I do not own Glee.
"Well, Columbus, we have an announcement for you. In honor of the Supreme Court striking down DOMA two months ago, we're getting divorced."
It started as a joke, really.
LAPH was meant as just fun between friends. The band's name was composed of their four last names: Lopez, Anderson, Pierce, and Hummel. They played together in college and manage to make some money off a few gigs.
Then one of their gigs was seen by a producer, they signed a record deal, and got famous. It made their personal lives much more interesting.
They'd been each other's covers since halfway through high school, when Santana realized she was in love with Brittany Pierce and it wasn't really plausible for them to publicly be together. She'd been suspicious about her cheerleading co-captain, Kurt Hummel, and his relationship with the student body president, Blaine Anderson, so she confronted them and they mutually confessed to their homosexuality.
It was then that Brittany of all people came up with their brilliant plan.
She'd already dated Kurt for three days the year before while trying to keep up her record of kissing every boy in school, but she hadn't dated Blaine. Kurt and Santana were best friends as well as being co-captains. Kurt and Santana could date while she and Blaine dated, and if they happened to double-date often, well, everyone knew that they were best friends.
Their fake relationships continued through college, through being discovered, and into their professional lives. Kurt was the one to suggest going further.
"Look, we're not going to stay young forever, but we also can't come out without ruining our careers. But, we already all live in the same house. Let's get a bigger one. Let's get married. Let's have kids."
Santana raised an eyebrow at him.
"And how do you suggest these kids show up? Last time I checked, you and Mr. Dapper were still so gay that you flinch when you have to touch boob."
"Well, I was hoping you and Britt would be willing to be pregnant and have children, and as for the…uh, planting, well, there's devices that can do that without Blaine and I having to be involved for more than the donation."
"And you want us to raise all of these kids together?" Blaine asked.
Kurt shrugged.
"Why not? They say it takes a village to raise a child. Why can't our kids have Mom, Mama, Dad, and Papa? Just because they know who their on-paper parents are doesn't mean we can't all parent them. We could even give them Laph as their last name, just so they know they belong to all of us," he said.
"I like Kurtie's plan," Brittany announced. "I want to have babies to play with."
Blaine hesitated, then said, "I'm down."
They all looked at Santana.
She sighed. "Britt wants babies, Britt gets babies. But I want to be able to look at Britt when I'm saying my wedding vows, even if no one but us knows I'm saying them to her."
"I'll figure something out," Kurt promised.
In the end, they made sure to have a double wedding in a room with large mirrors on both walls. That way, both couples could stare over their spouse's shoulder and look at their lovers in the mirror as they said the wedding vows. They moved into a large house with two master bedrooms that were attached by a secret door hidden behind a large mirror. Within the year, both Brittany and Santana were pregnant.
When Gabrielle Chanel was born, Blaine and Brittany were named the godparents. All four parents mutually decided to give her the last name 'Laph', the same last name they would give to all of their children, and the same last name they all would go by. Gabby was born shortly after midnight. While holding her new goddaughter, Brittany went into labor five weeks early.
Marc Finnegan Laph was born sixteen hours after Gabby. They were nicknamed 'the twins' before even leaving the hospital.
Philip Stefan, Rosaria Alma, Elizabeth Rachel, Katheryn Alecia, and Alexander Yves followed over the next ten years. Only the last two were born to the parents on their birth certificates.
As far as LAPH was concerned, Kurt and Blaine were a couple and Brittany and Santana were a couple, and as long as someone donated sperm and someone got pregnant, it didn't matter much who donated to whom. (Except after Rose was born. She was a bit too dark-skinned to pass as Kurt's child. Blaine's half-Filipino ancestry somehow showed up more in her than it did in either Marc or Katie. It was then decided that Blaine and Santana should not produce children again after that.) Phil and Liz were technically Kurt's, even though they had Blaine's name on their birth certificate.
Santana gave birth to three kids. Brittany gave birth to four.
Blaine fathered three kids. Kurt fathered four.
It was a good thing they had given each other co-parenting rights on day one. Kurt was Papa. Santana was Mama. Blaine was Dad. Brittany was Mom. Somehow, all of their kids grew up without being traumatized too badly. They grew up as siblings, without knowing how true that statement actually was for some of them. Marc and Gabby sniped at each other, but were mostly inseparable. Marc played football while Gabby was head cheerleader. Phil was an artist, hoping to major in fashion design one day. Rose was some kind of angelic demon, capable of charming adults and terrorizing everyone else in a single breath. Liz somehow became a child star at the age of two, and dragged Alex in a few years later. Katie was a little princess who just wanted to be part of the band like her parents.
When DOMA was overturned, it only took thirty seconds in the group chat to decide what they wanted to do. It took twelve more minutes to decide when, where, and how they were telling the kids.
In the end, they simply sat the kids down for a family meeting one morning.
"So, what's up?" Gabby asked, not-so-subtly checking her text messages under the table.
"We're getting divorced," Santana said bluntly.
"And married," Brittany chimed in unhelpfully.
All the kids stared, mouths dropped open. Katie and Alex didn't seem to get it.
"But you're already married, Mommy," Katie said in confusion.
Kurt and Blaine exchanged exasperated looks before taking over the conversation.
"Let's back up a bit," Kurt said with a sigh. "First, I'd like to say that I speak for all of us when I say that we love all of you very much. You will always be our first priority. We love all of you equally, no matter who carries whose genes or who's name is on whose birth certificate. We're not a conventional family. You're all our kids. You grew up with four parents. But times are changing. Things that didn't used to be acceptable are acceptable now. So, we decided it was time to tell the truth, starting with you all, before we went public with this."
"We're gay," Blaine said bluntly, reaching over to take Kurt's hand.
"All of us," Santana added, lifting up hers and Brittany's hands from where they'd been linking pinkies under the table.
"Okay, while I have no idea anything about the history, I think I'm understanding current events," Phil said slowly. "Dad is divorcing Mom and Papa is divorcing Mama so that Dad can marry Papa and Mom can marry Mama?"
"Yes," Brittany said.
The room was silent for a long minute as the children absorbed that.
"What does that mean for us?" Liz asked in a small voice.
"Nothing's really going to change for you," Kurt said, reaching out and grasping her hand. "You're all still our kids. We're still going to live together. There's probably going to be a bit more media scrutiny for a bit, especially if we go with the coming out method we're considering. The only thing that's going to change is us officially moving rooms instead of pretending to share a room with the person we're married to. Oh, and probably some PDA, since we're not hiding our actual relationships now."
Gabby snorted.
"You weren't that good at it. I walked in on you and Dad when I was ten, and Marc caught Mom and Mama last year. We just didn't know that you all knew about each other's relationships."
Blaine chuckled.
"Don't worry about us. Even our pre-nups say that our marriages are open and can be terminated at any time. We're not normal divorcing couples. There isn't going to be any arguing about who gets the kids, because we all claim all of you."
"While we're admitting things," Santana drawled, "we should probably add that the names on your birth certificates are not necessarily your biological parents."
"What?" Philip questioned in shock.
"You and Liz are Kurt's," she said bluntly. "Rose is Blaine's. We love you all just the same."
That probably took the most processing. It took the middle three children a while to accept that they had a different biological father than they thought. In the end, though, they decided it didn't matter, since Kurt was still Papa and Blaine was still Dad, and they'd both been their fathers all along.
They filed for divorce the day after the told the kids. They didn't tell the press.
They did tell their other family members…some of them.
Kurt's dad had been in on the whole scheme since the beginning. As he put it, he and Kurt's mother had known he was gay since he was three. He had made sure his second wife was okay with Kurt's sexuality before he married her. Kurt's dad was a US Congressman, and was one of the major campaigners for LGBTQ rights. Kurt's stepbrother was a soldier, but his wife's brother had been with his partner for decades, and they had a fifteen-year-old daughter that Rachel had been the surrogate for.
Brittany's parents were somewhat confused by the whole arrangement, but eventually decided that they were happy so long as their daughter was happy (and that they got to continue seeing their grandchildren).
Santana's parents were accepting of her sexuality, but she spent half an hour in a screaming match with her abuela, who was completely unwilling to hear that her granddaughter was a lesbian. They didn't finish the argument, but the workers at the nursing home forced Santana to leave before the argument could cause health problems.
Blaine didn't bother talking to his parents. Except for a few terse phone calls every Christmas and birthday, they hadn't spoken civilly to him since they'd walked in on him kissing Kurt when they were fifteen. He did contact his brother and warned him about the media storm they were planning to cause. Cooper had laughed and said he was looking forward to it.
They received the news that their divorces had gone through without a hitch two days before their Columbus concert on their reunion tour. It was summertime, and they'd brought all their children with them. They convinced all their accepting family members and close friends to come to the Columbus show and planted them in the front row.
For this concert, both Kurt and Blaine made sure to wear white suit jackets while Santana and Brittany both wore white dresses. They weren't obviously wedding outfits. Both dresses were knee-length and tightly fitted, and Santana's was intercut with a brilliant scarlet while Brittany's had gold accents.
Just before what would be their final song without encores (and there were always at least two), Santana stepped up to the mike.
"Well, Columbus, we have an announcement for you. In honor of the Supreme Court striking down DOMA two months ago, we're getting divorced," Santana announced.
The crowd fell silent. They noticed more than one jaw drop.
Blaine began the story.
"As most of you know, we were all in high school together. That's where our story starts. McKinley High School in Lima, Ohio. I met the love of my life, my soulmate, and we promised each other forever. There was just one problem," Blaine said, his mouth curling up in a bitter smile. "He was a man. And of all the things in the world I could have had, a man was not on the list of acceptable items."
Jaws were dropping all over the concert hall.
"I also me the love of my life," Santana said. "She was my best friend. We were cheerleaders together. We dated every guy in school and compared information on their dicks and sex ability. But she was more than that to me. I was desperately, hopelessly in love with her. And then, during one of our study sessions, she leaned over and kissed me."
"Blaine and I were already an item at that point," Kurt said, taking the story again. "I was the cheer captain over Santana and Brittany. I caught them making out a few times. So Blaine and I approached them, and we all agreed on our cover story. I had dated Brittany for about three days the previous year. Blaine had kissed Santana in order to determine whether he was bi."
"I'm not, if you're wondering," Blaine said into his mike. "100% gay here."
"So, we decided that I would date Santana and Blaine would date Brittany," Kurt continued. He let out a rueful shrug. "Santana and I could keep up with each other verbally, and Blaine and Brittany are the nice ones. They even us out. But they can't even out the wrong person. If we'd reversed the dating scheme, Santana and I would have murdered each other within the week."
"But you got married?!" a voice called out from the audience.
Kurt chuckled. "We did. I would have killed Santana for walking all over Blaine, and Santana would have done the same to me for Brittany. We dated for a while, and then we decided that we wanted a family. We didn't want to give each other up, so we built a big house, and then started having children. If you want more details than that, you're not getting them. Let's just say that Blaine and I are 100% gay and our only involvement in the conception was providing the seeds."
"But why come out now?"
Another fan called.
All four smiled.
"Because we can get married now!" Brittany exclaimed.
"Speaking of," Kurt said, "I'd like to invite to the stage a major campaigner for gay rights, a US Congressman, and my father, Congressman Burt Hummel."
There was rapid applause as the congressman mounted the stage and took a mike.
"Now," he said, "I don't think they mentioned that they're not just getting a divorce, but they got the divorce finalized a few days ago. They're all single now, boys and girls!"
That caused nearly everyone to cheer, even though everyone still seemed slightly shocked.
Kurt moved to a box hidden on the stage, opened it, and pulled out two tiaras with attached white veils and two red rose boutonnieres. He passed the former to Santana and Brittany, who carefully placed them on the other's head, while he and Blaine pinned boutonnieres to each other's lapels before joining hands.
Burt Hummel cleared his throat, pulled his notecards out from his pocket, and began to read.
"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today for the LAPH concert, but surprise! You get a wedding too. Santana Diabla Lopez Laph, do you take this woman, Brittany Susan Pierce Laph, to be your lawfully wedded wife, to love and to cherish for as long as you both shall live?"
"I do," Santana said, grasping Brittany's hands with a loving smile on her face.
"Blaine Devon Anderson Laph, do you take this man, Kurt Elizabeth Hummel Laph, to be your lawfully wedded husband, to love and to cherish for as long as you both shall live?"
"I do," Blaine said, running his thumb across Kurt's fingers.
"And do you, Brittany Susan Pierce Laph, take this woman, Santana Diabla Lopez Laph, to be your lawfully wedded wife, to love and to cherish for as long as you both shall live?"
"I do," Brittany said, openly beaming.
"Do you, Kurt Elizabeth Hummel Laph, take this man, Blaine Devon Anderson Laph, to be your lawfully wedded husband, to love and to cherish for as long as you both shall live?" Burt asked, his voice cracking slightly on his son's name.
Kurt beamed at him. "I do."
"Then by the power vested in me by the state of Ohio, I pronounce you man and man and wife and wife. You may now – oh, never mind."
Both couple had immediately begun kissing upon being declared married, much to the appreciative claps and whistles of the crowd.
Burt quickly left the stage as the kissing continued.
When they finally broke apart, Blaine grinned at the crowd and announced, "And now, we have another treat for you: our new song, "Finally.""
The slow ballad began to play, and the four newlyweds began to sing in perfect four-part harmony.
Ever since I was a little kid I had a dream
Cinderella theme
Crazy as it seems
Always knew that deep inside that there would come that day
But I would have to wait
Make so many mistakes
I couldn't comprehend
As I watched it unfold
This classic story told
I left it in the cold
Walking through one open door that led me back to you
Each one unlocking more of the truth
I finally stopped tripping on my youth
I finally got lost inside of you
I finally know I needed to grow
And finally my mate has met my soul
Finally
Now my destiny can begin
Though we will have our differences
Something strange and new is happening
Finally
Now my life doesn't seem so bad
It's the best that I've ever had
Give my love to him finally
I remember the beginning you already knew
I acted like a fool
Just trying to be cool
Fronting like it didn't matter I just ran away
Put on another face
Was lost in my own space
Found what it's like to hurt selfishly
Scared to give him me
Afraid to just believe
I was in a jealous, insecure, pathetic place
Stumbled through the mess that I had made
I finally got out of my own way
I've finally started living for today
I finally know I needed to grow
And finally my mate has met my soul
Finally
Now my destiny can begin
Though we will have our differences
Something strange and new is happening
Finally
Now my life doesn't seem so bad
It's the best that I've ever had
Give my love to him finally
Finally, finally
Finally
Now my destiny can begin
Though we will have our differences
Something beautiful is happening, happening
Finally
Now my life doesn't seem so bad
It's the best that I've ever had
Give my love to him finally
Finally, finally, finally
There was an encore afterwards, and then another, and all in all, the band ended up playing for a whole hour longer than planned, even discounting their surprise wedding ceremony.
They were right about receiving a lot of fire in the press afterwards. They were criticized for their hiding their sexuality, criticized for coming out about their sexualities, criticized for having children, criticized for their joint-parenting. In the end, it was five-year-old Alex who shut them up.
"Daddy and Papa love Mama and Mommy, just like Mama and Mommy love Daddy and Papa, but it's not the same love. Daddy loves Papa and Mama loves Mommy in a happy-ever-after way, like the princes and princesses in my storybooks. They love each other like I love Gabby and Marc and Phil and Rose and Liz and Katie. It doesn't matter that Mama gave birth to me. Mommy's still my mother. I'm not related to Marc and Katie, but they're still my big brother and sister. They're happy, and we're happy, and it doesn't matter what you say about them because we're family and that's the most important thing in the whole wide world!"
Gabby had grabbed Alex then and taken him back inside, but the entire speech had been recorded. It was posted on every major site in the world within the hour, and already had ten million views by the end of the day.
Things quieted down after that.
Oh, people still came up to question whether it was appropriate for seven children to be raised by two gay couples who were unfaithful in their marriages the entire time that they had marriages, but the kids and the parents quickly grew used to dealing with it.
When asked later what kept their family together through all this time, all these lies and all the drama, every member of the Laph family had just one word to say: "Love."
AN: The song is "Finally" by Fergie, with slightly modified lyrics.