May's agonizing pain
Disclaimer- I don't own Harvest moon or any of it's characters.
My Lesson In Life
As I watched my mother leave grandpa's ranch, I had no idea it would be the last time I'd get to see her alive. I wasn't prepared for what was ahead, the severe agonizing pain her absence would lead to. The missing void that could never be filled. The emptiness left from a part of me dying with her. She simply left abruptly, ready to end her journey while I was just beginning mine.
I remember it so vividly. We were outside, on the pastures. We lived on Grandpa's ranch but we were happy living there. Happiness. The word is foreign to me now, but once upon a time, it was a way of life for me. I was carefree, happy and full of energy.
"Where are you going Mommy?" I asked her politely. I was a naïve child. I noticed she seemed distant, her eyes dark, and her face pale. Something wasn't right. Of course, I would never ask her if something was wrong, as she would always reassure me the world was nothing short of perfection. Everything was alright as long as she was there.
"I'm just going for a walk, honey." She smiled warmly, the first smile I saw her wear that gloomy day.
I smiled back at her, "Can I come?" I was eager to spend some time with her. Tell her about how Barley let me feed Hannah, our dog or how Stu finally came out with his crush on me. I was excited to share my experiences with her, I was excited to have her listen to me. I always strived for her approval, and I never stopped telling her stories. I loved sharing secrets with her. She was my friend.
"No." I instantly felt disappointed. "I have to go to the store to pick something up, I'll be back in ten minutes. Okay?" I nodded, like a good little girl. Never asking questions, always following orders and believing anything, no matter how farfetched or false it would seem.
"I love you, Mommy." I said as I watched her walk down the trail from Yodel Ranch.
"I love you too." And with that said, she disappeared, I would never see her again. I would have expected to say a lot more to my mother, in my final goodbye and I expected to do it much later in life.
Ten minutes seemed like forever. I waited patiently, sitting on the dirt path and awaiting her return but to no avail. Minutes passed, and she was no where in sight. Minutes turned to hours, and I still waited. Confident that she would return, I kept that same smile plastered on my face.
My grandfather opened the front door, and stepped out. Kneeling beside me, he sighed. "Hey kiddo, what are you doing out here?" He posed this question to me, his eyes looked worrisome.
"I'm waiting for mommy to come back." I smiled gleefully. Little did I know, she would never come back.
He nodded, "Well, why don't you wait for her inside?"
"I want to wave to mommy when she comes back, I want to tell her my stories."
Barley chuckled, "You can tell me your stories, I'm a good listener."
I giggled, "I know, but I want to tell mommy first. I want to tell her about how I answered the question right at school, and I never got it right before! I'm so happy."
"Wow, good for you May. I'm sure your mother would be pleased to hear you're doing better in school. She knows you're a smart kid, and she's proud of you." He patted me on the head, "Don't wait up too long." And so, he headed inside.
As the day passed, I got tired of waiting. "Where is she?" I asked myself. "She knows where the supermarket is! Why isn't she back yet?" So, I decided to go on my own walk. I was looking for my mother.
"Have you seen my mommy?" I asked the nice pink haired lady next door, Lillia. She and her two children, Rick and Popuri, lived on the Poultry farm. They were much older than I was though. "I think my mommy is lost."
Lillia shrugged, "I'm sorry, hon. I haven't seen your mommy at all today." I nodded, and proceeded into town.
"Have you seen my mommy?" I asked Gray, the blonde haired man who lived in the Blacksmith shop. "I cant find her anywhere!"
"Nope. Sorry." I sighed at his response. Where was she? As I continued my search, I came up blank every time. At the end of the day, I decided to quit.
I stormed into Grandpa's house pouting. "I am so mad!" I vented, "Where did she go? She said she'd be back! She said she'd be back! She said she'd be back in ten minutes! Where did she go?" I threw a tantrum.
"That's not helping anybody," Grandpa lamented, then he smiled reassuringly. "I'm sure she just got caught up in something, you know the way your mommy is." He tried to reason with me, but I wouldn't listen. I marched outside, and sat down on the ground angrily.
"If she doesn't come home soon, I'll..." I sighed, the anger had left me. I felt a little worried. I knew Mineral Town was a safe place to live, but I was waiting for her all day. A tear rolled down my cheek. I laid back, curling myself into a ball. "When she comes back, I'm going to yell at her." I noted. The sky was dark and she was nowhere in sight. Slowly I drifted into sleep.
I woke up the next morning in my room. Grandpa had carried me in from outside. I leaped out of bed to see if Mommy was back. She wasn't. "Grandpa! Grandpa! Grandpa! Where's Mommy?" I jumped on his bed immediately. "She's not here!"
Grandpa got up yawning, he took a look at his alarm clock and then back at me. I couldn't figure out why he was still sleeping. He had a farm to run, and animals to feed. Grandpa sighed and looked at me sternly, "Your momma called last night after you went to sleep. She said..." He trailed off.
"She said what? What did she say?" I was eager to hear any news from my mother. I jumped up and down on his bed anxiously.
"She said she wasn't coming back." The news hit me like a ton of bricks. She had deserted us. I felt rejected. I felt sad. I would not be telling my mother about Stu's crush, or the A I got on my test any time soon.
"What do you mean?" I asked innocently.
"She won't be coming home. She packed some things and left for good." It was surprising how honest he was being. He didn't even make an effort to sugar coat things. "She told me to keep you here, and look after you."
My world came crashing down. "She's not... She's not coming back home?"
"I'm afraid not."
My mouth dropped, "But... doesn't she love me?" My voice cracked weakly.
"She does, but... she said it'd be better off this way."
How? How is a girl better off without her mother? I felt the bitter sting deep within me. My heart ached and I couldn't breathe. Who would deny their daughter? The rage inside me slowly built up. Things would never be the same.
"I made mommy go away." I said to myself. "Mommy went away because of me!"
"Don't say that." My grandpa hugged me tightly, "Your mother..." He left his sentence mid-way. My mother-what? Had issues? I was aware of that now. My respect for her was gone.
"I hate my life!" I cried, and Grandpa just cradled me.
"You're too young to be saying stuff like that." He was right. I was too young to be going on this emotional rollercoaster I was on. I had my grandfather to support me, yet I felt alone. I had to face the fact that my mother wasn't going to come back, and I had to be as strong as I could be. The worst was yet to come, and my feelings of resentment and anger would only grow. My depression only deepen, and I would only hate my life more.
Weeks later, I was watching television on my grandpa's bed. As I flipped through the channels I saw my mother's picture on the news. I put the volume up. "Joanna Farlane died last night at 9:54pm. The young woman apparently had enough and committed suicide. She will be missed dearly. It is a sad day in Mineral Town indeed." I dropped the remote. My heart almost stopped. Mommy was gone. I trembled uncontrollably. She was really gone now. Tears ran down my cheeks. For the longest time, I felt like a dry well. I had cried so much that I had no more tears to shed. I thought the pain was going to subside but I was wrong. The tears came suddenly. I clenched my fists. "If there's a goddess, why did she let mommy die?" I didn't understand what had actually taken place. My mother did the deed to herself. She slashed her wrists, and bled to death. She took the wrong direction in the crossroads. She was now just another name on a slate. She would be forgotten, and soon no one would even know who "Joanna" was.
Grandpa already knew about the tragic event, but he kept it from me. Why? To protect me? I didn't know, and I didn't care. When we attended her funeral, I questioned if Mommy was right in her decision. I asked myself if I should follow in her footsteps. I would always have an inner battle, and I was afraid. What if I lost that battle like my mother did?
"We are gathered here to send Joanna Farlane off, and let her rest in peace." The priest began, "She was a wonderful woman, the perfect citizen, a lovely daughter and a caring mother." Was she? She left her own daughter to fend for herself. I finally realized my mother wasn't the ray of sunshine I always thought she was.
I looked around at the mourning faces. No one was crying. I was the only one weeping after she was gone. This frustrated me. Of course, I didn't know about my mother's reputation. I was her daughter, the product of a one night stand. No one respected my mother. In a sense, they expected to be at her funeral, and stare at her grave in a mocking "I-told-you-so" manner. My mother had no real friends. My grandfather and I were all she ever really had. It was sad really, how my mother was just another lost soul in the mix. Isolated by society because of the choices she made. Who had a clean slate? No one had the right to judge my mother, and for that I resented the town. At the same time, she had wronged so many people it was a faltering resentment.
"Joanna asked me for money again" I recalled Lillia saying once, "She still owes me three thousand gold, and I doubt she'll ever pay me back." I shook my head. I was so oblivious to the woman my mother truly was.
"And now, Her father Barley has a few words to say." I snapped back to reality. My grandfather marched up to the microphone.
"My daughter may not have been perfect, but I was proud of her. Many people judged her, but who is without sin? Those who live in glass houses shouldn't cast stones. Joanna was a depressed woman, she'd always be complaining about something. She knew she had to stay strong for May and I though. And she did. These last few weeks have been really hard on us, but Joanna has left us something that will never be taken away. We know she's somewhere watching over us, and she's proud. She knows that her daughter has the ability to succeed in life. Even though her life was short lived, it was an eventful life. It left her wise beyond her years. I have to commend her on being who she was, likeable or not, her intensions were always clear. And she will forever be my angel. It's not right, a father should not have to bury his child, but here I stand." The silence among the crowd was overwhelming. "I love you Joanna, and I miss you terribly. I'm sorry you were so unhappy but maybe now your soul can finally rest in peace. You deserve that much... I'll be there soon with you." Grandpa was choked up.
I looked down at the ground, tears still in my eyes. This was painful, but it was apart of my life. It's just one experience, one puzzle piece of the big picture. I was proud to wear my tears. I loved my mother, and missed her greatly. I wasn't ashamed to show my appreciation for her. She was, after all my mother.
Now, years later I still look back on the experience and want to cry. The angst, the pain, and the wounding I have endured. I'll remember it for the rest of my life. I still live with my grandfather, and we've gotten closer. I know one day I will have to part with him as well though, so I make sure to appreciate each precious moment we spend together. People come and go, and they teach us lessons. My mother taught me the greatest lesson of all. I could be in pain, but still love life. That's right, I love my life. It's perfect even with all of it's imperfections. I know that if there's ever a time where life hurts so bad I want to end it all, I don't have to. I can stay strong, and roll with the punches. Everyone faces hardships in their lives, it's how we handle the situations that make us who we are.
And Life is beautiful.
Disclaimer- I don't own Harvest moon or any of it's characters.
My Lesson In Life
As I watched my mother leave grandpa's ranch, I had no idea it would be the last time I'd get to see her alive. I wasn't prepared for what was ahead, the severe agonizing pain her absence would lead to. The missing void that could never be filled. The emptiness left from a part of me dying with her. She simply left abruptly, ready to end her journey while I was just beginning mine.
I remember it so vividly. We were outside, on the pastures. We lived on Grandpa's ranch but we were happy living there. Happiness. The word is foreign to me now, but once upon a time, it was a way of life for me. I was carefree, happy and full of energy.
"Where are you going Mommy?" I asked her politely. I was a naïve child. I noticed she seemed distant, her eyes dark, and her face pale. Something wasn't right. Of course, I would never ask her if something was wrong, as she would always reassure me the world was nothing short of perfection. Everything was alright as long as she was there.
"I'm just going for a walk, honey." She smiled warmly, the first smile I saw her wear that gloomy day.
I smiled back at her, "Can I come?" I was eager to spend some time with her. Tell her about how Barley let me feed Hannah, our dog or how Stu finally came out with his crush on me. I was excited to share my experiences with her, I was excited to have her listen to me. I always strived for her approval, and I never stopped telling her stories. I loved sharing secrets with her. She was my friend.
"No." I instantly felt disappointed. "I have to go to the store to pick something up, I'll be back in ten minutes. Okay?" I nodded, like a good little girl. Never asking questions, always following orders and believing anything, no matter how farfetched or false it would seem.
"I love you, Mommy." I said as I watched her walk down the trail from Yodel Ranch.
"I love you too." And with that said, she disappeared, I would never see her again. I would have expected to say a lot more to my mother, in my final goodbye and I expected to do it much later in life.
Ten minutes seemed like forever. I waited patiently, sitting on the dirt path and awaiting her return but to no avail. Minutes passed, and she was no where in sight. Minutes turned to hours, and I still waited. Confident that she would return, I kept that same smile plastered on my face.
My grandfather opened the front door, and stepped out. Kneeling beside me, he sighed. "Hey kiddo, what are you doing out here?" He posed this question to me, his eyes looked worrisome.
"I'm waiting for mommy to come back." I smiled gleefully. Little did I know, she would never come back.
He nodded, "Well, why don't you wait for her inside?"
"I want to wave to mommy when she comes back, I want to tell her my stories."
Barley chuckled, "You can tell me your stories, I'm a good listener."
I giggled, "I know, but I want to tell mommy first. I want to tell her about how I answered the question right at school, and I never got it right before! I'm so happy."
"Wow, good for you May. I'm sure your mother would be pleased to hear you're doing better in school. She knows you're a smart kid, and she's proud of you." He patted me on the head, "Don't wait up too long." And so, he headed inside.
As the day passed, I got tired of waiting. "Where is she?" I asked myself. "She knows where the supermarket is! Why isn't she back yet?" So, I decided to go on my own walk. I was looking for my mother.
"Have you seen my mommy?" I asked the nice pink haired lady next door, Lillia. She and her two children, Rick and Popuri, lived on the Poultry farm. They were much older than I was though. "I think my mommy is lost."
Lillia shrugged, "I'm sorry, hon. I haven't seen your mommy at all today." I nodded, and proceeded into town.
"Have you seen my mommy?" I asked Gray, the blonde haired man who lived in the Blacksmith shop. "I cant find her anywhere!"
"Nope. Sorry." I sighed at his response. Where was she? As I continued my search, I came up blank every time. At the end of the day, I decided to quit.
I stormed into Grandpa's house pouting. "I am so mad!" I vented, "Where did she go? She said she'd be back! She said she'd be back! She said she'd be back in ten minutes! Where did she go?" I threw a tantrum.
"That's not helping anybody," Grandpa lamented, then he smiled reassuringly. "I'm sure she just got caught up in something, you know the way your mommy is." He tried to reason with me, but I wouldn't listen. I marched outside, and sat down on the ground angrily.
"If she doesn't come home soon, I'll..." I sighed, the anger had left me. I felt a little worried. I knew Mineral Town was a safe place to live, but I was waiting for her all day. A tear rolled down my cheek. I laid back, curling myself into a ball. "When she comes back, I'm going to yell at her." I noted. The sky was dark and she was nowhere in sight. Slowly I drifted into sleep.
I woke up the next morning in my room. Grandpa had carried me in from outside. I leaped out of bed to see if Mommy was back. She wasn't. "Grandpa! Grandpa! Grandpa! Where's Mommy?" I jumped on his bed immediately. "She's not here!"
Grandpa got up yawning, he took a look at his alarm clock and then back at me. I couldn't figure out why he was still sleeping. He had a farm to run, and animals to feed. Grandpa sighed and looked at me sternly, "Your momma called last night after you went to sleep. She said..." He trailed off.
"She said what? What did she say?" I was eager to hear any news from my mother. I jumped up and down on his bed anxiously.
"She said she wasn't coming back." The news hit me like a ton of bricks. She had deserted us. I felt rejected. I felt sad. I would not be telling my mother about Stu's crush, or the A I got on my test any time soon.
"What do you mean?" I asked innocently.
"She won't be coming home. She packed some things and left for good." It was surprising how honest he was being. He didn't even make an effort to sugar coat things. "She told me to keep you here, and look after you."
My world came crashing down. "She's not... She's not coming back home?"
"I'm afraid not."
My mouth dropped, "But... doesn't she love me?" My voice cracked weakly.
"She does, but... she said it'd be better off this way."
How? How is a girl better off without her mother? I felt the bitter sting deep within me. My heart ached and I couldn't breathe. Who would deny their daughter? The rage inside me slowly built up. Things would never be the same.
"I made mommy go away." I said to myself. "Mommy went away because of me!"
"Don't say that." My grandpa hugged me tightly, "Your mother..." He left his sentence mid-way. My mother-what? Had issues? I was aware of that now. My respect for her was gone.
"I hate my life!" I cried, and Grandpa just cradled me.
"You're too young to be saying stuff like that." He was right. I was too young to be going on this emotional rollercoaster I was on. I had my grandfather to support me, yet I felt alone. I had to face the fact that my mother wasn't going to come back, and I had to be as strong as I could be. The worst was yet to come, and my feelings of resentment and anger would only grow. My depression only deepen, and I would only hate my life more.
Weeks later, I was watching television on my grandpa's bed. As I flipped through the channels I saw my mother's picture on the news. I put the volume up. "Joanna Farlane died last night at 9:54pm. The young woman apparently had enough and committed suicide. She will be missed dearly. It is a sad day in Mineral Town indeed." I dropped the remote. My heart almost stopped. Mommy was gone. I trembled uncontrollably. She was really gone now. Tears ran down my cheeks. For the longest time, I felt like a dry well. I had cried so much that I had no more tears to shed. I thought the pain was going to subside but I was wrong. The tears came suddenly. I clenched my fists. "If there's a goddess, why did she let mommy die?" I didn't understand what had actually taken place. My mother did the deed to herself. She slashed her wrists, and bled to death. She took the wrong direction in the crossroads. She was now just another name on a slate. She would be forgotten, and soon no one would even know who "Joanna" was.
Grandpa already knew about the tragic event, but he kept it from me. Why? To protect me? I didn't know, and I didn't care. When we attended her funeral, I questioned if Mommy was right in her decision. I asked myself if I should follow in her footsteps. I would always have an inner battle, and I was afraid. What if I lost that battle like my mother did?
"We are gathered here to send Joanna Farlane off, and let her rest in peace." The priest began, "She was a wonderful woman, the perfect citizen, a lovely daughter and a caring mother." Was she? She left her own daughter to fend for herself. I finally realized my mother wasn't the ray of sunshine I always thought she was.
I looked around at the mourning faces. No one was crying. I was the only one weeping after she was gone. This frustrated me. Of course, I didn't know about my mother's reputation. I was her daughter, the product of a one night stand. No one respected my mother. In a sense, they expected to be at her funeral, and stare at her grave in a mocking "I-told-you-so" manner. My mother had no real friends. My grandfather and I were all she ever really had. It was sad really, how my mother was just another lost soul in the mix. Isolated by society because of the choices she made. Who had a clean slate? No one had the right to judge my mother, and for that I resented the town. At the same time, she had wronged so many people it was a faltering resentment.
"Joanna asked me for money again" I recalled Lillia saying once, "She still owes me three thousand gold, and I doubt she'll ever pay me back." I shook my head. I was so oblivious to the woman my mother truly was.
"And now, Her father Barley has a few words to say." I snapped back to reality. My grandfather marched up to the microphone.
"My daughter may not have been perfect, but I was proud of her. Many people judged her, but who is without sin? Those who live in glass houses shouldn't cast stones. Joanna was a depressed woman, she'd always be complaining about something. She knew she had to stay strong for May and I though. And she did. These last few weeks have been really hard on us, but Joanna has left us something that will never be taken away. We know she's somewhere watching over us, and she's proud. She knows that her daughter has the ability to succeed in life. Even though her life was short lived, it was an eventful life. It left her wise beyond her years. I have to commend her on being who she was, likeable or not, her intensions were always clear. And she will forever be my angel. It's not right, a father should not have to bury his child, but here I stand." The silence among the crowd was overwhelming. "I love you Joanna, and I miss you terribly. I'm sorry you were so unhappy but maybe now your soul can finally rest in peace. You deserve that much... I'll be there soon with you." Grandpa was choked up.
I looked down at the ground, tears still in my eyes. This was painful, but it was apart of my life. It's just one experience, one puzzle piece of the big picture. I was proud to wear my tears. I loved my mother, and missed her greatly. I wasn't ashamed to show my appreciation for her. She was, after all my mother.
Now, years later I still look back on the experience and want to cry. The angst, the pain, and the wounding I have endured. I'll remember it for the rest of my life. I still live with my grandfather, and we've gotten closer. I know one day I will have to part with him as well though, so I make sure to appreciate each precious moment we spend together. People come and go, and they teach us lessons. My mother taught me the greatest lesson of all. I could be in pain, but still love life. That's right, I love my life. It's perfect even with all of it's imperfections. I know that if there's ever a time where life hurts so bad I want to end it all, I don't have to. I can stay strong, and roll with the punches. Everyone faces hardships in their lives, it's how we handle the situations that make us who we are.
And Life is beautiful.