Spoiler alert: This is a post-season-3-finale fic so if you haven't seen it and don't want to be spoiled, don't read on.
I found this half-written on my computer in between studying for my upcoming exams and I thought that it would be perfect as a post-finale fic so I tweaked it and added some and voila! Let me know what you think. :)
If it's Love
Jane lay on his bed in his cell. It was uncomfortable, but he really didn't care. He couldn't sleep. He hadn't been able to sleep before he'd killed Red John so it shouldn't have been surprising when he couldn't sleep afterwards, but it was. He'd believed that killing Red John would have brought him some inner peace and to an extent it did. He was no longer plagued by what Red John could do to those he cared about; these nightmares were replaced by others. Dreams about a life he could have had if he hadn't killed Red John, if he had just listened to her… He also still had the nightmares about his family, they hadn't gone away. It looks like she'd been right after all.
Xxxx
Jane lay on his couch on the bullpen, pretending to sleep but not daring to give into unconsciousness. He could hear everyone leaving, it must be getting late. He should get up and leave as well but he couldn't bring himself to. He was still dwelling on his conversation with Lisbon earlier that day. He'd told her about his plans for Red John, he'd had no idea that doing so would lead to this friction. He thought it had gone without saying but apparently not. Well at least he'd cleared the air with her; at least they were on the same page now.
He heard her unmistakable footsteps approaching the couch, loud and heavy. She was still angry. She really shouldn't be; what had she expected? Well if he was right, and he usually was, she was going to tell him.
"Why do you want to kill Red John?" Lisbon said, barely hiding the anger in her voice.
"He killed my wife and child." Jane said, annoyed that she felt the need to sway him from his goal. It was none of her business. He'd just told her about his plans so she would be prepared when the time came; it was her case after all. He was now wishing he hadn't said anything.
"What exactly are you hoping to find once you kill Red John? Are you hoping to find some inner peace? Are you hoping to be able to sleep at night without nightmares of your family plaguing you? Well let me tell you something Jane, you're not going to find what you're looking for by killing him." Lisbon seethed.
"Is that so?" Jane growled.
"It is. You know why?" Lisbon said, inching closer to emphasize her point.
"No, please enlighten me." Jane said maliciously.
"Because you're not looking for revenge." Lisbon stated with a poke to his chest to further her point.
"I'm not?" Jane said sarcastically with an undertone of scepticism.
"No, you're not. You're looking for redemption and you're not going to find it by brutally murdering a man." Lisbon said, some of the fight leaving her eyes. At this Jane went quiet. Instead of brushing her off like he normally would, he felt her words go straight through his barriers. They were true. Jane was prepared for mistaken assumptions, but when faced with something that rang true, he wasn't sure what to do. He couldn't act like these words didn't affect him because they affected him more than anything else she could have said right then. There was a moment of silence and then…
"And what would you suggest I do about it?" Jane whispered meekly. If they weren't in such close proximity, she never would have heard him. But they were and she did. She heard the vulnerability that he never let show; she heard the insecurity he kept buried inside.
"Move on. Stop this crazy quest and move on like a sane person." Lisbon said.
"I can't. Don't you see that? I can't just let him get away with what he did to them!" Jane said, it was him who was losing his cool now. He tried to get his conflicting emotions under control but failed miserably.
"You're not. You're working with us to catch him and send him to jail. He'll pay for what he's done." Lisbon said.
"No he won't. You're crazy if you think that you can keep a man like Red John in custody for twenty-four hours let alone twenty-five to life. He'll escape." Jane said, his eyes glazing over.
"No he won't." Lisbon said.
"He will, which is why I can't let him live long enough for him to get a chance. This conversation is over." Jane said, folding himself back into the couch and feigning sleep. He shut Lisbon out with the shutting of his eyes.
Xxxx
"Mr. Jane. You have a visitor." The prison guard boomed. This woke Jane from his daze because, no, he had not been sleeping. Jane was surprised at the announcement of a visitor; he hadn't had a visitor since he went to jail. He honestly hadn't expected any.
"So how does this work? Getting a visitor? I had one once in another prison but this one seems to have different protocol." Jane mused.
"Shut up and walk this way." The guard said briskly.
Jane was escorted into a well-guarded blocked off quadrant of the jail that he'd never been to before. His eyes bounced off every surface, memorizing it for his escape plans. He wasn't actually trying to escape but thinking of extravagant plans to beat the system gave him a challenge and something to do in this miserable place they called jail. So far he had twelve escape plans, although half of them required outside help and the other half required divine intervention. Ah well, he never said they were perfect. He was still working on that.
As his gaze shifted from wall to wall, it landed on the person responsible for this field trip, his visitor.
"I didn't think you were going to come visit me. Ever." Jane said as a greeting.
"Well, I had to come. I needed to know why. The jury might not, the judge might not, but I do. So why'd you do it Jane?" She asked, her gaze unwavering, her voice resolute and undeniably Lisbon.
"You know why I did it." Jane said.
"No Jane, I don't. I have no idea why you would pervert your love for your family into an excuse for murder." Lisbon said, her voice rising.
"I love my family!" Jane defended.
"I never said you didn't." Lisbon replied, back to her signature cool and calm.
"Yes, that's exactly what you were saying and you're wrong. You don't think I'm capable of loving anyone do you?" Jane accused.
"I've seem you over the years Jane, why is it that you've never shown romantic interest in anyone? And let's not kid ourselves into thinking that you felt anything more than intrigue towards Ms. Frye." Lisbon said.
"I would never betray my wife like that." Jane said, his eyes flaring.
"Then why don't you visit her grave? "Till death do us part" I believe is the vow. You took that seriously enough. You never visit her, why should you cling to your other vows when they've been rendered null and void?" Lisbon countered. She knew it was harsh, but he needed to hear it. Everyone walked around eggshells for him; it was high time someone stomped on them to get through to him.
"You're right. It's not because of my wife." Jane admitted, unable to come up with any other invalid arguments.
"Exactly. You simply cannot love. So why did you do it?" Lisbon said.
"I never said that." Jane said.
"But it's true." Lisbon said.
"No it's not." Jane said, anger rising once more. If this woman got his blood pressure up anymore he would surely have a heart attack.
"No?" Lisbon asked sceptically.
"No. I can love, and I do love." Jane said.
"Oh do tell." Lisbon said, sarcasm absolutely dripping from her words.
"You. I love you." Jane said quietly.
"No you don't Jane." Lisbon said, exasperatedly.
"Don't tell me how I feel. I loved my wife and I know that I love you just as I know it's the ground I walk on, the air I breathe." Jane said, frustrated.
"I don't know what you're feeling, but it isn't love." Lisbon said.
"And what makes you so sure?" Jane asked stubbornly.
"I know that you hate yourself for what you did to your family. You blame yourself and you're filled with self-loathing every second of every day. You want to be a good man and you want to be happy but you think that you don't deserve happiness or to be viewed as a good man after what you've done. You hate yourself. And I know one thing for sure. You've got to love yourself if you can ever love me. So no, you don't love me because you can't. So why, tell me why the hell you would kill Red John?" Lisbon said.
"Well you've answered it yourself, haven't you? I was looking for a happiness I didn't think I deserved. Such a contradiction in desires, wanting redemption as well as punishment, led me to the misguided belief that killing him would make it better." Jane said. He'd had a lot of time to think about it, she wasn't the only one who'd wanted answers. He wanted to know why he even thought killing Red John would fix anything in the first place.
"Did it? Was killing Red John worth it?" Lisbon asked.
"You were right." Jane said, unable to meet her eyes any longer. He settled on a leaking pipe in the corner of the room.
"About what?" Lisbon asked.
"I wasn't looking for revenge." Jane said simply. With that Lisbon left, having received was she came for. She turned and looked at him over her shoulder and what he saw in her gaze gave him hope. It gave him hope that someday he would find his redemption because what he saw was love.
So this was different then my usual stuff, but I thought it was good. I enjoyed writing it, which is really all that matters, but I'd love to hear your thoughts on it. For those of you who read Life or Death, this isn't the story I was talking about. So I still have that one in the works. Just something to look forward to I guess.