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ANAKIN VS OBI WAN DIORAMA COMPETITION SCRIPT
by Terrificwriter
The movie site recently ran a competition to rewrite the script for the Anakin vs Obi Wan duel at the end of ROTS. The prize was a Sideshow Collectibles diorama of said duel. The competition is now closed, but here is the link anyway:
/node/37975
I wrote my script over the weekend and sent it off on Monday with just a couple of hours to spare before the deadline. I tried to write a straight version, but I failed because of my inability to take anything seriously. It is a curse I have learned to live with.
I have given it a 'T' rating just to be safe. There's nothing in it that might upset any little ones who might read it, but there is a bit of dismemberment (as one might expect) and also a very, very mild reference to some S&M practise between Padme and Anakin.
I don't reckon much to my chances, but here it is, for what it's worth:
SUMMARY OF PREVIOUS EVENTS
Order 66 has been executed. The Jedi are all but extinct. The Republic is in the clutches of the Emperor and his new apprentice. Palpatine has turned Anakin to the Dark Side by convincing him that all the other Jedis have been talking smack about his momma, and also that Obi Wan said that he thought his new hairstyle made him look like Billy Ray Cyrus.
Padme is in danger. Anakin's Jedi Mastercard bill arrived and Padme has maxed it out again. For her own safety, Yoda and Obi Wan decide to spirit the senator away back to Naboo. Wielding the hefty credit card bill, Anakin storms into Padme's quarters to confront her, only to find her gone. However, Dorme is still there. The loyal handmaiden refuses to betray the whereabouts of her mistress at first. But Anakin gets the information out of her in the end by dangling her out of the window by her ankle. Then he tells Dorme, "You remember when I told you I would kill you last? I lied!" and he lets her plummet to her death.
Anakin takes off in pursuit of Padme. Obi Wan, who is piloting the senator's ship, makes a pit stop on the volcano world of Mustafar, where he steps out for five minutes to get some beef jerky, or something. Padme is left on her own.
INT. THE FLIGHT DECK OF PADME'S SHIP.
ANAKIN appears at the top of the access ramp. PADME is sitting down doing her nails.
ANAKIN
(angrily)
Padme! You got some 'splaining to do!
PADME
(nonchalantly)
Oh hey, Ani. What's up?
ANAKIN
(even more angrily)
What's up? I'll tell you what's up! My interest rate repayments and my blood pressure, that's what's up. Look at this credit card bill! 80,000 Republic Credits for wigs, 150,000 for white face paint! What are you doing, starting up a clown college or something?
PADME
(rolling her eyes)
Oh Ani, would you just chill? It could have been a lot worse, you know. Most of the stuff on that bill isn't even brand name. I've been economising. I've had to.
ANAKIN
What is that supposed to mean?
PADME
Well, it's not like 'Jedi Knight' is a Fortune 500 profession, is it?
ANAKIN
Being a Jedi isn't about the money. And besides, I'm not a Jedi anymore; I'm a Sith Lord now!
PADME
(unimpressed)
Oh yes? And how much does that pay?
ANAKIN
The scale of my salary is insignificant compared to the power of the Dark Side. I could wipe out an army with a wave of my hand and snuff out the stars with a twitch of my eyebrow!
PADME
Well if you're so powerful, why don't you make that credit card bill disappear?
ANAKIN
Damn it, Padme, I'm not a miracle worker! Credit card companies are a force of darkness with whom even the Sith dare not meddle.
PADME stands up and slinks seductively over to ANAKIN.
PADME
(kissing ANAKIN on the nose)
Oh Ani, let's not fight. This is nothing we can't work through.
ANAKIN slumps into a chair and PADME massages his shoulders.
ANAKIN
(wearily)
I'm sorry. I've just been so stressed out, what with the war and the kid on its way – and I can't do a thing with my hair.
PADME makes kissy noises as she strokes a few errant locks away from ANAKIN'S eyes.
PADME
It'll be okay, baby. I know, let's take the rest of the day off. We could go for a picnic by the lakes on Naboo and do some skinny dipping.
ANAKIN
(mischievously)
I don't think so; you're not that skinny anymore.
PADME slaps ANAKIN playfully across the back of the head and they both laugh.
PADME
Oh, by the way Ani, I went for my regular facial scrub the other day but your card got declined. So I gave the spa owner the pink slip to your pod racer. I didn't think you'd mind.
ANAKIN
What!
PADME
And also I hocked Artoo and Threepio as well – there was a special offer on warm Jawa juice colonics.
ANAKIN
(springing to his feet)
Oh that tears it! That's the wamp rat that broke the bantha's back!
ANAKIN places a Force choke on PADME
PADME
(strained)
Anakin, please stop choking me – at least until you've told me the safety word.
OBI WAN appears at the top of the ramp.
OBI WAN
Let her go, Anakin!
ANAKIN releases PADME. PADME crumples senseless onto the deck.
ANAKIN
You! This is all your fault. It was your copy of the Tatooine Tatler from which I clipped out that cursed credit card application!
OBI WAN
(calmly)
Well then let that be a lesson to you; never cut up another man's lifestyle magazine until you've asked him if he's finished reading it. In any case, take it easy, Anakin; I may just have the solution to all your problems.
ANAKIN
(distrustfully)
What are you talking about?
OBI WAN
I'm talking about a Bank of Alderaan consolidation loan. With just a few simple steps, you too can be amongst the billons that have already benefited from receiving a generous lump sum which can be used to pay off all your current separate debts, leaving you with just one simple monthly repayment at a competitive rate of interest.
ANAKIN
(looking puzzled)
What the hell are you doing?
OBI WAN
I'm just trying out my sales patter for my new job. What with you effectively destroying the Jedi order, I've gone and signed up to work at a call centre.
ANAKIN
(furiously)
Son of a bitch!
ANAKIN thrusts out his arm and uses the Force to send OBI WAN tumbling backwards down the ramp.
CUT TO EXT. THE PLANET SURFACE.
The hellish vistas of Mustafar: Furious peaks spout fountains of flame. Ash swirls around in a stifling cloud. Lakes and rivers of molten rock glimmer all around holding promises of searing death.
Senator PADME'S ship is parked on a wide plateau half way down one of the mountains of fire.
ANAKIN bristles with menace as he stalks down the ramp.
ANAKIN
(with the full fury of the Dark Side burning in his eyes)
I hate you damned call centre freaks! Getting me off the toilet to answer the phone so you can sell me discount fax machine toner! Once I'm done here, the call centres are the very next shower of losers I am going to wipe out!
OBI WAN flips back onto his feet. The two warriors circle each other.
OBI WAN
So, you feel that the best way to deal with all those with whom you feel aggrieved is to slaughter them without pity?
ANAKIN
Yeah.
OBI WAN
(grinning)
Well then how come you haven't killed your hairdresser yet?
ANAKIN
Shut up! I do not look like Billy Ray Cyrus!
OBI WAN
Yes, you're right. I'd say you're a closer match for Jon Bon Jovi, or an equally girly 80s rock legend.
Lightsabres ignite and battle is joined.
PADME
(yelling loudly off screen)
Oi! Is anyone calling an ambulance? Half throttled pregnant woman here!
But the two warriors are too focussed on their duel to pay heed.
OBI WAN is surprised by the fury of ANAKIN'S attack. He senses that his former apprentice has grown in power out of all proportion.
OBI WAN can find no opening to attack and is forced backwards into defensive moves.
ANAKIN pushes his old master to the edge of the plateau. OBI WAN teeters on the brink.
ANAKIN wheels around in midair and kicks OBI WAN in the chest.
OBI WAN tumbles down the slope and comes to rest next to a narrow rivulet of lava.
ANAKIN slides down the incline like a snowboarder. He leaps up, raising his lightsabre over his head and screams as he descends to strike OBI WAN
ANAKIN
Palpy forever!
From his recumbent position, OBI WAN somersaults to the other side of the river.
ANAKIN stabs his blade at the ground where his former master was lying a mere heartbeat ago. ANAKIN pierces only ash.
OBI WAN seeks to take advantage of ANAKIN'S vulnerable stance by bringing the point of his weapon down towards the back of ANAKIN'S neck.
ANAKIN twists at the waist to block the blow. Then he spins his way over to OBI WAN'S side of the rivulet.
They duel on, bounding across the blighted landscape, leaping over yet more rivers of lava that grow ever wider.
Their blades lock and there is an impasse. Then ANAKIN pulls out a new trick.
With his free hand he gestures at one of the molten rivers. Fist-sized gobs of lava rise up and fly at OBI WAN'S head.
OBI WAN breaks free from the deadlock with ANAKIN and deflects the lava bombs with his lightsabre.
ANAKIN raises more lava bombs and bombards OBI WAN again and again.
OBI WAN deflects most of the projectiles. A few fragments find there mark and the Jedi master is slightly singed.
OBI WAN hits one lava bomb with a purposeful strike. The molten orb fragments and the fiery pieces spray in ANAKIN'S direction.
ANAKIN is caught off guard. He is burned on one cheek and on the back of his head.
ANAKIN
Aaargh! My face! My boyishly winsome face!
Enraged, ANAKIN launches his most vicious onslaught yet. The blades of the two warriors are nothing more than blurs as the duel enters its most intense phase.
ANAKIN drives OBI WAN over a rise to the lip of a crater. OBI WAN stumbles into the trough but manages to keep his feet.
At the bottom of the crater's basin there lies a blistering lake of lava. ANAKIN is pushing OBI WAN towards it.
OBI WAN is aware of the peril, but he is exhausted from the battle and he has run out of any moves that might prove effective against ANAKIN and his evidently superior Sith fighting powers.
Then, a new hope dawns in OBI WAN'S eyes as he decides to try a fresh tactic.
OBI WAN
(pointing past ANAKIN'S left shoulder)
Oh my goodness! Look over there! It's a helpless little Ewok trapped in a snare!
ANAKIN
(with contempt)
Ha! I care not for the suffering of little furry creatures. I am Sith; their pain is nourishment to me.
The two warriors duel on.
OBI WAN
(pointing past ANAKIN'S right shoulder)
Oh my word! Look over there! It's Aayla Secura and Shaak Ti, bikini wrestling in a pool of tapioca! Wow, their tentacles are everywhere!
ANAKIN
(derisively)
Ha! I desire not to look upon the pudding soaked grappling of Jedi babes. I am Sith; I prefer foxy boxing!
Sabres crash and spark. ANAKIN looks to be overpowering his old master.
OBI WAN manages to score a strike on ANAKIN'S mechanical arm hoping to disable it. He fails to do so and ends up only adding more fire to ANAKIN'S fury
The two warriors spiral downwards towards the fiery lake until it is almost lapping at their boots.
With blades locked, the young Sith forces OBI WAN to twist backwards, a perfect position from which ANAKIN could slice off the old Jedi's head.
OBI WAN tries one last desperate ploy.
OBI WAN
Whoops! I appear to have dropped my beef jerky.
ANAKIN
(looking downwards and licking his lips)
Sweet teriyaki? Yummy, my favourite!
OBI WAN takes advantage of his opponent's distraction. He twirls free from the locked sabres, arcs his blade and chops off ANAKIN'S left arm.
ANAKIN drops his lightsabre
ANAKIN
Ow! My arm!
OBI WAN
It is over, Anakin; I am the victor!
ANAKIN
(stubbornly)
No you're not!
OBI WAN
Yes I am. The one with the most limbs left at the end is always the winner. Read the Jedi handbook, boy: dismemberment defeat.
ANAKIN
It's just a flesh wound.
OBI WAN
Right, just for that I'm having one of your legs as too.
OBI WAN slices off one of ANAKIN'S legs.
ANAKIN
Ow! I was just joking, you jerk!
OBI WAN
I'm sorry; I just didn't find it very funny.
ANAKIN
Well don't just stand there watching me hopping around? The least you could do is even me out.
OBI WAN
Right you are.
OBI WAN sweeps the blade of his lightsabre and slices off ANAKIN'S remaining leg.
ANAKIN goes tumbling down the slope towards the lake of lava.
The stump of his severed arm lands close to the liquid rock and the young Sith is set aflame.
ANAKIN
(screaming)
Ouch! Freakin' Nelly Bells, that's painful! How come Jedi robes aren't fireproof?
OBI WAN picks up ANAKIN'S lightsabre and starts to walk away. ANAKIN, smoke rising from his charred skin, yells angrily after him.
ANAKIN
So you're just going to wander off and leave here like this?
OBI WAN
(shrugging)
I wish I could help you pal, but I've got an early start at the call centre tomorrow. See ya around, crispy!
SUMMARY OF CONCLUDING EVENTS
Obi Wan takes Padme to a secret Jedi base so that she can get medical attention. The babies are delivered safely. Padme lives and sues Anakin for child support.
Anakin is pushed further into debt after his medical insurance doesn't quite cover the cost of his new limbs and helmet. He becomes distracted and depressed and proves not to be as effective a Sith lord as Palpatine had envisioned.
Palpatine fires Anakin and replaces him with a new Sith apprentice named Darth Cheney. Darth Cheney shoots Palpatine in the face (accidentally). Darth Cheney becomes the new emperor of the galaxy.
Obi Wan fails to make his sales quota and is fired from his call centre job. He is currently drawing unemployment welfare.