Title: Daniel Jackson - International Man of Hysteria!
Feedback: jm-webmistress@fsmail.net
Rating: PG-13
Author Notes: I'm spoofing a spoof. Sit back and enjoy the ride.
Spoilers: Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery
Summary: Can Daniel Jackson, International Man of Hysteria put a stop to Colonel O'Nevil's plan to travel back to 1969 and steal his cocoa? With the help of Sam Carthorse and Teal'Cupboard he must rescue his caffeine stash, or the world will be thrown into disaster…
Disclaimer: You all know that I didn't create or even think about Austin Powers, so don't even try to sue me for it. As usual, All publicly recognisable characters and places are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret productions. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended. Previously unrecognised characters and places, and this story, are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.
Enjoy this, my crazy friends!
~ Daniel Jackson, International Man of Hysteria! ~
Copyright © 2004, Ruth
**********
Present Day 2004
"And today, my friends," said Colonel O'Nevil, addressing a group of about six men, who were all seated around a long, rectangular table, "Daniel Jackson is to be released from his cryogenic suspension after 35 years."
"Want us to go after his mojo, boss?" Charlie GoWalk-Ski piped up from the farthest chair.
"His mojo?" Colonel O'Nevil smirked, "What would I want with that? I'm still a perfectly libidinous man for my age!"
GoWalk-Ski winced at the mental image presented to him, and sank back down in his chair.
"No, I want you to take something of a much higher value to Mr Jackson - his cocoa."
"His cocoa?" Major Daisies responded, stunned. "Why, your evilness, are you after his cocoa?"
"For years Daniel Jackson has been drinking these caffeine-related products and he has not aged a day - whereas I have become quite grey and wobbly. With his cocoa will come the fountain of youth - I will once again be young, and may even be able to capture the heart of Samantha Carthorse."
"Ah…" Charlie GoWalk-Ski murmured, "But hasn't she turned over to Jackson's side?"
"Patience, my meat-derivative-named friend, patience. You have much to learn about capturing a woman's heart." O'Nevil said smoothly, stroking a white rabbit that was sitting in his lap, "Mr Flufflesworth and I will travel back to 1969, Jackson's heyday, and steal his cocoa!"
"Um…" Charlie GoWalk-Ski interjected, "How do you propose to go back in time?"
"With my go-back-in-time treadmill!" O'Nevil proclaimed proudly, "It's a very simple and very evil plan of mine - it looks like an ordinary treadmill, but it is not! No, for once you get up enough speed, you are thrown through time until you reach the input destination - mawhahahahaha!"
Charlie GoWalk-Ski laughed appreciatively, as did the rest of the men around the table. They included Major Daisies, Colonel Makewar and General Hamroll. General Hamroll had once been the superior officer in their organisation, but when Colonel O'Nevil was promoted, it was decided that he should take control.
He was beginning to wonder if this had been a good idea.
The laughing ended, and Colonel O'Nevil stroked the rabbit in his lap.
"Come, Mr Flufflesworth," he ordered, standing up and going over to the go-back-in-time treadmill, rabbit in tow. "GoWalk-Ski, Daisies - you're with me. Hamroll, Makewar - your job is to make sure that nobody destroys this base before I get back! Oh, and, clean Mr Flufflesworth's cage out."
"But…" Colonel Makewar protested, "We are here to fight Daniel Jackson, your evilness. How can we fight him when we're cleaning a rabbit hutch?"
"You will have your time!" O'Nevil said, with foreboding, and got onto the treadmill, holding Mr Flufflesworth in his arms.
"GoWalk-Ski, Daisies - wait ten minutes after we are gone before you follow us. Is that clear?"
"Yes, sir!" GoWalk-Ski saluted Colonel O'Nevil. Major Daisies just adjusted his hair a bit.
"Then so long, suckers!" O'Nevil cried, and activated the treadmill.
Unfortunately, he turned it the wrong way, and he and Mr Flufflesworth shot off of the back of the treadmill and ended up in an unceremonious heap on the floor beside it.
GoWalk-Ski hurried to his aid, but O'Nevil shoved him away angrily.
"What, do I look like I need a frickin' maid?" he spat, pulling the somewhat terrified rabbit into his arms again and starting the treadmill properly. "I'll see you in 1969!"
There was a puff of bright pink smoke, and Colonel O'Nevil and Mr Flufflesworth were gone.
**********
Meanwhile, back in 1969...
"Yeah!" Daniel Jackson drawled, taking a swig from a bottle of beer in his hand, "This is some party, baby!"
His lifetime friend, bodyguard and companion, Teal' Cupboard, stood beside him, wearing bright pink cords and a zebra-print top. He also wore white fluffy boots, that looked as if they had once belonged to a husky.
"Daniel Jackson, I do believe you must moderate your consumption of alcoholic beverages," he said, deadpan, "You do know that you cannot tolerate it."
"Yeah, baby, whatever!" Jackson grinned, taking another swig and grinning stupidly at an attractive woman who walked past him.
Teal 'Cupboard sighed, took out a pair of jet-black sunglasses, and put them on.
"I have done all that I can," he muttered, and stalked off to look out of the window. He frowned as he saw an aging man, with grey hair wearing a dreadful grey suit and holding what looked like a rabbit; heading towards the entrance of the club.
"Colonel O'Nevil!" Teal 'Cupboard whispered in horror, and whipped around to try and find Jackson. He panicked when he could not see him, and reached up into his lime green bandana to pull out a small handgun.
"Daniel Jackson!" he shouted, brandishing the gun viciously to try and make his way through the crowd. He knocked past a pair of women who were dressed entirely from head to toe in leopard skin. With a shudder of disgust, he continued to make his way over to the corner of the room, and a high-pitched giggle which could only have belonged to Daniel.
He found him sitting on a purple bean bag, being sick in a bin.
"Daniel Jackson," he whispered urgently, "We must escape!"
"But I…uuurrggghh!" Jackson retched into the bin again, ignoring his bodyguard.
"Daniel Jackson!" Teal' Cupboard hissed, grabbing hold of his forearm, "Colonel O'Nevil is in the building!"
"What?" Jackson spluttered, "Why the hell didn't you tell me that from the beginning?"
Teal' Cupboard felt his blood beginning to boil, but decided to let him off on account of the fact that he was roaring drunk.
"I will do so in future," he began, "But…"
Just then, a gunshot and a scream shot through the club, and Teal' Cupboard yelled:
"EVERYBODY GET DOWN!"
"Blast!" O'Nevil cursed, dropping his rabbit, "Teal' Cupboard! I should have known!"
"What's going on, Cupboard?" Daniel slurred, falling sideways off of the beanbag and into the lap of a waiting lady.
"Aww…" O'Nevil smirked, "Still can't handle an ickow bit of alcohol, can he?"
"I believe that Daniel Jackson is fine," Teal' Cupboard said defensively, "He is just enjoying his alcoholic beverage."
"Yeah, right," O'Nevil sneered. "Prepare to die!"
He aimed the gun and Teal' Cupboard's groin and fired. Nothing happened.
"My God!" O'Nevil said, "You really do have balls of steel!"
"No, I am wearing my bullet-proof jockstrap," Teal 'Cupboard stated proudly, firing back at Colonel O'Nevil and nicking his shoulder with the bullet.
"OW! You shot me, you A-Hole!" O'Nevil groaned, falling to the floor and scrabbling around for Mr Flufflesworth.
"You must leave this place!" Teal' Cupboard said, standing over him, gun still raised.
O'Nevil suddenly barked a laugh.
"What?"
"Where DID you get that outfit? Bomb go off in an Oxfam shop, did it?" he cackled.
Mr Flufflesworth, being the inquisitive little thing that he was, had wandered into Daniel's dressing room and his little beady eyes fell on a jar that was sitting in the corner of the room, next to the kettle.
He hopped along, over a neon pink shag pile rug and through a toilet-roll tube that was, for some unknown reason discarded on the floor, and up onto the kitchen worktop. With his nose he edged the cocoa jar off of the side and onto the chair beside it. He hopped down, nosed the jar onto the floor and looked at a little button on a chain around his neck.
With his nose, he pressed the button and a plasma screen popped up in front of him, showing Charlie GoWalk-Ski and Major Daisies standing in a clothes shop.
"Agh!" Charlie jumped, seeing Mr Flufflesworth in the screen, "Oh - you found the cocoa?"
The rabbit nodded.
"Good rabbit!" Charlie coaxed, "You'll have an extra carrot when you get home, yes you will!"
The computer shut down.
Mr Flufflesworth sighed deeply, took a cigarette out of his fur, lit it, and grunted:
"Bunch of tossers."
**********
Daniel Jackson was slowly sobering up, and becoming aware of the fact that his arch nemesis was in the same room as him.
"Who the hell let him in?" he drawled, "Teal' Cupboard, I employ you to stop this kind of thing from happening!"
"Indeed," Teal' Cupboard grunted, keeping his gun trained on Colonel O'Nevil. Everyone was so busy watching the Colonel that they failed to notice a white rabbit sneaking out of the club with a jar of cocoa. Everyone, that is, apart from Daniel Jackson.
"THE RABBIT'S STEALING MY COCOA!" he yelled, and staggered to his feet.
"After it!" Teal' Cupboard shouted, and a stampede of feet was soon hurrying after the rabbit.
"Shit!" Mr Flufflesworth muttered, jumping into an elevator and pulling a cell phone from his fur. He punched in a number and waited impatiently, tapping his paw on the floor.
"Hello?"
"GoWalk-Ski!" the rabbit shouted, "Where are ya? I've got a whole club on my ass and you and Major Daisies are still trying on dresses?"
"I take offence at that!" Charlie said defensively, wondering why Daisies was staring at him, open-mouthed.
"We'll be there in a minute!" he said, putting the phone down. "And what the hell is your problem?" he snapped at Major Daisies.
"You just got a phone call from a rabbit." Daisies commented.
"Oh My God."
**********
Charlie Go-Walk-Ski and Major Daisies hurried out of the clothing shop in time to see Colonel O'Nevil and Mr Flufflesworth running out of Jackson's club, with the infamous bodyguard Teal' Cupboard on their heels.
"Into the camper van!" O'Nevil shouted, and the four of them jumped into a Winnebago.
"Let's roll!" Major Daisies shouted, and floored the accelerator to reach an impressive 10 miles per hour.
"They're getting away!" Daniel Jackson called in anguish, "With my cocoa!"
At that moment, a jet-black mini approached and an attractive blonde woman got out.
"Come with me!" she said, "We'll get your cocoa back!"
"Who are you?" Daniel asked, finding it hard not to stare at the woman whose face scarily resembled that of a horse.
"My name is Samantha Carthorse," she said.
"How did you come to have such a name?" Teal' Cupboard questioned.
"It was due to an unfortunate incident involving a cart, and…look, do you want your cocoa back or not?" Carthorse shifted about impatiently.
"Get in the mini," Jackson said, and followed his bodyguard into the back seat.
"After that Winnebago!" Teal' Cupboard shouted, and the three of them raced off in the mini, with a crowd of excited women running behind them.
"We love you Daniel Jackson!" they shouted joyfully.
"Jeez," Samantha Carthorse said, "How did you end up with a fan following like that?"
"Do you know who I am?" Daniel asked, putting on a pair of what he liked to call his 'hard-man' sunglasses.
"No, who are you?" Carthorse asked.
"I am Daniel Jackson, International Man of Hysteria!" he proclaimed loudly, and Teal' Cupboard applauded him.
"Oh My God! You're him?" Carthorse asked, "I didn't recognise you! I always imagined you to be tall, attractive…"
"Hey!" Daniel protested, "I might not be tall, but I am attractive! The three million women behind this mini prove that!"
"The Winnebago is gaining speed!" Teal' Cupboard said suddenly, wanting to break up the argument between Jackson and Carthorse.
"Oh my God!" Samantha cried, "It's travelling at nearly…15 miles an hour!"
"We'll never catch it!" Daniel wailed, "My cocoa is gone!"
"Try to remain positive," Teal' Cupboard told his master, "And Ms Carthorse - please try to maintain a constant speed."
"What are you doing?" Samantha asked, as Teal' Cupboard rolled down the window and clambered out of it. He struggled around to the front of the vehicle and told her to increase their speed.
When they pulled level with the Winnebago, Teal' Cupboard saw his chance and leapt onto it, breaking the window with his bare hand.
"Freakin' balls!" O'Nevil exclaimed, stuffing the jar of cocoa up his shirt and staggering back into what was apparently the toilet.
"Come out and fight me like a man!" Teal' Cupboard shouted, pulling out his gun and aiming it at the toilet door. "Don't make me come in there!" he threatened.
It was at that moment that Mr Flufflesworth hopped up, looked at the man's foot and bit him hard on the ankle. Teal' Cupboard looked down at the rabbit and frowned, picking it up by the scruff of its neck.
"Unhand me, you fiend!" the rabbit shouted, kicking out at Teal' Cupboard with his paws.
Cupboard was so shocked that he dropped the rabbit on the floor and took a step backwards. He swayed about as the Winnebago reached a dangerously fast speed of 20 miles per hour.
"I see you've met my partner in crime," O'Nevil laughed, "That was Mr Flufflesworth, the most fiendish rabbit in the whole of the United States!"
Teal' Cupboard was beginning to get seriously freaked out. He shrieked when a man in a dress approached him, holding a handgun.
"This is my cross-dressing accomplice, Major Daisies, and his fellow crony Charles Go Walk-Ski. Take him down, boys!"
Teal' Cupboard tried to make a break for it but he tripped over a saucepan and landed on the floor. Major Daisies and Charlie Go Walk-Ski promptly bundled on top of him and rendered him captured.
"You're going nowhere!" Colonel O'Nevil smirked, stepping out of the toilet and pulling out the jar from under his shirt. "Now that I have Daniel Jackson's cocoa, I am UNSTOPPABLE!"
"Nnnnnnnnnoooooooo!" Teal' Cupboard shouted, as Colonel O'Nevil proceeded to the kettle to make himself a cup of cocoa. He tried to dive into the Colonel's way, but Major Daisies had a fat ass and was going nowhere.
"You will watch your friends suffer and die at the brunt of my evilness!" O'Nevil chuckled, filling up his mug with boiling water. He stole a look out of the back of the Winnebago and his jaw dropped.
"Is that…the beautiful Samantha Carthorse?" he asked, turning around to face Teal' Cupboard.
"I do not know," Teal' Cupboard replied, "And I would not tell you if I did."
"You will soon give in, under the duress of torture!" O'Nevil cackled, "Go Walk-Ski, get the Popsicles!"
"Yes, your evilness!" Go Walk-Ski bowed, and dug around in a small fridge to reveal a bag of Popsicles.
"Yes," O'Nevil sneered out of the window, "The lady Carthorse will soon be mine! Mawhahahahahahaha!"
**********
"It looks like your bodyguard has been captured!" Samantha Carthorse exclaimed, turning around to face Daniel Jackson.
"Oh, God!" he said dramatically, "I'd hoped that it wouldn't come to this!"
"What are you going to do?" Carthorse asked, struggling to keep her mini travelling at 20 miles per hour.
"Well, I will…let's see…OH GOD!" Daniel cried, and started clawing at his face, "This is the part where Teal' Cupboard tells me what to do! I DON'T KNOW!!"
Ms Carthorse sighed, put the mini in auto-driver and turned around, giving Jackson a slap across the face.
"Pull yourself together! You're Daniel Jackson, international man of Hysteria! You'll think of something!"
"Thank you," he said, "I was getting desperate. I needed that slap. Now, to formulate a plan…"
"Look!" Samantha explained, "The Winnebago - it just disappeared!"
"WHAT?" Jackson shouted, un-doing his seatbelt and leaning forwards, "That dastardly Colonel must have taken a left at the last junction!"
Carthorse sighed. "I never saw that one coming. Now we have to wait until the next roundabout."
"Damn!"
**********
"HA!" Colonel O'Nevil shouted, "I knew that would throw them! Due to her accident involving a cart travelling at a high speed, Samantha Carthorse has an inability to turn left! Now she will never catch us!"
"But now you'll never get to make her your wife, your evilness," Major Daisies added.
"What?" O'Nevil asked. "Oh, damn!"
**********
"You know, the place we need to go is the Ministry for Highly Technical and Secret Stuff," Samantha said, "They'll be able to help us. I just became a junior agent with them, as well as juggling a high-maintenance career at Burger King."
"Really?" Daniel asked, pretending to be impressed, "And just whereabouts is this Ministry for Highly Technical and Secret Stuff?"
"All I have to do is take a left here…oh, damn!"
"What?" Jackson asked. The premise of taking a left turn seemed perfectly simple to him.
"Since my unfortunate accident with a cart travelling at a high speed, I have been unable to make a left turn," Carthorse explained, "But luckily, the Ministry for Highly Technical and Secret Stuff created his device for me."
She pulled a small silver box out of an ashtray and attached it to the steering wheel.
"What does it do?" Jackson asked, leaning forwards to look at the box.
"Duh!" Carthorse laughed, "It turns the car left for me!"
"Well, why can't I just do it?" Jackson asked irritably, "Seeing as you can't steer yourself to do it!"
"Ha! Great joke, Mr Jackson - I have often heard about your renowned sense of humour!"
"Must be the wrong International Man of Hysteria, then."
**********
Back in the Winnebago, Colonel O'Nevil was preparing to make the time-jump back to 2004.
"Now that I have the cocoa, I am unstoppable!" he laughed, and got onto the treadmill, Mr Flufflesworth in his arms.
"Good luck, your evilness!" Major Daisies said.
"Luck? Luck? I do not need luck, I am perfection itself!" O'Nevil boasted, and started the treadmill. "See you in the future, suckers!"
And with that, he disappeared.
**********
1969, The Ministry for Highly Technical and Secret Stuff…
"Ah, Samantha Carthorse," a beaming man welcomed the two of them, "And you are?"
"Daniel Jackson, International Man of Hysteria," he said proudly, extending his hand.
"Oh!" the man laughed, "Sorry, I didn't recognise you. I was expecting you to be tall and attractive!"
"I may not be tall, but I AM attractive!" Jackson said through gritted teeth.
"Yes," the man said sarcastically, turning back to Samantha, "What can the Ministry do for you today?"
"Well, Agent Johnson, it seems that Colonel O'Nevil has taken Daniel Jackson's cocoa."
"Good heavens!" Agent Johnson replied, "And we are receiving reports that he has just travelled back to 2004 with the cocoa!"
"Um…excuse me?" Daniel probed, "Mr…uh…"
"Johnson," the man beamed, "Hugh Johnson."
Daniel swallowed a snort of laughter but choked it out again, which made him sound like he had swallowed a frog.
"Uh…yes…you said that Colonel O'Nevil had travelled back to 2004 - don't you mean that he travelled forwards?"
Johnson's smile began to droop at the corners.
"Of course," he said, "But we at the Ministry have developed some new gadgets for you to use in your quest! Please follow me."
"Huge Johnson," Daniel sniggered to himself, "What am I getting myself into?"
**********
Present Day 2004, Colonel O'Nevil's secret lair…
"Welcome, my friends, back to my secret lair. Now that I have Daniel Jackson's cocoa, I am UNSTOPPABLE!"
"You already said that," General Hamroll pouted.
"Who put the bug in your ass?" Colonel O'Nevil questioned, "I don't have time for you to be on your frickin' period, General."
"Why didn't you let me go with Major Daisies and Go Walk-Ski?" Hamroll frowned.
"Because you're what's known as a quote unquote old fart" O'Nevil replied in an irritating voice, "Colonel Makewar didn't go either, and he's not throwing his toys out of the cot!"
"Colonel," Major Daisies interrupted, "What do you plan to do now?"
"Well, Jackson will have undoubtedly made his way to the Ministry for Highly Technical and Secret Stuff, so we have to wait until they undoubtedly travel forwards in time, and end up in my lair. Then, they will undoubtedly come looking for me, and we will undoubtedly drop them in a giant vat of Baked Beans with giant cod swimming around, with chainsaws! Mawhahahaha!"
"Uh…" Charlie Go Walk-Ski held up his hand, "About the cod, sir - we can't get the chainsaws."
"WHAT?" O'Nevil shouted, "No cod??"
"No, sir," Go Walk-Ski stammered.
"ALL I ASK FOR IS FRICKIN' COD WITH FRICKIN' CHAINSAWS ON THEM!" O'Nevil shouted, "AND YOU CAN'T EVEN DO THAT?"
"We do have something else," Go Walk-Ski offered.
"What?" O'Nevil asked flatly.
"Carcinogenic Minnows."
"Bless you, now what?" O'Nevil asked, "I don't understand all this frickin' scientific mumbo-jumbo!"
"Carcinogenic minnows? Well, once they are ingested they will burn a hole in whatever has eaten them from the inside out."
"Sweet," O'Nevil said, rubbing his hands together, "How many of them do we have?"
"Uh…" perspiration began to run down the side of Go Walk-Ski's face, "Well, we ordered them off of eBay yesterday but they haven't arrived yet."
"WHAT? FIRST I DON'T GET MY FRICKIN' COD WITH FRICKIN' CHAINSAWS, AND NOW YOU'RE ORDERING STUFF OFF OF FRICKIN' EBAY WITHOUT TELLING ME? AAARRRRGGGHHHH!"
"I'm sorry, Colonel, they will arrive as soon as possible," Go Walk-Ski stammered.
"Now you will suffer a terrible fate!" O'Nevil raged. "When I get angry, Mr Flufflesworth gets upset, and when Mr Flufflesworth gets upset, people DIE!"
With that, Go Walk-Ski was turned around in his chair and booted out of the room, into a smaller one which contained several large speakers. The door slammed shut, and the most terrible, fiendish song began to play…
…The American Idol Christmas Single.
"NNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Go Walk-Ski screeched, covering his ears and thrashing about on the floor.
General Hamroll put his head in his hands and muttered,
"What a terrible way to go."
**********
1969, The Ministry for Highly Technical and Secret Stuff…
"Wow!" Daniel said, "Let me guess, this toothbrush has a laser embedded in it?"
"Uh, no," said Hugh Johnson, "That's just my mother's toothbrush. Excuse me a moment."
Agent Johnson disappeared into a smaller room at the back of the one they had been ushered into.
"So, baby," Jackson leered at Samantha, "How about we go for a little ride?"
"Excuse me?" Ms Carthorse said shortly, "I don't mix business with pleasure, Mr Jackson."
"Oh, you should," he smiled, "It hasn't affected my ability to work at all."
"Quite," Samantha said, edging away from him slightly as his hand began to stray dangerously close to her butt.
"Ah, Ms Carthorse," Agent Johnson beamed, "Thank you for being so patient. We will now take you to the most highly developed time-travel vehicle that we own!"
"Wow!" Daniel said, "This is gonna be a sweet hunk of metal, baby, yeah!"
"Yes," Agent Johnson said, his smile fading again.
"Voila!" a technician smiled, pulling back a velvet curtain to reveal…
"Uh, there must be a mistake," Daniel laughed, "This is a Robin Reliant."
"That's right!" Agent Johnson smiled, "The safest, smartest vehicle on the road at the moment, except for the pure class that is the Winnebago, but we couldn't afford that. It has power steering, alloy wheels and it's fuel injected! Please, have a seat."
"Thank you, Hugh," Samantha smiled, sitting in the Robin Reliant and testing the steering wheel.
"Uh…sorry, baby, but don't you think it would be better if I drove? What with you being unable to turn left, an' all?" Jackson suggested.
Samantha sighed, and reluctantly sat in the passenger seat. Daniel jumped enthusiastically into the Robin Reliant and it made a terrible squeaking noise, then the wing mirror fell off.
"Ahem," Agent Johnson said, discreetly hiding the wing mirror under his trousers, "This button here makes you travel back in time. You press it and accelerate, and once you have gained enough speed you will travel forwards in time! Obviously, if you want to travel backwards in time you have to reverse."
"Thanks," Daniel said, "Let's go, baby, yeah!"
He pressed the button and floored the accelerator, sending the Reliant Robin shooting forwards and into a pile of inconveniently-stacked cardboard boxes.
"Sorry about that, Daniel!" Hugh Johnson shouted, moving the boxes out of the way, "Try again!"
"Sure! Let's go kick some evil butt!" he shouted enthusiastically, and floored the accelerator again. This time, the car shot forwards and disappeared into thin air.
**********
Present Day 2004, Colonel O'Nevil's Secret Lair…
"So, Teal' Cupboard, you have little choice but to obey my every command! Mawhahahahahahaha!" Colonel O'Nevil laughed hysterically.
"Actually, I can choose to not obey your every command, and this is what I will do," Teal' Cupboard replied calmly, and looked at his fingernails.
"Do you want me to get the Popsicles out again?" O'Nevil asked threateningly, "I will!"
"Frozen fruit ices are of no concern to me," Teal' Cupboard replied, deadpan.
"Dammit, the Popsicle torture usually works!" O'Nevil muttered, "Aha! You will be tortured with the Sunny Delight Shower!"
"It is also of no concern to me whether you put me in a shower and throw citrus-based liquids over my head, or not." Teal' Cupboard said.
"God dammit!" The colonel was getting angry, "What can I do to scare you, man?"
"I am obviously not going to inform you of this," Teal' Cupboard smirked.
"You are one sneaky bodyguard, mister," O'Nevil snarled, "But you won't get away with this for long - not now that I have Daniel Jackson's cocoa! Mawhahahahahahaha!"
He went over to a special shelf in the "torture room" and pulled the jar of cocoa off of it. He then proceeded to make himself a mug of it, stirring the granules around in the mug with a breadstick instead of a spoon. This, so far, was the only thing that had made Teal' Cupboard wince.
"Yes, now I drink this sweet cocoa, I will be rewarded with Daniel Jackson's amazing powers and ability to attract women from many millions of centimetres away!"
He then drank the whole mug in one go, and burned his tongue.
"Ow! Nobody told me this cocoa would be so frickin' hot!" O'Nevil complained.
"STOP RIGHT THERE!" Came a loud voice from the other end of the room.
Colonel O'Nevil turned around to be met with Daniel Jackson, International Man of Hysteria, and Agent Samantha Carthorse of the Ministry for Highly Technical and Secret Stuff.
"Well, well, well. Daniel Jackson - I have been expecting you," O'Nevil leered.
To Be Continued…
Next time: Will Daniel Jackson, International Man of Hysteria be able to retrieve his cocoa stash from Colonel O'Nevil, or will he, Samantha Carthorse and Teal' Cupboard be subjected to a death worse than death?? Join us next time to find out!!
Feedback: jm-webmistress@fsmail.net
Rating: PG-13
Author Notes: I'm spoofing a spoof. Sit back and enjoy the ride.
Spoilers: Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery
Summary: Can Daniel Jackson, International Man of Hysteria put a stop to Colonel O'Nevil's plan to travel back to 1969 and steal his cocoa? With the help of Sam Carthorse and Teal'Cupboard he must rescue his caffeine stash, or the world will be thrown into disaster…
Disclaimer: You all know that I didn't create or even think about Austin Powers, so don't even try to sue me for it. As usual, All publicly recognisable characters and places are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret productions. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended. Previously unrecognised characters and places, and this story, are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.
Enjoy this, my crazy friends!
~ Daniel Jackson, International Man of Hysteria! ~
Copyright © 2004, Ruth
**********
Present Day 2004
"And today, my friends," said Colonel O'Nevil, addressing a group of about six men, who were all seated around a long, rectangular table, "Daniel Jackson is to be released from his cryogenic suspension after 35 years."
"Want us to go after his mojo, boss?" Charlie GoWalk-Ski piped up from the farthest chair.
"His mojo?" Colonel O'Nevil smirked, "What would I want with that? I'm still a perfectly libidinous man for my age!"
GoWalk-Ski winced at the mental image presented to him, and sank back down in his chair.
"No, I want you to take something of a much higher value to Mr Jackson - his cocoa."
"His cocoa?" Major Daisies responded, stunned. "Why, your evilness, are you after his cocoa?"
"For years Daniel Jackson has been drinking these caffeine-related products and he has not aged a day - whereas I have become quite grey and wobbly. With his cocoa will come the fountain of youth - I will once again be young, and may even be able to capture the heart of Samantha Carthorse."
"Ah…" Charlie GoWalk-Ski murmured, "But hasn't she turned over to Jackson's side?"
"Patience, my meat-derivative-named friend, patience. You have much to learn about capturing a woman's heart." O'Nevil said smoothly, stroking a white rabbit that was sitting in his lap, "Mr Flufflesworth and I will travel back to 1969, Jackson's heyday, and steal his cocoa!"
"Um…" Charlie GoWalk-Ski interjected, "How do you propose to go back in time?"
"With my go-back-in-time treadmill!" O'Nevil proclaimed proudly, "It's a very simple and very evil plan of mine - it looks like an ordinary treadmill, but it is not! No, for once you get up enough speed, you are thrown through time until you reach the input destination - mawhahahahaha!"
Charlie GoWalk-Ski laughed appreciatively, as did the rest of the men around the table. They included Major Daisies, Colonel Makewar and General Hamroll. General Hamroll had once been the superior officer in their organisation, but when Colonel O'Nevil was promoted, it was decided that he should take control.
He was beginning to wonder if this had been a good idea.
The laughing ended, and Colonel O'Nevil stroked the rabbit in his lap.
"Come, Mr Flufflesworth," he ordered, standing up and going over to the go-back-in-time treadmill, rabbit in tow. "GoWalk-Ski, Daisies - you're with me. Hamroll, Makewar - your job is to make sure that nobody destroys this base before I get back! Oh, and, clean Mr Flufflesworth's cage out."
"But…" Colonel Makewar protested, "We are here to fight Daniel Jackson, your evilness. How can we fight him when we're cleaning a rabbit hutch?"
"You will have your time!" O'Nevil said, with foreboding, and got onto the treadmill, holding Mr Flufflesworth in his arms.
"GoWalk-Ski, Daisies - wait ten minutes after we are gone before you follow us. Is that clear?"
"Yes, sir!" GoWalk-Ski saluted Colonel O'Nevil. Major Daisies just adjusted his hair a bit.
"Then so long, suckers!" O'Nevil cried, and activated the treadmill.
Unfortunately, he turned it the wrong way, and he and Mr Flufflesworth shot off of the back of the treadmill and ended up in an unceremonious heap on the floor beside it.
GoWalk-Ski hurried to his aid, but O'Nevil shoved him away angrily.
"What, do I look like I need a frickin' maid?" he spat, pulling the somewhat terrified rabbit into his arms again and starting the treadmill properly. "I'll see you in 1969!"
There was a puff of bright pink smoke, and Colonel O'Nevil and Mr Flufflesworth were gone.
**********
Meanwhile, back in 1969...
"Yeah!" Daniel Jackson drawled, taking a swig from a bottle of beer in his hand, "This is some party, baby!"
His lifetime friend, bodyguard and companion, Teal' Cupboard, stood beside him, wearing bright pink cords and a zebra-print top. He also wore white fluffy boots, that looked as if they had once belonged to a husky.
"Daniel Jackson, I do believe you must moderate your consumption of alcoholic beverages," he said, deadpan, "You do know that you cannot tolerate it."
"Yeah, baby, whatever!" Jackson grinned, taking another swig and grinning stupidly at an attractive woman who walked past him.
Teal 'Cupboard sighed, took out a pair of jet-black sunglasses, and put them on.
"I have done all that I can," he muttered, and stalked off to look out of the window. He frowned as he saw an aging man, with grey hair wearing a dreadful grey suit and holding what looked like a rabbit; heading towards the entrance of the club.
"Colonel O'Nevil!" Teal 'Cupboard whispered in horror, and whipped around to try and find Jackson. He panicked when he could not see him, and reached up into his lime green bandana to pull out a small handgun.
"Daniel Jackson!" he shouted, brandishing the gun viciously to try and make his way through the crowd. He knocked past a pair of women who were dressed entirely from head to toe in leopard skin. With a shudder of disgust, he continued to make his way over to the corner of the room, and a high-pitched giggle which could only have belonged to Daniel.
He found him sitting on a purple bean bag, being sick in a bin.
"Daniel Jackson," he whispered urgently, "We must escape!"
"But I…uuurrggghh!" Jackson retched into the bin again, ignoring his bodyguard.
"Daniel Jackson!" Teal' Cupboard hissed, grabbing hold of his forearm, "Colonel O'Nevil is in the building!"
"What?" Jackson spluttered, "Why the hell didn't you tell me that from the beginning?"
Teal' Cupboard felt his blood beginning to boil, but decided to let him off on account of the fact that he was roaring drunk.
"I will do so in future," he began, "But…"
Just then, a gunshot and a scream shot through the club, and Teal' Cupboard yelled:
"EVERYBODY GET DOWN!"
"Blast!" O'Nevil cursed, dropping his rabbit, "Teal' Cupboard! I should have known!"
"What's going on, Cupboard?" Daniel slurred, falling sideways off of the beanbag and into the lap of a waiting lady.
"Aww…" O'Nevil smirked, "Still can't handle an ickow bit of alcohol, can he?"
"I believe that Daniel Jackson is fine," Teal' Cupboard said defensively, "He is just enjoying his alcoholic beverage."
"Yeah, right," O'Nevil sneered. "Prepare to die!"
He aimed the gun and Teal' Cupboard's groin and fired. Nothing happened.
"My God!" O'Nevil said, "You really do have balls of steel!"
"No, I am wearing my bullet-proof jockstrap," Teal 'Cupboard stated proudly, firing back at Colonel O'Nevil and nicking his shoulder with the bullet.
"OW! You shot me, you A-Hole!" O'Nevil groaned, falling to the floor and scrabbling around for Mr Flufflesworth.
"You must leave this place!" Teal' Cupboard said, standing over him, gun still raised.
O'Nevil suddenly barked a laugh.
"What?"
"Where DID you get that outfit? Bomb go off in an Oxfam shop, did it?" he cackled.
Mr Flufflesworth, being the inquisitive little thing that he was, had wandered into Daniel's dressing room and his little beady eyes fell on a jar that was sitting in the corner of the room, next to the kettle.
He hopped along, over a neon pink shag pile rug and through a toilet-roll tube that was, for some unknown reason discarded on the floor, and up onto the kitchen worktop. With his nose he edged the cocoa jar off of the side and onto the chair beside it. He hopped down, nosed the jar onto the floor and looked at a little button on a chain around his neck.
With his nose, he pressed the button and a plasma screen popped up in front of him, showing Charlie GoWalk-Ski and Major Daisies standing in a clothes shop.
"Agh!" Charlie jumped, seeing Mr Flufflesworth in the screen, "Oh - you found the cocoa?"
The rabbit nodded.
"Good rabbit!" Charlie coaxed, "You'll have an extra carrot when you get home, yes you will!"
The computer shut down.
Mr Flufflesworth sighed deeply, took a cigarette out of his fur, lit it, and grunted:
"Bunch of tossers."
**********
Daniel Jackson was slowly sobering up, and becoming aware of the fact that his arch nemesis was in the same room as him.
"Who the hell let him in?" he drawled, "Teal' Cupboard, I employ you to stop this kind of thing from happening!"
"Indeed," Teal' Cupboard grunted, keeping his gun trained on Colonel O'Nevil. Everyone was so busy watching the Colonel that they failed to notice a white rabbit sneaking out of the club with a jar of cocoa. Everyone, that is, apart from Daniel Jackson.
"THE RABBIT'S STEALING MY COCOA!" he yelled, and staggered to his feet.
"After it!" Teal' Cupboard shouted, and a stampede of feet was soon hurrying after the rabbit.
"Shit!" Mr Flufflesworth muttered, jumping into an elevator and pulling a cell phone from his fur. He punched in a number and waited impatiently, tapping his paw on the floor.
"Hello?"
"GoWalk-Ski!" the rabbit shouted, "Where are ya? I've got a whole club on my ass and you and Major Daisies are still trying on dresses?"
"I take offence at that!" Charlie said defensively, wondering why Daisies was staring at him, open-mouthed.
"We'll be there in a minute!" he said, putting the phone down. "And what the hell is your problem?" he snapped at Major Daisies.
"You just got a phone call from a rabbit." Daisies commented.
"Oh My God."
**********
Charlie Go-Walk-Ski and Major Daisies hurried out of the clothing shop in time to see Colonel O'Nevil and Mr Flufflesworth running out of Jackson's club, with the infamous bodyguard Teal' Cupboard on their heels.
"Into the camper van!" O'Nevil shouted, and the four of them jumped into a Winnebago.
"Let's roll!" Major Daisies shouted, and floored the accelerator to reach an impressive 10 miles per hour.
"They're getting away!" Daniel Jackson called in anguish, "With my cocoa!"
At that moment, a jet-black mini approached and an attractive blonde woman got out.
"Come with me!" she said, "We'll get your cocoa back!"
"Who are you?" Daniel asked, finding it hard not to stare at the woman whose face scarily resembled that of a horse.
"My name is Samantha Carthorse," she said.
"How did you come to have such a name?" Teal' Cupboard questioned.
"It was due to an unfortunate incident involving a cart, and…look, do you want your cocoa back or not?" Carthorse shifted about impatiently.
"Get in the mini," Jackson said, and followed his bodyguard into the back seat.
"After that Winnebago!" Teal' Cupboard shouted, and the three of them raced off in the mini, with a crowd of excited women running behind them.
"We love you Daniel Jackson!" they shouted joyfully.
"Jeez," Samantha Carthorse said, "How did you end up with a fan following like that?"
"Do you know who I am?" Daniel asked, putting on a pair of what he liked to call his 'hard-man' sunglasses.
"No, who are you?" Carthorse asked.
"I am Daniel Jackson, International Man of Hysteria!" he proclaimed loudly, and Teal' Cupboard applauded him.
"Oh My God! You're him?" Carthorse asked, "I didn't recognise you! I always imagined you to be tall, attractive…"
"Hey!" Daniel protested, "I might not be tall, but I am attractive! The three million women behind this mini prove that!"
"The Winnebago is gaining speed!" Teal' Cupboard said suddenly, wanting to break up the argument between Jackson and Carthorse.
"Oh my God!" Samantha cried, "It's travelling at nearly…15 miles an hour!"
"We'll never catch it!" Daniel wailed, "My cocoa is gone!"
"Try to remain positive," Teal' Cupboard told his master, "And Ms Carthorse - please try to maintain a constant speed."
"What are you doing?" Samantha asked, as Teal' Cupboard rolled down the window and clambered out of it. He struggled around to the front of the vehicle and told her to increase their speed.
When they pulled level with the Winnebago, Teal' Cupboard saw his chance and leapt onto it, breaking the window with his bare hand.
"Freakin' balls!" O'Nevil exclaimed, stuffing the jar of cocoa up his shirt and staggering back into what was apparently the toilet.
"Come out and fight me like a man!" Teal' Cupboard shouted, pulling out his gun and aiming it at the toilet door. "Don't make me come in there!" he threatened.
It was at that moment that Mr Flufflesworth hopped up, looked at the man's foot and bit him hard on the ankle. Teal' Cupboard looked down at the rabbit and frowned, picking it up by the scruff of its neck.
"Unhand me, you fiend!" the rabbit shouted, kicking out at Teal' Cupboard with his paws.
Cupboard was so shocked that he dropped the rabbit on the floor and took a step backwards. He swayed about as the Winnebago reached a dangerously fast speed of 20 miles per hour.
"I see you've met my partner in crime," O'Nevil laughed, "That was Mr Flufflesworth, the most fiendish rabbit in the whole of the United States!"
Teal' Cupboard was beginning to get seriously freaked out. He shrieked when a man in a dress approached him, holding a handgun.
"This is my cross-dressing accomplice, Major Daisies, and his fellow crony Charles Go Walk-Ski. Take him down, boys!"
Teal' Cupboard tried to make a break for it but he tripped over a saucepan and landed on the floor. Major Daisies and Charlie Go Walk-Ski promptly bundled on top of him and rendered him captured.
"You're going nowhere!" Colonel O'Nevil smirked, stepping out of the toilet and pulling out the jar from under his shirt. "Now that I have Daniel Jackson's cocoa, I am UNSTOPPABLE!"
"Nnnnnnnnnoooooooo!" Teal' Cupboard shouted, as Colonel O'Nevil proceeded to the kettle to make himself a cup of cocoa. He tried to dive into the Colonel's way, but Major Daisies had a fat ass and was going nowhere.
"You will watch your friends suffer and die at the brunt of my evilness!" O'Nevil chuckled, filling up his mug with boiling water. He stole a look out of the back of the Winnebago and his jaw dropped.
"Is that…the beautiful Samantha Carthorse?" he asked, turning around to face Teal' Cupboard.
"I do not know," Teal' Cupboard replied, "And I would not tell you if I did."
"You will soon give in, under the duress of torture!" O'Nevil cackled, "Go Walk-Ski, get the Popsicles!"
"Yes, your evilness!" Go Walk-Ski bowed, and dug around in a small fridge to reveal a bag of Popsicles.
"Yes," O'Nevil sneered out of the window, "The lady Carthorse will soon be mine! Mawhahahahahahaha!"
**********
"It looks like your bodyguard has been captured!" Samantha Carthorse exclaimed, turning around to face Daniel Jackson.
"Oh, God!" he said dramatically, "I'd hoped that it wouldn't come to this!"
"What are you going to do?" Carthorse asked, struggling to keep her mini travelling at 20 miles per hour.
"Well, I will…let's see…OH GOD!" Daniel cried, and started clawing at his face, "This is the part where Teal' Cupboard tells me what to do! I DON'T KNOW!!"
Ms Carthorse sighed, put the mini in auto-driver and turned around, giving Jackson a slap across the face.
"Pull yourself together! You're Daniel Jackson, international man of Hysteria! You'll think of something!"
"Thank you," he said, "I was getting desperate. I needed that slap. Now, to formulate a plan…"
"Look!" Samantha explained, "The Winnebago - it just disappeared!"
"WHAT?" Jackson shouted, un-doing his seatbelt and leaning forwards, "That dastardly Colonel must have taken a left at the last junction!"
Carthorse sighed. "I never saw that one coming. Now we have to wait until the next roundabout."
"Damn!"
**********
"HA!" Colonel O'Nevil shouted, "I knew that would throw them! Due to her accident involving a cart travelling at a high speed, Samantha Carthorse has an inability to turn left! Now she will never catch us!"
"But now you'll never get to make her your wife, your evilness," Major Daisies added.
"What?" O'Nevil asked. "Oh, damn!"
**********
"You know, the place we need to go is the Ministry for Highly Technical and Secret Stuff," Samantha said, "They'll be able to help us. I just became a junior agent with them, as well as juggling a high-maintenance career at Burger King."
"Really?" Daniel asked, pretending to be impressed, "And just whereabouts is this Ministry for Highly Technical and Secret Stuff?"
"All I have to do is take a left here…oh, damn!"
"What?" Jackson asked. The premise of taking a left turn seemed perfectly simple to him.
"Since my unfortunate accident with a cart travelling at a high speed, I have been unable to make a left turn," Carthorse explained, "But luckily, the Ministry for Highly Technical and Secret Stuff created his device for me."
She pulled a small silver box out of an ashtray and attached it to the steering wheel.
"What does it do?" Jackson asked, leaning forwards to look at the box.
"Duh!" Carthorse laughed, "It turns the car left for me!"
"Well, why can't I just do it?" Jackson asked irritably, "Seeing as you can't steer yourself to do it!"
"Ha! Great joke, Mr Jackson - I have often heard about your renowned sense of humour!"
"Must be the wrong International Man of Hysteria, then."
**********
Back in the Winnebago, Colonel O'Nevil was preparing to make the time-jump back to 2004.
"Now that I have the cocoa, I am unstoppable!" he laughed, and got onto the treadmill, Mr Flufflesworth in his arms.
"Good luck, your evilness!" Major Daisies said.
"Luck? Luck? I do not need luck, I am perfection itself!" O'Nevil boasted, and started the treadmill. "See you in the future, suckers!"
And with that, he disappeared.
**********
1969, The Ministry for Highly Technical and Secret Stuff…
"Ah, Samantha Carthorse," a beaming man welcomed the two of them, "And you are?"
"Daniel Jackson, International Man of Hysteria," he said proudly, extending his hand.
"Oh!" the man laughed, "Sorry, I didn't recognise you. I was expecting you to be tall and attractive!"
"I may not be tall, but I AM attractive!" Jackson said through gritted teeth.
"Yes," the man said sarcastically, turning back to Samantha, "What can the Ministry do for you today?"
"Well, Agent Johnson, it seems that Colonel O'Nevil has taken Daniel Jackson's cocoa."
"Good heavens!" Agent Johnson replied, "And we are receiving reports that he has just travelled back to 2004 with the cocoa!"
"Um…excuse me?" Daniel probed, "Mr…uh…"
"Johnson," the man beamed, "Hugh Johnson."
Daniel swallowed a snort of laughter but choked it out again, which made him sound like he had swallowed a frog.
"Uh…yes…you said that Colonel O'Nevil had travelled back to 2004 - don't you mean that he travelled forwards?"
Johnson's smile began to droop at the corners.
"Of course," he said, "But we at the Ministry have developed some new gadgets for you to use in your quest! Please follow me."
"Huge Johnson," Daniel sniggered to himself, "What am I getting myself into?"
**********
Present Day 2004, Colonel O'Nevil's secret lair…
"Welcome, my friends, back to my secret lair. Now that I have Daniel Jackson's cocoa, I am UNSTOPPABLE!"
"You already said that," General Hamroll pouted.
"Who put the bug in your ass?" Colonel O'Nevil questioned, "I don't have time for you to be on your frickin' period, General."
"Why didn't you let me go with Major Daisies and Go Walk-Ski?" Hamroll frowned.
"Because you're what's known as a quote unquote old fart" O'Nevil replied in an irritating voice, "Colonel Makewar didn't go either, and he's not throwing his toys out of the cot!"
"Colonel," Major Daisies interrupted, "What do you plan to do now?"
"Well, Jackson will have undoubtedly made his way to the Ministry for Highly Technical and Secret Stuff, so we have to wait until they undoubtedly travel forwards in time, and end up in my lair. Then, they will undoubtedly come looking for me, and we will undoubtedly drop them in a giant vat of Baked Beans with giant cod swimming around, with chainsaws! Mawhahahaha!"
"Uh…" Charlie Go Walk-Ski held up his hand, "About the cod, sir - we can't get the chainsaws."
"WHAT?" O'Nevil shouted, "No cod??"
"No, sir," Go Walk-Ski stammered.
"ALL I ASK FOR IS FRICKIN' COD WITH FRICKIN' CHAINSAWS ON THEM!" O'Nevil shouted, "AND YOU CAN'T EVEN DO THAT?"
"We do have something else," Go Walk-Ski offered.
"What?" O'Nevil asked flatly.
"Carcinogenic Minnows."
"Bless you, now what?" O'Nevil asked, "I don't understand all this frickin' scientific mumbo-jumbo!"
"Carcinogenic minnows? Well, once they are ingested they will burn a hole in whatever has eaten them from the inside out."
"Sweet," O'Nevil said, rubbing his hands together, "How many of them do we have?"
"Uh…" perspiration began to run down the side of Go Walk-Ski's face, "Well, we ordered them off of eBay yesterday but they haven't arrived yet."
"WHAT? FIRST I DON'T GET MY FRICKIN' COD WITH FRICKIN' CHAINSAWS, AND NOW YOU'RE ORDERING STUFF OFF OF FRICKIN' EBAY WITHOUT TELLING ME? AAARRRRGGGHHHH!"
"I'm sorry, Colonel, they will arrive as soon as possible," Go Walk-Ski stammered.
"Now you will suffer a terrible fate!" O'Nevil raged. "When I get angry, Mr Flufflesworth gets upset, and when Mr Flufflesworth gets upset, people DIE!"
With that, Go Walk-Ski was turned around in his chair and booted out of the room, into a smaller one which contained several large speakers. The door slammed shut, and the most terrible, fiendish song began to play…
…The American Idol Christmas Single.
"NNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Go Walk-Ski screeched, covering his ears and thrashing about on the floor.
General Hamroll put his head in his hands and muttered,
"What a terrible way to go."
**********
1969, The Ministry for Highly Technical and Secret Stuff…
"Wow!" Daniel said, "Let me guess, this toothbrush has a laser embedded in it?"
"Uh, no," said Hugh Johnson, "That's just my mother's toothbrush. Excuse me a moment."
Agent Johnson disappeared into a smaller room at the back of the one they had been ushered into.
"So, baby," Jackson leered at Samantha, "How about we go for a little ride?"
"Excuse me?" Ms Carthorse said shortly, "I don't mix business with pleasure, Mr Jackson."
"Oh, you should," he smiled, "It hasn't affected my ability to work at all."
"Quite," Samantha said, edging away from him slightly as his hand began to stray dangerously close to her butt.
"Ah, Ms Carthorse," Agent Johnson beamed, "Thank you for being so patient. We will now take you to the most highly developed time-travel vehicle that we own!"
"Wow!" Daniel said, "This is gonna be a sweet hunk of metal, baby, yeah!"
"Yes," Agent Johnson said, his smile fading again.
"Voila!" a technician smiled, pulling back a velvet curtain to reveal…
"Uh, there must be a mistake," Daniel laughed, "This is a Robin Reliant."
"That's right!" Agent Johnson smiled, "The safest, smartest vehicle on the road at the moment, except for the pure class that is the Winnebago, but we couldn't afford that. It has power steering, alloy wheels and it's fuel injected! Please, have a seat."
"Thank you, Hugh," Samantha smiled, sitting in the Robin Reliant and testing the steering wheel.
"Uh…sorry, baby, but don't you think it would be better if I drove? What with you being unable to turn left, an' all?" Jackson suggested.
Samantha sighed, and reluctantly sat in the passenger seat. Daniel jumped enthusiastically into the Robin Reliant and it made a terrible squeaking noise, then the wing mirror fell off.
"Ahem," Agent Johnson said, discreetly hiding the wing mirror under his trousers, "This button here makes you travel back in time. You press it and accelerate, and once you have gained enough speed you will travel forwards in time! Obviously, if you want to travel backwards in time you have to reverse."
"Thanks," Daniel said, "Let's go, baby, yeah!"
He pressed the button and floored the accelerator, sending the Reliant Robin shooting forwards and into a pile of inconveniently-stacked cardboard boxes.
"Sorry about that, Daniel!" Hugh Johnson shouted, moving the boxes out of the way, "Try again!"
"Sure! Let's go kick some evil butt!" he shouted enthusiastically, and floored the accelerator again. This time, the car shot forwards and disappeared into thin air.
**********
Present Day 2004, Colonel O'Nevil's Secret Lair…
"So, Teal' Cupboard, you have little choice but to obey my every command! Mawhahahahahahaha!" Colonel O'Nevil laughed hysterically.
"Actually, I can choose to not obey your every command, and this is what I will do," Teal' Cupboard replied calmly, and looked at his fingernails.
"Do you want me to get the Popsicles out again?" O'Nevil asked threateningly, "I will!"
"Frozen fruit ices are of no concern to me," Teal' Cupboard replied, deadpan.
"Dammit, the Popsicle torture usually works!" O'Nevil muttered, "Aha! You will be tortured with the Sunny Delight Shower!"
"It is also of no concern to me whether you put me in a shower and throw citrus-based liquids over my head, or not." Teal' Cupboard said.
"God dammit!" The colonel was getting angry, "What can I do to scare you, man?"
"I am obviously not going to inform you of this," Teal' Cupboard smirked.
"You are one sneaky bodyguard, mister," O'Nevil snarled, "But you won't get away with this for long - not now that I have Daniel Jackson's cocoa! Mawhahahahahahaha!"
He went over to a special shelf in the "torture room" and pulled the jar of cocoa off of it. He then proceeded to make himself a mug of it, stirring the granules around in the mug with a breadstick instead of a spoon. This, so far, was the only thing that had made Teal' Cupboard wince.
"Yes, now I drink this sweet cocoa, I will be rewarded with Daniel Jackson's amazing powers and ability to attract women from many millions of centimetres away!"
He then drank the whole mug in one go, and burned his tongue.
"Ow! Nobody told me this cocoa would be so frickin' hot!" O'Nevil complained.
"STOP RIGHT THERE!" Came a loud voice from the other end of the room.
Colonel O'Nevil turned around to be met with Daniel Jackson, International Man of Hysteria, and Agent Samantha Carthorse of the Ministry for Highly Technical and Secret Stuff.
"Well, well, well. Daniel Jackson - I have been expecting you," O'Nevil leered.
To Be Continued…
Next time: Will Daniel Jackson, International Man of Hysteria be able to retrieve his cocoa stash from Colonel O'Nevil, or will he, Samantha Carthorse and Teal' Cupboard be subjected to a death worse than death?? Join us next time to find out!!