The Death Of Harry Potter, Boy-Who-Lived, Saviour-of-the-Wizarding-World
by Dennis Creevey
Today, we mourn Harry James Potter, who died last night, 22 November 2030, in his sleep.
His death at the ripe old age of fifty is hardly premature, yet such a surprise to all of us. It seemed as though he could replicate the late Albus Dumbledore's feat - a full 16 decades of life before his unfortunate death. Through the unrestrained use of Time Turners in order to satisfy massive amounts of women, Harry Potter had been physically 113 years of age by his 45th year. It's a miracle he managed to live to his fiftieth at all. Regardless of that, we regret that he had only spent such a short time among the living.
We, the Wizarding World as a whole is indebted to the late Mr Potter for his bravery to stand against the Dark Lord Voldemort, without which we would still be under the oppression of Dark Wizards. His final defeat of the Dark Lord has brought peace to the magical community, which we have maintained carefully for fear of the uprising of another Dark Lord.
Harry Potter's efforts to create a clean uncorrupted Ministry has been strongly opposed in the beginning, but he had managed to achieve transparency in the workings of the Ministry and subsequently the eradication of corruption in the Ministry, particularly corruption involving high-level Ministry employees. His support of one of his wives' efforts to provide staff benefits to house elves including pay, sick leaves, day offs, food and clothing allowances has been monumental in erasing house elf abuse and providing house elf rights. The servant mentality of house elves are still the same as ever, but they have come to expect certain rights which allows them to work better and serve their masters better. House elves are still not allowed to vote as they are found to be unable to make decisions which benefit themselves instead of their masters.
The introduction of muggle technology by him and his wives had caused the traditional Wizarding culture to be lost in parts due to teenagers adopting muggle culture as their own and refuse to follow the traditions of their forefathers. This has brought up many different arguments regarding its benefits and/or disadvantages in losing traditional culture. The concept of inbreeding has now been deemed outdated and no longer in practice. The birth of squibs are also reduced greatly since the discovery of the fact that inbreeding, or keeping the line pure, does not in fact keep magic in the line. It actually encourages the mutation of certain genes, greatly increasing the chances of birthing a squib.
We express great grief at the leaving of such a great man.
The formation of Harry Potter's harem had been long protested against. Even in his death, this protest still continues. He had released several statements in the past; stating that the members of the harem had all joined willingly and the poor bachelors should quit blaming him for their failure in wooing females. Today, The Harem has issued a general statement to the press. They regretfully informed the Wizarding World that most of them are choosing to never remarry. Instead, they would mourn for the late Mr Potter, and continue to support each other in his death. Any member of the Harem is allowed to remarry, of course, but few of them would be doing so. Any such act will be of the female's own decision, and The Harem challenges the male population to find the few among more than 300 women. The risk of choosing the wrong female to hit on includes castration, so handle with care. "We take care of our own, of course." This is a direct quote from Hermione Granger, prominent member of the late Mr Harry Potter's harem.
He is survived by his wives, his children and 2 grandchildren. Due to space limitations, the full list of the names of his wives and children is provided on pages 2-31. He has as many as 300 children and counting. As of his death, 14 of his wives are pregnant, and at least 6 are carrying multiple fetuses. We have received exclusive information that all the babies lacking names would be given names in honour to their late father.
Mr Harry James Potter's funeral service will be held at Potter Manor, Kingsbridge, Devon tomorrow, 23 November 2030. Visitation hours for the general public will be from 7 a.m. to 3p.m. The funeral itself will be restricted to family, friends and certain members of the press.
For the statement released by Potter's Harem, see pages 2-3
For the interview with James Sirius Potter and Albus Severus Potter, Harry Potter's eldest sons, see pages 4-6
For more information on Harry Potter's lifelong achievements, see pages 6-15
For the complete list of Harry Potter's wives and children, see pages 16-20