A/N: Just a quick note here: This story is not meant to make fun of anything anybody else has written. If anything resembles a story someone else has seriously written (not jokingly like this), it was not intentional. Thanks!
Disclaimer: I don't own POTC. I only own this Sue, which I made up to make fun of.
Chapter 1
The Mother of All Sues
Jack looked up from the map that lay sprawled out in front of him as his first mate Mr. Gibbs entered his quarters. The man looked exhausted from days of fast paced travel and the hard work that accompanied said travel. The captain had been in a rush to find her and now hopefully he had. This one woman would solve all his problems.
"Cap'n," Gibbs said, trying to catch his breath, "We've fin'ly arrived."
"Good!" Jack quickly stood and placed his hat on his head, his overcoat around his shoulders, and followed his first mate out onto the deck of the Pearl. A small island lay before them with a single house on it. Smoke rose from the chimney and a woman stood outside, bent down over her garden.
"That her, Cap'n?" Gibbs asked almost warily with squinted eyes. The glare from the water almost blocked their view of her and the house.
Jack pulled a small spyglass from his coat pocket and put it to his eye. He remained silent for a moment as he studied the woman in the yard. Finally, he returned it to his pocket and shook his head. "No, she mus' be inside. Prepare the longboat."
"Aye, Cap'n," Gibbs quickly turned and began shouting at the already exhausted crew. They wearily untied the boat and managed to lower it into the shimmering water below. "S'ready,
Cap'n."
"Good work, men," Jack said to the crew in general as he walked to the rail and peered over the side at the longboat. "Mind th' ship and take a rest."
The delighted crew quickly set about lowering the anchor before taking their first break of the day.
"Jack," Will began, watching the island carefully, "are you sure this woman will solve all our problems?"
"Course I'm sure!" Jack said quickly as a few of the crew climbed down into the longboat. "Have I ever been unsure about something this important?"
Will took a moment to consider the question before deciding it best not to answer. He merely shrugged in response. Jack was the captain, after all, and it would be best not to give him an answer he did not want.
"That's what I thought," Jack said with a smug grin before turning and climbing down he rope ladder on the side of the Pearl.
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"Can ya see 'er, cap'n?" Gibbs whispered to Jack. The group of pirates had successfully arrived on the island without being spotted by its residents. Now, they stooped behind a large boulder that shielded them from the people inside the house.
"Aye," Jack responded quietly and turned to face his crew. "Remember, men, she'll prob'ly try ta throw 'er charm on ya, but you've got ta ignore 'er, savvy? We've got ta get rid of 'er…or else…"
The crew crouched solemnly behind the boulder, all eyes on the captain. None wanted to think about what "or else" implied. It would be nothing good, they could figure that much themselves.
"Come on," Jack quickly whispered before turning and making his way out from behind the boulder. The crew followed, weapons bared, ready for action.
They crept up along the side of the house, trying to surround all possible exits so as to make sure she would not escape. As soon as Jack was sure all the windows and doors had a crew member stationed at it, he nodded to Gibbs who threw open the front door and barged in.
A woman screamed in fright and dropped the cauldron of hot water she was carrying. At the sound of her scream, the other members of the crew burst into the house. Windows shattered and doors swung violently on their hinges.
The woman turned and tried to make a dash to one of the back rooms, but one of the pirates blocked her way. She turned back towards the front door where Jack and Gibbs stood. With tears of fear rolling down her cheeks and her brown hair falling out of its bun, she dropped to her knees, gazing up at Jack.
"Please," she whispered through terrified sobs, "don't hurt me. I'm just the maid, I don't own anything of any value."
Gibbs looked to Jack who was still studying the woman. The captain put his pistol back in his belt and asked, "Wha's yer name?"
"Mary," she replied, still shaking with fear.
"It's not 'er, men," Jack stated simply, turning his attention away from the frightened woman. "Search th' house for anyone else."
The pirates quickly dispersed into the back rooms of the house. Jack and Gibbs followed along behind at a distance. As soon as they were away from the door, Mary made a dash for it, escaping into the open.
Another woman's screams filled the air and the crew soon dragged her from her hiding spot. Jack made his way to the front of the group and gazed down at her. Her wavy, blonde hair fell to her waist and her shimmering blue eyes were filled with anger. Her skin was blemish free and much smoother and softer than any other woman the men had seen. Her pale yellow dress was very well fitted and showed off her very shapely body.
"Wretch!" She screamed angrily, showing off her perfectly straight, white teeth that lye behind her full, red lips.
Jack smirked, already very sure that this was the woman he had been searching for. "Tell me, wha's yer name?"
She jerked her head, causing her shiny blonde hair to fly around her face. "If you must know, it's Maria Jasmine Henrietta Natalie Marie Lucy Stacy Fergie Bob-"
"A'right, yer the woman we're lookin' for!" Jack quickly interrupted so as to avoid standing there for a half hour as she recited her name. "Yer the mother of all Sues."
"And what if I am?" She retorted angrily.
"Men, you know wha' ta do," Jack simply said to the two men who held the Sue's arms. The two grinned to each other and began dragging her out of the house.
"What are you doing?!" She screamed, trying to keep from being tugged out of her house. "If I had my sword, you'd be sorry you-"
She was suddenly cut off by one of the men who had shoved a piece of cloth into her mouth. All the rest of the crew heard was her muffled, yet fading, screams, which was a great relief to their ears. Then they heard a gun shot, which was an even greater relief to their ears.
"Now!" Jack said happily, feeling that a burden had been lifted from his shoulders. "She won't be makin' anymore Sues, so our job is half done, really. Back to the Pearl, men!"
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She was happily walking down the path carrying a basket full of fruits and berries for her mother who she only came to see when she wanted something. Birds were flitting cheerfully around her and squirrels were running up to her feet, begging for a berry. Since she was a nice girl, she would toss them one or two, ignoring the fact that she wouldn't have any for her mother by the time she got to her house.
She opened her emerald green eyes and focused them towards her house. Her feet stopped moving and she stared in disbelief as a couple pirates dragged her mother out of her house. She quickly dropped her basket, spilling its contents, and hid in a nearby bush.
The men threw her mother to the ground and the girl began wondering why her mother had not been carrying her sword with her. She was the best swordsperson in the world! But not even a sword or even her gorgeous looks could save her from the bullet that flew through her heart.
The girl cupped her hand over her mouth to prevent herself from screaming. Big, round tears began falling down her cheeks as the rest of the pirates exited the house, merrily laughing and talking. As soon as they were out of sight, she jumped out of her hiding place and scampered down the remainder of the path.
"Mother!" She cried and threw herself upon the corpse, getting blood in her long blonde hair with light caramel streaks in it. Sobs racked her body as she dug her head further into her arms.
After a time, she sat up, her beautiful green eyes somewhat red, but not as red as a normal person's would be after crying as hard. It would detract from her beauty. She looked back to see a ship with black sails far away on the horizon. How she could tell it had black sails from that far away, we have never quiet figured out.
"I will have my revenge on you!" She screamed at the retreating ship. "I, Esmeralda Isabelle Catherine Maryann Victoria Helene Roberta Minnie Gwyneth Ashley Joyce Michelle Sophia Kari Mariah Muriel West, vow to take my revenge on you if it's the last thing I do!"
With that, she stood, leaving her dead mother and headed out towards the ocean.
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"Cap'n!" Gibbs called from the deck below as he quickly made his way up to the helm where Jack stood. "There be a ship on th' horizon."
Jack gave him a confused look as to why this was a big deal. "'Course there's a ship on th' horizon. This is the ocean, mate. There are goin' ta be ships in it."
"Aye, but this be another pirate ship," Gibbs explained. "The Nautical Tone, by th' look of it."
"What a bloody name for a pirate ship…" Jack muttered to himself as he stepped away from the helm, leaving Mr. Cotton at it himself. "Ready the cannons, men! We're gettin' our gold back!"
The crew scurried around, loading up the cannons and hoisting the pirate flag. The Nautical Tone was catching up surprisingly fast as it was the second fastest ship in the Caribbean since the Interceptor had been destroyed. It was only a matter of seconds before the two ships were side-by-side, each crew shouting insults and curses at the other.
"Fire!" Jack yelled above his crew's shouts of excitement.
"Fire!" A young female with waist length, blonde hair screamed down to her crew.
It was all a blur of cannon fire and splintering wood. Men shot rifles and pistols at one another as the cannons continued firing. The Nautical Tone's mast fell with a crack and the men of the Pearl immediately began invading the other ship. Jack remained on the Pearl, giving orders and fighting off the scared crew of the Nautical Tone as they attempted to gain access to his ship.
Then suddenly, so as to shorten the time in which the Sue would meet Jack and Will, the battle was over. The crew of the Black Pearl were rather confused at this sudden turn of events, but in this confusion, a woman with long, blonde hair jumped from her hiding place. She screamed like a banshee and began fighting the various members of the Pearl that were still on board her ship.
"Uh, Cap'n?" Gibbs called to Jack, who was still on the Black Pearl. "We got a bit of a problem…"
"What is it?" Jack called back as he approached the side of his ship. And there she was. Her beautiful golden locks flying through the air as fast as her sword, which she was using against his crew. Her green eyes were filled with anger and he somehow knew he had done something to upset her. She wore pirate clothes, but none as he had seen before. They were exceptionally well fitted and revealed her ample cleavage. She was by far the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. And he was immediately disgusted. "Get rid of 'er!"
"Aye, Cap'n!" Gibbs responded and relayed the order to the rest of the crew.
Will managed to knock the sword from her hand, as he was still the better swordsman, and a couple men grabbed her arms and threw her overboard. She yelled up at them to have mercy, but they ignored her as they began stealing back their stolen gold. Finally she silenced just as the crew finished loading the gold onto the Pearl.
"Must've been eaten by a shark," Marty observed shortly after the Pearl freed itself from the Nautical Tone.
"Wouldn't we have heard something like that?" Asked an oddly womanly crew member that none of the other men recalled having on the ship before.
Marty eyed the other man warily, not noticing how closely his clothes hugged his body. In fact, the clothes made him look almost like a girl. But Marty knew this couldn't be. He turned his eyes away from the other man and gave a small shrug.
"Mr. Gibbs," Jack said quietly from across the deck so only the other man could hear him. "When an' where did we pick up that lad?"
"Not sure, Cap'n," Gibbs replied. "Fact I don't even remember him bein' on th' ship b'fore."
It was at that moment that the mysterious boy looked over the side of the ship and screamed out in a girly voice, "Oh look! It's water!"
All eyes were turned on him in shock. It even took Jack a moment to recover before ordering someone to bring the boy to his quarters.
Once they were there, Jack and Gibbs both noticed something eerily familiar about this boy. In fact, they noticed he wasn't even a boy at all! He, er, she was the woman who captained the Nautical Tone.
"'Ow did you manage to become captain of a pirate ship?" Jack asked out of curiosity.
"Simple," she replied and crossed her arms, "after you killed my mother, I set out for the nearest port, which is on the other side of the island. Once I was there, I killed the captain of the Nautical Tone, commanded the crew to obey me, and we set out after you."
"And ye did this in a few hours?" Gibbs asked, clearly confused by how she managed it.
"Yes, two hours, to be exact," she answered.
"Must've traveled fast…" the older man muttered to himself.
"What's yer name?" Jack asked, almost dreading the answer he was sure to get.
"Esmeralda Isabelle," as she spoke, Jack began counting the names on his fingers, "Catherine Maryann Victoria Helene Roberta Minnie Revenge Gwyneth Ashley Joyce Michelle Sophia Kari Mariah Muriel West."
"I know I'll regret this, but why is yer very middle name Revenge?" Jack asked cautiously.
"I put it there because revenge is my motive," she said simply. "But that's only my nickname. My full name is-"
"That'll be enough!" The captain quickly interrupted. "What can we call ya that's not one hundred names?"
"Kelsey," she answered smugly, but had no real reason to be smug.
"But," Gibbs hesitated, "yer name doesn't even 'ave Kelsey in it."
"I know, but I like it. Any more questions?"
Not wanting to be any more confused, Jack dismissed her. She left, happy to be on board the Pearl with the men that killed her mother.
"What are we ta do with 'er?" Gibbs asked.
"Well, we can't throw 'er overboard, we know that much," Jack replied, thinking hard. "We'll 'ave ta think of somethin' that will get rid of 'er forever and I 'ave a feelin' shooting 'er won't kill 'er… Make sure th' men know not ta get too friendly with her, savvy?"
"Aye, Cap'n," Gibbs turned and left Jack to ponder how to successfully kill a Mary-Sue.
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A/N: There you are, the first chapter. I hope everybody liked it! As always, reviews are appreciated.