A/N: This is a messed-up little plot bunny that wouldn't leave me alone but it's pretty dark so be warned, this work contains seriously problematic consent issues. I've tagged this as Dean/Cas and Sam/Cas and didn't write this as a Wincest fic but you could read it that way if you squint.
I had no time to hate, because
The grave would hinder me,
And life was not so ample I
Could finish enmity.
Nor had I time to love, but since
Some industry must be,
The little toil of love, I thought,
Was large enough for me.
Emily Dickinson
Sam didn't quite understand how they had ended up in this situation. How, despite the fact it was Dean who was head over heels in love with Cas, it was Sam who was having regular sex with the angel. Sam wasn't sure if it was healthy to be having this much sex, to be honest. It certainly wasn't working out so well for his mental health, and yet for reasons he couldn't fathom, neither of them seemed able to stop.
Officially, it was a secret. Unofficially, Sam was pretty sure Dean knew, which made the whole thing all the weirder. If you'd asked Sam, three weeks ago before this all began, what Dean's reaction would have been, he would have said that Dean response would be anger or denial. Certainly not this bizarre, quiet acceptance of what was happening.
Cas's behavior was just as mysterious. There had never been any illusions between them that this was anything other than sex, albeit incredible, mind-blowing sex. But although Sam held the angel in genuine affection, he was not in love with him, nor did he think he ever could be. And Cas had hinted that his heart belonged only to Dean, even if he had not come out and said so explicitly.
The worst of it was he had nobody he could talk to about it. Bobby was long dead, and probably wouldn't have approved anyway. Charlie might have understood, but she was also gone, a fact that still made Sam's throat hurt whenever he thought about it. Who else could even come close to making sense of it all?
Sam's musings were interrupted by Cas entering his room. He didn't even bother to knock anymore, and that was starting disturb Sam too. The angel had that look in his eye, the one that said he was ready for another round. Sam mutely disrobed, unable to even meet Cas's gaze but the angel either didn't notice, or didn't care. He was always tender and careful not to hurt Sam, at least not physically. But this was already the third time today and Sam was tired. Not in body, Cas always took care of that afterwards. But in mind and spirit, he was exhausted because he knew what they were doing was wrong. On his hands and knees, ready and waiting, he hung his head in shame.
Cas didn't speak. He rarely spoke when they came together like this, and Sam mostly restricted himself to wordless sounds and gasps. But not today.
"No more," he said softly. "After this, we're done."
"No," Cas replied, moving into position behind him.
Sam turned his head and Cas gently but firmly pushed it away so that Sam couldn't look at him. He'd always been adamant that he didn't want Sam to see him when they fucked. He gritted his teeth. "What do you mean, no?"
"We're done when I say we're done," Cas said. His voice was toneless and Sam felt a wave of nausea. He tried to pull away from the angel but Cas was so much stronger than he was and he kept Sam's hips firmly in place as he entered him with one smooth thrust. Sam gave up. He couldn't fight back, couldn't even summon up the will to resist. His body was already betraying him, his arousal building even as he wished fervently for it to be over. Cas set a punishing rhythm that made Sam's mind go blank, unable to think about anything but how this made him feel. He gasped and writhed as the angel drove into his body, almost at the point where he would beg for release.
There was a knock at the door. "Sam?" Dean's voice filtered through the wood. Sam froze. Cas ignored it, and gave Sam a light admonishing slap on the buttock. And then, to Sam's horror, Dean opened the door. His eyes widened, just for a moment, and then his expression settled into one of resigned despair. Cas was still fucking him as if nothing were going on, to Sam's appalled incredulity. Dean didn't move, and it seemed as though his gaze was riveted on Cas. Sam could feel that the angel was close, even though that scarcely seemed possible under the circumstances.
Cas slid one hand across his stomach and down, shockingly gripping Sam in one fist and making him wheeze with a complex mixture of arousal and humiliation. Despite everything, he was going to climax right here, with his brother staring at them both like he was watching the death of everyone he'd ever loved. He felt the angel's body begin to shake as he came, and even though Sam couldn't see his face, he knew Cas's eyes were locked on Dean's the whole time. Cas's hand tightened reflexively and that was enough to push Sam over the edge and he howled, a sound that was both pleasure and misery.
Cas had stopped moving and was holding Sam in position with one arm wrapped around his waist. Dean didn't say anything, he just stepped back and closed the door. Sam could hear his footsteps, slow and steady as he walked away.
Sam waited, the sound of his breathing seeming to echo in the small room. When it didn't look like Cas was going to say anything or even move, he shifted uncomfortably.
"Cas, he knows," Sam said. He felt stupid, saying something so obvious but he couldn't tell what the angel was feeling when he couldn't even see him.
"He's always known," Cas said, his voice so low Sam could barely hear him. "It was his idea."
That was enough for Sam. He struggled away from the angel's hold and shoved Cas away from him. He was hot and sticky and his skin rippled with disgust. What the Hell were they doing? Cas just stood there looking at him, his eyes dark.
"What the fuck, Cas?" he blurted out, his mind whirling.
"You remember how this started," the angel rumbled.
"Of course I remember," Sam snarled. "You said you were interested in sex with a man but you weren't comfortable picking up a stranger. I told you to ask Dean."
"And I explained to you that Dean is not interested in same-sex encounters," Cas said stiffly.
"Yeah," Sam said, rolling his eyes. "Like an idiot, I offered to help you out. Are you telling me you did approach Dean first, and he told you to ask me?"
Yes," Cas said. He made it sound so simple, like this was the most natural thing in the world. But there was nothing normal about what was going on here. Sam was aware his mouth was opening and closing without any sound coming out but he couldn't quite believe what he was hearing.
"Fine," he said eventually, although it wasn't fine, not even close. "But we are done now."
Cas canted one eyebrow at him in an arrogant way that reminded Sam of how the seraph had been when they'd first met. "And I said no."
Sam felt vulnerable suddenly, standing there naked while having this argument. He grabbed his jeans and struggled into them, trying not to think about what was on his skin as he did so. He pulled his shirt over his head and felt a little of the tension in his body release now he was less exposed.
"You can't do this to me without my consent," he said.
Cas continued to look at him in that cold, proud way that made him feel like he was talking to a stranger.
"I have your consent," the angel said finally.
Sam backed away and cursed when he realized he was up against the door. "No, you don't. I just withdrew it. That's how it works."
Cas stalked towards him, his eyes predatory and a jolt of fear shot down Sam's spine. Cas leaned forward, placing one hand on the door beside Sam's head and his face was savage. "You are reneging on our agreement?"
"What agreement?" Sam cried. "I said we could experiment with whatever you wanted to try. What more do you want from me?"
"I need you to see this through," Cas said. He leaned away from Sam and the hunter watched him warily as he began picking up his clothes.
"I can't," Sam told him. "It was bad enough when I suspected Dean knew. Things got even worse when he just walked in on us. But you're telling me not only has he known the entire time and said nothing, but he's involved somehow. Explain this to me, Cas, because I sure as Hell don't understand."
Cas sighed as he climbed into his clothes. "You're not going to like it."
"I don't fucking like it now!" Sam yelled.
"When I decided I wanted the experience of sex with men, of course I went to Dean first. He was very kind, but told me in no uncertain terms that he does not experience same-sex attraction and therefore would not be comfortable performing such acts with me." Cas looked contemplative as he spoke, although the way he kept fidgeting suggested he wasn't as calm as he appeared. "So I asked him what I ought to do instead. He said that he believed you 'rowed on both sides of the boat', to use his exact expression, and that I should ask you if you would mind helping me out." Cas had used his fingers to indicate quotation marks and Sam let out a noise that was part laugh and part sob. This was so fucked up, like some kind of nightmare.
"And that's it?" Sam asked, fearful of the answer.
"Of course not," Cas said. "He was angry when he said it, and it was clear that he didn't actually mean it. I believe he thought I would not want anyone else and said it just to see me refuse. This way he maintains his position of power."
Sam gaped at him, utterly horrified. "Position of power?"
Cas narrowed his eyes slightly. "I am in love with Dean. He knows this. By attempting to shame me in this fashion, he keeps me at arm's length. But he does not want me to give up and move on, so he toys with my emotions just enough that I never completely lose hope."
"Jesus," Sam breathed. "Cas, that's seriously screwed up." He shook his head, unable to quite comprehend what a Godawful mess this was. "I wish you'd told me the truth in the beginning."
"If I had, would you have agreed to my plan?" Cas said, his tone deceptively mild. Sam suddenly had the sense that he'd stepped on a landmine.
"Which is?" he said as neutrally as he could.
"To force Dean to recognize that he is repressing his feelings for me," Cas said, as though this was totally obvious.
"And what am I in all this," Sam snapped. "Just a warm, wet fucking hole?"
Cas's face set hard. "That's a little coarser than I would have put it, but essentially, yes."
"That's fucking cold," Sam said.
Cas shrugged, as if to say such human things were beyond him. "Once more, Sam. Just one more time. We're almost there."
Sam swallowed past the lump in his throat, his insides turning to ice. "And if I say no?"
"I wouldn't," the angel advised. Sam hated him in that moment. And hated himself because he knew what he was going to do.
"OK," he said. "One more time. But that's it. No matter what happens, I'm done."
Cas nodded gravely and moved towards Sam again, who shrank back involuntarily. "You're standing against the door," the angel said, a touch of grim amusement in his voice.
Sam slid along the wall away from the door and watched as the angel left. Then he crumpled into a heap on the floor and wept.
He didn't know why he'd agreed to it. Cas hadn't made any specific threats and it was entirely possible the angel was bluffing. So why hadn't he at least tried to say no? That was the kicker, because the truth was part of Sam didn't want to stop. Even though it was destroying him, there was a piece of him that wanted to be taken screaming into the abyss by this madness. He wondered if he'd ever recover from what he was doing to himself. If Cas's plan worked, him and Dean would have some 'come to Jesus' moment-
Sam had to force a fist into his mouth to stop the bark of slightly crazed laughter that threatened to bubble up inside him at the inappropriateness of that expression. He breathed in and out slowly, counting backwards from one hundred until he'd mastered himself again. Whatever the outcome, one thing was certain; Sam would be left to pick up the pieces. Either Dean and Cas would come together and probably be disgustingly happy just to round it all off. Or Cas's plan would backfire and Sam didn't even want to contemplate how that fallout would look.
He got laboriously to his feet and decided he needed a drink. The only way he was going to get through this was to be as drunk as possible until it was all over. He left his room and headed for the library, since he figured it was the least likely place to run into either his brother or the angel, and they kept a stock of liquor in there. But Chuck was not smiling on him today. Dean was in there, steadily working through a bottle of bourbon and Cas was leaning against a bookcase, watching him with hooded eyes. Sam pivoted and was almost out the door when Dean spoke up.
"Don't leave."
He turned back to face him, adrenaline beginning to pump through his veins. If Dean wanted to pummel him, he wasn't sure he had the will to fight back. But Dean had filled a glass and was holding it out to him, his hand shaking slightly. Sam wasn't sure if it was from nerves or temper. He accepted it warily and sat down as far away as he could without seeming too obvious about it.
"I-" Dean started and then broke off abruptly. He gulped down more bourbon and kept his eyes focused on the table. "I guess this is partly my fault."
Sam didn't know what to say to that. After all, Cas had come to him after Dean had rejected him. But Sam didn't have to say yes, and he definitely didn't have to keep saying yes long after it had moved from friends-with-benefits to some fucked-up power game.
"But I'm not mad at you, Sam," Dean continued. "You're an adult and Cas is-" He waved a hand expressively. "He can do what he wants. So, I uh… guess I hope you'll be happy together." Dean choked a little as those last few words came tumbling out, as though they had got caught in his throat.
"Dean, this isn't-" Cas caught his eye with a movement of his head and he faltered. The warning in the angel's eyes was clear.
It didn't matter, Dean wasn't listening anyway. He picked up his glass and the bottle and gave Sam a nod without actually managing to meet his eyes.
"I'm gonna...be elsewhere," he said dully into some middle distance and walked slowly out of the room.
Sam wanted to die. Dean's pain was so palpable it was a living breathing thing that still seemed to inhabit the room even though he'd left. He met the angel's gaze, hoping to see some recognition of that fact but he was disappointed. Cas's mouth was fixed in a thin, severe line and there was a crease between his eyebrows that Sam recognized as anger.
"Cas, I don't think I can do this," he said helplessly.
"You can and you will." Cas was merciless, his voice vibrating with suppressed rage.
"Can't you see how much he's hurting?" Sam asked him, astonished that the angel couldn't see it.
"It's not enough," Cas insisted.
"Not enough for what?" Was Cas trying to break Dean down completely? Sam wasn't sure that was a good idea. "If you go to him now, and tell him everything you told me, don't you think he'll-"
"No. Come with me," Cas ordered, and swept out of the library. Sam exhaled heavily and followed him. The angel strode through to the kitchen and stood there expectantly. Sam gave him a puzzled look and yelped as Cas's hand came down on the back of his neck, pressing him face down on the table.
"What the Hell?" Sam struggled against the angel's hold but he was no more capable of pushing him away than he had been earlier.
"Now," Cas said sternly.
"What, here?" Sam almost shrieked. Cas had lost his mind, it was the only explanation.
"Yes. I'm going to let you up. I want you to turn around and face me."
Sam felt the pressure on his neck release and he spun towards the angel, his fist clenched and ready to strike. Cas caught his hand easily and pushed his arm away easily. He didn't laugh, but Sam had the impression he wanted to.
"Strip."
"No, Cas, no way." Sam said, shaking his head. "This has gone too far."
Cas didn't repeat himself, he just grabbed fistfuls of Sam's t-shirt and tore it right down the middle. Sam goggled at him in outrage. "Fucking Hell, Cas." Scared the angel would rip his jeans right off his body if he didn't comply, he quickly shucked them and stood there, cold and nude and feeling more helpless than he'd ever felt in his life. His hands automatically tried to cover his crotch and Cas smacked them away with a casual bat of his hand. He backed Sam against the table and then took handfuls of his hair and dragged him down into a bruising, ferocious kiss. Sam flailed his arms in panic. Cas had never kissed him before, they'd agreed early on that kissing was not part of the deal. But the angel was insistent and to Sam's astonishment, he was good at this, drawing out Sam's lust and arousal and making everything else fade into the background.
By the time Cas slid his hands under Sam's buttocks and lifted him onto the tabletop, Sam was past caring. Despite the three orgasms Cas had already wrung from his body today, he was as hot and eager as if he'd been celibate for a month.
"Oh, God, Cas," Sam groaned in the angel's ear. Cas rewarded him with a playful nip at the skin of his neck, and Sam shivered. Apparently pleased with that reaction, Cas scraped his teeth over that sensitive spot again and Sam's whole body shuddered in response. The angel hummed his approval and then claimed Sam's mouth again. His hands parted Sam's legs wide and there was an intense sensation of pressure and heat as the angel bore down on him. Sam had never wanted anything so badly as he wanted Cas in that moment. As wild as they had been, none of their previous encounters had been anything like this.
And then Cas was inside him and Sam bit down on his shoulder, drawing a grunt from the angel's throat. He began to move, slowly at first, so slowly Sam's toes began to curl from the relentless, agonizing pace that teetered on the brink of pain. But soon Cas started increasing the speed and force with which he was thrusting into Sam, his rhythm became ragged and his teeth clashed against Sam's.
Behind Sam's head, he heard a sound and he tilted his head back to see Dean standing in the door of the kitchen watching them, his mouth open and his eyes dark with suffering and desire. Cas had raised his head and riveted his gaze on Dean, but just as before he didn't stop or even slow down. The experience for Sam was surreal, being fucked by Cas on the kitchen table while Cas's full attention seemed to be on his brother. And when Cas climaxed he cried out Dean's name. Sam was too close not to follow him over the edge, even as his body burned with the indignity of it all. Cas had gone completely rigid and paid no attention to him as he gasped through the aftershocks.
Sam lay there as Cas and Dean stared at each other, feeling utterly invisible. He wanted to speak, but what could he say? He wished Cas would move so that he could get away from this awkward, awful moment, one that Cas had engineered to perfection. Revulsion began to stir within him, for himself, for Cas and even for Dean for his part in this whole sorry saga. As that feeling began to morph into anger, he shoved hard at Cas's chest. Cas looked down at him in surprise, confirming Sam's belief that the angel had forgotten he was even there. He backed away and offered Sam his hand to help him off the table. Sam swatted it away with a contemptuous snarl.
Cas ignored the gesture, his awareness once more consumed with Dean's presence. Sam looked at his brother but he was similarly enthralled and Sam wasn't sure there was anything he could do to break the spell. He picked up his jeans, the remains of his shirt and what little was left of his dignity, and stalked out of the room. Neither Cas nor Dean noticed him leave.