Written in The Stars
Leonard McCoy stood on his front porch, gazing up at the stars and smiling wistfully. The slight breeze ruffled his grey hair, carrying with it the smell of rain; the summer had been a long one and the Georgian heat had been stifling in its intensity. The rain had brought welcome relief to everyone caught in the muggy spell. Georgia had been their home for the past 35 years after he and Jim had decided to retire and return to Earth. They had raised their kids there and Leo wouldn't change a single thing.
After the missions they had faced on the Enterprise over the years and the constant danger that Leo had been convinced would take Jim from him, he hadn't dared hope they would make it to retirement age and there were certainly times they almost hadn't, especially Jim. Even after over three decades dirt-side, Leo still had the odd nightmare about losing Jim to the void of space, Leo didn't think they'd stop until death eventually took him. As difficult as the years aboard the Enterprise had been, the good times were in equal measure - he had proposed to Jim aboard the ship, they had renewed their vows, decided they wanted a family of their own, developed friendships into strong familial bonds.
They had been together for over 60 years and most of that time they had been happy, they'd had rough patches just like all couples but they had worked through those problems together and come out stronger because of it. So many memories, Leo thought fondly. Jim had lasted a whole year before he decided to take Starfleet up on their offer of holding a few of seminars a year at the Academy, Leo had set up a small practice in Georgia, just to keep himself sharp. Then their first son had been born and he had handed the reigns over to his practice partner until the kids were older and spent most of his time being a stay at home Dad who fixed skinned knees instead of fighting with death. George had been a happy, healthy baby who grew into a happy, healthy man who had recently become a proud father himself. Jim had been reluctant to name their son after his own father but over the years the bitter resentment he had felt towards George Kirk had faded and been replaced with admiration and respect; it was hard to stay mad at someone who died to save his crew after doing the same thing yourself, Jim had said. Joanna had been next, 3 years after her brother; she had been spoilt rotten and was the apple of Jim's eye – Leo had often found himself lost while listening to their conversations about warp technology and such things. Connor came along 2 years after that and he had definitely been the rebellious one of the three; Leo had tried to be firm with him every time he came home in trouble but he reminded Leo too much of Jim to be really angry.
They had decided to stop at three children because their home had felt complete, years later and their grandkids were the ones causing a ruckus and getting into trouble. He and Jim had spent many an evening sat on the porch watching the kids run around and play at being brave Starfleet Captains and exasperated CMOs. Life had been good. Perfect even. So much so that they didn't really notice the years creeping in until Jim collapsed while making dinner.
It had just been the two of them in the house that night, a rare occurrence. Leo had been peeling potatoes while Jim took care of the carrots and had watched in shocked horror as the carrot had dropped from Jim's hand and had hit the floor a split second before Jim. Instinct had taken over and Leo had rushed to check him over and call for help but the fear he hadn't truly felt in years had taken hold of him and wouldn't let go. The doctors had run tests and more tests and had looked at Leo with pity in their eyes and he knew in that moment that things would never be the same. Jim had stubbornly wanted to leave and return home, a decision that the Doctor in Leo revolted against but the husband in him had just nodded and made arrangements for transport. They went home. The kids and grandkids all but moved back in they were there that often, Jim wasn't alone for a moment.
"It's nice, you know?" Jim had said quietly one night. He turned his head on the pillow and looked at Leo with a small smile. "I always thought it would happen out there in the black, but this is better."
Leo had taken a deep breath and squeezed Jim's hand. "Jim-"
Jim interrupted him quickly, "It's okay, Bones. We did everything we wanted to, no regrets."
"Maybe the doctors-" Leo had tried again. The argument had been going since they had returned from the hospital.
Jim shook his head, "You're a miracle worker, Bones. But even you can't cure old age." Jim smiled ruefully. "I guess it happens to all of us, right?"
Leo had just looked at his face and tried to commit every single bit of it to memory. It didn't matter that he'd spent the last 60 years with Jim, those years were coming to an end and he felt hopeless. The doctors had given Jim anywhere between a few weeks to six months and Jim being Jim had already beat those odds by still breathing a whole year on. But they both knew it was coming, fast. It was like staring down the barrel of one of those pistols from the Western films that Jim loved so much. One thing Leo was absolutely sure of? When it did happen, when Jim left him…Leo wouldn't be far behind.
Jim Kirk had lived a long life.
Something he certainly hadn't expected or counted on. In fact, he'd assumed he'd go out in a similar way as his father; defending his crew and saving lives. He hadn't counted on having a crew quite as loyal as the one he came to know; each and every one of them would do anything and everything to protect the ship, their crew mates, their Captain – they had proven that to be true many times over the years. It had been an honour serving with them and had been a wrench to leave them behind, but Jim didn't regret his choice for a single second. He and Bones had had a fantastic life – exploring space, finding new worlds and races, being able to say they had the closest crew in the fleet. The best part, however, had been their relationship - friends, confidants, lovers, husbands, parents and grandparents. It had been the ultimate adventure.
Jim Kirk's only regret was he didn't have longer to enjoy it. He could see how it was tearing Bones apart to see him wasting away and not being able to do anything to help, he was a healer through and through and not being able to heal Jim was bringing back memories of his father's death. Jim knew he'd had a good run, much better than some unfortunate souls and much better than he secretly felt he deserved.
Their close friends had visited over the past couple of weeks – Spock and Nyota had been the first to arrive and had spent many hours recounting their favourite tales from aboard the Enterprise and the years after, Sulu and Chekov were the next to arrive and their visit went much the same; only happy memories allowed, Bones didn't want Jim to 'focus on any negative memories at a time like this, goddammit'. Scotty had brought a few bottles of the finest bourbon around, Bones merely lifted a curious eyebrow at him before walking off in search of tumblers.
But now, George, Joanna, and Connor were all downstairs with their owns kids and with Bones laying beside him…Jim felt his eyelids grow heavy. The laughter of the grandkids floated up the stairs, along with the exasperated tones of George and his wife; clearly he got that tone from his father. Jim's lips tugged into a small grin at the thought. His hand rested above his husbands heart and Bones' breath ruffled his hair lightly, he was as comfortable in this position as he was 60 years ago – Bones tightened his arm around Jim's shoulders and Jim sighed softly.
"Jim?" Bones whispered. "Darlin'?"
Jim tried to open his eyes and reassure Bones that he was fine, just tired, but his eyes didn't seem to want to respond; he was so warm and comfortable. He felt Bones trace light, feather soft touches over his face and then take a deep breath.
"Stay with me, don't fall asleep too soon,
the angels can wait for a moment."
Music had played such a huge part of their relationship from the very first day they had met, Jim wasn't surprised when Bones started humming a tune he didn't recognise, his breath hitched every so often but Jim didn't pay it any mind, Bones had an amazing voice and he loved hearing it as often as possible. Jim smiled and drifted deeper into the blissful warmth surrounding him.
"Come real close, forget the world outside,
tonight we're alone, it's finally you and I.
It wasn't meant to feel like this, not without you."
Jim wasn't sure why but he thought he felt wetness in his hair. It couldn't be anything bad because Bones was with him and he had always been safe with Bones, just as Bones had always been safe with him. They were a team. Perhaps the wetness was his imagination playing a trick on him - it wouldn't be the first time. Instead of focusing on it, Jim tuned his hearing back into his husband's voice but it seemed quieter somehow…more distant.
"Cause when I look at my life,
how the pieces fall into place,
it just wouldn't rhyme without you.
...the place where we are
was written in the stars."
Jim smiled as he pictured the look on Bones' faces as they set out on their first mission after Nero's defeat – he knew his best friend had still been terrified of space but Bones had stayed by his side. Jim had known from that moment on, although he wouldn't fully realise it until years later, what true loyalty was. Hearing Bones speak of space now was comforting and still gave Jim that same rush of excitement at the infinite possibilities. Mostly though, it reminded Jim of how grateful he was to have been the recipient of such devotion from such a remarkable man as Leonard H. McCoy.
"Don't be afraid,
I'll be right by your side
through the laughter and pain
together we're bound to fly."
Jim longed to say "We did, Bones! Together…always together." But he was so tired and his tongue felt heavy. Besides, Bones knew – he knew how much Jim loved him, Jim had spent a lifetime showing him.
"We made a few mistakes,
like sometimes we do.
Been through a lot of heartaches
but I made it back to you."
They had overcome so many obstacles, fought through so much iheartache and trauma, but they had succeeded and won against all odds. Bones would argue that most of it was because of Jim's utter refusal to believe in no win scenarios but Jim knew it was really due to the sheer stubbornness of a certain Southern Doctor. His friend. His confidant. His husband. His Bones.
"Cause when I look at my life,
how the pieces fall into place,
it just wouldn't rhyme without you.
When I see how my path,
seems to end up before your face,
The state of my heart, the place
where we are was written in the stars.
The state of my heart, the place
where we are was written in the stars."
As the song drew to a close, Leo dropped his head to rest his cheek against his husband's hair, he ignored the wetness from his tears and instead closed his eyes and savoured the feeling of holding Jim in his arms. He didn't need his medical training to tell him that Jim was gone – part of himself had died at the same moment Jim had taken his final breath.
"You know, the worst part isn't even that he's gone." Leo intoned, monotonously. "I mean I can almost convince myself he's just away at the academy giving his latest seminar, it's harder in the evenings because there's no vid-call but it's manageable – I just tell myself he's busy."
Spock stands beside him on the porch, his hands held behind his back, and his face as impassive as ever. Although, after all the years of knowing him Leo could see the pain and loss lurking in his dark eyes. They stand in companionable silence for a time before Leo sighs and drops his gaze to the white paint beneath his hands.
"The worst part," His voice cracks a little and he clears his throat before trying again. Spock steps closer, their shoulders not quite touching, silently lending his strength. "The worst part is not knowing who I am anymore."
"How so?" Spock replies, quietly.
Leo turns his head to the side and meets the Vulcan's eyes steadily, Spock takes in the sheen of tears in his friends eyes and tramps down the urge shove away his own emotions. Nyota and Jim had both worked so hard to show him that his human half and the subsequent emotions were not a weakness and that there was strength in conveying them at certain times.
"I've been Bones for so long, Spock. Who am I, if I'm not his Bones? I don't know how to be anything else anymore. I don't want to be anyone else." A single tear escapes and carves a mark down Leo's face, he wipes it away quickly.
"Leonard," Spock starts, meeting his friends gaze again. "Admittedly, I am not an expert on the subject of human emotion but I have made the effort to understand it as much as possible." He instinctively pauses to await Leonard's usual snort at the topic of emotion but it doesn't come. Spock is keenly aware of Jim's loss in that moment and realises just how broken the man in front of him is. "Leonard, am I correct in assuming that you still feel the same way about Jim as you have these past years?"
"'Course, Spock." Leo replies, sounding confused.
Spock inclines his head, "Then it stands to reason that you are still, as you say, 'his Bones'. Jim would say the same, were he here."
Leo blinks once and then slowly a small smile tugs at his mouth, "Thank you, Spock."
Nodding once, Spock turns his gaze on the sky, giving Leo a chance to compose himself. Taking a deep breath, Leo tilts his head up and watches the light clouds drift lazily across the night sky, occasionally blocking out the stars.
Jim was gone, a vital part of himself had gone too, but still Leo knew he had people around him to support him and help him through anything. He was lucky - he'd had decades with the greatest man he'd ever known, he had their kids and their grandkids, he had their family. He may never again hear the old nickname cross his lovers lips, but he'd always be his Bones.
Leo stood watching the stars long after Spock had retired for the night. It might not be the most logical thing to believe in but Leo was sure that Jim was up there somewhere. Death wouldn't separate Jim and his beloved space any more than it would separate the two of them.
"Wait for me, Darlin'." Leo murmurs. "I'll be there soon."
The breeze ruffles his grey hair again and for the briefest moment, Leo swears he can hear Jim's laughter in the air. He smiles and closes his eyes – theirs was a story that was truly written in the stars.
-END-