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Kozume Kenma didn't like change. He liked things the way things were. He didn't mind small changed every now and again but for the most part he preferred to keep things the way they were. That's maybe why staying goodbye to Kuroo was the hardest thing he'd done for a long time. And sure he'd seen it coming because Kuroo was older than him and would graduate first. It was just how things were and Kenma knew that - he accepted that fact long before actual graduation. He knew that Kuroo would leave, just like he had after junior high. He left and Kenma would soon follow.
But it wasn't junior high any more and Kenma wasn't moving on to follow in his friends footsteps to some other school. No Kuroo had moved away. Sure it was only an hour away in Yokohama but it was an hour that made a difference. Kenma didn't want to follow Kuroo into sports education. After Kuroo left high school, he'd came very close to leaving volleyball all together. Probably would have had it not been for Hinata's infectious enthusiasm and Lev refusing to let him. So he held on, even just for the small amount of friends he had and it being the last reminder of Kuroo's influence.
Kuroo being an hour away didn't matter that much. Texts were cheap and video chats worked (when Kuroo's university wifi didn't lag - which it did often). Detailed emails were sent back and forth. Had it not been the fact that he didn't see Kuroo every day, Kenma could half convince himself that things didn't have to change and life could continue on the way it was.
"Sorry but I have to go. I promised that I'd go out with a couple of my classmates. So I'll talk to you tomorrow okay."
Of course things couldn't stay the same and no amount of poor excuses could keep the truth from seeping through the cracks. Daily calls slowly became every two or three days. The emails became less detailed. The video chats stopped all together. Things were changing and Kenma was powerless to stop it. No matter how much he tried to delude himself that it wasn't. He still played volleyball and talked to Hinata and Akaashi (who was going through a similar situation with Bokuto). He played games and tried to convince himself that nothing would change that much. Sure he didn't talk to Kuroo every day but that wasn't that important, it wasn't like they spoke every day outside of school anyway. Nothing was changing. Nothing, nothing, nothing.
"You have reached the answering machine of Kuroo Tetsurou, just leave your name and number and I'll call you back."
The calls stopped as the trees began to drop their leaves and the sky's became more cloudy than not. And still Kenma tried to convince himself that nothing was changing. Kuroo would be busy, he was in university. It was a lot more intensive than high school after all. Besides he still got through to Kuroo most of the time. Sure it wasn't every day or even every other day but the fact that they still talked was enough. The emails by then had really just became sentences by that point, a brief overview of the week - they eventually stopped too.
"Do you miss Kuroo?" Hinata had asked one evening. "I know I miss Suga, Daichi and Asahi."
"I still talk to him."
He didn't answer the question.
"It must be weird not seeing him everyday."
"We manage."
Kenma managed. Somehow.
By the time snow blanketed the grounds, the calls had stopped.
Volleyball was becoming a chore and not an activity he minded doing because he knew that Kuroo would be there to support him. The new first years grated on his nerves and he wanted nothing to do with them. Kenma was glad that he wasn't the captain or vice captain and could keep his distance. That distance lead him to skipping a practice on a Friday. He was tired and wanted to go home - one practice wouldn't hurt that much. After all there was a new setter amongst the first years who would probably be taking his place after he graduated. So he was doing the kid a favour by not turning up - more practice for younger players always helped.
One skipped practice turned into two. A Tuesday evening after a bad day at school. He didn't want to talk to anybody so left silently and got the train home. His mum was home.
"Kenma, don't you have practice?"
"It was . . . cancelled." It felt easier to lie. He slipped off his shoes and tried to go to his room but was stopped by his mum.
"Are you okay? You'd tell me if you weren't."
Kenma paused and looked at his mum before forcing a smile onto his face. "I'm okay. I'm going to do homework, just call me down for dinner."
He turned away without looking back and if he had, he might have noticed the sad look in his mums eye.
"Kenma, how come you weren't at practice?"
Lev always drew attention to himself - from his height, to his appearance, to his personality. So to have him looming over his head scared Kenma ever so sightly, plus he could tell people were staring at him - it rather Lev and him. He really didn't like people staring at him.
"I wasn't . . . feeling well." Kenma turned his head away from Lev who was looking at him with a somewhat sad look in his eye.
"You're feeling better today right? So you'll be coming to practise?"
"Yeah . . . Maybe."
He muttered that last part, the idea of going to practise weighing down on him for sure reason. It was a weight that has been building for the year, going into the gym and expecting Kuroo to be standing with Yaku. He'd turn and smile as Kenma walked in, he'd shout his name and wave and Kenma would walk over and tell Kuroo off for drawing attention to him. Kuroo would laugh and the coach would turn up and practise would begin. But now, there wasn't that. There wasn't Kuroo anymore. He was 30 miles away living his own life without Kenma.
It was getting harder to say things weren't changing.
"We should have a practise match before winter break."
Hinata still talked to him. Told him stories about school and about Karasuno's practice. How Ennoshita was doing as the captain, how Tanaka was the new ace, how Noya had a protégé who was actually taller than him. He told him about his life and how his mum tried to teach him how to cook and his little sister tried to play volleyball with him and Kageyama and how his dad was coming back from working in the UK. All very mundane things but for some reason it helped. It helped to keep the growing loneliness away and remind him that everybody lived their lives.
The messages had stopped by then or were once every few weeks. He'd given up replying to most of them. It just didn't seem worth the effort anymore. Kuroo was living his life and doing something he enjoyed. He didn't need Kenma to be pulling him back. Tethering him to his old high school life that didn't matter any more, that was all in the past. And everything was changing, changing, changing. It always was and Kenma couldn't stop it. He couldn't stop Kuroo moving on and forgetting him. He couldn't stop somebody living their life because he was lonely.
It wasn't fair.
"How come you stopped coming to practise?"
Lev again and Kenma didn't even bother answering. He just walked away without looking back and without hearing Lev calling his name. He went home.
"Kenma, you need to tell me if something is wrong."
His mum again. He shot her the same false smile. It was like smiling through tears.
"Nothing's wrong. You don't need to worry."
You don't need to worry . . .
He has said that to Kuroo. Just before he moved. That he would be just fine. That they would stay in touch age nothing would change. What did 30 miles mean? It meant nothing. It had meant nothing but suddenly 30 miles meant a lot. It meant not seeing somebody every day that he had seen practically everyday since junior high. He was lying on his bed when the tears started rolling down his face. He'd been fine. He was fine. Nothing was wrong. Nothing was wrong. Nothing was . . .
Wrong.
Everything was wrong. He was wrong. Life was wrong. Kuroo was wrong. He was not fine. He was lonely. So lonely. Lonelier than he had been in a long time. And he was deluding himself that nothing was wrong. Nothing had changed. It was all lies. Every single bit of it. He hadn't been fine since he stopped talking to Kuroo. Since he had stopped playing volleyball.
"Mum . . . I miss him so much."
It was maybe embarrassing for somebody who was nearly leaving high school to be crying about something like that to their mum. But he didn't know what else to do. Kuroo had always been the one to help him out and his parents were there if it was serious. But Kuroo wasn't there - he wasn't able to help. So Kenma let himself cry as his mum wrapped her arms around him, smoothing down his hair and assuring him that everything would be okay.
He didn't go to school the next day or the day after that. His mum didn't press it, she encouraged a few days off to collect himself and calm down. It would be good for him she said. On the Friday night there was a knock on his bedroom door. He called a weak 'yeah' before rolling over on his bed and expecting to see his mum but instead also coming face to face with Kuroo.
Kenma's heart just about stopped.
"I'm sorry."
They had been sitting in silence for nearly 20 minutes before Kuroo finally spoke. He was sitting on Kenma's desk chair, half facing his former friend. Kenma hadn't said a word. He didn't want to.
"I'm sorry . . . that I stopped messaging you. That I left you alone."
"You don't have to be . . . things. Things change."
Kuroo stood up and moved to sit on Kenma's bed and Kenma scooted away, suddenly feeling like he was invading Kuroo's space, a feeling that he hadn't felt before.
"I didn't mean to stop talking to you. I just . . ."
"Moved on." Kenma finished.
". . . Was ashamed."
Kenma looked towards Kuroo for the second time that evening, Kuroo didn't look back and instead kept looking at his hands. He had changed. Kenma could see it in the way he sat, the look in his eye, the way he spoke . . .
"Ashamed?"
"I . . . I haven't been enjoying the course. I used to . . . at the start but something changed. I didn't want to quit though. You seemed proud of me, my parents were proud of me and I didn't want to let people down. I guess I stopped talking to you because . . . I didn't want to . . . give up. To let you see me giving up."
Kenma swallowed back tears before pulling Kuroo into a hug. The two sat like that for a while. It was something they both had missed. It had been too long.
"I'm sorry Kenma. I really am."
They lay together, falling asleep in each others arms and only waking when Kenma's alarm went off.
"I think I might go for a course in advertising. I was always persuasive. What do you think?"
"Mhm . . ." It was a non-committal noise of approval. "You'd be good at that."
"The university also has a good course in game design and animation you know."
Kenma looked up at Kuroo and for the first time in a long while gave his first genuine smile.
Kozume Kenma didn't like change. He liked things the way things were. He didn't mind small changed every now and again but for the most part he preferred to keep things the way they were. That's maybe why staying goodbye to Kuroo was never an option.
A/N: I have not used this site in over a year. Help