey. Fine having her hold him together, the way she had when after a botched mission (that may have been his fault) and she stayed up all night just talking to him about nothing. And fine with him holding her together, like he had after that bastard slipped something into her drink and she damn near killed him because the drugs messed with her body, and Dick just sat there holding her for hours in silence. This was fine, and he was fine with this,

Right?