The Chemistry Supply Store Sketch:
(inspired by a Classic Monty Python Sketch)
The Scene: A Scientific Suppliers. There is a bazouki player in the corner and some Greek dancers.
A Man enters:
Customer: Good Morning.
Shopkeeper: Good Morning sir. Welcome to the National Chemical Emporium
Customer: Good Morning stout yeoman. I was sitting in the Library not ten minutes ago, reading 'Inorganic Reactions' by Morton Treadgold when I developed a desire to emulate the experiments
Shopkeeper: Come again sir?
Customer: I want to do some chemistry
Shopkeeper: Oh, right sir. I thought you were complaining about the bazouki player
Customer: Not at all. Nothing gives me more pleasure than to experience all forms of the terpsichorean muse
Shopkeeper Come again sir?
Customer (Yorkshire Accent):Ee I like a good tune
Shopkeeper: Oh, Right
Customer: Anyway, do you have any Calcium?
Shopkeeper: We're fresh out of Calcium
Customer: Tsk, tsk. Never mind, I'll take some Magnesium
Shopkeeper: Sorry
Customer: Sodium?
Shopkeeper: Nope
Customer: Iron?
Shopkeeper: No
Customer: Bromine?
Shopkeeper No
Customer: Thulium?
Shopkeeper: No
Customer: Francium?
Shopkeeper: No
Customer: Barium?
Shopkeeper: Normally sir, but the van broke down
Customer: Astatine?
Shopkeeper: Yes Sir
Customer: Oh SPLENDID! I'll take some of that then
Shopkeeper: Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were talking to me. I'm Mr Astatine
Customer: I see. Mercury?
Shopkeeper: We DO have some Mercury
Customer: SPLENDID, I'll take four grammes then
Shopkeeper: it's a bit runny
Customer: That's just how I like it
Shopkeeper: it's a bit runner than you'll like
Customer I don't care HOW damn runny it is. Give me some.
Shopkeeper: Yes sir. (pause) I'm sorry sir, the cat's eaten it
Customer: Has he?
Shopkeeper: SHE, sir
Customer: I see... Chlorine?
Shopkeeper: Nope
Customer: Indium
Shopkeeper: Not till Tuesday
Customer: Do you have...SHUT THAT BLOODY BAZOUKI UP!
Shopkeeper: Told you sir
Customer: It's not much of a chemical suppliers is it?
Shopkeeper: Finest in the district sir
Customer: And what is the logic behind that statement?
Shopkeeper: It's the cleanest sir
Customer: It certainly seems bereft of any chemical contamination
Shopkeeper: You haven't asked me if I've got any carbon.
Customer: Is it worth it
Shopkeeper: Might be
Customer: Alright. Do you have any Carbon?
Shopkeeper: No sir
Customer: Vanadium?
Shopkeeper: Nope
Customer: Oxygen?
Shopkeeper: No
Customer Rhenium, Neon, Nitrogen, Scandium?
Shopkeeper 'Fraid not sir
Customer: Hydrogen? You must have some hydrogen
Shopkeeper: Not much call for it round here sir
Customer: NOT MUCH CALL FOR IT? IT'S THE MOST COMMON ELEMENT IN THE
UNIVERSE!
Shopkeeper: Not round here sir
Customer: And what, pray tell is the most common around here?
Shopkeeper: Iridium sir
Customer: Is it?
Shopkeeper: Oh yes sir, frightfully popular
Customer: Do you have any (expecting the answer 'no')?
Shopkeeper: I'll just look sir...
...nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno
Customer: Sulphur, Lithium, Argon, Cobalt?
Shopkeeper: Nope
Customer: Yttrium, Boron, Fluorine, Osmium?
Shopkeeper 'Fraid not sir
Customer: Antimony, Bismuth, Iodine, Lead?
Shopkeeper: No
Customer Neon, Protactinium, Gold, Samarium?
Shopkeeper: No
Customer: Tungsten, Aluminium, Nickel, Neodymium?
Shopkeeper: No
Customer (drawing pistol from pocket): Do you have ANY chemicals at all?
Shopkeeper: Yes sir
Customer: Really?
Shopkeeper :No sir. I've been completely wasting your time
Customer : I'm sorry, but I'm just going to have to shoot you
Shopkeeper: Righto Sir
Customer: fires pistol. Shopkeeper falls dead at his feet
Customer: What a senseless waste of human life!