Watching her sleep
The auburn, yet somehow fiery red hair of Jean Grey seemed to shine, almost to glow in the silvery moonlight which fell on her through the windows of the room she shared with Scott Summers. Her pale skin, even her cheeks which were covered with a few freckles, was shimmering seductively in a light ivory tone. A film of sweat was glistening on the patches of her skin which rested uncovered by the light fabric of her nightgown or the blankets. Especially on her forehead the tiny beads of sweat were visibly making her skin shimmer, while her eyes were moving rapidly behind her closed eyelids, obviously chasing images of her dream which weren't too enjoyable. Her soft, gently curved lips were moving as if in silent prayer but without making any audible sound, and from time to time her whole muscular system was straining seemingly uncontrolled, nearly as if she was having cramps. Especially at her swanlike throat and at her almost endless legs showing out from under the blanket, muscles were becoming prominent when she was straining herself so much.
She was a truly enthralling sight, though the fact that she was obviously having a nightmare was easily able to tie up ones heart. It was clearly visible that her dream was everything but pleasant, because some of the things in the room were beginning to levitate or to tremble with telekinetic waves every time she arched her back until it had to be painful. It simply wasn't right that such a beautiful woman had to be plagued by apparently dreadful nightmares.
An absolutely excruciating sigh was escaping her lips, she arched her back, muscles were contracting visibly, and her fingers were clutching the blanket so hard, that her knuckles turned white while telekinesis was filling the room and shoving things roughly out of the shelves. "Scott…" she mumbled, or rather whined and rolled on the other, empty side of the bed in a desperate yet futile attempt to snuggle up to her fiancé.
Together with Ororo Scott had started some hours ago to carry out an order on behalf of the professor and hadn't returned yet. That was why Jean was now alone in her bed and tormented by her inner demons without Scott waking, rescuing her from her dreams, like he had done every time since Liberty Island when her more frequent becoming nightmares and their telekinetic manifestation startled him awake. During the very welcomed absence of Scott, Logan had used the whole evening to spend some time with her, the woman of his dreams which had held him captivated as if spellbound until their very first meeting – on which occasion he had almost choked her. Since this instant, when his hands had roughly encircled her throat, she was the centre of his attention 24/7, easily dominating his thoughts when he was awake and haunting his dreams when he was sleeping, though he knew very well that she was beyond his reach, at least at the moment. Though he didn't really like the Boy Scout, he had (for the moment) to accept that Jean was kind of his girl, and although, well because, he knew that it pissed Scott off immensely he couldn't stop to flirt with her on every possible occasion.
She obviously wasn't averse to his attempts, hell, he was sure she wouldn't mind if he did more than just flirt, but was still rejecting him definitively in a very distinct way, which couldn't be misjudged. He still wasn't discouraged in the slightest, because in his opinion Jean Grey and Cyclops simply didn't fit together very well. For that he was too square, and she too… well, Logan wasn't sure in this respect, but sometimes he thought to notice something in her that made her more… dangerous, almost feral and more fierce than her elegant façade made expect. This trait, which was hidden deep underneath her neat attire, her professionalism, drew him inevitably to her, like he was a moth drawn to the light, even if it was his doom.
Once more a telekinetic outburst shook the room, this time really reaching him, while she was giving another painful sound; she was almost crying in sleep now and cuddled up to her blanket. He felt the urge to go to her, to take her in his arms, to comfort her, to make her forget the nightmare, but she would have never allowed that. In fact he was sure she would have been extremely shocked had she known that he was standing here, in the open door of her room and watching her sleep. She would have been shocked that he had seen her in such a condition when she wasn't tough and intellectual, when she wasn't the second in command of the X-Men, when she wasn't intelligent Dr. J. E. Grey, M.D., Ph.D., one of the smartest people in the world (at least in his opinion). She seemed to be so vulnerable, so fragile, lying there in her nightgown, wrapped up tightly in the blankets, her eyes closed, moonlight illuminating her skin, her angelic face relaxed and yet somehow strained. He knew it was due to the fact, that even now, while she slept, she couldn't let the mental barriers down which shielded her from the psychic activities of others – and worked of course the other way round too.
Like Scott, who had to wear the glasses which controlled the power floating behind his eyes every second of his life, Jean was obliged to shield herself with psychic barriers to prevent that she herself or others were disturbed or hurt by her psionic abilities. She obviously didn't succeed every time though, what all the trembling objects which were shaken by an invisible force proved easily. Every mutation, and as such every ability which might be connected with it, had apparently, no matter how sensible she might be used, it's unpleasant downside. This downside produced sometimes for the mutant horrible strain and could develop into a true burden, though Logan was sure that Jean would've never agreed if he had confronted her with these thoughts, especially since she didn't made a very strained or exhausted impression on the first sight. After all she seemed to smile all the time, seemed to be content, cheerful, and optimistic even in the darkest moments; she was concealing most of her problems, not allowing anyone to share them with her, although she herself was eager to help, to listen, to comfort. At first he wasn't sure what to think when he realised, that it was almost all pretence, the way she moved, the way she flashed this irresistible 1000-watt-smile, the way she gave away her emotions so easily, how she enchanted her surroundings. No matter what she did he had seen that she still seemed somehow guarded at times, keeping a strange kind of distance, without telling anyone anything about herself, which was a bit bizarre, even unfair, considering the fact that nobody was able to lock himself up in the same way when she was concerned. Logan suspected that maybe the professor was one of the few persons she confided in, one of the few persons she told her fears, her thoughts.
"Logan, Logan… she's so near and yet so far away, unreachable in every respect, completely unattainable, am I right?" Speak of the devil… Logan hadn't realised the professor coming near, so far away he had been with his thoughts while he had pondered Jean. He whirled around and looked down to the bald man, who had this soft, understanding smile, sitting in his wheelchair and the professor met his glance, unwavering and calm.. "Watching but never reaching, never touching. A lifelong torture." The professor finally went on, while his eyes were fixed on Jeans sleeping form, which suddenly seemed to be quite relaxed, and a content, very tender expression crossed his features, before he turned his attention back to Logan, his eyes never leaving Jean.
"Sound's almost as if ya would love her too, old man." He had, of course, heard the hidden rebuke in the words of the professor, just as well as the warning lying in them and the indefinite sorrow he couldn't quite understand and discern.
The professor was chuckling to himself, still almost staring at Jean, which was as Logan suspected due to the fact, that he was making sure she would be sleeping a sound and deep, dreamless sleep. "I'm falling in love every day again, Logan, every single day again…" suddenly the smile vanished, just to be replaced by a slightly concerned and worried expression, as the professor looked first to Logan and then back to his first pupil, who was now nestling down herself against Scotts pillow, making a very content sound which almost sounded like purr. "She is slipping away from us, she is changing, developing and…" he hesitated, his focus again on Logan before he got ready for turning to leave. "…I do not expect that she would allow us to help." The professor shook his head, marks of sadness and worry showing on his face.
Logan didn't know how to respond, let alone how to understand the more or less cryptic words and just gave a sigh, before he turned again his attention to the now soundly sleeping woman.
Again the professor spoke, but this time didn't bother to look up to him. "Logan… I do not intend to tell you what you or Jean have to do or what you two shouldn't, since neither you nor Jean are inexperienced teens or children who do not know better, but sometimes things are more complicated than one might think. There are a lot of things going on you simply can't understand, but I'd very much appreciate it if you would act reasonably."
Logan interrupted him harshly. "He's just restrainin' her, dammit! Can't ya see how…"
Though there was an amused tone in the voice of the professor when he answered, his face still showed exceptional concern. "Logan, Logan… I see, of course I do see. How could I not? But the question of interest is: Would it be wise, Logan? And the answer is simple: No, it wouldn't be wise."
"How can ya say this? How can ya say she's better of with 'im? He's holdin' her back, makin' her live trapped in a goddamn gilded cage!"
"Yes Logan, maybe Scott is holding her back, but do not ignore the fact that she is letting him. Do you really think that anyone, let it be me or Scott or you, would be able to hold her if she didn't want it? Jean feels probably attracted to you the same way you feel attracted to her, and I'll never dare judging if what you feel is love or just primal lust, Logan, but there is one thing you need to understand. Jean might be very interested in you, you might be everything she ever wanted, but she knows very well that what she wants is not what she needs, Logan. She is craving for love, for being loved, like a young dog might crave for attention, she did it all her life."
"Why's that?"
Obviously the professor wasn't going to answer Logans question, because he simply went on, ignoring the interruption. "They need each other, Scott needs her and she needs him, she needs him to be a secure haven for her, to be strong, to be restraining, she needs him to hold her back, she needs him to love her." Logan stared transfixed at the back of the professor's bald head, unable to reply and a bit unsure why the professor was telling him those quite intimate things, but he was sure, that the telepath had his reasons. "Since Jean had been a little girl she had problems controlling her powers and now… it seems as if they are still growing and they grow rapidly, extending beyond everything I ever expected, beyond everything that would be normal; if I didn't know better I would say her powers are consuming her. You know which nightmare was torturing her? You want to know what nightmare wakes me up at night? What nightmare always returns to torture her sleeping? You are going to laugh Logan, but Jean and I, we are both having almost identical nightmares. In those nightmares she is just herself, but unleashed, completely cut loose and tomorrow is dieing. Nobody might expect it, but Jean is highly dangerous, or at least, she could be highly dangerous. I just want you to think about this, if you think you might be able to secure her in the same way Scott does. Because you wouldn't be the first getting seriously burned while playing with fire and being unable to restrain it"
Silence became prominent before the professor wheeled silently away, while Logan concentrated again on the sight of the sleeping woman. He wasn't entirely sure what he felt for her, if it was love, if it was just desire or pure lust, but he knew for sure that he had never before felt anything comparable to the intense feelings she stirred awake in him.
The professor's sudden voice in his head startled him a bit, almost making him jump. "One thing I forgot, Logan, please mark my words: you can watch her, you can desire her, but I'd advise you never to try to reach and touch her. The consequences would be dreadful for everybody, and especially for Jean."
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A/N: So, that was that… I corrected this text over and over… checked spelling, grammar, use of language, even let people read over it, before I was finished, what I usually don't do (thanks to missie-my-dear and Caro) and I'm still not sure if I found all things which sound strange. The problem with this story is that my original conception of the story was in German and I translated it… and the thing is it turned out to be somehow harder and much more difficult translating my own story than it would have been to write it completely in English in the first place… that's strange.
But I hope it was nonetheless enjoyable.
This story would fit quite well somewhere in the timeline between the movies (though this isn't possible…), with some allusions to Jeans development into Phoenix as well.