You Could Be Happy.
Disclaimer: I own nothing, Stephenie Meyer does. I'm just borrowing Edward for a while.
Spoilers: Mentions a few key elements from New Moon.
Author Notes: While listening to You could be happy by Snowpatrol (a song which I would advise you to try listening to while reading this fic) last night, I got to thinking about what Edward was thinking while he was preparing to leave Bella in New Moon. And along came this little oneshot. This is the first time I've tried writing in Edward's p.o.v so I hope I did him justice. Reviews are always welcome :)
You could be happy, I hope you are Somehow everything I own smells of you
You made me happier than I'd been by far
And for the tiniest moment it's all not true – You Could Be Happy – Snowpatrol.
This isn't going to work Edward!
Alice screamed at me in her head, her thoughts edging towards hysterical. I sighed but otherwise remained silent, nothing I could say would change her mind. And nothing she could say would change mine. While I would normally trust my favorite sisters judgement in most situations, this time she was wrong. She had to be wrong. Bella would be safe, she would be happy. She would have a much better chance of being both of those things without my presence in her life. Everyday my mere existence put her life in more danger. How could I let that continue and still claim to love her as I do? I was not unaware that my leaving would cause her pain – as Alice had needlessly pointed out to me – but that pain would only be temporary, she was human after all; humans forget easily. I would not forget. The very thought of causing her pain twisted my brittle, dead heart until it snapped in two. I didn't have the strength to control the play of emotion on my stone face. Silently, I thanked whatever lucky stars I still had left that Jasper wasn't at Alice's side as he usually was. His own guilt and self doubt would be enough for him to deal with right now, my empathic brother did not need to drown in the unyielding river of grief that I was slowly being submerged in.
Alice was still perched at the top of the stairs, watching my face carefully. Her thoughts flickered quickly to Jasper, she too was glad that her husband was not here to suffer this with me.
Are you sure Edward?
Alice asked me, her mental voice softer now, more resigned. She understood my reasons and my decision – though she didn't agree with either – and she would respect them.
I nodded once. "It's the only way to keep her safe, Alice." My voice sounded oddly faint, distant, even to my keen senses; a broken whisper.
I'm sorry.
Alice turned away, sighing sadly, her thoughts on Jasper again. She didn't want to be away from him for too long when he needed her. She was trying very hard to hide her sadness from him. It didn't surprise me that my sister felt almost as heartsick as I did, she loved Bella too.
I ghosted silently out of the house and down the front porch steps, no faster than a human would. I could have taken my car, or even run to my destination in half the time it would take me to walk like this. But I was in no hurry to end this particular journey, knowing that when I did so, I may as well be ending my own life in the process. A thousand suicides would be preferable to the pain I would feel before this night was over. I had no idea how I was going to do this, what I was going to say to her. How to let go of the single reason for my entire existence? Perhaps I should have asked Alice exactly what she had seen, I could have watched the vision along with her, in her mind. I could always turn back, ask her to look again...
No. If I let myself turn back now I knew I would never be strong enough to do what I must do. Bella must be kept safe, no matter the cost to myself. I forced my feet to keep moving, carrying me towards the house where my love lived and laughed and dreamed. Fighting my own selfish need to turn back with every step, I drifted towards my only sanctuary in this world; a sanctuary I would soon never be able to return to.
My mind was working far quicker than my feet, defining my plan. It would not be easy to convince her that I didn't love her – just thinking those words made me wish that I could cease to exist at this very moment. Would she see through my lies? She was sure to. My Bella was far from stupid – reckless, maybe but never stupid. I was certain her knowledge of my utterly undying love for her would make it all the more difficult for me to convince her. Could I stand there and blatantly lie to her for hours if I had to? I could, and I would if I must. No matter that every word would darken another star in my sky. Bella would believe that I no longer loved her. It would be better for her, in the end, if she believed me; easier to move on. A clean break. I would have to talk to the others about that later, or maybe Alice already had. I would not be the only one who would have to leave my love's life – and the town of Forks – tonight. I knew that would be hard on Alice and Esme especially. How I hated to be causing them pain, but they would understand. Bella must be safe. They loved her too, they would understand.
I was almost to her house now. Though I knew she wasn't here, I could already smell her sweet scent in the air. I breathed in deeply, letting it fill ever part of my mind. I welcomed the burning pain of thirst that scorched my throat. I was a despicable monster after all, I deserved this pain. My ochre eyes swept over the house as I stopped in the shadows of the forest. I neither saw nor smelled any humans close by, but I let my mind range outwards anyway, searching the thoughts of Bella's neighbours. Their minds were all focused on normal, everyday human concerns. Before any of their hearts would have had a chance to miss a beat, I had crossed the small lawn in front of the Swan house and scaled the wall up to my love's window. Bella never locked her window – for my benefit, I assumed. She was so trusting, so fragile. I pushed the window open and slipped silently into her room. Standing there, looking around that simple, plain room that I knew so well, shattered my heart in ways I would not have believed possible. I caught my own scent lingering in the air, almost as strong as Bella's. I'd never noticed it before, but our scents complimented each other perfectly, almost as through they were created to be two halves of one whole; neither was complete without the other. I sighed as that realization cut through me like a dagger, the first of many that were sure to pierce me tonight.
I crossed the room silently, to sit in the rocking chair in the corner. Though I had not met Renee, Bella's mother in person I had seen enough pictures of her, and memories of her in Charlie's thoughts to be able to imagine her sitting here with Bella in her arms as a baby. At least, after tonight my Bella would have the chance to rock her own children to sleep like that. That knowledge did not bring me the peace that it should. How many nights had I sat in this rocking chair before Bella and I had declared our hearts to each other, trying – and failing – to decipher the riddle of her silent thoughts. I'd been sitting here when I'd heard the most beautiful sound I would ever hear; my love, deeply asleep and dreaming precious dreams, had whispered my name. The memory of my own name falling from her lips brought another dagger with it, tearing a ragged hole through my heart. How many nights had I laid on her bed, my love cradled in my stone arms, her head on my chest as she slept. I could have spent eternity in that state, memorizing the sound of her heartbeat, only moving to kiss her hair or touch her perfect porcelain doll face.
I would never spend another night watching my Bella sleep.
I was suddenly overcome with such a feeling of desolation that I wanted to scream, to cry out, but the pain was so great that I unable to form a coherent thought. I breathed in my love's scent, the only thing that had a hope of calming me. It took me longer than I would have imagined, but eventually my thoughts began to make sense again. With a sigh I stood, I had not forgotten my reason for coming here. I still had a job to do. I wasn't worried about being discovered here. I knew Charlie's mind well enough by now that his thoughts would alert me if he was on his way home, giving me time enough to make my exit. And I would hear Bella's ancient truck miles away. I found that I was actually going to miss that sound too. I had already taken care of the first part of my job earlier, removing the pictures of my family and myself from the envelope Bella had addressed to her mother, before mailing it for her. Now to the second part of my heartbreaking task. I picked up the photograph album from the floor by the bed. Flipping it open I sighed, pulling the first picture out carefully. It was the picture of myself Bella had taken in the kitchen of this very house. I marvelled at the hope I saw in my own eyes, knowing that they no longer reflected that. Bella was sure to have noticed that by now, though I was certain she had no idea of the reason behind the change. I carried on removing every trace of myself or my family, first from the photograph album, and then from the rest of her room. I would leave her no reminders to cause her further pain or darken her life. My Bella would be able to walk in sunshine, just as all angels should. She would be happy.
I turned for the window, about to leave my sanctuary for the last time when another thought occurred to me. While I could not leave me love with any visible reminders of me, anything that would make it harder for her to move on, I also could not even think of walking away from here without leaving something behind. I turned to the foot of her bed and knelt down, setting the pile of pictures and other tokens of my love on the floor beside me. My strong, nimble fingers made quick work of prying one of the floor boards loose. I gathered up the little pile of memories and placed them gently inside their hiding place, replacing the floor board. She would not know they were there, but I would.
With my task near completion, I almost let myself surrender to the pain. A tearless, broken sob slipped through my cold lips before I could stop it. The never ending agony threatened to wash over me. I fought it back. Later, when it was done, when my task was over I would let the pain have me. But not yet.
I could hear the faint rumbling of Bella's truck, she would be home in minutes. Reluctantly, I rose to my feet and walked to the window.
"I hope you'll understand one day, my Bella. My one and only love. The pieces of my shattered heart will forever belong to you. Be happy, my love." I whispered the words that I would not be able to say to her face and turned away from my sanctuary, leaving my heart behind me.