Title: Remembering

Author: osmalic

Rating: PG-13 for reflections on rape and immoral choices

Pairing: references on Muraki x Hisoka

Comment: please point out my grammatical mistakes as I'm not a native English speaker O_o

Note: A Hisoka introspective, acting as a potential bridge between the Kyoto arc and Gensou Kai storyline.

Summary: Hisoka's has to remember how to control his hate and to change his reason for living. A different explanation for Hisoka'a hatred for Muraki, and vice-versa.

Kurosaki Hisoka is the forgetful type.

Not many who know him well (and there is actually only quite a few) would say that about him; in fact, they would actually say that he is the opposite. Kurosaki Hisoka, they say, would remember even the tiniest details, especially when it concerns their missions. People, with Terazuma Hajime topping the list, would say that the word 'forgetful' more aptly describes his partner Tsuzuki Asato, but never Kurosaki Hisoka. They say that the younger shinigami would remember things people forget (or would like to forget): that there was a staff meeting the next day; or that Watari-san had hung around the lobby longer than usual, therefore making that particular place unsafe for the moment; or that it was one year ago today that Konoe-kachou had broken his leg because of the cream Saya had spilt but no one had tattled about. Kurosaki Hisoka never forgot anything.

Hisoka, however, knew otherwise.

He knew he would only remember some of the most important things, not those moments that he deemed insignificant to him.

For example: he forgets his own birthday. Ever since Tsuzuki had learned of the particular date, he had managed to find a way to shove three different slices of cake down Hisoka's throat with Hisoka wondering the whole time what he had done to deserve such torment.

He also forgets that he had promised himself some time ago never to yell at his partner anymore. Ever since he had witnessed Tsuzuki welcoming death through Touda's flames, he had told himself, "Never again, I won't make him feel unwanted." But something always goes wrong and he forgets this quite often.

Most of all, he also forgets he had learned never to touch anyone. A long time ago, he had promised this to himself and had followed it as his own strictly private rule. However, ever since he died, he had begun to touch people freely, let his fingers brush against their skin, and sometimes during that fraction of the moment he would recoil and remember as he struggled to wash away emotions and memories that felt like they somehow belonged to him. This rule is often broken when he was with Tsuzuki.

He does not blame himself for this. After all, what else should he expect from someone who had forgotten how he had died?

Hisoka blames it all on Muraki Kazutaka of course, and because of this he can easily hate him. Hate him for making Hisoka forget lots of things, especially since he quite remembers a time when he could remember every detail of his tormented solitude. He fancies there is still a barrier in his mind that Muraki holds, that some bandages remain unwrapped due to the curse that Muraki had begun to peel away the first time they met when Hisoka became a shinigami. He wishes it was so.

Because Hisoka can only remember the important things; and because of the things he remember, he can calculate and find the expected outcomes of vital situations. He only remembers things that have something to do with himself:

That the man who murdered him was his monster and savior, and Hisoka would someday become him as well.

~ * ~

Muraki Kazutaka had not known Hisoka is an empath; how could he have known? He had just arrived in the small village and was only there for his own unexplained reasons. He had probably heard of the mysterious child of the most powerful family in Kamakura but had not minded it; it was not in his plans. At least, that was what Hisoka had somehow gathered from the man when they first met.

So during that night Hisoka ventured into the sakura grove near Kasane's Lake and witnessed the murder, he had felt two emotions: fear and sick pleasure. They radiated in such interwoven waves that it made him physically sick, made him fall on his knees and scream and tear his hair out. Even when one of the emotions died, he was still screaming hoarsely.

Then, just as suddenly, Muraki had been next to him, his silhouette dark and threatening against the red moon. The emotion that came from him was something Hisoka did not expect. He had expected surprise or even determination. He had definitely not expected that intense hate that followed.

Unbidden, emotions and memories flowed into him and he opened his mouth to scream again, unmindful of the cool palm against his mouth and for that sharp knife suddenly pressed against his throat.

His mind could see a child glaring at the mirror, a child who looked very much like him dressed in elaborate Western clothes, something he had never worn. He saw rows and rows of perfectly delicate porcelain dolls, staring at him as if they judged his sins. He felt emotions which he could identify and even claim as his own. Suddenly, he was not Kurosaki Hisoka--he was Muraki Kazutaka, alone and fearful, his hatred intensifying as he stared at the mirror.

He wanted to tell the man to kill him then, to cut his throat because no one would notice, no one would care, just like that time Muraki had committed his first and greatest sin without regret. But it was then that Muraki had said wonderingly, "You are beautiful," and forced him on the ground.

When Muraki had raped him, Hisoka could only feel one emotion coming from him then: disgust. He knew that the hatred was not because of Hisoka's innocent wanderings causing an abrupt change of plans; indeed, he could still feel Muraki's marvel even with the lust and fury muddled together. While the dagger carved pain over his skin, he knew that Muraki hated him more than he could hate anyone else in the whole world.

He knew that emotion, hate, and remembered it, tucked it in his mind, kept it in his heart, even while he pleaded for Muraki to stop.

Hisoka knew he was not good in begging someone to stop hurting him, but he was good in remembering everything about hate.

~ * ~

Then a new confinement began, and Hisoka began to forget things. Hours felt like days; sometimes days like hours. Those were trivial days, important only in their transition that will lead to more important and remembered days. He remembers that he was moved to another room in a part of the house where servants still seldom ventured. He remembers that his father had once carried him to his room after they had exhausted six hours of nonstop training in the dojo. He remembers that event because his father had whispered something to him that then made no sense: "Hate is your strongest weapon; your enemies shall bow before your anger."

And he remembers the day Muraki Kazutaka came. The doctor, all dressed in white, politely speaking with his mother and father while Hisoka lay on his futon, trembling at the waves of amusement and undisguised hate that rolled from the murderer, mingling with his father's steadfast relief and dread and his mother's uncertainty and...something else he could not define.

Since then, Muraki became his private physician and tutor. He came everyday, mostly when no one was around. In that room, he reworked and perfected the curse, made him read books, raped him constantly, and learned of Hisoka's secret that none of the servants knew. The discovery of Hisoka's empathy both amused and angered Muraki further. He would sometimes hold Hisoka throughout the night, despite the boy's struggles, intensifying his emotions.

"I hate you," Muraki had whispered to him one time.

When he realized Hisoka could not answer, he continued, "You probably know why?" The man traced his jaw, smiling down at him. His silver hair fell thickly over the eye Hisoka knew was glaring at him, his touch further making Hisoka recoil with pain. "Because you are a doll."

If Hisoka could speak, he would have replied but Muraki had gone on: "Your face is etched with all that I had undergone. You are everything I am just as I am everything you are to become. For you, there will only be the path of vengeance and hate. You will be like a puppet, continuing to dance on someone else's strings even as you pull others' strings. You will only destroy yourself as you seek to destroy those who have sought to destroy you."

Hisoka had looked up and, with all the desperation he could muster, spat out, "I hate you!"

"Of course you do," the amused doctor told him, leaning down to press his lips against the boy's, knowing it would further render him useless. "That hate will become your greatest strength and weakness."

Hisoka remembered that it was almost like what his father had told him once.

"You will despise yourself, boy. You will abhor your very nature. You will detest the very path you will choose. But it will be the only road you will tread, the only one you will be allowed to step on." And here Muraki had paused; for the first time, Hisoka felt and saw the doctor's grief. "I know because that path was the only one stretched before me."

After that, Muraki Kazutaka had learned to shield himself and his emotions. Hisoka would have forgotten the conversation, would have buried it under all the hate that he should remember about that man. But Hisoka remembers significant things. Even if he had forgotten them, they always came back to haunt him.

~ * ~

Hisoka remembered Muraki's words again when he killed Tsubaki-hime.

He remembered that he would destroy himself and those he found important with his very hands because of the anger that would envelop his every thought. When he threw himself into Tsuzuki's arms after the event, he remembered that it was not right to depend on Tsuzuki, to keep on wanting to hold on to him, because he would ruin his partner with his thirst for vengeance just as he had thoughtlessly ruined Tsubaki-hime.

But by then, Hisoka had become forgetful and had remembered too late.

He remembered that curse Muraki had uttered as well, when he threw himself to Touda's intense flames and begged Tsuzuki to live for his sake. By then Tsuzuki had already agreed to his request, and it was again too late to take those words back. Even after, he could not find himself fully regretting it. Piece by piece, he was beginning to understand that Tsuzuki had become Hisoka's puppet just as Hisoka was Tsuzuki's. He began to trace the strings they held as if those were the only things that kept both from falling apart.

Hisoka etches in his brain that Tsuzuki had given up because of Muraki's need for revenge but Hisoka's slow descent into becoming Muraki's mirror will break him apart until none will be left of them both but hate.

That is why Hisoka remembers Oriya Mibu's words: "His own anger is greater than yours. If hate is the only thing that drives you, you will never be able to defeat him."

As much as he is angered by it, Hisoka treasures these words and holds them close to his heart; closer than Muraki's prophecy, closer than his father's advice.

One person--even if it is only one--has told him there is hope for him yet. Even if it is against his father's words, even if it is against Muraki's, Hisoka thinks Oriya Mibu had become that monster but had mastered his hate and controlled it. He would be like Oriya Mibu, the master of his own future, and would not resign himself to Muraki's doomed path. He would continue to hate his father but he would not let that emotion devour his beliefs. He could continue to hate himself but he will not let that deter him from the path he had chosen for himself.

Hisoka resolved that he would not be manipulated by his fear. Instead, he will be ruled by his need to protect.

~ * ~

But Hisoka is forgetful and he knows it. That is why he tries to recite this promise to himself everyday whenever he wakes up, or repeat it every night before he sleeps. To help himself remember, he summons the memories of Tsubaki-hime's blood, of Tsuzuki's weary soul, or of Muraki's condemned life.

Hisoka forgets a lot of things, but he remembers important things. Now, he remembers smiles and laughter, persons and places. He remembers touches that hold no malice and warmth that has nothing to do with rage.

He knows that those are the most important things, the most significant things. Hisoka knows those will help him remember his choice when the time comes when he would have to select between atrocity and salvation.

Hisoka is not likely to forget the things he remembers anytime soon.