Well, hello there! Thanks for reading my first fic on here ... I couldn´t help it, the only real fight Klaine ever had has gotten into me, so I wrote about it and what poor Kurt must have felt. Enjoy!
P.S.: I don´t own Glee. If I did, I would star in it.
Kurt Hummel was in love with Blaine Anderson for quite a long time now, considering he already felt kind of tipsy the day they'd met. It was nothing at first, just the wonderful feeling of finding someone who understood, who cared about his struggles and who helped him where everybody else looked away.
Of course, from the moment Blaine had admitted so casually that he was gay, too, Kurt had fantasized. He'd always dreamed of love, and after those times with Finn and Sam, where he made all those unrewarded efforts and had people going down on him for everything he said and did, it was like a lighthouse on the horizon to meet another boy, whose sexual orientation was clear from the beginning and not a big step to pass for a future relationship.
Yes, he always had it in the back of his mind that Blaine was like him.
The way they had bonded made him feel happy, and he noticed after a while that it wasn't the kind of happy he felt hanging out with Mercedes or his other friends.
When they sung "Baby it's cold outside" together, it was obvious to Kurt. He had indeed developed a crush on Blaine, his gay best friend. And the direction they were going was good, very good.
It seemed so sure for him that they would be official in no time.
Then Valentine's Day came along with the whole Jeremiah debacle and he realized that it wasn't as easy as he thought before.
After the incident, when they stood in line and got coffee, Blaine's spirits crushed, Kurt had gathered all the courage he got and asked him straight out, what he was supposed to think.
Yes, he had hoped that Blaine would take the chance to discover his feelings towards himself.
But somehow he didn't feel extremely sad about his answer anyways.
At least, he cared about him quite a lot. That was a good thing. Maybe they just needed to take things more slowly.
Kurt tried not to pine too much about the throwback and appreciate more what they already had.
He recovered, although it left a mark on his heart, a tiny scar, barely visible.
If Kurt had known before what was going to happen, he never would have blackmailed Finn into getting them to Rachel's party. It was extremely funny seeing Blaine all loosened up, but he also felt the stitches when he didn't seem to care at all about his impression on his unfortunately-not-boyfriend.
Kurt tried to brush it away. Stay happy, no matter what. Don't let him see how it hurts.
The situation worsened from bearable to excruciating pain when Rachel kissed Blaine during spin-the-bottle.
Blaine is drunk, he said to himself over and over again, when his friend didn't seem too unhappy having to kiss a girl. He tried to keep up the smiley face, tried to root the loudest to not make it obvious how damn jealous he was. It didn't help that their kiss was way longer and more passionate than it needed to be, and it certainly didn't help that he himself got to kiss Lauren later on.
As he watched Blaine and Rachel perform on stage, he dropped his mask of amusement. Where was the point of that anyways?
Blaine is drunk, he whispered again. He wished he could look away, but his eyes were pinned on the stage no matter how close and flirty Blaine got to Rachel. Didn't look gay at all.
I was hoping you would be all over me, drunk like that, he thought bitterly.
Yet he swallowed his feelings and excused Blaine to his own subconscious – he didn't even remember the events afterwards.
Just when Kurt felt save about them together again, Rachel asked Blaine out and he said yes.
With a wide smile in his face. Standing right next to Kurt.
"You can't be serious", he gasped, as all his nightmares, the terrible scenarios from the night before, all rushed back in his head again.
"When we kissed … it felt good", Blaine explained, searching for the words.
That was it. Kurt was desperate again.
"It felt good because you were drunk!", he replied, wanted to scream it out like he had done in his head so many times. He offered him an opportunity here.
If Blaine just went with it and agreed, Kurt would just forget everything about that party. Literally. No damage done. Blaine decided differently.
"What's the harm in going out on one crummy little date?", he asked in return, like Kurt had only caught him putting extra sugar in his coffee.
There's no harm for you, obviously. Ever thought of some guy who'd like to date you much more?
How could he even think about a date with a girl? Bad enough he was kissing and flirting with Rachel drunk – but he was sober now. Blaine had always been proud of his sexuality … he definitely had had no problem with serenading Jeremiah in public.
"You're gay, Blaine!"
Kurt really hoped he would come to his senses.
Blaine stumbled an explanation about how he couldn't exactly be sure of that, without even having had a boyfriend before, and he seemed somewhat confused about it, sure.
"I can't believe I'm hearing this right now", Kurt said slowly, trying to stay calm. He felt the anger boil up in his soul, burning hot in his stomach competing with the coldness of fear … the fear, that he might be loosing Blaine.
"Maybe I'm bi. I don't know." The way he said that. So … accepting. Almost happy.
That made Kurt explode. Not the loud way, since they were in the middle of a coffee shop, but the angry way. "Bisexual's a term that gay guys in high school use when they want to hold hands with girls and feel like a normal person for a change!"
It was probably too much. It was too much. But only the thought that Blaine would decide to run after both boys and girls from now on was too heavy to bear. That, and he honestly had seen Blaine as an example for himself how to be confident and strong whilst being gay.
"Whoa, wait, wait. Why are you so angry?", Blaine asked softly.
Don't even try to be understanding here, Blaine Warbler.
"Because I look up to you!", Kurt replied, staring at him. "I admire how proud you are of who you are. I know what it's like to be in the closet, and here you are about to tiptoe back in!"
He didn't want Blaine to be anything but gay. It wasn't a very nice way of telling him. Actually, "nice" would have been the last adjective to describe the speech he was giving Blaine.
But Kurt couldn't help it. The words just came out of his mouth and he hated them, as he
hated everything that Blaine said in return.
His sexuality of course wasn't the only thing about Blaine that made him fall in love with him – but it was a big part of it. If it hadn't been for them both to be gay, there would've been no reason to become that close in the first place.
Kurt felt betrayed.
"I'm really sorry if this hurts your feelings …", Blaine's voice was slightly trembling as he tried to control the emotions he seemed to have about the matter. The confusion he was talking about was obvious. And yet, Kurt wished there was no confusion about it at all. That Blaine would be in love with him as well and not questioning because he drunk kissed some girl.
"… You're a 100% sure who you are. Fantastic. Well … Maybe we all can't be so lucky."
He wanted to strangle Blaine. That time, when he was chasing after Jeremiah, had been bad enough. The first time that Kurt realized that their relationship wasn't as clear and easy as he thought and so he accepted it. After all, they grew closer over the whole matter.
Now … he felt like he was loosing Blaine for good.
His answer was harsh, so was Blaine's before his departure.
Look at us, Kurt thought with disgust, fighting like two gamecocks. And I thought we could be together someday.
It hurt.
Why couldn't see Blaine what he was doing to him? What the real reason for him was, to be mad at him? But no, he had to tell him that he was no better than Karofsky, that he was wrong and unfair, that Blaine was the victim.
He had no clue.
"I'd say "bye", but I wouldn't want to make you angry."
Kurt wanted to yell after him, something like: "Sorry that I don't want to give up on you!"
The lump in his throat was too big, though. He felt like screaming and destroying things just as well as tearing up, hiding in some corner and crying his eyes out.
This was so stupid. He didn't want to fight with Blaine. He also didn't want him to just drift away, in the world of normal people who dated the opposite sex and were uncomfortable with same sex crushes, with being more than friends to Kurt.
An old couple from the next table kept staring at him, even though they had argued as quietly as possible. Not that the people would overhear Blaine's stupid confusion.
So Kurt waited just long enough for Blaine to drive out of the parking lot, before he got up and slowly left the place, fighting the urge to run and cry on the way to his own car.
He sat down and couldn't hold it anymore.
"Why are you doing this to me?" he asked muffled, while the tears started pacing down his cheeks.
Oh, he loved Blaine Anderson. That was why it hurt so much.
For minutes he kept crying while sorting all the things and emotions that had happened in his head. It was a lot more confusing for him, too, than Blaine could possibly know.
He was angry, he was sad, he was furious, he was desperate, he was hurt and he was searching for a way to make things work again.
Finally, he sat up, wiping the tears off his face, as he turned the key.
"I didn't give up the last time. I won't give up now", he whispered.
Yes, there was a crack in his heart. Yes, he hurt. But it would get better soon, he was sure.