Disclaimer: Characters owned by Naoko Takeuchi.

So, some back story on this particular piece. Have any of you heard of a blogger named Jet Wolf? She runs (or rather, she ran) a blog called Key of Nik, and she's a big Sailor Moon fan. Jet does extensive liveblogs of Sailor Moon episodes, providing commentary on plots, arcs, and characters, as well as providing plenty of head canons on certain episodes. She recently had to restart her blog as Key of Jet Wolf.

During her liveblog session of episode 181, she particularly loved the tidbit during the beginning when Minako announces she acquired tickets to see a movie called "Adults Love XX." Jet came up with an idea about Minako tricking the girls into what was supposed to be weekend training session in the mountains, but turned out to be her getting the rest of the Inner Senshi to watch porn. "Trapped Senshi Porn Weekend." Upon our many ponderings, I assumed that Rei would most likely be very critical over how she, or that is, Sailor Mars, had been portrayed in several Sailor Moon-themed hentai, and basically wrote to the production company AS Sailor Mars criticizing several films.

Because Rei is just the kind of egomaniac who has the highest set of standards for how she is portrayed in fiction, even in porn.

Enjoy.

Dear Golden Love Goodtimes Production Company,

My name is Sailor Mars.

Yes. Sailor Mars.

No I am not joking, I am really Sailor Mars.

This following weekend I was forced into watching several movies produced by Golden Love Goodtimes Production Company featuring stand-ins of myself and my compatriots in the Sailor Soldiers engaging in pornographic acts. Now I have no objection to sexual acts, but I have several objections to how the characters meant to represent ME had been portrayed, and I took the opportunity to write them down so that I may discuss them with you.

The list goes as follows:

1. In "Back Door Senshi Love," the Sailor Mars stand-in, Go-Go Ares, is not wearing the appropriate kind of high heels. My high heels are, and always have been, red. Not candy apple. Not brick. Not geranium. FUCKING. RED. I don't know what that actress had on but that was a nasty ass version of orange trying to pass itself off as scarlet and I do not approve. You should fire whoever's in charge of the wardrobe. And no, that's not a pun.

2. "Angel Love 69" had one of the most appalling Senshi pairings I have ever seen. It was clear that Devil Commander Bloodstone was a stand-in for Jadeite. JADEITE. FUCKING JADEITE. YOU PAIRED UP THE MARS CHARACTER WITH JADEITE. DID YOU EVER MEET THIS ASSHOLE? HE WAS A CONDESCENDING MISOGNYST DOUCHEBAG CREEPER WHO ALWAYS TARGETED YOUNG GIRLS AND NEVER GOT OFF HIS ASS TO DO ANYTHING BY HIMSELF. WE RAN HIM OVER WITH A PLANE. And you have pair him up with Fire Girl? WHAT THE ABSOLUTE FUCK. I had to fight back the urge to run a plane over the TV set when I saw the epic climax scene. Don't you EVER let this happen again!

3. "Senshi Love War Part 2." The kanji on the ofuda scrolls Queen Mars was using were misspelled. It didn't say "Evil Spirit Begone" it said "Evil Spirit Beget." Beget WHAT?! Please have someone spell-check in the future.

4. I am not a Buddhist. The Sailor Mariner Red in "Pretty Princess Sailor Mariner XXX" is Buddhist. She should've been a follower of Shinto.

5. "Sailor And the 7 Balls." NO. NO TO ALL OF IT. DESTROY IT.

6. "Let's Love Moon Girls." The background music tracks on Mars Girl's transformation/stripping segments were never in sync. I replayed it twice and checked it at different volumes to make sure I wasn't imagining it. Surprise surprise, I did not.

And finally

7. "Lemon Scented Soldier Love." You made the Mars character the villain. YOU MADE ME THE VILLAIN. SHE WAS A FUCKING DOMINATRIX WITH DADDY ISSUES. THE ACTRESS HAD A DILDO STRAPPED TO HER THAT SHOT FLAMES. SHE TURNED INTO AN UGLY OLD CROW MAN AND SLEPT WITH THE SAILOR MOON AND SAILOR VENUS STAND-INS. THIS WENT ON FOR FIFTEEN MINUTES. DEMONS CAME OUT OF HER VAGINA AND THEN IT TURNED INTO A DRAGON. YOU TRAUMATIZED SAILOR MOON AND VENUS WON'T LET ME HEAR THE END OF THIS. I HAD TO BE RESTRAINED FROM BURING THE BUILDING DOWN.

Now then, as I have listed these grievances for your consideration, I would now like to offer some suggestions for future marketing material.

Always remember that my color scheme is red and purple. My element is fire. My high heels are a reasonable size and always in the shade of red.

I would like to offer the idea of doing a film where the Mars character is the main hero, constantly saving a blonde hair dimwit who is always getting into trouble. I'd also like to suggest a portrayal of future Mars expies where she is a confident and important businesswoman who travels around the world fighting evil and engaging in international sex acts with many different lovers before finally being elected president of the world.

You may also consider making Mars a singer, songwriter, CEO, race car driver, explorer, aerobics instructor, hunter, stewardess, or astronaut. Or all of them together. Along with being President.

And NEVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES PAIR UP MARS AND VENUS TOGETHER NEVER FOREVER DO YOU HEAR ME SHE IS EVIL AND MANIPULATIVE AND SNEAKY AND I'LL NEVER HEAR THE END OF IT.

That is all I have to say.

Thank you for your consideration.

Signed,

The Lovely Warrior Of Flames, Sailor Mars.

P.S. If you ever pair me up with Jadeite again, I will kill each and every one of you.

P.P.S. My regards to Yuuko Yukina from "Basement Warriors." I admire her vocal pitch and capacity for bending backwards without hurting herself. Please have her play Mars more often.