Letter to Roxas

by Noctomata

Axel has a lot of things unsaid between him and Roxas, but now it might be his last chance to set the record right. Two chances already lost keep hunting his dreams; will he summon the courage that he needs to say what he needs? After all the third time's the charm, isn't it?

"Everything I ever wanted, was that no one would forget me. But fate rarely is willing to make a wish like that come true. Fate is rarely so generous.

No; I wasn't forgotten by someone who crashed with me just a couple of times. I wasn't forgotten by someone frugal, in who, my memory would be only a blurred flash. A quick sparkle in a dark night.

No.

I was forgotten by the only person I ever, truly, loved."

I saw them in a summer day. Maybe I could have ignored them again, as I did the first thousand times that we bumped into each other (concentrating in my tormenting concepts of life, in the tangled ideas that buzzed through my mind and in the simple details that looked so blinding, getting always mixed in between reality and déjà vu.) if I didn't stumble with those eyes.

Those blue eyes that were warm and kind, patient and playful. His eyes that even if they seemed to be the softer version of Roxas, I couldn't meet in any way.

While everyone knew the ice in the gaze that belonged to the youngest of the Organization, I always remembered the calmed lake behind the barrier; Passing tons of hours alone with him, being capable of piercing through his tougher shields and most terrible fears to finally see his true self.

For an instant I thought I could greet them with a wave of my hand and keep walking as nothing happen. I didn't want to interrupt them, after all.

Sora walked by the beach, hand in hand with Riku, who always made me debate between our friendship and an extravagant sensation of jealousy.

The brunet laughed about whatever easy-going thing that the taller directed to him, always with a patient and kind expression; a world of difference with the eternal frown and the snooty eyes that he uses to give to every other mortal on his way.

But I couldn't. His eyes whispered from far away for another name, and when I realized, I was already walking toward them.

His laugh faded little by little, abandoning his vibrant humor until leaving only a shadow of his usual smile, that even when I tried to take as a friendly one, I couldn't do more than confront it as a visible sign of his caution towards me. He reclined into his partner in an instinctive act, squeezing his hand and pressing his face against his side. A quick bouncy glance directed to his face.

Riku, whom since they finally got reunited hardly ever leaved his side for more than a minute, smiled to me in a level that was much closer to a welcome; and maybe even with a tone of apology in it. But even with that, I could see in his movements the shadow of a dangerous warning.

- What's up Sora? – It was probably my own nervousness, but I didn't know if my façade of being constantly ok was working, so my voice came out more like a shaky whisper, contrasting horribly with my usual racket.

Sora turned again to me, with his eyes with the color of the sapphires. Every movement that he made stabbed me through the center of my body like broken glass, making me curse not losing my memories the moment I came back.

- Hello Lea. – He murmured softly, smiling a little more. - Did something happen? –

His gaze went to my hands and then I noticed, I had them curled in fists. So, I immediately relaxed them, passing them through my red hair to ease that tickling sensation.

- Is nothing! I… I just…- I wanted to chicken out and maybe thinking back I could. Maybe in that decisive moment I could have stopped dead in my tracks and act as if I only wanted to say hello.

But the memories ran so fast through my mind that I couldn't think clearly. Or maybe it was just that I was tired of having them like that, being the last thing, I said to him a half truth that kept playing like a broken record on my mind. Having been such a coward that I couldn't even say it complete.

There were two chances lost already, and like everyone says…the third one's the charm, I guess.

I couldn't leave it like that again this time. – I want to talk with you Sora. – He raised his eyebrows gently, a gesture with which he asked me to continue. - …alone. –

The fear bit me a little then. He turned enough to see Riku in the eyes and the one with the silver hair looked straight back at me. Five seconds that I felt like an eternity, I squirmed below the pressure of such a silent threat; and a shiver ran through my back when I noticed the drastic change when he considered Sora's. Finally, he nodded sweetly and encouraged him. A quiet exchange of words that probably could be resumed into a: "Everything will be fine, love."

- I know I wasn't precisely trustworthy before, but I don't think I did it that bad! - I muttered to myself, accidentally making Sora laugh. He allowed his boyfriend to move away what he considered a proper distance and getting more comfortable, he faced me with a slight glimpse of curiosity.

- What do you want to tell me, Lea? –

My name, that so many years I heard constantly, sounded disgustingly bitter coming from those lips.

- Sora… this is going to be weird and maybe uncomfortable, but please, listen to me. – He opened his eyes a little more and nodded resolved, uncapable of understanding of what was all about. – I want to offer you an apology. I want…. I want to tell you, that maybe even if you don't understand, even if you don't remember, I do. I remember perfectly. I remember everything, and it still hunts me whenever I close my eyes, Sora… No … - I interrupted myself to say his name. - Roxas. –

I could see the shame in the cerulean blue that looked me like I was insane. I could feel his pity, I could taste the distance that raised between him and me.

- I am not Roxas, Lea. You know that. – His voice charged with the tiredness of being uncapable of explaining any further.

- I do know that. But I also know he's inside you. I don't know if he can listen to me, but frankly Sora, I'm desperate and I want to think he can. – He crossed his arms and I waited for him to cut the talk. He didn't so I proceeded trying not to fall and not to cry.

- I know that you love Riku; I can see it when you two are together. When you hug him, when someone says his name, when you take his hand. I can see it even in the rare occasions that you are separated, because its something that even if you both tried to pass as a secret it would scream from the bottom of your hearts.

The thing is, that I've learned that loving someone can never stay a secret to the others, even if sometimes is a secret to ourselves. – He relaxed his arms and stayed at the reach of my hand. Horribly close. – I'm… I'm happy that you two can love each other. I'm truly are. I am happy that he makes you smile the way he does, and I honestly hope that he takes your hand and insist in never letting go. That he gives you flowers even if deep inside him he feels stupid and ridiculous, that he gives you all the time he has and even the one he doesn't. I hope that he dances with you when he thinks you two are finally alone without any other reason than loving you. – He smiled to me with that way in which the people that is in love has. His cheeks tinted with the pink that colors everything adorable. – Because you have no idea, of how much I regret not doing it when I had the chance. – His expression changed into one full of embarrassed curiosity and I waited again that he allowed me to explain myself. – You don't have to listen to me and probably it is too late to say sorry, but I… I can't keep acting like I don't remember; so please Sora, please take this as a letter… to the person I hope still lives deep inside your heart. – He nodded letting me hold his hand, looking fugaciously over his shoulder, where I perfectly knew, my life was being valued by the Keyblade Master.

- Roxas I… - I hated myself for doubting again, my slim eyebrows getting together in the frustrated frown caused by not being able to say it directly to his face. – I remember every moment we spent together… - I took some air and started reciting what chased me day by day with pictures as clear as yesterday. – I have the count on every ice cream that we ate over the clock tower in that forgotten town, I still know to which side your hair turns when you wake up and can't tame it just yet, what color are your eyes against the light of the twilight and I know everyone avoids saying your name, although they don't know that I suffer with just the name of the one that took your place.

I regret all those times when I made you upset, and I regret not laughing enough, making everything oh so gloomy, so existential. Do you remember Roxas? Always asking me if I could feel. Always asking you if you could. –The tears ran up to my eyes without my permission and a knot on my throat that I thought it lived there since I came back, became more than present, crushing my voice. – I remember that time that you said that nobody would miss you and… and I know that you didn't listen to me when I said I would. That I do… That I miss you, Roxas. I miss you so much that sometimes I forget why I came or why I am back here. I miss you so much that not even being in the way of becoming a Keyblade Master, finally teaming with the good guys seem enough…

Everything has become a simple excuse, so I won't go back to think how much it hurts that you are not here. –

I said everything uncapable of facing the brunet, terrified that the words would fly away from my grasp, but there, collapsing into my knees under the own weight of my sadness I looked him in the face. – I called for you so many times, Roxas… so many. Since you went away and betrayed us until you came back to Sora. Do you know how many times I repeated your name? I did it until it lost its meaning, until it didn't make more sense, until it became more like an open wound than a word, until it vanished between our promises.

But you weren't there anymore, you were long time lost in the frozen eyes of Riku. – A stupid and nervous laugh escaped my mouth, my instinct reminding me that probably, he could listen to me as well. – So cold with me like a crude winter. The reality hit me so hard the first time I realized that there wasn't any way to bring you back, that I wouldn't be able to hold your hand ever again. – I squeezed softly Sora's hand, scared of hurting him or creeping him out. – It was so painful that I thought I couldn't stand up again and…as you can see, frankly I can't. – I offered him a smile as an ashamed apology and he gave me back one completely moved, yet, foreign. – Roxas…- His name came out from me as a prayer that scratched my insides, painful and nostalgic. The addictive tragedy of something that you already know it won't come back to you, but you still cling into it, uncapable of quitting.

- Roxas, can you hear me?... –

It was all I could say. The tears washed me like a tsunami, there was no way I could control them. There, on the floor, I cried unconsolably, infinitely broken, pathetic and incomplete; in a world where everyone had something to cling to… except me. Because the only thing I ever wished for, was not to be forgotten.

- I am really sorry, Lea… - I heard after a silent while. His broken voice peaked my attention and in the middle of my inner storm I confronted Sora's eyes. – But I don't remember any of that. –

In that instant, when the words left his lips, Sora felt as if a piece of ice pierced him from side to side, injecting frozen toxin through his veins. A scream pushing his way to the outside, kicking every segment of solitude that isolated him from the world.

- I DO! I DO REMEMBER! – A voice that he vaguely has heard before some time ago, screamed with the desperation of a thousand lives. The tears found a new home on Sora's cheeks, who looked Lea disconcerted and full of an unknown sadness.

- Are you ok Sora? Why are you crying? – I whispered, concerned for depositing my sorrow in someone so noble and that I was sure about had more than enough with his own conflicts. –

The brunet touched his own face, confused and in an intern dialogue that kept him away from the conversation with the tallest.

- LET ME OUT! LET ME OUT, SORA! AXEL! I DO REMEMBER YOU TOO! AXEEEEEEEL! –

"You make a good other." The memory crammed with his soul and allowed him to open himself to that voice that clang to the pieces of his heart.

- Roxas… - The blond one, on the floor of the darkness contemplated him with tearful eyes, as lost as the redhead outside him. –

- Sora… - His eyes met, and he felt the same sharp pain his friend was feeling. What would be of him if he wasn't able to reach Riku again and anymore? – Let me go, Sora. Let me at least say goodbye. –

The brunet nodded, his heart resonating in the same agonic symphony that his Nobody. And in someway that he didn't understand, he let him go.

I kept staring and in some moment of that, the shadow of Roxas came over him, and looking me though the tears, through those eyes in which he seemed trapped he started talking to me.

- Axel… - He murmured across the weeping, with the voice that day and night I dreamed of. – Axel! – He kneeled to hug me and for a millimetric second, I watched as Riku flinched in the distance and instantly started walking over, but it was too late to pull back. – I don't know how much time I have… - He continued, the words running over each other, my face in his hands, even if they really belonged to Sora I couldn't stop feeling them as the ones of my partner. - I haven't forget, I could never forget you. –

- You have. – I muttered in a sad laugh, clinging to what was left of him. –

- It doesn't matter! I could never now! I remember you, Axel! I know that you have been alone, and I am so sorry… I regret I never told you what I felt, I am sorry that I wasn't there for you, I am sorry for not being able to stay… I just wanted to tell you…-

- I do love you, Roxas. – I said, suddenly. I smiled, finally free from what I regretted most for the moment he disappeared. He looked at me through Sora, surprised. And the color not only lighted his cheeks for a second but conquered his whole face. In that moment I thought, that if Riku murdered me for being like that with the love of his life it would be worth it. After a few moments he started laughing, still crying.

- I love you too, Axel. – I felt like everything went back to their place. That everything, even if it was unreachable, had its own meaning. I nodded slowly, understanding that time run fast, and I finally fixed as far as I could the mistake of not appreciating him when I had him by my side. – Wait for me. – He said tenderly, almost like a whisper. Surely feeling the same way. – Someday in another life, in another place… I'll came back to you. I will always love you, Axel. Even with a name as ridiculous as Lea. – I sat on the floor and shrugged with the joke. That was my Roxas, for sure. –

- It was a promise, wasn't it? I guess that in the end, I had another life too… - I smiled, deflecting the direct stare at the last second. Reciting old moments made me feel at home again, but at the same time, everything was starting to get cold a lot faster than I thought it would.

- Goodbye Axel. – He hugged me, and I felt him like before, vanishing and leaving me alone, with someone else's love.

- Goodbye… Roxas. – He was gone and at the same time, Riku cleared his throat, stabbing me with his murdering stare, while Sora tried to calm down. I gave them space and he rubbed his face, apologizing.

- It's nothing Riku. – He, without getting convinced, hugged the smaller one to clean his tears with an infinite love, with unbelievable gentleness.

- I am sorry, Riku. It won't happen again. – And I was sure that it won't. At least, as I saw them leave, I was sure I wouldn't be forgotten by Him.

Alternative Ending:

Lea arrived at the tower, warned about this new individual who just got back his heart, who was refuged in Sora. He passed through the fairies, trying to give that new person a warm welcome now that everyone else was busy.

He thought in a million witty comments and got distracted even more thinking in who that might be.

What was his surprise when he found a pair of blue eyes that repeated along his childhood and later in his life manifesting themselves as his only love.

- Hi Lea. – The guy murmured in a tranquil tone. He was blond, with a childish smile and the look of a troublemaker that's up to mischief the second you look away. – What do you think of this life? You can be Axel or Lea. And for you, in secret, I can be Roxas, even if my name is Ventus. –

His eyes were filled with tears once again and shaking he approached, mumbling until he took his face and cupped it in both hands. He was real.

- Got it memorized? – The blond one said cheerfully imitating his signature gesture, getting more than comfortable in his hold. Long dark eyelashes fluttered, framing his eyes that shined like jewels.

- Roxas… - When he leaned in, a popsicle stick pop out of his clothes, attached to a single black string, that he wore as a necklace. An only word in it "WINNER" with a little crown on top.

- That was for you to use! You are still such an idiot! – He said after looking at it. He hugged him by the neck, attracting him to his chest. – The third one's the charm. Isn't it… Axel? –

And a kiss that waited for years, finally appeared.