To Make Amends
Disclaimer: Animorphs belongs to Scholastic. Not me, and I make no money from this.
Again, I see the little human girl.
Her eyes are as large as a human's could possibly become, her little fist in her mouth.
I was running to her, but she was too far away! Always, always, too far!
This time, though, I would make it. I knew that I would! I can! I will!
NOOOO! I scream in thought speak, as a dracon beams hits her, and she screams, and she screams, then dissolves into molecules.
I woke up.
I was still in my scoop. There are no deep black eyes to haunt me, and there is no girl-child in front of me, begging me to save her from the yeerks.
I was covered in sweat from the dream. Rubbing my hands over my head, I stripped off the cold sweat, and tried to calm my racing hearts. It was that dream again.
A few months ago, we had come across a little girl that had once been a controller.
She had begged that someone make the bad guys go away. I had promised that we would. Only, somehow, Visser Three had found out about her, and made a search. He found her.
Tobias and I had taken her further into the woods to play. We never figured out how they found us.
In my mind's eye, I can still see her fear, that she is scared out of her mind. Her eyes are dilated, and sweat pours down her face.
I can see her-
NO!
I shake my head, hoping that the cool night air will clear my mind.
It doesn't work, so I go to a stream to get a drink. Dipping my hoof into the water, I gulp, hoping that the clarity of the water will have the same effect on me.
These dreams have been haunting me, ever since she died. This had been the tenth night in a row that I had been unable to sleep. I decided to go for a run.
I picked a direction at random, not knowing where I was headed.
The wind felt good, whistling around my eyestalks, and it seemed to make the panic that I had been feeling go away.
Running, running, running, I never thought that I would stop…
Until I stumbled out into a clearing, and saw the freshly turned earth, saw the marble markers that were in neat rows. It didn't matter that the little girl wasn't really there. It didn't matter that she was scattered to the winds, her molecules being breathed in by thousands of uncaring-
I gasped for breath, but the idea that I was possibly breathing in parts of the little girl, made me sick.
No, not little girl, I corrected myself. Her name is Rune.
It was Rune.
I wished I were in human morph, so I could whimper.
Ax?
Turning my eyestalks, I searched the dark for whoever had said my name.
Ax?
Oh, dear, ancestors.
On the edge of the graveyard, I saw a form moving. It was Rune, her dark hair, eyes, and pale skin over her blue nightdress unmistakable.
I stood there, looking at her for several seconds, then broke, and ran in terror.
I awoke the next morning with a jolt.
It had all been a dream!
I shuddered with relief.
There was a meeting in Cassie's barn that night. Apparently, more Controllers than we had known about had escaped along with Rune.
I was feeling nervous, because for this I had to be in human morph, and I always miss my tail.
"So, you think that if we can find these people, we might be able to start some kind of yeerk underground?" asked Rachel, incredulously.
"It might work," said Jake, sounding dubious.
"There are a lot of possibilities with that," answered Marco, "but there are as many problems, if not more. Look at it, all it would take would be one spy, and it would be over for us. If any of the underground were caught, and turned back into controllers, then what, huh?"
"It was an idea…" mumbled Cassie, looking dejected.
I was about to state my opinion, when I movement caught my eye.
Behind Cassie, was Rune.
Her eyes were pleading with me, the same way that they had…
I must have looked odd to my friends, because concern was writ plainly on their faces.
Are you okay, Ax? asked Tobias.
"Can't you see her?" I asked in a whisper.
See who?
Now, Marco was glancing about, but he would look right through her, but she was there! I could see her.
"There, behind you, Cassie." I motioned behind her.
Turning, Cassie scanned behind her.
Shrugging, she looked at me strangely. "There is nothing there."
"But she is…" I trailed off, when I realized that there was nothing there. I was certain that I had seen something. I knew that I had seen Rune.
"Never mind," I covered hastily. From the looks I was getting, they thought that something was wrong with me. Could I blame them?
I beat a quick retreat, and returned to the woods. I left them to the discussion of what to do about the underground, but I had other things on my mind.
I had only seen her once. Twice, if you counted the dream from last night… Had it been a dream? Had I really been awake, and her spirit had spoken to me?
No. That was impossible. There is nothing beyond this life. All there is, is the dance of atoms, and energy.
Yet even as I thought about it, I thought about the way people think. It might sound strange, thinking about how you think, but the sheer vividness about how all sentient creatures think, the sheer way in which they try to make some sort of poetry out of the simple images of life… Didn't that, on some basic way, argue for the existence of a soul? And, going even farther, didn't that mean he could be haunted by something that wanted revenge on him?
I shivered. It was night again, and the moon was dark.
It was getting worse.
I was with Tobias and the rest of the Animorphs later that week, and I thought that I was safe.
We were getting the delicious cinnamon buns, when I saw Rune again.
Tobias was getting the buns, and we were talking using mouth sounds about the next movie that my friends wanted to see.
Marco was insulting it, I think, by calling it a chick flick.
"I d-dooo not know what you are talking about, Marco. How could some woman being in a mental institution be considered a chick flick?" I asked.
Tobias had returned with the buns, and I was reaching for one, when I saw Rune again.
Up until then, I couldn't see her if there were other people around. The shock of seeing her, in her little blue nightgown, with no one seeing her, made me realize that the psychosis was getting worse.
I knew that she couldn't be there, but that didn't stop me from wanting to run.
"Excuse me, Tobias, I am not hungry right now," I said, and pushed the bun away.
Everyone stared at me, like they thought I was a Controller.
Rachel put her hand on my head.
"He doesn't have a fever."
I looked over at Rune. She was standing still, but she was closer than before.
I had to leave, now.
"Um, um, excuse me!" I shouted, and stood, knocking over the chair I was sitting in. My artificial hooves squeaked as I rushed away.
"Ax. Ax, wait! Where are you going!" someone shouted behind me. I didn't look back to see who it was.
I careened through the mall, trying to keep from colliding with humans as I did so, but not being very successful. Wishing I still had by stalk eyes, I looked back, only to see that she was still there, and she was gaining.
A strange, separate part of my mind wondered how she could keep up with me without moving her legs, like that was the most important thing I had to worry about.
Fear was engulfing me. I was drenched in sweat, but not from my exertions. All I could think about was getting away. Getting away!
I was out of the mall, but I wasn't paying any attention to where I was going. A thought crossed into the running paranoia of my mind. Maybe I could hide! So, I ducked into a nearby building.
Dashing behind the door and shutting it behind me, I didn't realize until them where I was. Looking at the colorful windows, the shiny crosses, and the tiny fires, I had no idea where I could be.
"Is there something wrong?" said a kindly voice from behind me.
Turning, I saw an old man in a black shirt.
"I, well, yes," I told him, wondering if I should be saying anything.
"May I help you, then?"
"I-" I recognized the place I was at, then. It was a human place of worship.
It was a long shot, but-
"Do you know anything about ghosts?" I blurted.
The elderly man's eyebrows went up.
"Some. What is it that you want to know?" he asked delicately.
I took a deep breath. A least he wasn't looking at me like I was crazy. I started by describing what I had seen. I didn't go into anything that might be considered sensitive, by even Marco. I think the priest thought that I had lost a younger cousin or sister.
"I keep seeing her, and I think that she is mad at me," I finished, hoping that this didn't sound as foolish as I thought it did.
Giving me a rather amused look, the priest said, "What makes you think that she is mad at you?"
"Because there was nothing I could do to help her when-" I stopped myself before I said what had actually happened.
"If there was nothing you could do, then why are you blaming yourself?"
I said nothing. How could I explain?
"And as for seeing her, have you tried to talk to her?"
I opened my mouth, then shut it.
"I haven't," I answered painfully. "I always ran."
"Well, there you go, now."
I left the church with a feeling of bemusement.
I had gone to the church's bathroom to morph and remorph, so I had plenty of time. The thoughts running through my head were bemused.
Was what the old human said true? Should I try and talk to her?
What would be the point, a voice in my head argued. She isn't real. What would be gained by speaking to an illusion created by my own mind?
"Closure," I spoke aloud, my mind made.
After returning to my scoop, and reassuring Tobias that I would not do something like that again, I decided to retrace my path to the cemetery that I had first seen her in.
I started out when the sun was setting, giving the sky the color of flames. I became lost several times trying to find my way back, so it was full dark when I got there.
I could see the rows and rows of marble markers that represented the deceased. This was a very old one, I thought, because it looked like there had been no one to tend it in some time.
I stood in one of the outside corners, feeling edgy. The moon was rising, giving the headstones an eerie glow. I was scanning the area, hoping that this wouldn't be a wasted effort, when I felt a wisp of something cold.
My eyestalks whipped around, trying to find what could have caused that atavistic chill, when my main eyes landed on Rune.
She was sitting on one of the larger memorials, in her light blue nightgown, her dark hair absorbing the moonlight, and her pale face translucent. Her mysterious, dark eyes regarded me seriously, as I thought of something to say.
I'm sorry.
Her voice echoed like from the other side of a deep hallway.
"For what? Running?" she said with a smile, her cheeks dimpling.
No, or yes. I was afraid that you would hate me for not saving you, that was why you kept following me.
"Oh, no," she said vehemently, shaking her head. "I came back because I needed to tell you something. Only, you wouldn't listen."
What? I asked, fearing what I would hear.
"Why, thank you, of course," she laughed, her voice carrying on the wind that came from nowhere, casing my eyes to sting.
I was forced to close them, and when I could open them again, she was gone.
Rubbing my face, my hands came away damp.
Tears? I said to myself. No, that's-
Hearing childish laughter on the breeze that blew gently, now, I smiled.
No, nothing is impossible.
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