Disclaimer: None of these characters are mine. All rights go to Michael Patrick King and Whitney Cummings.
2 broke girls And the Nobody's Safe
-Caroline hatches a plan to "barrow" money from Han's secret safe.
"I've been working on my magic for the past couple days," Han announces coming out of his office.
He goes up to Max who is pretending to change the special's board but is obviously just drawling a penis.
"Abracadabra I turn you into a waitress!"
Max abruptly turns around. "Oh my god."
She quickly jumps off the step stool to hand Han a napkin. "Notre Dame Leprechaun can I have your autograph?"
"Damn it, this thing must be broken!" he exclaims throwing it in the trash. "Where is Caroline?"
"She's in the back at our shop," Max responds while straightening out her uniform.
"Well tell her to get out here and work! I'd have a better chance having a dog as a waitress!" the boss yells.
"Han, please," Max interrupts. "I'm over here not caring."
"You're the reason I spend five days a week at therapy!"
…
"Caroline, over here," Oleg whispers to her from the serving window.
"No Oleg. I don't want to see the penis wearing a sombrero picture again."
"Just come here."
Using caution, Caroline follows him back to the walk in freezer. Oleg lifts up an old moldy bucket and points to the wall behind a shelf.
"Oooh, a secret safe," the blonde smiles. "What do you think is in there?"
"My guess sexy lady porn."
"No surprise there," she shutters. "This is Han we're talking about."
"You're right," Oleg nods. "Sexy man porn."
Max unknowingly sneaks up on the duo hovered over the shelf in the walk in and puts her head in between their shoulders.
"What are you looking at?"
The two snap back around, clearly startled by the sudden outburst.
"Look its Han's secret safe," Caroline points.
"Full of porn?" Max asks.
"I know, right?"
…
"So, Max. I've been up all night trying to guess possible passwords for the safe," Caroline says from the couch as Max comes out of her room.
"And I've been up all night trying to guess why I still let you live in my apartment," the brunette retorts.
"Seriously what would a Han type password be?"
"Lucky charms?"
Caroline rolls her eyes at her roommate while Max comes to sit down next to her.
"Why do you even care what's in the dumb safe?" Max questions. "Knowing him it's probably jars of baby food or diapers."
"Or money and scratchers."
"Who keeps money in a safe?"
"People who have money," Caroline answers. "We can borrow some for our cupcake business."
"We're going to steal money from Han?"
"Since when are you the good one?" Caroline jokes.
"Oh, I'm not. I'm just jealous I didn't think of that."
…
"Alright do your magic," the blonde smiles from behind her.
"Don't distract me woman," she says while starting to pick the lock on the diner.
"I still can't believe Han doesn't trust us enough to give us keys."
"What we're doing right now is the exact reason he won't give us keys," Max smirks. "We're in."
The girls quietly open the squeaky diner door and make their way inside. Caroline goes straight for the walk in freezer while Max has her eyes set on the cash register.
"Happy birthday to me."
Caroline puts on a glove before opening up the walk in freezer. She throws it open, turns towards the shelf and clears away all the sauce to get easier access of the safe.
"I can't believe I haven't noticed this before," she shakes her head at herself.
While the Wharton grad goes to work Max tries to pry open the register with a ruler she found courtesy of the bosses office.
"I know something is a foot. My scenes are tingling."
Max freezes upon hearing Han's voice coming closer. Without hesitation she ducks down hitting her head in the process.
Han goes to use his key to open the door but puts it back seeing the door is already open.
"Who's in here!" he demands. "And I'm going to warn you I'm a green belt in karate."
As the smaller man heads to the kitchen, using the ruler he picked up as a weapon, Max slowly starts to army crawl her way to the door. When Han is out of sight she stands up and runs the rest of the way out.
But her escape is cut short when she collides with Oleg sending her, once again, to the ground.
"What are you doing here?" Max whispers.
"What are you doing here?" Oleg counters. "You were trying to get into the safe, weren't you?"
"I don't care about the damn safe," Max rolls her eyes as she gets up. "I was trying to get into the register until Han came in and blew it all up in my face."
"Lucky bastard," Oleg sighs.
"And I'm not going to stick around to watch Caroline get fired, again."
"Right behind you."
"No way. You're starting up first."
"Oh hey guys," Sophie waves walking up to them. "Oleg texted me about the porn safe and it was either this or any movie with Will Ferrell so obviously I chose this."
"Didn't you get my text to pull out?"
"But we're not having sex."
"No, Han showed up," Max explains.
"Aww, man," Sophie whines. "Yeah, there always has to be some little kid barging in and ruining all the fun. Does this mean I'm going to have to watch the damn Ferrell movie?"
…
"What is going on in here?" Han yells seeing Caroline in the walk in freezer.
Startled, Caroline jumps back causing the safe to fall out of the wall in the process.
"Uh, late night inventory?"
"We're not even open today!" he vociferates.
"Surprise?"
…
"I've had it up to here with this nonsense!" Han exclaims the next day at the diner.
While the boss is pacing around Earl, Max, Oleg, and Caroline secretly pass a joint to each other from under the table.
"Breaking into the diner to steal is greatly frowned upon and I will not tolerate…"
"You know for a four year old those are some pretty big words, Han," Max leers.
"You're the reason I now spend all seven days a week at therapy instead of five!"
"Han, don't be so hard on Max," Caroline says. "It was my idea to break in but only because I really wanted to know what was in that safe."
"Did anybody hear what she said?" Oleg asks. "I lost her at hard on Max."
"Can we move this along? It's only a matter of time before I die," Earl speaks up.
"Well, the fact is it's not my safe. It must belong to whoever owned this diner before," Han admits.
"So it's nobody's safe," Max clarifies. "See, Caroline and all that time you could have been looking for a new apartment."
"Your all telling me I'm honestly the only one who wants to know what's in that safe?" the blonde questions.
"Well…" they all trail off in unison.
…
"Okay, everyone stand back unless you like stuff flying at your face," Oleg motions as he puts protective eye goggles on.
"Nobody but you," Max says, walking backwards towards the wall.
"Alright here goes nothing."
Oleg hits the button connected to the wires to explode the safe. Everyone covers their eyes as a light bang goes off. Once the smoke clears their eyes immediately fly to the safe.
"Soap?" they all question simultaneously.
"That's more disappointing than the U.S Economy," Earl says, shaking his head.
They all turn and leave except for Caroline who goes up to the safe and starts shoving soaps in her coat.
"Happy birthday to me."
Total: $3,940