Chapter 1

The mess was beginning to feel a lot more cosy. With a mix of friendly and frosty faces aboard the ship, it was filling out. Even starting to feel homely.

It wasn't strange for Shepard to consider the Normandy her 'home', she had spent most of her life floating through the stars on many different 'homes' like it. Never settling, always meeting new crew. Always getting attached... as children do. It was no surprise that her own career would mirror that of her parents.

This ship felt different though, like it was her first house. The others were the grown ups' ships and the Normandy SR-1 was not originally for her command. This one was. She was in charge from the off.

If you ignored the grim, incessant presence of Cerberus and The Illusive Man, it was perfect. Cerberus. The three-headed dog that guards the gates of hell. Other synonyms of Cerberus included: 'baby-sitter', 'supervisor' and, worst of all, 'keeper'. She hated them, but she had no other choice.

Shepard made a face, the thought of her forced employers leaving a bitter taste in her mouth. Not long now. She would use their resources until the job at hand was done. Once the collectors were no longer a problem she could focus on building an army big enough to take down the Reapers. She was unsure whether she would try to involve the council yet again. They had rejected her warnings twice and there was no more time for arguing. Millions of lives were at stake. The truth of that fact felt heavy on her shoulders.

*THUD* Shepard's head jerked up in time to see Grunt slam into the starboard side of the ship. The 7 feet high, 3 feet wide krogan was hunched over, holding his ribcage looking both angry and excited. His reddish-grey, leathery skin was glistening with krogan sweat.

Grunt snarled and let out a low chuckle. "Fine." His usual gravelly voice sounded oddly playful. "You're quite tough for such a tiny human."

Shepard looked across to Jack, the scantily clad, shaven-headed, tattoo-covered biotic. She was crazy. Her smirk was the closest anyone would get to a smile.

"I'm not just 'quite tough'" Jack declared with an obvious air of disgust. "I could kill anyone on this ship... Or everyone." She threw over her shoulder as she passed her crew-mates on her way to the kitchen.

Grunt made a move as if to test her theory, but Garrus' steady, clawed hand on his shoulder kept him in line. Shepard was thankful Garrus was here. He always had a calming effect, which was strange for his species. The turians are a race of military formalities and deathly efficiency. The efficiency comes in handy, but the formalities were tiresome. Shepard was glad she had managed to bore through Garrus's military born politeness and was now able to have a laugh with him.

"What about Samara?" Jacob said. "She's been killing for centuries now. They do say practice makes perfect."

Jack scoffed at the ex-alliance soldier. "Yeah, and for most of that time she was tracking down one stinkin' Ardat-Yakshi. I've killed more."

"It would be intriguing to see the biotics come together. Samara's code would also make for an interesting encounter." The sultry Cerberus operative, Miranda Lawson quipped.

Shepard observed her crew quietly as Jack threw a snide 'cheerleader' remark Miranda's way. Jack had come along way since joining the squad. Obviously nuke-ing the Cerberus base in which her hate was born had helped her. As Jack's biotics flared with the urge to throw a shockwave at Miranda, Shepard countered that Subject Zero was not normal, and probably never would be, but she had made progress.

Looking round at the rest of the crew, Shepard smiled inwardly. Jacob, the burly soldier type sat forward in his chair, absent mindedly protecting Miranda. As if she needed it.

Operative Lawson and her perfectly honed skills sat beside Jacob, regarding everyone from her high horse. A body, mind and abilities genetically engineered to be perfect by a controlling father, her attitude was as you'd expect. Superior, and more than a little bossy.

Garrus walked across with his turian meal and took the seat opposite Miranda, next to Tali. This wasn't unusual as Garrus would always take the closest available seat to Tali. Shepard wished they would stop tiptoeing around their feelings for each other.

Tali's every emotion was subtle and disguised. All of her feelings were held inside her enviro-suit, as if opening up to someone was as dangerous as being exposed to unsterilised air. She rarely let her true feelings be known. Vulnerability was one thing that scared most strong women.

The only time Shepard had known Tali to let her guard down was when they had been drinking with Kasumi in the port observation room. Her slurred declarations were heart warming. There was something about Tali's innocence that night that had made Shepard gush. And she wasn't a gusher. Damn alcohol.

"You should definitely go for it Tali!" She had urged in her semi-drunken stupor.

"It's obvious he likes you too," Kasumi added with a slight slur. "Why else would he always make excuses to see you in the main battery?"

"Exactly. He's never in the middle of calibrations when you go to see him!" Shepard jeered.

The three of them burst out laughing and didn't stop giggling until they had eventually retired to their own rooms. Most commanding officers would consider this kind of off-duty behaviour to be inappropriate and, usually, she would agree. But in a matter of weeks they would be embarking on a suicide mission. And these people weren't just her crew any more. They were her friends.

Shepard smiled at the memory of what she imagined was Tali's blushing admission. Tali and Garrus had been with her from the start and she longed to see them together at the end of all this. If she were the religious type, she would pray for that miracle...

To her right, Gaby was laughing at Ken's jokes as usual. She couldn't blame her. Ken's thick Irish accent made everything funnier than it was. Of course, a crush will also make people funnier than they really are too. Kasumi had said they would make a wonderful couple, although she doubted they would ever realise it.

With Garrus and Tali, Gaby and Ken and Miranda and Jacob all hooking up, the Normandy was looking more like a social club than a military spacer. Whilst cradling Keiji's greybox, Kasumi had suggested they hold a singles night for the rest of the crew that were as hard up as herself.

"Why not, Shep?" Kasumi had laughed. "You're just as lonely as me."

Shepard raised an eyebrow. "Is that so?" She smirked, wincing at the bitter taste of the alien alcohol.

Kasumi nodded. "Yep. You're just too busy to notice." She patted Shepard's arm and went to pour herself another drink.

Kasumi was right. She was lonely. It was only after recruitments, missions and hundreds of datapads, when she was finally in bed at night, that she noticed. Sometimes she thought of Kaiden and the night they spent together before going after Saren. But all that did was make her more angry about his behaviour on Horizon. If only he'd had some faith in her. Perhaps she wouldn't be thinking of someone else at night if he had.

She didn't know why she felt bad about her wondering mind in the early hours of the night. Maybe it was because of her confused relationship status with Kaiden. Or maybe it was because her thoughts were indecent and unprofessional... But she couldn't help it. Since she had recruited Thane Krios, the universe's most feared assassin, she had wanted him. Not always in the most unprofessional way. That was only recently. But she had always wanted him on her team, wanted to know his opinions and beliefs. Wanted to know him.

When she learnt of his dead wife, she had felt terrible. What with her unresolved relationship and his everlasting turmoil of a lost love, they had romantic baggage coming out of their ears. She thought it improper to carry on semi-stalking her subordinate and vowed to stop imagining his perfectly honed body in the early hours of her lonely nights. But then he had come to her and asked for her help. Dragging her back into a forbidden crush. The time spent with him now only more sweet due to the decidedly sinful breach of her pledge.

Shepard sighed as she rolled the remnants of her meal around the plate, no longer concentrating on the crews conversation. Flicking her fork, she was wondering how Mess Sergeant Gardner kept his peas fresh, when somebody slid their tray onto the table in front of her.

Shepard looked up into black, fathomless eyes and was lost forever. She was going to hell.