A/N: There are minor spoilers here for Cook/Naomi and Katie's episode if you count the next week on Skins clips as spoilers, that is. It's just my take on a few clips here people. And stay on the ship; we can't justify what Naomi did, but we got on this ship knowing she's a twat. I wish I could say its character inconsistency, but it's not. Cheating destroys some ships, most of them, but then there's the couples that come through it with something better than what they had before. And I can't completely hate on Naomi, because I love her in the same way I loved Tony Stonem. Both twats who are selfish and cheat, but in the end, Tony got there will Michelle. And I believe Naomi and Emily will be the same. And lets not forget; Emily did have JJ – yes, Emily and Naomi weren't together at that point, but in the end, it hurts all the same, you know? And of course, the title is taken from Everlong by the Foo Fighters.
Promise not to stop when I say when
And I wonder The only thing I'll ever ask of you
When I sing along with you
If everything could ever feel this real forever
If anything could ever be this good again
You've got to promise not to stop when I say when
--
The way they both look at each other, Emily looking up, Naomi looking down, the way it's always been; Emily who believes that you can have the happy ending, and Naomi believing that everything becomes warped sooner or later, so you might as well fuck it up yourself before anything else gets the chance. It was the knowledge of knowing Emily could destroy her, so she sought to taint herself first.
Emily's in the same powerless position as she always is, and she hates herself for it. It's completely typical that even Naomi is the one who is clearly in the wrong here; that Emily is still feeling out of control. She so completely is. Can't go back to Naomi, because she just can't.
The redhead tentatively plucks the note from the door, and it's a juxtaposition of love and sheer fury, a combination she didn't even know existed. She knows now.
Naomi has left her begging to be brave , left her to awake alone on a bouncy castle, left her alone so many times before, and now, even in these moments, as she paces upstairs and stuffs a bag full of whatever she finds, she doesn't know where she's going, or who she's going to run too.
Can't to the place that was once home (still is; Katie is there and had asked her to stay, she remembers all too vividly) because it's just as full of lies as her relationship has been.
"What are you doing? Where are you going to go?" Naomi questions intently, desperately. Emily's going to let her suffer. She doesn't know if that will ever be enough for them, for what they were supposed to be.
So she's going to give her nothing to work with. She hasn't earned it. And if they still do have something here, she's going to make sure Naomi's going to the bone.
Then the blonde starts sobbing, not the manic crying she'd seen her consumed by on the rooftop, but this time a gentle release of tears.
It's the same impulse she's always had; wanting to kiss it all better, wanting to help this really scared person see that not everything turns to shit in the end, wanting to make her feel less lonely. And she had done this, to an extent. But this was still something Naomi would have to do on her own. So it's the same impulse that makes Emily walk away without a word as the door slams, she hears her name echoed, muffled by tears and thoughts.
The worst part is not that Naomi got scared and cheated, because Naomi is generally a frightened person, and she's selfish. Emily's always known this, and loves her anyway. And that's it, that's the worst part. Emily still loves Naomi. But most of the time, that's just not enough. It's Naomi's turn to fight, and if she doesn't then clearly, Emily won't walk back to her. Not ever again.
--
Naomi clatters to the floor. She's fucked it up in a way only Naomi Campbell can.
She'd had it. She'd had it and she lost it; the mornings, waking up all entangled in a beautiful haze and the nights, dangerous, drunk, still a beautiful haze. And it's faded too. Actually, she knows it hasn't. Nothing faded, not her love for this girl, but she fucked it up. And she knows she's going to spend every day paying.
It's the closest she's ever been to the edge of total darkness. She needs something to reach out for, someone. That someone walked away.
Delicious irony she knows; how Naomi was supposed to be the one always walking away. Now she's just pushing everything away just when she started opening herself up to possibility. The pain is so startlingly shocking - she didn't recognise that she could be this...self-destructive. It's the first time that she's ever scared her life and it penetrates her right to the core. It's all at the thought of never having this girl in her life again.
It's the worst night of her life. She feels the space where Emily occupied so empty, feels the loss of that presence.
The mirror mocks her without mercy, and she can't do anything to fix this; for a person who was once so controlled. Someone who considered herself to still have some morals amongst her beyond fucked friends, the thing that separated her from Cook, Freddie, Effy, the rest and now, it's only now that she discovers that she is no better.
She wants to phone her, see her, talk to her, envelop herself in her, drown and never swim to the surface again.
--
"I'm not finished hating you," Emily begins adamantly upon her return, a matter of mere hours later, "but I can't go back home and I have nowhere else to go."
"You know you can stay here." Naomi replies feebly, a spark of hope surging through her.
"Don't you dare tell me what I know? I thought we were special, remember? I know you're a fucking twat, but I thought you wouldn't shag some random. But you did, so what I think doesn't really matter to you anymore and apparently, it never did." She hisses all bloodshot eyes. The girl she loves, loved, she doesn't know – betrayed her. There was no way she'd give her mum the satisfaction.
"What do I need to do? I need to fix this, anyway I can –
"You can't Naomi. You just can't." It's so final, so definitely true.
--
It's not the typical divorce settlement, in which one person gets to keep certain friends. Their group is so intertwined at this point, all belonging to each other in different ways. The break-up is devastating, so much so that no one around them really knows how to respond.
There's such a distance between them. At first Emily doesn't appear angry, but she's clearly trying to detach herself and it works. There's nothing in the way she looks at Naomi anymore. Naomi thinks that worse, because she wants, needs Emily to still feel something, but she so clearly doesn't.
She doesn't want to make her leave, ever. But Naomi is the one needing the answers this time.
"How...how can you still live here? Not that I mind." She asks, self consciously stroking a lock of platinum blonde behind her ear.
"I can hardly go home. You know how she is. She'd fucking love being right about us. And it's hard enough, this, that I was wrong about us." Emily says, and likes her eyes, there's just nothing there.
Naomi could say to her "No, you weren't wrong." But she doesn't. Just silently vows to show her instead.
--
She doesn't know where she is. But then again, she muses bitterly, that's nothing new.
Emily is fucked beyond comprehension. She knows what she should be doing; she should be out there, pulling some girl that's the complete opposite of her ex and making sure Naomi is right there to see. It doesn't matter. Emily's looked and she's not there. That's nothing new, either.
"What are you doing?" Effy asks, in that slightly-condescending-but-not-really tone. Instead of crashing in drunkenly to the ladies like she usually does, the brunette just kind of floats in, the elusive force she really is.
The Pandora just clumsily tumbles in after her, suddenly getting serious, sensing the weight of the silence.
"Naoms has gone and done a blummin' Thomo." Is all Pandora sardonically says.
Emily grins and shrugs drunkenly like a fool, and she feels like crying. So she does, and Effy catches her first, and Pandora just hugs her.
Right now, that's enough.
--
Cook shows up, of course, never needing an invitation, by way of apology. "It's kind of my fault, after all, blondie." He says, half apologetic, half cheeky. "The least we can do is get drunk enough to forget about it for a while."
"Cook," Naomi begins groggily, voice broken from the amount of time she's spent crying to point of literally, being cried all out, "I'm just not really in the mood, okay?"
"Naomikins I ain't inviting the whole College round to your place, just you, me and the booze, okay? Inexcusable this is, being lonely alone." He smiles in that way he has, and Naomi just rolls her eyes and forces a smile back.
"Fine," Is all she replies, although she knows it's going to be a hell of a long time before she can mean it. "It's hardly your fault I cheated, Cook."
He doesn't say anything, just looks at her. It's a moment of mutual understanding.
So they are that, lonely together. Cook doesn't stop talking about Freddie and Effy, practically drawing up the list of reasons as to why they'll never last, and they settle on the green, smoking spliff and drinking straight vodka. Naomi thinks this might just be the lowest she's ever been.
"You love Effy?" She questions, genuinely wanting to know, "You love her and you just kept shagging Panda?"
"I didn't...I know I loved her at that point I was just being..."
"An emotional cripple?" She suggests.
"Look who's talking!" He jabs back, punching her shoulder playfully. She lets out something sounding like a laugh for the first time in weeks
Silence surrounds them awfully after that, because it's true – they're both emotional cripples, and Naomi's flippant comment resonates with them both, poignantly, for a long time after she says it.
"How's Emily?" He asks, with the same genuine concern that Naomi had when she asked him about Effy. He'd never noticed this before, just how much they really were alike, in their special, fucked up way.
"Angry...so lonely." He knows she's speaking for all three of them. She sighs. He'd like to make her feel better and for him, that usually came in the form of sex, but not with Naomi. That couldn't fix this. He'd been fucking randoms for once but it didn't stop him from beating up some guy at the sight of Freddie and Effy, together and happy.
So he keeps smoking and looking into the distance, their doom. There's nothing they can do, because they hurt the people they love, the people they love have chosen different paths, and although it's them that have been doing the hurting, it's Cook and Naomi who will be hurting for the rest of their lives for it.
"It all means so much to you doesn't it?" She muses, taking him in for a moment.
"What?"
"Life," she says, feeling the effect of a full bottle of vodka she downed in the space of half an hour, "You just live a bit harder than everybody else does. Splash about," She elaborates drunkenly, "Wallow in it, like you can't lose a moment." And then the thought crosses her mind. She and Cook would be easy. He was so easy, a one time thing for both of them with no consequences, the antithesis of what she and Emily were (are.)
"Yeah I'm well hard." He says, and it's the closest thing to sad he's ever sounded.
She has this moment of understanding. It's just a girl and boy, sad, lonely and right now, they're the only two that come close to understanding one another. So she kisses his cheek, delicately, and it's all very platonic, but before either has time to register what the fuck it is they're doing (Cook never thought anyway) he kisses her and she's kissing back.
Then she pulls back, because there's nothing about this that can repair anything. They could sleep together, but they're not like that, never have been. As friends, they value each other more than a temporary escape.
"The thing about splashing about, Naomi, is that everyone gets wet." He smiles and she apologises profusely and he tells her its okay. That there would be no point in it anyway, because he's far from Emily and she isn't Effy.
It's just a boy and girl, so heartbreakingly lost that they can barely feel anymore. But they can – they just proved that to one another.
He wraps his arm around her and sets her head on his shoulder and they just lie there for the rest of the night. She's glad they're still there to reach out to each other, and to inspire each other to keep fighting. It's then that the realisation dawns; she can't lose a moment fighting for Emily.
--
"This feels like an episode of One Tree Hill or some shit," Katie comments to JJ – it seems like every two minutes in the common room they catch Emily and Naomi looking at each other, sometimes heatedly, sometimes sadly from opposite sides of the room.
--
Emily's too busy watching her life crumble so for the first time, she doesn't immediately recognise when Katie's is.
It comes with the burden of being 'the normal one', because Katie is her mother's daughter, completely. Whatever she wants, she sets out to get it with an unwavering determination, they both get fucked over, but they ricochet back, even harder.
But Emily just gets drunk, and today she's drunk at some pre-party thing her mum's doing for this ghastly WAG wedding, and she's snogging some random blonde (she wishes she had a thing for brunettes, but she just doesn't) and Naomi's the one begging her to stop. For the first time, she's pleading.
She's doing it because she's the one who gets to shag around after all this, to prove a point to mother dearest, but when she looks to Naomi and sees the hurt, she understands that it's the hurt. That's why she's doing it.
And then she charges towards her, at full force, the way she's been charging after her since she was sixteen and splash they're in water.
The thing about splashing about, Naomi, is that everyone gets wet.
She'll tease him later for being so fucking literal.
"Naoms, darling, am I making you nice and wet?" It's so deliciously bitter and for a moment, Emily thinks that maybe she's winning, before Naomi announces that she "Fucked the dead girl and gave her drugs, okay!"
Then the drunken smile of victory fades, and Emily is so broken.
Then Katie hits her, mid-way through the shouting match. A huge wallop across the face, and Emily would hit her back if it didn't just snap her universe back into focus, making everything that was so incomprehensible, understandable for the first time. After the anger subsides, it's only fitting, she decides, because no one knows her better.
Emily stomps onto the street, trying to stop herself from crying. Katie catches her, always does.
"What the fuck, Emily? Is it really that bad that you'd go back to her, the bitch who cheated on you, than come back home to your family, who love you? Me, who loves you!" It said so earnestly that Emily can't stop the pang of guilt jolting through her. "I'm going to ask you another time, okay? Emsy duno go!"
She turns around and lets the tears flow, lets her sister comfort her. Let's herself hurt, because she has to before she can heal.
--
Katie throws Naomi out of the party, lezzah bitch, knew you'd fuck her over proper, and Freddie and Effy find Naomi and Cook at the nearest pub.
The tension's still there between the boys, something that will probably never go away. Emily is probably fucking her right now, Naomi thinks, and the worst part is that she knows she doesn't deserve to feel anything about it. But of course, the knowing never stops.
Effy tells Naomi about the big girly comfort session she and Katie shared after the party, and comments on how she's actually kind of cheering for Emily and the girl she's talking too. Naomi smiles sadly.
"I didn't think I'd ever make the comparison, but you really remind me of my brother." Effy comments with eyes so serious it looks unnatural.
"I'm supposed to be fixing things, Ef," Naomi whines, "And all I've done since is kiss Cook and –
"You...and Cook?" Effy responds, it's the first time Naomi has ever seen her slip-up on her whole I-don't-feel-I'm-beyond-that thing, and there's something like envy, for a moment, flashing across her blue eyes.
"Nothing happened, it was like this weird comfort thing." Naomi rectifies.
Effy nods in that kind of wise, sage way. Naomi can tell she's holding back, but she hardly has any room to criticise.
She knows she shouldn't meddle, because one, what Effy and Cook have is between Cook and Effy, and two, she wouldn't want anything meddling with her and Emily (You did that all your own, Naomikins you smart bastard, she thinks) and three, fuck it, Cook's like her best friend these days, and from the longing glances he sends across the room she thinks the least she could do is put a good word in, or something. Ironic, considering there's been a lot more of Cook in Effy before.
"He's in love with you."
She knows. She doesn't know how to fix it. She's committed to giving Freddie a chance. It's comfortable between them.
"Everybody loves me." She replies, feeling a lot like herself again and Naomi just rolls he eyes.
--
It's become a cycle, and Naomi just can't break this one.
Every day, she wakes up first. Walks downstairs, has breakfast, Emily will follow minutes later and look at her, sometimes angry, mostly broken from the stairs.
Naomi wishes she could let go of this. There was no way the girl of a year ago, would have let this reminder remain in her life. If Emily wasn't going to give her another try, why wasn't she letting go either? One girl, she thinks, one girl and all of a sudden you're all vulnerable.
Stay, stay, stay, every time Emily's heart beats. All it takes for her is one girl to make her stay. She admits admitting it even in her own thoughts, but it's still the same girl.
--
She spends her classes musing on how she could make this big, grand, romantic gesture. Write her letters, burn her cheesy CD's, just walk up to her and kiss her.
But she can't do that. She's Naomi, and it's just not her to do that. And she's not sure if Emily would even want her to do that, because it wouldn't be real.
When class is over, she strikes the lips for a tip or too, because he must have done something to get the non-believer on his arm.
"Freds," She begins, and he turns around with a lazy smile, so happy it's sickening, "So, how'd you do it then? The enigma has been tamed, apparently."
"She said something to you?" He asks, slightly baffled, and she maybe it's bias towards Cook, but she thinks wow, what a strong connection.
"She never says much. How did it happen anyway?"
It's like Freddie's been her sodding husband of years or something when he talks about her, and Naomi thinks he's far too young to be sentimental, but you know what they say about desperate times and all that.
"Um, it just kind of fell into place you know? We talked about chlamydia, though." He chuckles and joins JJ.
I just resorted to the sponge, Cook.
Of course, she knows what he'll text back.
We'll go to this party, yeah?
As if they ever needed an excuse.
--
It's an average Friday night, getting pissed, she and Cook being lonely together, him staring at Effy, her staring at Emily. But they try their best to be happy. At this point, it's a choice for them, because the kind of momentary happiness you get on a drunken Friday night is easier to get than the happiness you'll get from taking a risk.
They never were exactly, you know, romantic, soppy and shit like that.
She catches Emily looking at her, the way she would in the beginning, longingly and bit admiring. Naomi thinks she might be hallucinating, wonders if Cook slipped her something.
--
She slips out of the bathroom, where Emily is waiting outside. It's just them.
She decides not to think about it too much, because she knows that if she did, she wouldn't say this; "I miss you and I love you. I don't know how else to say it, Emily."
"I need you to show it, Naomi." She replies.
And that's that.
--
They still share the same bed. When they go home together, Naomi flops on the bed and is instantly knocked out.
She wants herself to want to sleep on the sofa or something, but she just looks so adorable in an angst-ridden way, with her stupid, lovely blonde hair. She can use the alcohol as an excuse in the morning; serves Naomi right after "It's just the drugs, right?"
She crawls into bed and looks at her. Wants to wake her up and ask why, but she knows it won't get them anywhere. It's all up to Naomi, now and she's never been great at laying her heart on the table.
She can't sleep, not like this, not with the Naomi-clad side of her still buzzing.
Just as she contemplates leaving, an arm flops over her, and she's not sure if she's succumbing to whatever it was Cook recommended, but she thinks she hears Naomi groan contently and whispering, stay Ems.
So she does.
When she wakes up in the morning, she doesn't regret it. Not once.
--
Naomi's trying, she really is. But it's an internal conflict. Don't make yourself vulnerable, don't get hurt. Run away if you have to. No-one's worth this much sadness.
Then she takes time to think, and oh shit, give it another month, it will be summer, it will be Uni –
It will be over if she doesn't make a move.
--
She writes a letter. Cliché, she knows, but her mother seemed to approve of the old-school method.
It's so therapeutic, writing all the things she knows she could never say. She feels a sense of peace crashing over her when ink marks the paper, and thinks maybe JJ and Cook were on to something when they subjected Naomi to an eight hour marathon of essential romance films. (All spending Valentines day alone, and it wasn't one but surprising, she laughs bitterly.)
--
"Hey," Emily greets her, like they're friends or something, "I, um, thought we could have dinner...together. I know I haven't been around much since..."
"You and Katie had your twin-tastic reunion?" Naomi smiles when Emily laughs huskily, "I wouldn't be spending a lot of time with me either..."
Emily just nods curtly, and looks straight through her, and there's so much forgiveness in that moment.
She tucks the letter away for later. Tonight, she just wants her company.
It's also nice just being with you, when you're not being a prick, that is.
--
Always forgive, never forget, Emily thinks every time she considers kissing Naomi.
They could be friends, after all. She doesn't know how she'll ever trust Naomi again, but after everything they've been through, it's fitting.
She doesn't know what she's waiting for. Actually, she does. She's waiting for another monumental cat-flap-esque speech.
There's always that spark of hope she can't extinguish, the knowing that she'll get it, someday. She just hopes Naomi isn't too late.
--
"If you're waiting for your lady to tell you how much she loves you, she does." Cook tells Emily as they share a smoke on the green before going into college for the morning.
"Everyone can say it but her. You know Cook, I'm burning, just like you are. It's Naomi's job to put the fucking flames out, or whatever." She cringes internally. Cook and his metaphors.
He laughs, "At least we're burning brightly, kid." He comments, as Effy approaches them.
--
She's not waiting anymore. She's wasted enough time, already, she thinks, but maybe it was necessary. At least they were being friendly with one another now, she thinks, and God, how did I get like this, she thinks as she slides a slip dress from topshop on.
She takes the letter from a drawer, and sighs. Now she's all nervous, because JJ would probably tell her that there's ninety percent chance of Emily laughing and ripping the thing to pieces, just because she can. To fuck with it, she thinks, because she's always had the knowledge that Emily could hurt her, anyway.
Naomi's dressed up, Emily's dressed down, and when Emily lets her stare linger on her, this person in her life, that's become so undefined, she knows it's a moment where things will shift for them once again.
"I just thought we were heading to Cooks...you look..."
They're going to Cook's 'we're-done-college-though-half-of-us-got-expelled' party.
"You don't need to say anything," Naomi says, adamant not to let any nervousness emanate from her eyes. She just takes Emily's pale, soft hands and places the letter into them. There, she did it. Heart's on the table. "Read it." She pleads stubbornly.
The redhead's shocked in a way, because she wasn't expecting Naomi to do anything at this point. Rather than feeling angry though, which was what she was expecting, she's glad, in a weird way. Maybe Naomi is a bit late, but she's here.
"I want you to read it to me." She replies coolly.
Naomi stiffens for a second. But then she swallows, takes it back and she feels like the biggest pussy in existence. Get on with it, girl, she hears Cook in the back of her head.
"Emily," she begins, voice already cracking, and if she cries or some shit, she'll never forgive herself, but Emily looks up expectantly. It reminds her of their kiss at Panda's party, the look on her face after she kissed her. "I know it's weird, me writing a love letter. But you inspire it in me, kind of like how I used to inspire you to be annoying. Anyway," she chokes a little, but Emily gives a small, sad smile, she can't tell if it's encouragement or not, "It's Saturday morning and everyone's still asleep from JJ's birthday party, and since I'm far from the original romantic, I've drawn some inspiration from a lonely Valentines film marathon with JJ and Cook, it included the notebook...and since I can't say it coherently without sounding like a twat, I thought I'd write it. And how I'm writing this right now, it's so fast, so urgent. And I'm thinking about how I ruined us, how I hurt you," Emily's eyes are welling, and Naomi tells herself to keep it together, she can do this, "and I can't cover it up this time, because I've kept hurting you, and it's only now that there's the reality of you not being in my life, even though we share the same place. Our place. I can't go back being lonely, without you. You're the only person who really understands why I'm like this, and with you, I was so happy that I didn't know how to deal with it. So I fucked it up before anything else could –
"I want you to stop, Naoms –
"I'm trying here, Emily," she replies, blinking back tears.
"I know." She nods sympathetically. "But you're not supposed to do anything with happiness. You're just supposed to feel it." She replies, blinking back a few tears of her own. "We had...we had something. Still have a friendship from it," she says, and it sounds so inconceivable inside their own heads, "but you and me..."
"I told you not to forget," Naomi murmurs, eye make-up leaving a black river.
"I haven't." Emily wipes away the tears, and she's earnest, "But we couldn't be the same, Naomi."
Naomi nods, retreats upstairs, fixes her make-up and breathes.
Unbroken to the world again.
--
The end of summer hits them like a train, the rest of their lives so suddenly real, and happening.
Emily departs without a real goodbye, leaving Naomi with a letter that ends with, I'm glad you learned that it's okay to give yourself away.
Naomi will never give herself away again, and she knows it in that moment.
Her heart drops about the same time the letter slides from her hands and she dials scrolls down contacts to Cook's name at the same rate as her heartbeat.
"I need you to give me a lift to the train station, Cook, now."
They're in the first car that Cook has drove that's not stolen and Effy's in for the ride too. "How very Cruel Intentions." Effy remarks, "Reunion at a train station."
Naomi glances at her nervously, thanks Cook, and races. It's so ridiculous, it's exhilarating.
She stops when she sees her. Emily stops and looks at her, and Katie approaches her, but it looks like she isn't going to be insulted, strangely.
"You broke her heart, like I knew you would." Katie says, "But...I think it's kind of obvious that you're the only one who can fix this. Bitch." She adds, just for good measure.
Naomi nods and makes her way over to Emily.
"Don't go. I kept the tickets and everything for Mexico. Don't go. We decided, remember? I'm in love with you." Naomi speaks with such clarity, such certainty. Emily would like to be able to say no, but she never could.
She doesn't know if giving Naomi another chance will prove to be the best choice. They still have something here, and it's not worth abandoning. She doesn't know anything about them, all she does is that it's love and it's not over rated. If the last year has proved anything to them, it's that most of the time, second chances are something absolutely necessary.
Emily drops her bags, because what they have is still special, and huge bags don't make for romantic scenes you tell your children about.
(She's always known that their love, it's that kind of love. Something unconventional, something indefinable.)
She leans in so that their lips are moments apart, something strange like static between them and before she kisses Naomi, she murmurs;
"I didn't forget. Never will."