A Talk with a Vampire and Chocobo Hair Boy
by Anna and Akira
Vincent: I've wanted to say this since the moment I laid eyes on you.
Cloud (holding his breath): You, you don't mean...
Vincent: I know you feel it too. I know you caught me watching you
take that shower after the Chocobo race. You didn't protest. In
fact, I think you kind of liked it.
Cloud: I...I don't know what to say. I've never felt anything like
this before...
VINCENT: Oh, sorry. ::backs up::
CLOUD: Say, uh, do you have any, uh, Materia?
VINCENT: ...?
CLOUD: Sorry, I'm trying to think of good pickup lines.
VINCENT: How about, "If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put I next to U"...?
CLOUD: But you just said it!
VINCENT: ...
CLOUD: ...
VINCENT: May I be OOC with you, Cloud?
CLOUD: I'm flattered that you trust me so much! Yes, of course.
VINCENT: I am so horny right now.
CLOUD: (musingly) Aren't we all...?
VINCENT: Aren't you glad that Tifa, Yuffie, and Aeris are all involved in a massive lesbian orgy and aren't stalking you?
CLOUD: Yeah...HEY WAIT! They are?
VINCENT: Yes...
CLOUD: AND THEY DIDN'T LET ME WATCH?
VINCENT: Sorry Cloud... Aeris is quite the gothic dominatrix chick, too, since she's been dating Akira...
CLOUD: BONDAGE TOO? ::sobs::
VINCENT: Yep... saw crops and whip cream too..
CLOUD: ::sobs:: Vincent... stop being so damn OOC and get your hand off my ass...
VINCENT: But it feels so RIGHT...!
CLOUD: You squeezed too hard! I'm gonna have bruises!
VINCENT: Really? May I rub cream all over them?
CLOUD: Well yes if you think that would help--HEY WAIT A MINUTE!
VINCENT: Hmph.
(SIlence)
CLOUD: So, what's Tifa doing?
VINCENT: (nauseated) Don't ask.
CLOUD: Oh.
(Silence again)
CLOUD: Vincent?
VINCENT: Yes, Cloud?
CLOUD: Did you ever know that you're my hero?
VINCENT: Uh...
CLOUD: (dreamily) You are the wind beneath my wings...
VINCENT: And you're the wind between my legs, baby!
CLOUD: oooh, so naughty!
VINCENT: ::bending over:: Do I need a spanking?
CLOUD: Baby, you need a full-BODY spanking!
VINCENT: Meeee-owwwww...
CLOUD: Oh, animal noises drive me wild!
VINCENT: Moo
CLOUD: (gasping) Yes...yesssss...!
VINCENT: (sensually) Quack
CLOUD: Ahhhh....ooooh yeah...yeah...
VINCENT: BUNNY NOISES! BUNNY NOISES!
CLOUD: AAA-er. Whata?
VINCENT: Um...bunny...noises...?
CLOUD: You know, I always wanted to make whil passionate llama love with a bunny...
VINCENT: ((nuzzles Cloud)) Can I be your bunny?
CLOUD: NO! Because.... ANNA IS FLUFFY CUTE BUNNY!
VINCENT: ((hurt)) Who is this Anna? Does she have great hair like me? ((strikes a 'Magus' Pose))
CLOUD: Yes... she is Selphie's Other!
VINCENT: Cloud, I think the Mako Poisin is kicking in again...
CLOUD: Sephiroth is naughty with Akira in the back room and Anna likes to pet my little cloud...
VINCENT: ....
MATT: But what about me...?
ANNA: Shhh, don't interrupt Cloud and Vincent!
AKIRA: Yeah, this is the good part!
KRIS: Let's see some hot body action!
(Cloud and Vincent suddenly look towards the back window of the gondola. Anna, Matt, Kris, and Akira-chan are peeking through comically large binoculars at them.)
CLOUD: I feel so dirty...
VINCENT: Good!
AKIRA: ::impatient:: Well?
CLOUD: Well what?
ANNA: Let's see the action start! We can make millions if we sell this to the right people!
VINCENT: ...?!
KRIS: I got a producer online, so hurry up and lets get this thing going on...
CLOUD: ::bangs head against wall:: I feel sooooooo VERY dirty now...
VINCENT: ::stares::
MATT: ::Stares back:: tee hee duh.
VINCENT: ....
MATT: ....
VINCENT: Breakdancing fuzzy bears.
MATT: Jello from hell.
(Matt leaps into the gondola. Vincent passionately embraces him.)
CLOUD: EEEEEW! I see gay people!
MATT: (trying to disentangle his tongue) I'M NOT GAY!
AKIRA: Can we videotape you two anyways?
VINCENT: ....
MATT: Whatever.
(Kris starts Riverdancing)
AKIRA: ::pulls out the camera and random stage crew people from her pants::
ANNA: Kinky!
CLOUD: ::freaks out because some random stage crew person tries to do his hair:: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!~
KRIS: ::kicks Cloud in the shins::
AKIRA: HEY! That's my style! ::Kris in the Shins::
ANNA: Stop picking on Kris! ::kicks Akira in the shins::
CLOUD: LEAVE MY HAIR ALONE! ::kicks stage crew member in the shins::
ANNA: STOP KICKING PEOPLE! ::kicks Vincent in the shins::
VINCENT: ::falling down:: OW! What the...?
MATT: Oh, darn. ::kicks Kris in the shins::
KRIS: HEY! What was THAT for?
MATT: Uhhh...I forgot.
(Kris kicks Matt in the shins)
SEPHIROTH: (popping up out of nowhere.) Booyah! ::kicks Cloud in the shins::
(Anna leaps onto Sephiroth and refuses to let go)
MATT: HEY! ::tries to pry Anna from Sephiroth... gives up and clings to him too::
VINCENT: ...?! I feel unloved...
AKIRA: AWWWWWWWWWW! ::clings to Vincent and licks him:: I lurv you...
(Kris hugs Vincent's leg)
VINCENT: I'm going to be EXTREMLY OOC with yas... KINKY! ::licks Akira back::
CLOUD: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!~
(Akira throws a random spork Cloud and knocks him out)
(Cid runs in like the badass mother f#kka he is and kicks Cloud and runs around the gondola)
MATT: CID! ::immediately affixes himself to Cid::
ANNA: NOOOOOOOOOO! CLOUD! WAAAAAH!
SEPHIROTH: Want me to make you feel better?
ALL: YES!
SEPHIROTH: Er, I meant just HER, but...
VINCENT: ::snuggling with Akira-chan:: Shnookums...
AKIRA: Poookie...::kicks Anna in the shins::
ANNA: HEY! What was that for?
AKIRA: You weren't around when I called you ::cries::
ANNA: ::cries too:: I'M SORRY! ::kicks self in the shins::
KRIS: Llama!
MATT: Cheeeeeeeeeeeeese!
CLOUD: Fruit snacks!
VINCENT: Macadamia nuts!
SEPHIROTH: BRATWURST!
ANNA: Spork!
AKIRA: Cheeto!
CID: Tea, &*%^&%&^%#$%$ it!
KRIS: I would like to sing "Eyes on me" as a highly risque chinese woman...
CLOUD: Um, chinese?
ANNA: Gee, you know... they live in China?..
AKIRA: ::bonks Anna and Kris in the head with a spork:: They aren't from this world...
ANNA/KRIS: OoOOooooOOoo!
KRIS: Can we research them?
AKIRA: I don't see why not...
FFVII BOIZ: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! ::they try to run, Cloud is pounce on by Kris, Sephiroth by Anna, Cid by Matt, and Vincent by Akira::
MATT: WAIT! CHINESE PEOPLE ARE FROM JAPAN! THAT'S WHY THEY SPEAK KOREAN!
ANNA: Um, dear, I think you're wrong there...
CLOUD: NO! He's right! ::turns to Matt:: I LOVE YOU!
MATT: I LOVE YOU, TOO!
AKIRA: Heyyyyyy, how come Matt gets all the guys?
ANNA: Because I'm nice. ^_^
KRIS: OH, YEAH?! ::he pulls Matt off of Cloud and positions himself,
eyelashes fluttering, lips pursed:: Come get me, Chobo-Boo!
CLOUD: Ummm...oh, hell, I ain't picky!
SEPHIROTH: Mmmm, yaoi!
ANNA: yeah! Wanna know what I like to do with yaoi, baby?
SEPHIROTH: oooh, what?
ANNA: MST it!
(Deep silence)
AKIRA: (whispering) ignore Anna, she's very... 'special'... as in, 'special ed'.
ANNA: No, I'm (TO SPECIAL) for special ed.
AKIRA: Don't mean I'm VERY SPECIAL in special ed?
ANNA: They wouldn't let me in cause I'm TOO special
AKIRA: Ah, I see. They wanted to send you to one of those special ed schools, now... XP
ANNA: Yeah, exept they call it rehab.
AKIRA: Finally getting help with all the voices that makes you special?
ANNA: The doctors said I'm too much of a head-case, They say I'm potentialy dangerous, because I listen to the voices, but they'll never understand, noone will.
AKIRA: I understand your pain! ::embraces her::
ANNA: Finally, someone who understands me! ::clings to her::
SEPHIROTH: Hell yeah! Yuri action!
MATT: MmmMmmMm, yuri...
CLOUD: At least I got to see _them_ since I missed Tifa and all them...
VINCENT: ::shivers:: Trust me, I wouldn't _want_ to see what Tifa was doing ever again!
KRIS: I'm the wind! WOOSH!
CID: Hot damn!
ANNA: Are you sure this is legal?
AKIRA: Of course! It's a perfectly lawful act!
CLOUD: What is she doing to that llama?
MATT: I'M SPECIAL TOO! ...right?
KRIS: Yes.
SEPHIROTH: I wish people wouldn't run by and flash me.
ANNA: (lowering her shirt) Oh, sorry...
CID: You know what I hate?
CLOUD: No...
CID: When people walk up to you, then have the nerve to lick you! Like, ewww!
MATT: Wow! That was totally OOC!
AKIRA: Like, um, yeah!
ANNA: Tee hee duh!
AKIRA: Hey that my line?!
(Barret runs by in nothing but a towel)
SEPHIROTH: MY EYES! THEY'RE MELTING IN THEIR SOCKETS!!!!!!!!
CLOUD: AHHHHHHHH! ::attempts to impale himself on his sword::
KRIS: GROSS! ::jumps out a random window::
AKIRA: I'M MELTING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ::faints in horror::
ANNA: I FEEL NORMAL! ::panics and haves herself commited::
MATT: WAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! ::changes after him::
ANNA: (in the insane asylum) ANGELINA JOLIE! YESSSSSSSS!
(Meanwhile, back at the gondola...)
BARRET: (waving a clinging Matt around) Foo'! Git yoself offa mah arm!
MATT: If I do, will you take the towel off?
BARRET: FOO'!
ANNA: (bounding in wearing a tuxedo and leading a wedding gown-clad Angelina Jolie) FOO? AS IN FOO FIGHTERS?
SEPHIROTH: You got married?
ANNA: No, we're just about to!
(Matt, stunned, falls off Barret and starts crying)
ANNA: ...you can join in, too...
MATT: I better be able to!
ANGELINA: Wow. This is all furry, like an albatross.
(Everyone blinks)
AKIRA: So....
KRIS: I'M GONNA MARRY CID! (jumps in Cid's arms Bugs Bunny-style and gives him a big ol' kiss of the lips)
CID: (dropping him) GYAAAAAAAAAAAAH! ^&%^%^&%(&(*! I AIN'T NO HOMO-GAY!
VINCENT: Speaking of which, Cloud, I still want to seduce you.
CLOUD: (staring at Matt's ass) What was that about the juice prunes?
VINCENT: ....
AKIRA: ::slides up to Vincent: I'll marry you...
VINCENT: ...?! I thought we got married on the FOURPG list...
AKIRA: OoooOOoooo yeah... ::glares at Cloud:: You were going to cheat on me with HIM?!
VINCENT: Well, ah... um... you didn't seem to mind!
AKIRA: Well I forgot we were married! ::pulls out mallet and chases him::
KRIS: ::clings to Cid:: But I LOVE YOU!
CID: Hot damn boy! Let go! ::struggles::
BARRET: Ya know, all dis gay shit gonna on makin me ill!
MATT: I'll make you feel better ::dresses like Mana::
BARRET: ...?! What were your grabin boy!
MATT: ehehehehehe...
ANNA: ::looks down:: I have no pants on...
ALL: .....
MATT: (immediately loses interest in Barret) Bye, Barret...::runs towards
Anna::
ANNA: Matt! HEY! HEY! ::slap::
MATT: OWWWW! What?!
ANNA: (primly) I forgot to bring the Bigass Kinky Goth Feather. ((er, private joke, sorry))
MATT: DAMN! DAMN IT ALL TO HELL!
KRIS: Eeeeeeewwww...
ANNA: HEY!
CLOUD: Matt, can you do that?
MATT: Okay! ::takes off his pants. underneath, he is wearing...another pair of pants:: Oh, whoopsies.
AKIRA: *_*;; Alllllrighty then...
ANGELINA JOLIE: Wow, multiple pants. That's so fucking deep.
SEPHIROTH: I am quite bored. Isn't there gonna be any stripping here?
AKIRA: But Anna's not--
SEPHIROTH: Please...don't remind me...
ANNA: HEY! I would like to let you know that my legs are as long, smooth, and taunt as a rubber band! (she struts forward. Vincent sticks his foot out and trips her up)
VINCENT: And as wobbly...
AKIRA: ::kicks Vincent:: That was mean!
VINCENT: Cid made me do it! Because of his abuse of Shera! ::kicks Cid::
CID: Hot damn, boy! Don't kick me! ::kicks Kris::
KRIS: Stupid Canadians! ::kicks Matt::
MATT: Akira stole my cheetos! ::kicks Barret::
BARRET: Damn foo! You don't be kickin me! ::kicks Angelina Jolie::
ANGELINA JOLIE: Insolent fool! ::kicks Sephiroth::
SEHPIROTH: BITCH! ::kicks Cloud::
CLOUD: WAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! Meanie! ::runs off crying::
AKIRA: What's weird? The fact Cloud asking for Cheese or Barret singing
"Eyes on Me"?
VINCENT: ALL OF IT! I swear, it's a conspircy against me by HOJO!
AKIRA: HOJO?!
ALL: ::gasp::
ANNA: Hojo is, like, totally, like, gross!
MATT: Yeah! Talk about bad fashion sense! Even Cloud's hair is more in
style then that horrid lab coat!
CLOUD: WHAT?!? My hair?... ::stares::
VINCENT: I know! I can understand that Hojo can't have great hair like
most of us, but to have a coat more out of style then Cloud's hair!
CLOUD: out of style?...
KRIS: Like, totally! HELLO! Where is the fashion police?! Someone should
give Hojo a book on FASHION! before he turns out like Cloud...
CLOUD: I'm not fashionable anymore?!
AKIRA: Yeah! I mean, he's as bad as Crono!
ALL: ::gasp::
KRIS: And Cloud is, like, Crono's double!
CLOUD: ::runs off crying::