Disclaimer: Don't own the characters…the great Stephenie Meyer does

Note: Its not my first but I gave up on the other cause I just wasn't having fun with it anymore. I really liked the idea of this one and it got me all excited. It's all in Edward POV for now but I might switch it up a bit later. Hope you like it and please do REVIEW! :D

I couldn't tell how long it had been now…three months…four maybe. I knew it would be excruciatingly hard but I had no idea I would feel so incomplete. I couldn't breathe and when I would try it only reminded me of what I no longer could smell. The most luscious beautiful perfume in the world. In all my life I had never come across something so sweet and yet appealing to me as my beautiful Bella. Only she was not mine anymore, I could never again see the red of her blush or feel the warmth of her hand in mine. A normal person, or vampire in my case, might assume that someone in the kind of agony I am in would do something to change it…to make it better, but not me. I did this to myself.

I always have known that she would be better without me in her life but I never thought that I could actually do it. She is the reason for my being, the reason I go on, the face I see when I close my eyes, me everything. But I am the one who took it all away. I did this to myself.

From the first day I came into contact with her I knew she had forever changed me. Of course I thought it was just that I was stronger since I was able to resist her and not take her life right where she stood. In actuality, however, she changed me in a way I could never imagine. She made me complete. I never again would be the same because I now knew what is was to love with everything you have inside and be loved in return. But once again I took it all away.

"God! How could I be so stupid!" I roared aloud even though there was no one around to hear. Because that's what I was now…alone. Although I loved my family and I knew that my being absent all the time hurt them I could not do anything but wallow in my own self pity. So I would not be around them. I would not have them be any part of I was going through because I loved them enough to keep myself away. I couldn't imagine any one wanting to be around me while I was like this.

I did really miss them though. I missed the sweet giggle of my pixie like sister Alice, the fun and games me and my bear like brother Emmet would get into, the talks I would have with Jasper and the way he could always calm me when I was over stressed, Roselie…well I knew there had to be something I missed about her so I decided on the way she was always the first to be completely honest with me. And most of all I missed my parents. I did not even want to think about what this was doing to my loving mother Esme…I knew I was putting her through so much. And Carlisle…the one I could go to for anything. I knew no matter what he would always be there for me, standing by my side through thick and thin.

So was it right for me to shut them out the way I was doing? I could think of no other way beside it. No matter how much I loved them and they loved me they would never be able to pull me out of what I was going through. Only She could. Would it be forever then? Would we never again be the happy family we once were because I could not get through this.

It had to be! The whole that ripped through me and left shredded edges to never again be repaired left me this way. I yearned for her too strongly for me to ever be a part of anything ever again that did not include her.

I was not certain of how much longer I would be able to stand of this. I knew I at least had to wait sixty maybe seventy years for her to die. Bella…my sweet, amazinglybeautiful Bella buried in the ground for the parasites to get. "NO!" I could not think of such an atrocity. But I did take comfort in knowing that I would be off this earth as shortly as possible afterwards. Like I had told her once, I did not plan on continue to exist without her around to make everything better with her very essence.

I could not stand it any longer. I just needed to see and make sure she was happy. I had to see her one last time. I hoped so strongly that she did believe my words as I left her. She seemed to have. I thought it would take much more effort for her to believe. How could she ever truly believe that I did not want her. "Absolutely ludicrous!" It was the most horrifyingly disgusting lie I ever had or ever could tell.

"Maybe if I just check up on her." I knew I had gone crazy when I started talking to myself. "That wouldn't be so bad right? She would never even know I was there." I was slowly slipping into insanity and I needed something to pull me back before it was too late. I convinced myself that checking up on her wouldn't be bad at all. I had promised her that it would be like we never existed and it would stay that way because she would not see me.

It was the most fairest thing I could do because I would hate it if she could see me but I could not see her. But I had made Bella a promise and I was going to stick to it even if it killed me because she was all that mattered. My sorrow meant nothing if it meant that Bella could live a happy safe life free of all the monsters I bring along with me.

I wondered if she really could be happy. Even though that is what I wanted most, her to move on and find someone who could give her everything I couldn't, a small selfish part of me hoped she would be as miserable as I was. Because I knew that if that was the case then I would beg her to come back to me. This was completely for her benefit and if she wasn't benefiting at all then what was the point in keeping this up?

And with that final thought I had my phone to my ear.