Man, why does it seem like ALL of my stories here were originally posted somewhere else? Anyway, this was originally posted on a website named Lemmy's Land. It's been re-posted here for your viewing pleasure.
Space Battles 1/2
by Lord Seth
THE FOLLOWING STORY HAS BEEN MODIFIED FROM ITS ORIGNAL VERSION. IT HAS BEEN FORMATTED TO FIT...oh, who am I kidding?
Sometime in a galaxy somewhere...
(While cool music plays, the following words appear, moving farther and farther away until you can't see them anymore)
Episode I: The Ghostly Maniac
Because of some events that we are not going to go into detail about, high taxes from the Trading Federation are being levied on some places. So, once again for reasons that are not clear, the Trading Federation sets up a blockade to the planet of Taboo. In response, some guy sends two Jedi to go and negotiate with some people to stop the taxes. Our story now begins.
In a space station...
Bowser (Kenobi): So when do the negotiation start?
Smithy (Gon-Jin): You have much to learn, young Jedi.
Bowser: Weren't we called Jabits?
Smithy: They were going to, but it turns out that Jedi is legal territory.
Bowser: Really?
Smithy: No, but who's going to sue us? We have the best lawyers money can buy!
Meanwhile...
Lawyer #1: We're being charged with copyright infringement.
Lawyer #2: So?
Lawyer #1: Yeah, you're right. Who cares?
Back on the station...
Smithy: Hey, aren't these people supposed to come in and negotiate?
Robot: Please have some drinks. My master will be with you shortly.
Bowser: "Master"? I thought slavery was outlawed by the Constitution of the United States!
Smithy: What's the United States?
Bowser: Enh.
Lord Seth: Cut! Hold it! This gag was overused in Advance Wars 2.5!
Bowser: Cut? Is this is a movie or something?
Lord Seth: YES IT IS!
Bowser: No one ever told me...
Lord Seth: JUST STICK TO THE SCRIPT!
Smithy: Hey! This script says I die in Scene 201! I'm not going to follow this!
Lord Seth: Fine, fine, do whatever you want. But if you get killed, don't blame me! And...action!
Bowser: So when will the guys come to negotiate?
Smithy: You're obsessed about negotiations!
Bowser: But without them, the story will get nowhere!
Smithy: Oh, drats. They just sealed us in and will probably try to kill us.
Meanwhile...
Evil Villain: So, Darth Whatchamacallit, we have the Jedi all ready for us.
Darth Whatchamacallit: Good. Now begin the negotiations.
Evil Villain: Aren't we supposed to kill them?
Darth Whatchamacallit: Oh yeah. I was just...um...testing you.
Meanwhile, in the Negotiating Room/Killing Chamber...
Bowser: Oh no! How will we ever escape?
Smithy: Just use our DarkSwords to cut a hole in the wall!
Bowser: That's...uh...EXACTLY what I was about to suggest!
Bowser and Smithy whip out their DarkSwords and use Farce in order to break out of the room.
Smithy: Now we must find an escape pod! But where can they be?
Bowser: How about over there?
Bowser points to a large, flashing sign, that says "Escape Pods This Way. Please Do Not Use In Emergencies."
Smithy: Let's get out of here using one!
Bowser: It says that we shouldn't use them in an emergency. Isn't it one?
Smithy: You can't believe everything you read.
Bowser: Good point. And now...away!
The two jump into an escape pod and take off towards Taboo. They land in a swamp.
Bowser: PLEASE don't let us encounter an annoying, computer-generated character.
Boom Boom Jinx jumps in out of nowhere and a droid tries to kill him.
Bowser: Do we HAVE to save him?
Smithy: Have you forgotten the Jedi oath?
Bowser: Yes.
Smithy: Dang. I was hoping you could remind me.
Boom Boom: Mesa need help! Mesa need a lot of help!
Bowser: Hang on, Boom Boom Jinx! I'll help you out, just as soon as I get out of this quicksand! Er...QUICKSAND?!
Bowser and Smithy try to get themselves out of the quicksand, but Boom Boom is defeated (and goes BOOM!) in the meantime.
Bowser: Weren't we supposed to rescue him or something?
Smithy: Oh well. It's not like the whole plot will be altered because we didn't save ONE person.
Bowser: Did you notice there were a lot of people with the name of Boom Boom? There was Boom Boom Fott, Boom Boom CloudDropper, and now Boom Boom Jinx!
Bowser: Now we just need to talk to the ruler of the planet! *notices a creature walking along* Take us to your leader!
Creature: How cliché can you get?
Bowser: Very.
Creature: Okay, okay, I'll bring you to my ruler.
One trip and one explanation later...
Bowser: So that's the problem. Any questions?
Peach: Let's GET THE HECK OUT OF HERE!!!
Bowser: What?
Peach: The guys are going to invade! We must escape!
Bowser: How did you know that?
Peach: Script.
Lord Seth: HOLD IT! STOP THIS! We had this gag enough in the PREVIOUS episode!
Smithy: But how can there be a previous episode if this is the first?
Bowser: Don't ask me to figure it out! I'm not skilled enough in the Farce!
Meanwhile, in a complete different story...
Mario: I'm here to rescue Peach!
Bowser: You and WHAT army?
Mario: This one!
Mario points to himself.
Bowser: Uh-oh.
Mario creams, stomps, wallops, splatters, demolishes, annihilates, pounds, punches, kicks, jolts, beats, scratches, wounds, whacks, clobbers, destroys, squashes, bonks and pulverizes Bowser. Then he rescues Peach.
Bowser: Just you wait, Mario! I'll be back...as soon as I stop being dead, of course.
Back in Space Battles...
Bowser: So we're all in a ship and we're trying to get to some planet. It looks like for once everything is going according to plan!
Smithy: I hate it when you say that. It always makes it NOT go according to plan.
Peach: We're under attack!
Smithy: See?
Bowser: There's only one person who can save us!
Smithy: Who?
Bowser: Unfortunately, he won't be able to help, due to certain copyright laws.
Smithy: Argh! Well, just evade them!
THe enemy ships blast their ship and the shields are taken out.
Bowser: Now we need to send some droids to fix the shields.
Everyone looks at the droid R2-Luigi.
(R2)-Luigi: Bleep bloop! (Oh no, I know what you're thinking. And if you...)
Bowser: FIX THE SHIELDS OR WE'LL TEAR YOU APART!!!
Luigi: Bleep bleep bleep! (Okay...)
Luigi goes and fixes the shields.
Everyone: Yaaaay!
Bowser: You deserve a reward. You'll get to appear in Space Battles Episodes 4, 5, and 6!
Luigi: Bleep bloop bleep! (Cheapskates)
Because of lck of fuel, they land on the desert planet Vapor.
Bowser: I sense a disturbance in the Farce...
Smithy: There's no disturbance. That's the wind.
Bowser: Oh. Right.
Smithy: Our ship is all broken now.
Peach: Then use the farce to cure it.
Smithy: Farce should be capitalized.
Peach: Riiiight.
Bowser: Oh well. Might as well try to find spare parts.
Peach: You never answered my question.
Bowser: What question?
Peach: *sigh*
Smithy: Might as well bring the robot.
R2-Luigi: Bleep bloop bloop! (untranslated)
Bowser: Oh well. How long could this searching take anyway?
1 Year Later...
Smithy: We can't find any spare parts!
Bowser: Maybe if you accepted prices higher than $10...
Smithy: No. Too expensive.
Bowser: Look! This place says it has the lowest prices in town.
Smithy: Well, that store over there said the same thing. And that store over there. And that one over there.
Bowser: We might as well check it out. What do we have to lose?
Smithy: All our money. No wait, we lost it all when you went into all those gambling casinos.
A short time later...
Weird Flying Creature: So you want me to give you some stuff so you can get out of here.
Bowser: Pretty much.
Smithy (whispering): Shouldn't he have some Mario-related name like everyone else?
Bowser (whispering back): Beats me.
Weird Flying Creature: I know! How 'bout we make a bet?
Bowser: Ooh! Ooh! I love bets!
And so, one Pod-Race later...
Weird Flying Creature: Okay, okay, you win! You can have the stuff you need plus Morton.
Morton: Yay! Now I get to be free, and do stuff that free people do, like leave the planet, and have adventures, and do other stuff, and-
Weird Flying Creature: I've been trying to get rid of him for years. Thank you.
Smithy: The Farce is strong with this one.
Bowser: What? He doesn't even have the intelligence of a balloon!
Smithy: I was talking about Morton, not the Weird Flying Creature.
C-Mario: Well, I guess this is goodbye, Morton. Thanks for making me. I'm sure we'll see each other again...someday...
Meanwhile...
Evil Villain: So what do we do now, Darth Watchamacallit?
Darth Whatchamacallit: Meet my apprenctice, Darth...um...Geno. Yeah, Darth Geno, who, because of a speech impediment, will never say a single thing throughout the movie.
Darth Geno: ...
Evil Villain: Hey, he said "..."!
Darth Whatchamacallit: That doesn't count. Anyway, Darth Geno, it's time to show your power by KILLING the Jedi who use the light side of the Farce.
Geno: ALL of them? I don't know...
Evil Villain: Hey! He talked!
Geno: Whoops!
Darth Whatchamacallit: Just start with Bowser and Smithy.
A short time later, on Vapor...
Morton: So you say I'm supposed to be the one that balances the Farce? But I don't get it, is that really a good thing? I mean, a balance would mean the Good and Bad sides of the Farce would be bad, right, because the Good side is supposed to be stronger, and the Bad side isn't, so wouldn't a balance mean that they'd be equal, so-
Smithy: The first step of his training will be getting him to shut up.
Bowser: Look! Some cool guy dressed in a cool black outfit and with a cool double DarkSword while riding a cool motorcycle-like thing is coming straight at us! Isn't that cool?
Smithy: Bowser, you idiot! That's bad! He's trying to kill us!
Bowser: Exactly! We'll finally get some action!
Morton: No we won't. We're already taking off.
Bowser: Oh, ri...hey, you said a short sentence!
Morton: So?
Bowser: ...
And so, later at the Crowded, Rowdy And Crazy Korporation Presumably On Taxes building... (better known as the Government building)
Peach: ...so there are some eeeeeeevil guys forcing everyone on my planet to have to undergo really bad stuff.
Councilman: What kind of stuff?
Peach: REALLY bad stuff.
Councilman: But WHAT bad stuff?
Peach: Stuff so bad you'll faint if I tell you!
Councilman: Okay, okay, just whisper it to me, then.
Peach whispers something to the Councilman. He turns white and collapses.
Peach: See?
Big Kahuna (the person in charge): Could you possibly tell the whole Senate the stuff?
Peach: Well, they-
Because of the fact that anyone who has heard the horrible things they did is either in a coma, dead, crazy, or a politican, we have decided to censor it.
Peach: Isn't that horrible?
Guy Who Looks Like Evil Villain: I object! She has no proof! I reccomend that a commission be sent to Taboo to investigate the accusations.
Peach: NO PROOF?! I have videotapes from Taboo proving what I'm saying is true, not to mention documents signed by the Trading Federation proving they authorized this, testimony from thousands of people who have suffered from this, not to mention audiotapes in which people from the Trading Federation discuss worse ways to treat the people on Taboo.
Guy Who Looks Like Evil Villain: As I said, she has no proof.
Peach: *sigh* Imbecile.
Guy Who Looks Like Evil Villain: Name-calling! That's the worst offense anyone can commit in the Senate!
Big Kahuna: You sure? I thought the worst had something to do with not following the script.
Meanwhile, just outside the Senate chamber...
Bowser: This is why I didn't become a politician.
Smithy: I WANTED to become a politician, but I ended up becoming a Jedi because-
Bowser: Look! The meeting is over! What happened?
Morton: Yeah, what?
Bowser: Morton, you're improving! You're not talking as much!
Morton: Enh, that was just my bad side. Unless I turn to the Dark Side of the Farce, I should be a bit more quiet from now on.
Bowser: Yeah, like THAT would ever happen!
Peach: Anyway, what happened will never be revealed because I'm sure I'm going to be cut off by-
(C-)Mario: Hi everyone!
Bowser: Mario? You're not supposed to appear again until Episode 2!
Mario: So?
Bowser: Uh...nevermind.
Peach: Well, I guess I'd better see what I can do about this.
Peach leaves.
Morton: Er...Mario? Why are you staring at Peach?
Mario: Did you ever notice how beautiful and nice and enchanting she is?
Smithy: Mario, you're a robot, she's a human. It would never work out. Besides, over 25% of marriages end in divorce. And the rest in death!
Mario: Well...maybe if things were different, if I weren't a robot...
Smithy: Oh yeah, like THAT would ever happen!
Bowser: Why do I have the strangest idea we're forgetting something?
Meanwhile on Taboo...
Boom-Boom Jinx: Hewwo? Hewwo? Mesa kinda stuffy in this pwison cell the bad guys put me in. Could someone help me out? Pwease? Pwease? Anyone?
Back where our 'heroes' are...
Morton: Let's see...I sense a disturbance in the Farce.
Smithy: That's just the wind.
Morton: Oh.
Bowser: Wait, there really is a disturbance! The Evil Trading Federation is attacking Taboo!
Peach: I thought it was just Trading Federation.
Bowser: It was a recent change. They decided it described them better.
Smithy: But wouldn't their PR Department not like that?
Bowser: Not really. Their PR Department was the one who suggested the change.
Peach: So, uh, shouldn't we be rushing to Taboo's rescue?
Bowser: Don't worry. I'm sure it can wait a few lines.
A
few
lines
later...
Bowser: See? I told you!
Peach: Bowser, Taboo's now on the brink of defeat and we're nowhere near there.
Bowser: Well, besides that, everything's fine, right?
Peach: We're also out of...oh, what's that drink you really like?
Bowser: WE'RE OUT OF IT?! NOOOOOOO!
Peach: No, we're just out of name censored due to possible copyright infringement.
Bowser: Phew! I was afraid that my favorite drink really was gone!
Smithy: Oh wait, it is.
Bowser: AAAAAAHHHHH!!!!
Peach: Shouldn't we be getting to Taboo to, you know, help them out?
Bowser: We wouldn't make it in time.
Lord Seth: Yes you would! With my special machine device I have, we'll get you there immediately!
Bowser: *groan* I was hoping I could get out of this...
Morton: Hey! I haven't had any lines for a while!
Smithy: Oh, you will. You will.
Later, in Taboo...
Peach: Don't worry; we'll repel them all by ourself! But we need to get some help.
Later, after some help from people just like Boom-Boom Jinx (except they're not as annoying)
Peach: All right. Now we need to STORM THE PALACE!!!
Soldier: Won't we all be captured and killed if we do?
Peach: Yes, but the movie is being all slow and all.
Peach, Smithy, Bowser, Morton, and a bunch of extras who got paid minimum-wage for this movie all sneak into the palace.
Peach: Now we...uh, what are we supposed to do?
Bowser: You're the one who thought of this plan! Don't you?
Peach: Well, my plans mysteriously disappeared.
The characters are all suddenly surrounded by a bunch of...er...think, what would be a good Mario equivalent for the droids...oh yeah, Jabits!
Jabit: You're coming with us.
Peach: *sigh* Put down your weapons. We've lost this round.
Meanwhile...
Smithy: The decoy seems to be working well so far. No one's paying any attention to us! Well, except for all the camera people, anyway.
Bowser: What I hate about movies is that we only get one take and if someone dies in the movie, they die in real life.
Smithy: What? That's not true!
Bowser: It's true here!
Smithy: Well, this isn't really a movie. It's more of a...real life documentary.
Morton: Why doesn't anyone ever attack the cameramen or something?
Smithy: Diplomatic immunity.
Bowser: This way!
Geno appears.
Bowser: Okay...not this way...
Smithy: We'll handle him! You guys take the long way!
Geno lights his double-sided DarkSword (seriously, why can't anyone else use that? Why do they always use single-sided DarkSwords?)
Geno: Financial issues.
Oh.
Geno: And now...it is time...for us to fight!
A large-scale fight between Geno and Bowser & Smithy ensues, and would look absolutely awesome if this wasn't all text. Long story short: Bowser and Smithy defeat Geno and throw him down a shaft. Unfortunately, Geno does take one of Smithy's hands off (reference to Episode 5)
Smithy: Oh yeah! We defeated him!
Bowser: Oh yeah! Except I can't get this stupid DarkSword to turn on.
Smithy: Hey, careful where you're pointing that-
Bowser starts whacking the DarkSword and it turns on, and unfortunately goes straight through Smithy.
Bowser: Oops!
Smithy: Bowser...promise me...you must...
Bowser: Must what?
Smithy: STOP CUTTING ME OFF! Anyway...you must...train...
Smithy dies.
Bowser: Oh yeah, leave me AND everyone else wondering what he was going to say!
Lord Seth: Uh...you do know you could go to prison and have your Jedi title revoked for what you just did.
Bowser: *sigh* How much do I have to bribe you to doctor the tapes so that it shows that Geno killed Smithy instead of me?
Lord Seth: Bowser, I'm above all that! I'd never sink that low! There's nothing you could possibly offer that would make me do that.
Bowser: Would you do it for a Scooby Snack?
Lord Seth: Sold!
Oh yeah, that stuff we just saw? It never happened. What REALLY happened was that Geno killed Smithy and then Bowser killed Geno. No, really!
Meanwhile...
Morton: So we're in a spaceship, heading for a space station, and there's a big battle raging around us. How did we get into THIS one?
Luigi: Bleep! (Beats me)
Morton: Let's see...according to my calculations and the script, we're about to overheat...now.
The spaceship, while conveniently inside the space station, overheats and stops moving.
Morton: Uh-oh.
Meanwhile on the planet...
Evil Villain: So, uh, we're kind of doomed?
Guy Who Looks Like Evil Villain: We're surrounded by our enemies, our droid army is destroyed, and our space station has gone kapoot. AND YOU WONDER IF WE'RE DOOMED?!
Evil Villain: Our space station has gone kapoot? What?
Guy Who Looks Like Evil Villain: Oh yeah...that hasn't happened quite yet.
BBBBOOOOMMMMM!!!!!
Evil Villain: Now it has.
Meanwhile...
Morton: Okay, we accidentally blew up the...whatever you call it. Now the spaceship is blowing up. Do you think we should we get out of here?
Luigi: [CENSORED]! ([CENSORED])
Morton: Good point. Let's get out of here.
Later, back on the planet...
Peach: Well, we've taken back our planet and the Evil Trading Federation is now the Extinct Trading Federation. Oh, and hello, new Big Kahuna. Sorry all of your parts before here had to be cut due to time constraints.
Big Kahuna (his name's not 'Big Kahuna', but the title of the leader of the government is Big Kahuna, so we will be using that): Well, we are indebted to both Bowser and Morton. And Morton, we...uh, something about career and interest. Sorry, I have a bad memory.
Later...
Toad: Conferred upon you the title of Jedi Knight the Jedi Council has.
Bowser: Do you always have to talk that way?
Toad: Sorry, brought up was I to speak this way.
Bowser: Okay. So now what?
Toad: It was Smithy's last wish that you train Morton in the ways of the Farce.
Bowser: So THAT's what he was trying to say!
Toad: Like it I do not, but your apprentice Morton will be.
Bowser: Why don't you like it?
Toad: Bad stuff I fear will happen.
Bowser: What kind of stuff?
Toad: Repeat that joke I will not!
Bowser: But seriously, it's not like Morton is going to turn evil and hunt down and destroy all the Jedi except you and me, right?
Toad: Happen that would never!
Both laugh at the absurdity of the comment.
The End
Lemmy: What are you talking about? There were all sorts of horrible continuity errors!
Lord Seth: Lemmy, you're not even supposed to be alive in the storyline yet.
Lemmy: Oh. Right.
Lemmy disappears.
The End
(no, really this time--unless, of course, we're dumb enough to bring out ANOTHER one)